Previous on Big Brother, some asshole on all the quaaludes in 1950’s Los Angeles decided to build an army of douchebags, everyone was awful to Megan, who said “Fuck dis, I’m out,” Paul sucked enough BB cock to earn a three week pass from getting eliminated (thus spoiling Quaalude Cody’s plan to backdoor him), and Yom Kippur wound up on the block next to Canon Fodder Jillian.
Why are you even here????
So let’s start this week off with some white people throwing tantrums! Flag day is pissed because she got backdoored, and everyone knows you never backdoor a girl without talking about it first. Paul is mad because he would have gotten backdoored if he weren’t wearing his Big Brother prophylactic. Loud annoying girl that’s on the radio is mad because Cody went off script and didn’t tell anyone what was happening. Basically for what I hope will be the only time this summer, I am on the same page as the majority of the BB house. Let’s all hate the fuck out of Cody together.
I’m with you, Loud Girl
Meanwhile, despite also being mad at him, Cody’s penis cozy Jessica is trying to rally the house against National Poster Worker’s Day in order to protect him from her wrath. Blah blah, No one comes between me and mah maaan. Oh god, I almost miss Boofles these people are so unlikeable.
Trouble in future serial killer duo paradise
In an attempt to keep her spirits up, Halloween rides around on Chucklenuts like he was a rodeo bull instead of a rodeo clown. How this would possibly cheer anyone up is beyond me, unless it’s that cold shower theory of starting your day doing something awful so that everything else seems easier after. And of course Chucklenuts falls down and breaks her foot in the process (spoiler, it’s just some torn ligaments, but you’d never know by the Big Brother ADR effects of a thousand tree branches breaking at once). MLKJ Day is off to seek medical attention, but she’s not out of the game. She is on crutches now, which could even be a good thing since it makes her way less intimidating.
She could still kick all our asses tho
When your life so sad you tweet nice things to Big Brother just cuz
Meathead Mark feels bad about what happened to his Meathead Lady Soulmate, and they have a long talk with some Meathead tears and Meathead hugs. It’s a touching Gymbroment.
You mean more to me than protein powder
Let’s get to these evictions, shall we? Julie, fearing that our ridiculously named jacked as hell diva may be leaving soon, jumps on the opportunity to make a Christmas leaving early pun that doesn’t even make any sense.
You know what you did, Julie
Speech! New Year’s Eve tells everyone that Cessica sucks and they’re sneaky and awful and should be eliminated (hells yeah, fuck those assholes). Jillian… Is… There? She’s always just there. She’s the Anne of the Big Brother house
Did someone give all these HG’s stage direction to say Hi to Julie in the most obnoxious way possible? That’s already fucking old and we are one week in. Ugh. After many annoying greetings, and with Chucklenuts eliminating any cell of me that didn’t hate him by voting out Thanksgiving despite BREAKING HER FUCKING FOOT, we have a score of 8 to 4 and Queen of the Cannon Fodder Jillian is sent a packing. And she is legit fucking SHOCKED. Which is kinda hilarious. Especially because Cobot and his dick warmer are furious, and I take so much joy in the misery of those I despise.
Why would anyone vote out such an awesome houseplant? Oh, I mean House Guest. Sorry.
Jillian’s exit interview is dumb and boring because Jillian is dumb and boring. Who the fuck let her on TV? Whore-sicca decides to get all up in Easter’s face trying to start a fight, which is goddamn hilarious because even on crutches we all know who would wind up standing over a crumpled heap of ho-bag in a single punch there.
Dear God, I will be good for a whole day if you let me see these two fight
As much as I hate Paul and everything about his stupid banana bearded face, I’m on his side for as long as he’s making Quaalude-sicca’s life miserable.
So hey, everyone at home can vote for who gets the next temptation, which is called the Ring of Replacement. Can we replace everyone in the house with better people? Cause I’ll vote like hell for that shit.
Our producers can legit only think of one incidence of temptation in the entirety of human history
HoH time! It’s a Candy Crush tie in that involves tearing apart balls and trying to get different balls into holes. We only see the very start though, so you’ll have to wait til next week (or watch the live feeds) to find out who wins.
“I’ll candy crush your larynx while you sleep”