Hi gang: It’s Miss Kitty, recapping the latest Ladies of London. Or should it be “Irrational weeping crybabies of London”? Jesus. This week, Juliet crawls further up Caroline’s bum and stays there, Caprice and Caroline’s rift widens, Noelle, in between moving in with Scotttt is turning into a hooker-ish Switzerland, Marissa becomes a citizen AND starts a tear stained daisy chain, and Annabelle gets hurt. Okay. Why don’t you follow me? Psst. I hate the theme song. HATE.
It’s a beautiful sunny morning at the Inn where Caroline, Juliet, Marissa, and Noelle stayed while Caprice, Annabelle and Julie stayed at Mapperton, Julie’s future estate. This inn is GORG.
I want to stay here
The foursome gather at a hung over Noelle’s bedside
to have a little gossip session about how GASP::: Caprice didn’t come back to the hotel, and even stranger, went home early with Annabelle and Julie!
What What WHAAAAT?!??
Everyone is shocked that she isn’t traveling back with them. “It’s probably got something to do with me,” Caroline says. Yes, very astute of you. For once I think it IS about you. Juliet has a bout of complete denial/amnesia as she complains that since moving to London she’s never seen people who claim to be friends talk more crap about one another behind their back.
“I’ve never seen women talk more crap about each other! Except for in every female friend group ever formed!!”
Caroline says it’s “very British”. And Juliet seems to believe that you would never get away with doing that in America. Are these morons for real? My dears. EVERYONE talks crap behind each other’s backs. If you own a fanny (Caroline was on WWHL with Bobblehead Andy Cohen and stumped Heather Dubrow on the definition) or a willy and you like other willies, that is what you DO. No gathering of girlfriends or queens is immune! Noelle can’t quite believe it either, or else this is just her default facial expression:
Caroline seems to think that it’s putting Caprice’s nose out of joint that she is befriending the Americans and Juliet thinks that there is becoming a Brit vs American rivalry. Which is really stupid, because
a) Caroline IS British
b) Caprice is not
c) Caprice is also hanging around with Julie more, and she’s American
d) Annabelle seems to be in with Caprice and Julie and SHE’S British.
Other than that, it’s a perfectly sensible way to describe this budding feud. Marissa, in a fit of rationality, suggests that they should all keep in mind that Caprice is seven months’ pregnant, and is probably exhausted.
You are making sense. Go away. Reality TV is not for you. Oh. Wait. Never mind. You make up for it later.
She continues that Caprice is also hormonal, and Juliet interrupts her to bitchily say “She’s lovely, she’s wonderful and can do no wrong.” Which… WHAT? Marissa was only trying to be logical. But logic doesn’t go over well with miss drama. Marissa’s face mirrors mine at that.
Juliet meanwhile accuses Marissa of sugar coating the situation, all the while staring at Caroline like she’s a middle-aged Gretchen Wieners.
“Caroline (*NOT* Caprice) is SO fetch.”
Marissa understands then that Juliet is still pissed off at Caprice for taking Annabelle’s side during Knickergate. We flash back to the argument in the limo between Caprice and Juliet. Okay. Was it a little rude of Caprice to not alert her traveling posse that she would be going back early without them? Undoubtedly. Could she have reasons that are her own business? Yes.
Noelle reiterates Marissa’s point that Caprice has said her hormones are all whacked out (and apparently, her appetite; is that biyatch ever not hungry??), and Juliet brags that she was “the nicest person” when she was pregnant. “Oh really? I wish I had known you then.” Marissa passively-aggressively responds. OH please. That’s why I’ll never 100% like little miss perfect-pants. She’s a twat masquerading as a nicey-nice person.
Caroline looks momentarily uncomfortable at Marissa’s snippy remark and then suggests that they all convene at a pub to help get over their hangovers. Noelle mentions drinking “Rose in the sun” and everyone (including Miss Kitty, who got an immediate nauseating migraine at the thought of something so gross when already hung over) groans.
The fates are kind this week, because we get an Annabelle scene early. She’s on her way to the riding stable to put in time on one of the thoroughbreds she’ll be riding in the charity race.
I feel a sense of dread… Foreshadowing:: Foreshadowing
Annabelle’s trainer brings out the horse she’ll be riding today, Mr. Fickle. Annabelle jokes that “Mr. Fickle” is an apt horse for her to be riding; I assume it’s because Alexander McQueen was sometimes like that.
Hi Mr. Fickle! Um. You look a little spastic
Annabelle endears me further for life when she lays a big smack onto Mr. Fickle’s face. I kiss my Arabian constantly the same way, so I relate to this behavior.
