Ok, hang on… MisRed has to STRETCH her OC…. like vocal warm-ups…. give me a minute:
David. David? David!!
Who? You!! Who? You!!
Are you an O’Toole?
Heather is the puppet and everyone else is the Master…
There. I think I’m good. Let’s hope MisRed doesn’t pull something.
Welcome. Welcome my little trashies! Welcome back to RHOC Season 736. Welcome to the season of Fat Shannon!
Here lies Shannon Beador… killed by stress from Vicki
Let me start by saying something about “Fat Shannon.”
- A) MisRed should be so fat
- B) MisRed thinks that making someone’s weight is the lowest common denominator, and I’m not going to take part.
- C) MisRed thinks Shannon looks great. To me she’s someone who needs a little meat on her bones otherwise they look skeleton-esque.
Exhibit A. Or B as the case may be.
So that’s my rant on Shannon. And let’s face it, what would the OC be without Shannon and her big old sack of neurosis. Shannon Beador is a gift. A bat-shit-neurotic-passive-aggressive-lunatic GIFT.
What do we have here? Tamara is front and center holding that orange.
What happened to Queen Vicki and this being “Her Show?” Either Miss Andy is trying to knock her down a peg- likely. Or Tamra really does something amazeballs this year. Or maybe Vicki has had so much plastic surgery, her equilibrium is off and she has fallen from atop her pedestal of obnoxiousness.
The show opens at Tammy Sue’s house. Her granddaughter is trying to ditch her in play tunnel and it looks like the kids says, “oh shit”
Kelly visits Vicki at her office and there is a woman there with long purple nails and Kelly asks the woman how she wipes her butt. Well we see Kelly went to charm school over the break. After Kelly asks this, Vicki makes the “sign of the cross.” Actually, she makes HALF of the sign of the cross.
Vicki half-assing the sign of the cross
Ugh I get the feeling this season is going to be very “Jesus-y.” God help us, no pun intended.
Then we check in with Shannon who would appear to have a new dog. Who promptly runs away.
Fetch my negative thoughts
He comes back, probably because he knows Shannon has food. Shannon makes the family a healthy dinner- Quinoa Bowls. Oh wait; I retract what I said about the dog coming back for the food.
Shannon is so upset that she has gained weight. Aww. MisRed would feel bad if she could feel things.
She says this is stress induced, and she is embarrassed of her body. David, David David comes in. Shannon gets all pissed when David doesn’t pop a rod over Shannon’s Quinoa Bowl dinner.
Shannon interviews that Davis has been distant since the allegations of abuse that Vicki was spreading. Rut-Roh, it’s that VOW RENEWAL!!!! Or as Kelly would call it “Vowel Renewal.” More on this later… like every episode, I’m sure.
The phone is ringing off the hook at Coto insurance. Vicki’s office is moving. Maybe she can move to another planet. That’s where I’d like to see Vicki- in a galaxy far, far away. But her company is growing- she wants to leave a legacy for her kids. Oh, she has, believe me. Just read Radar Online, kids.
- Helping Brooks Fake Cancer
- Kill All Cancer or KAC
- Sex with Multiple Partners
- Cheating on her husband
- Spreading Rumors
- Peeing on Tamra’s Bed
… to name a few.
Vicki immediately asks Kelly if she’s seen Tamra. Vicki goes straight in and says that Tamra is right across the street, at Cunt fitness and Kelly can go see her- because the parking lot is always empty. They recall Tamra’s fitness competition calling it “a race amongst pigs.” This is the woman who was just making the sign of the cross. Nice to see these two hags haven’t changed. Vicki says, “Who cares” and then throws out her standard “go to work.” Interesting she never tells Kelly to go to work. They say that all those girls want to do is “argue.” Hello Pot, meet Kettle, you are both black.
The face of popularity
Vicki says “they are not the popular girls… we are the popular girls. They want to be like us.” Delusion runs deep in Vicki’s world.
At Tamra’s House, we this this:
What the actual f*ck?!?!?!
Tamra says everything she has gone through with Vicki has forced her to grow closer to Jesus and her closer to her faith. She is on her way to a Bible Study at Lydia’s house. Yes, THAT Lydia.
Bible Study Tamra
At Lydia’s Tamra meets all of the Jesus Barbies.
