Howdy, Trashmii!! I hope you all enjoyed your week away from the City and the looniness of our beloved agents.
WELL, ONE OUT OF THREE AIN’T….NEVER MIND
This week, it looks like Ryan will have to humble himself at the Altar of Freddi. Can’t wait to see how that goes, so let’s get to it!
We begin with Fredrik. He is on his way to Bowery after having sold the other units on Mercer for a total commission of $369K. Fredrik has a listing appointment at 250 Bowery. He is meeting with Zach, the developer selling the “isn’t that in Chinatown” property on Park last season. The Bowery building has 24 units to sell.
The Bowery building is designed with an industrial feel. Fredrik explains that, while most developers are building larger, more exclusive apartments, Zach is putting smaller, more “affordable” (using that term loosely) units into this building, starting at two bedrooms, 800 square feet. He is also including four huge penthouses.
Apparently, there is something called an “Offering Plan,” a “promise” to the buyer that needs to be approved by the government. Being ever diligent for you, my Trashmii, I looked it up. Apparently, this Plan tells a buyer about the types of facades, amenities, materials, etc., that are being offered/used in the building. Prices will not be set and Fredrik cannot sell until the Plan is approved, so he tells Zach he will leak out preliminary estimates and on the day the Plan is approved, throw a big, non-Speakeasy themed party to introduce the building.
Zach tells Fredrik he has been speaking to other brokers, despite the sales Freddi has brought him in the past.
FREDDI SLAPS ZACH UPSIDE THE HEAD
Zach agrees to give Fredrik the listing, for a potential commission of over $1.3 million.
SAY IT WITH ME, FOLKS!
Luis, our hapless little Belizean, is once again
getting someone else to do his work for him collaborating with another broker in his firm, Antonia. He is pitching a property on Riverside Boulevard because Keller Williams has seen how bad Luis is making them look she has seen his temper tantrums passion and wants him to help her lose with the sale. The seller is an actress whose parents are fleeing to Florida.
We meet Jewel, whom I have never seen before. I guess she is an “actress” kind of like I am “Kate Middleton.” The apartment has amazing water views and some Oscar winners living there.
OOOO – LET’S HOPE IT’S DRUNKY McDRUNKERSON!!
Jiminy Christmas, y’all! Here’s some real estate porn for your enjoyment:
Jewel’s parents bought the apartment nine years ago. She wants to sell it for $10 – 10.5 million. Luis tells Jewel that price ain’t-a gonna happen. Jewel, opportunist little name dropper that she is, says A-Rod’s apartment isn’t nearly as well laid out as this one, so it should go for more than comp. Jewel calls Luis a pussy and tells him to sell the damn apartment. Luis suggests $7.2. Antonia suggests $9.25. Luis thinks Antonia is an idiot, but Jewel agrees to that price.
Fredrik is having broker consultations regarding the Bowery building. One broker introduces Fredrik to his client, Passion. Yeah. I shit you not. Bet she’s done pageants since she was in uteri.
Fredrik reminds them that there is no Offering Plan yet, so he can only give them estimates and bare bones information. Passion tells Fredrik that she is looking to buy one apartment to live in and one
to turn tricks in for investment. Fredrik is getting the brokers excited about the property so the buyers will be lining up when the Offering Plan comes through.
SMART AND BEAUTIFUL
Ryan is meeting with John, an investment buyer. John is seeking a one bedroom for about $750K. John mentions 250 Bowery. Fredrik’s buzz is working and everyone is asking Ryan about it. Ryan is guessing that Fredrik would not like to do business with him. Ryan tries to dissuade John to no avail.
TIME FOR SOME OF THIS. (Super Supreme With Nuts and Sprinkles Tiara if you get the reference!)
Ryan asks Olivia to
slit his wrists give him Fredrik’s number. Flashback to Ryan dissing Fredrik in the past – and present when he wonders aloud how many bathroom walls Fredrik’s number is written on. Ryan acts like a pussy steels himself and calls Fredrik. Ryan tells him he has a buyer that wants in on 250 Bowery. Fredrik strings him along for a while before asking for an email and time to think.
Ryan says that Fredrik is a DICK, that working with him will SUCK, and that he will have to SWALLOW his pride, but that will be the only thing he swallows.
DOESN’T LOOK THAT WAY TO ME