Last week on Biiiiiiig Broooooother: Megan self-evicted because she thought Jessica Grande called Alex a racial slur when it turns out Jessica was just being sort of racist (hey – she’s also calling Dominique “Da’Vonne”, so…), Cody tried to get Alex to come to the robo-side and nearly overheated when he had to instead nominate her for eviction, and Paul got the Den of Tempasssssssssion prize of 3 weeks of safety. Woo doggies, let’s go! Side note: I’m drinking orange creamsicle beer and I don’t recommend it. For real though, lets-a go.
We begin with Cody telling us more about his reasons for nominating Alex – mostly because she said she’d try to break up the couples first chance she got – and he’s barely able to get through it without crying.
“Her disdain for me is irresistible.”
Alex, on the other hand, has an interesting reason for telling Cody that she’ll blow the shomances to bits the first chance she gets.
Uh, have you seen this show?
Nothing gets by Jessica, so of course she noticed Cody’s “emotions” when he nominated Alex She climbs on his chest to get to the bottom of his Alex-feelings, succubus style.
I can smell that hat from here.
Cody lies about his feelings for Alex well enough to get Jessica off his back – er, chest – and then Paul arrives on the scene to make out with Cody as well. Metaphorically. The combo of relentless Paul bullshit and banana chunk in his beard turns Cody off, however.
A mini alliance starts brewing between Alex and Whistlenut, who both want to get out Cody and Jessica, stat.
I wish they all wore shirts with their names on them, to be honest.
Meanwhile: it seems like despite hooking up with Jessica, Cody only has eyes for Alex.
He begs her to come to the shomance side, but Alex – who’s my favorite female player, despite those cat ears she wears most of the time – is just not having it.
Uh oh, we made it almost 10 minutes without hearing the word “temptation”!
That’s right, it’s Den of Temptation time again! The houseguests have to find out who Paul cursed by picking a poison bottle after he accepted the temptation last week. It is super ultra mega random (maaaaybe unlike how Paul was voted to receive the immunity temptation, cough cough) because not only did Paul just pick a bottle with a number he couldn’t see, but each houseguest’s number is determined by the order they enter the Den of Temptassssssion. They have to reach their arm into a giant golden snake’s mouth, and if it “bites” them they’re cursed. So, which houseguest is cursed, you ask?
Well, I’ll tell you. But first (ha ha) I’ll tell you who it’s not; or at least one “it’s not”, and that’s Raven. You want to know how I know? Because when the snake doesn’t bite her she does this:
On both feet. Lips on shoes, y’all.
I just. I don’t know. I feel bad disliking her because she’s ill, but sick people can be annoying too, okay?! Anyway, the rest of the ceremony is pretty uneventful except for people freaking out about a giant golden snake, and Paul saying this:
Knock it off, Banana Beard
Kevin thinks the snake would be beautiful in his home, and Jillian’s all, “That’s a big snake!”.
Ugh; it’s been real, Jillian, but I won’t miss you.
ANYWAY. The unlucky cursed one is Ramses.
Dun dun dun. At least it’s not Kevin.
Ramses’ curse means he has to nominate himself for eviction sometime in the next three weeks. I blame his parents for naming him Ramses; I mean, that’s just asking for him to be cursed if you ask me.
Now it’s time to play for the Power of Veto – I’ll bet $50 it’s bobbing for apples or a snake related game. Cody draws Matt’s name to play, Alex draws Raven, and Jillian draws Whistlenut, which makes Mark make this face:
Cody also picks a host for the competition, which is Kevin because of course it is. Let’s get this apple snake party started!
Oh whoa, it turns out I was wrong about the theme of this comp (also I was kidding about the $50, don’t write in), because it’s nautical themed.
Beautiful Merman Kevin!
To win this comp, players must scoop up starfish in the Big Brother Resort wading pool, then bring them back one at a time and balance as many starfish as possible on top of each other – all this while making sure their individual water reservoirs don’t run dry. Also there’s a temptation in this challenge, you knew it was coming; there’s a golden starfish that grants the power to avoid being a have-not for the rest of the season.
Oh, I don’t think you have to worry about that.
The best part of this competition is by far getting to hear Kevin say “stahfish” a million times, followed by Alex stealing starfish from Matt’s stockpile and Raven taking the temptation.
I think you mean Temptation Stahfish
Matt manages to stack 10 starfish, Jason, gets 14, Jillian does something (hurray, I guess), so then we’re down to only Cody and Alex trying to beat 14. Just when it looks like it’s going to be a real tight race, Cody sees that Alex is close to winning. Inexplicably he stops even trying to win, knocking over his remaining stahfish.
Anything for you, my queen. I mean go team. I mean….
Alex is psyched to win, but not as much as she would be if Cody hadn’t thrown the game.
Fine, I love her – cat ears be damned
Cody whispers real creepily into Alex’s ear that he has a plan, and not to worry, which is exactly the kind of thing that would make me worry if someone breathed it into the side of my face. Let’s move on to somewhere more pleasant.
How about the HOH room? Everyone is mad at Cody for throwing the comp but he seems kind of distracted.
Paul pushes for Ramses or Whistlenut to replace Alex as the nominee, but little does he know that Cody plans to nominate Paul himself this very day! Later Jessica tries her succubus skills again to get Cody to admit he threw the veto comp, but all she is rewarded with is Cody accidentally calling her “Alex”.
Jessica doesn’t say anything about this slip, but you can be sure she’s stored the knowledge in her lash extensions to use against Cobot later.
That afternoon, feeling nervous about the very real probability he’ll be nominated and evicted, Whistlenut takes off his hat to show subservience to Cody.
Whatever you need, Your HOH-ness
Cody offers Whistlenut a really shitty deal of Whistlenut keeping all the couples plus Dominque and Christmas safe in exchange for Cody not murdering Whistlenut in his sleep.
Nomination time! Alex vetoes herself on out of the nomination, and Cody gets up to reveal his grand plan – which he has run by absolutely no one. He’s like “there’s one person who’s a sneaky snake, tempting everyone with lies and apples and whatnot, and that person is PAUL”.
A screen lights up with a picture of the pendant of protection, and with varying speeds of comprehension, one by one the houseguests look shocked or dismayed. Except Cody, whose face looks like Cody, but with his jaw slightly more clenched.
“Is this what panic feels like?”
Paul stands up in more dramatic fashion than usual and explains that he’s safe for three weeks, bitches, so go ahead and pick your FIFTH nominee Cody. Ha ha ha ha (he doesn’t actually laugh maniacally here, but I’m sure that he is on the inside)!
Cody’s eyes dart around wildly; it’s plain he doesn’t have a contingency plan, and has never even thought of the possibility that Paul took the temptation. It only makes sense for him to nominate:
One of the few people in the house who could kick his ass. Sure.
Cody just says “You got screwed, Christmas” when he nominates her, which isn’t accurate. It should be “sorry I didn’t talk to my half-assed alliance to run through this stupid plan and now I’m out of people to nominate, stop hitting me”. Christmas stalks off to swing kettlebells furiously, Paul mutters something about “now I know who I can trust”, and that’s it!
Damn, this season has been crazy already – I can’t WAIT for the eviction! Like, I know logically they should vote out Christmas, but come on. Get Jillian on out of there; her slouching into conversations and nervous laughter on the live feeds is making me uncomfortable.
Until next time, Trashies –
Always remember to check your beard for bananas.