Annabelle’s trainer wraps Mr. Fickle’s legs in purple, while Mr. Fickle paws at the ground impatiently. Okay, any of you not interested in horse-talk please skip this paragraph… I’ll wait… Okay, those of you left? High-strung Thoroughbreds who exhibit this kind of fidgety behavior scare the shit out of me. I spent 8 months with Ruby, my mare, doing JUST ground work with Natural Horsemanship Training to teach her respect and patience. With the two hot-blooded breeds (Arabians and Thoroughbreds) that are ready to lose their ever-loving minds in an instant and react, it’s really important to work on manners and communication on the GROUND before ever getting up in the saddle. As Ruby’s trainer told me when I first met Ruby: “You can saddle her up and get on her right now and ride. But she won’t care about you.” It REALLY struck home. My point is, seeing Mr. Fickle’s behavior in this scene, there is no way in hell I’d get up on him, much less turn him loose in a gallop. Annabelle finds out that even professional jockeys have a hard time sitting on the horse when it’s being led to the starting gate. Any of you who have ever watched a horse race can see this. The horses get really excited and agitated for various reasons: some are anticipating the run. Some are stressed, going to a confined space next to horses they don’t know. Some just don’t like the gate in general.
Annabelle gets a leg up and says she’s a bundle of nerves. She interviews that she isn’t someone who warms up to people right away, and we flash back to her rehashing of Knickergate with Juliet. After a brief trot warm up, she takes Mr. Fickle on a gallop.
Great form, Annabelle! Keep those heels down!
Ya’ll, it’s HARD as hell to keep your position while a horse gallops over bumpy terrain. One loss of position or bad shift, and you throw not only yourself, but oftentimes the horse off-balance, which can be disastrous. And Mr. Fickle is BOOKING.
Annabelle interviews that she finds children and animals more reliable than “human beings”. Hahaha I think she means “adult people” since children are presumably human beings, but okay. I agree with that sentiment—I’m not a big kid fan, but I do appreciate their honesty.
Meanwhile, at Acorn, a really lovely pub, the ladies (and Luke the honorary girlfriend) gather for a nice post-hangover brunch. Noelle pops open the “champs”—UGH. Heather Dubrowism that is so obnoxious—and Luke stirs the pot, as the obligatory gay BFF is contractually forced to do, by asking where Caprice is. When told she left early with Annabelle and Julie, he earns his Cedr-eck by enquiring, “Why?” Juliet jumps in and says that it’s because Caprice is tired and pregnant. Noelle awesomely calls her out “Juliet that is NOT what you said five minutes ago when we were all sitting in bed having a cuddle.”
Hahaha “Pay no attention to that bus, Juliet! Woops.”
Marissa stares at Juliet in outrage, because… Because… I have no fucking idea. Maybe she sees her as trying to steal her tepid, Pollyanna, un-thunder? Maybe she thinks she’s being insincere? It could be that Juliet maybe learned to be better behaved, based on your example, and doesn’t want to gossip about Caprice, aka, is trying to take the high road, you crazy bim.
“[HISS] Being nice is MY role, you fat bitch!”
Then, continuing the incoherent anger, Marissa refuses to toast Juliet.
“I can’t toast. I CAN’T!”
Marissa then starts to CRY, getting up and accidentally pushing over her chair. Luke is similarly subdued, and subtle, yelling “Oh my God!” hahahahaha.
“Has the apocalypse started?!!?”
Noelle gets up to chase after Marissa, while the rest of the table looks like something out of a Telenovela.
“AY DIOS MIO!”
Marissa is bawling and complains to Noelle that her curse is that she’s too empathetic (Hahahahaha) and that she’s so angry with Juliet. Noelle nods and just lets her rant, which is smart, because no one could make sense of this idiot right now. Noelle throws some shade at Juliet by saying that Juliet is incapable of understanding that someone can be nice and well-intentioned. Juliet meanwhile is whining to Caroline that she thinks that although it’s nice that Marissa always plays devil’s advocate, it’s not realistic. I know EXACTLY what has happened. Juliet was expecting Marissa to talk shit about Caprice on her behalf, and it didn’t happen. Women do this insane shit ALL THE TIME. You’re somehow disloyal if you don’t trash the friend your better friend is trashing. It’s hilarious. And we’ve all done it. YES. ALL OF US. Caroline goes out sighing, seeing if she can pull Noelle and Marissa back to the table. When Caroline comes out, Marissa starts sobbing anew, and Caroline is sincerely baffled, telling her “I don’t do cuddles.” Hahahahaha. Caroline in this whole scene is brilliant. Two seconds after seeing that Caroline isn’t going to enfold her into an argument-affirming hug, Marissa’s eyes miraculously dry and she pleads her case. As if Caroline gives a rat’s ass. Marissa deigns to come back to the table, and then explains to Juliet that she felt “personally attacked” (EYE::ROLL). Juliet starts trying to explain her side, and then SHE bursts into tears, and both women are then blubbering like a pair of mental cases.
Oh yes. This is a PERFECTLY normal conversation to be having about NOTHING, said no one ever
Caroline awesomely interviews that she has no earthly idea why two grown women have gone absolutely in hysterics. “… over breakfast. And champagne.” Hahahaha. HILAR!
Noelle confirms that Juliet now is vying for mayor of Attention Whore City, saying that the argument could have been over in two minutes. But Juliet can’t stand not being the center of the drama for a single second, so it makes sense that she ran into the bathroom, having a tantrum like the brat at the birthday party who didn’t win every game.
Juliet says in her talking head that she has to “speak her truth”, I guess not understanding that other people’s truth MAY not match hers one hundred percent of the time.
This episode has been blissfully Caprice-free except talking about her, and I’m almost happy until…