Wanna Taco ’bout Jesus? Lettuce Pray
Lydia asks about all the other housewives. Tamra says she hasn’t talked to Vicki in 8 months. We flash back to Lydia Tamra and Vicki dancing at the bar at Andales in Mexico. Tamra tries to explain that she always has fun with Vicki but that Vicki has been spreading rumors that Eddie is gay. Tamra clarifies it’s not true and it’s very hurtful. “Why spread that rumor around?” Tamra then mentions Kelly and calls her a hot mess and that she prays for Kelly.
Lydia suggest that Tamra, Vicki and Kelly go out to lunch. They should make it somewhere where a bodily is easily hidden.
We check in with Meghan and Jim (who is actually here) and their baby. The only thing MisRed likes less than religious crutches are babies.
So much has changed in Meghan’s life. She got a puppy AND she had a baby. The puppy is named Girlie Girl (original) and had a baby named Baby Girl. Meghan went to Carol Radziwill School of name conjuring.
Actually the baby is named Aspen. Ass for short. They plan to go visit the petri-dish baby maker of the OC, Dr. Potter. Then we relive Meghan’s IVF journey, her losing an embryo, yada, yada, yada. Not to diminish people going through IVF- I know it’s stressful, intense and a struggle. She says that Jimmy is great with the baby. We see him dressing the baby and then fat shames the baby because her outfit it too tight. They note the baby is hot and sweaty and the promptly put a sweater on it.
Oh good, we are back at Bible study… they pray.
Look! It’s the one where Kimmy sends Jacqueline to Bible Study
They go over John 11 where Lazarus dies and then Jesus raises him from the dead. The question is- has there ever been a time where you thought God had abandoned you? Tamra immediately ugly cries about her daughter and the fact that they are estranged. Sad. Tamra believes that God has a plan for her and Sidney, but they haven’t seen each other in 3-1/2 years, but they have had some texting communication. It’s probably Tamra’s ex- messing with her. Lydia suggests they pray for Tamra and her daughter. They all put their hands on Tamra and pray. Creepy
This is going to be a LONG season for MisRed.
We check in with Vicki and her new boyfriend, Steve- he brings her flowers. I’m sure Vicki instructed him to do so.
Vicki says she has bad luck with men. Yes, Vicki it’s bad LUCK, not bad CHOICES.
Vicki Victim #1 (Oh, and Vicki’s original face)
She married her first husband because he had a nice ass and a nice car.
Vicki Victim #2. Cause of death: Vow Renewal
She was really “all in” with Donn, well until she was all out after their vow renewal.
Vicki Victim #3.
Then we had the poster child advocating abortion- Brooks, Mr. Cancer Faker himself, and now she’s moved onto Steve, the retired homicide detective.
Vicki Victim #4. Steve. He looks excited for their date.
Only a man that has combed through vicious, violent, horrific crime scenes could have sex with Vicki.
Vicki says she misses Brooks, they had a great relationship. SMH. What is wrong with this person?
Vicki fixes her roses and says, “These remind me of the roses you got me when we were at Ireland.” And Steve just says “MmmHmm.”
- Vicki really needs to take an English Language course.
- The MmmHmm confirmed for me that Vicki sent those flowers to herself.
Then Vicki spills cocktail sauce on Steve. They share a lovely salad of boiled shrimp over lettuce.
Mmmm Save MisRed a bite
Vicki says they are both broken people… speak for yourself, hag. Vicki says she will never forgive Steve if he hurts her.
Lopsided Bag of Hair as alert as ever
Checking in with Kelly. She is BELLOWING for her mother, Bobbi. (aka the lopsided bag of hair). Kelly says that she was getting Botox and her doctor has suggested she needs vaginal rejuvenation. She offers it to the Lopsided Bag of Hair, who declines. I think Kelly needs personality rejuvenation.
Kelly thinks her mom needs a companion. Sweet Jesus, leave the hair bag alone! Bobbi is like- I don’t need a companion- it’s too much trouble. Kelly suggests she become a lesbian. Then we get her first bad joke of the season “what do you call two lesbians in a closet? A liquor cabinet.” Ugh.
“Hey everybody! We’re going STREAKING!!!”
We are at Briana’s house- Vicki brings Briana’s kids home. It looks like Briana’s house is done. Ryan is still in Oklahoma awaiting his medical retirement paperwork. I wonder what is medically wrong with him? Briana says that her kids beat the crap out of each other every day. It’s called being siblings. Briana says it’s hard to have toddlers without her husband. Vicki says she is Briana’s husband in the OC. Ew. Vicki says that she is so helpful to Briana. I love when Vicki pats herself on the back for doing normal things like watching her grandkids. Owen farted. Maybe he’s been hanging with Tammy Sue.
Let’s check in at Cunt Fitness, Tamra is working out in a “I’m a Blessed Hot Mess” Tank Top.
Well. The “mess” part is true enough.
Eddie has totally taken over Cunt Fitness but Tamra wants to paint and put up mirrors. Why? There is nobody there.
Their membership numbers are setting records.
Eddie comes in and Tamra tells him that Lydia invited her to lunch with Vicki. Eddie says don’t go- she doesn’t need bad people in her life.
Lydia and her husband are going to teach their son, Maverick, how to ride a bike. Her kids Stirling, Maverick and the baby Roman who is 2 years old. Another one who needs a spelling lesson- Stirling. Jesus. UNLESS the kid is named after the Scottish Castle. (Hey! Meghan should have named her baby O’TOOLE!) Lydia and her husband moved- so her Pot-Head Mom isn’t across the street anymore.
They take their Cadillac golf card down the road. Oh, Lydia and her husband had a vow renewal recently…. Someone set the timer on this marriage please. Lydia says she has grown a lot in the past 3 years- which is a sure sign of no growth.
On the way home they don’t bother strapping the kids in. Let’s hope Jesus saves.
Shannon and her oldest daughter to a boutique for a dress for a formal.
Tamra and her niece Kasey meet them. This looks like the same store Vicki got her shoe caught in the floor and lost her nipple cover. I’m surprised the health department hasn’t shut this place down yet. Shannon says that she keeps buying clothes, not in her current size, but in her old size, which is really practical. Her rationale is that if she buys clothes in her actual size it’s saying she is ok with her current weight. Ok, I get it, but… you still have nothing to wear. And I mean, it’s so uncomfortable to be traipsing around in clothes that are too tight. MisRed should know.
…And then Vicki FORCED ME to eat a spare tire!
Shannon blames Vicki for her weight gain… indirectly. The weight gain is stress-induced from Vicki being horrible and spreading rumors. Please don’t give Vicki that much credit.
Tamra interviews that she doesn’t think all of Shannon’s weight gain is from stress over the Vicki sitch, she thinks that Shannon is still hurting over David’s affair. In MisRed’s professional opinion, both could be true…. But also has anyone considered the fact that food is delicious? Tamra doesn’t think Shannon is motivated in her weight loss.
Ummmm. Who thought this dress was a good idea?
They don’t seem to find a dress.
But we do get treated to Shannon circa 1981:
AND Tammy Sue, the night of the Prom, 1984 and 9 months later 1985.
Nothing warms MisRed’s heart like an unplanned, teen pregnancy
Lydia meets Vicki for lunch. OMG. Lydia is so thin compared to Vicki and not that Vicki is fat- Vicki is normal. Or “California Fat” as I like to call it.
With Vicki’s new eye job, she could be blindfolded with Lydia’s thin little body
Vicki says in her interview that Lydia is “in DisneyLand all day long.” But she would rather have that than someone who is mean and tries to kill your joy. Ok, Vicki… whatever, because you spreading the (not) rumor that Eddie was gay couldn’t be trying to steal someone’s joy.
Vicki says the last time she was at this restaurant was when Tamra was baptized, and Vicki compared herself to Jesus being nailed to the cross. Those were the good old days.
Vicki being nailed to the cross, circa 2015.
Lydia wants to help Vicki and Tamra to get back together. Lydia wants to catch up with Vicki and wants to find out if Vicki said that Eddie was gay. Vicki says that Tamra called her a “con artist” so Vicki felt justified in her fighting back with the rumors about Eddie. Vicki thinks that Tamra hates her and wishes that Tamra would leave her alone. Vicki is tired of them being bullies and trashing Vicki’s character. Vicki doesn’t need any help in this department, she does enough damage just being herself.
Next week Shannon’s Feng shui consultant says she has a toilet in her relationship corner. Whatever the f*ck that means.
Later this season on RHOC…
New Housewife. Who cares?
MisRed is going to need some context here
So… what did you guys think. As always, I love your comments. xoxo
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebookfor a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get find the occasional gif on Tumblr!