Hello all! We’re getting close to the finale of Southern Charm this week. There were a lot of scenes this episode I flat-out LOVED. First though- I want to thank my commenters for their supportive, kind words not only to me, but to their fellow commenters. I was very touched. We have the best group EVA! So, this week, we see more of TRav and Ashley faltering (YAAAAY!) Naomie being awesome some more along with Chels and Danni. And of course, KDenn is completely CRUSHING it this episode (and has some really cute scenes with Shep). Everyone is making preparations for Patricia’s Winter Wonderland Ball. Let’s go!
We open at Thomas’s country plantation retreat, Brookland. It really is a beautiful piece of property which Thomas is the least deserving to have, frankly. He’s aboard one of his polo ponies (I don’t know why they call them ponies. They aren’t ponies, but whatev). Being that MissKitty rides and is a horse aficionado, the use of a fringed blanket rather than the 8 million types of high-tech moisture wicking, impact absorbing saddle pads they make now intrigues her.
Nothing stays cooler than a woolen rug in muggy South Carolina ::crickets::
Kathryn is hanging a picture of the cutest child on television ever ™, Kensie.
Cutest kid ever…
Shep is cooking what looks like buttersticks mixed with rice which he promptly burns
How. How does one fuck this up
Craig comes down to start another sewing project.
This tableau is basically Craig in a nutshell. Confused hopeless body language, sewing machine, ganked up tendon paw splint, weird green punch
Meanwhile, his roommate Sean is like
“I’m just going to lose myself in my laptop, pretending there isn’t just a frame instead of a wall and it’s shelving for fabric samples behind me”
Craig complains that doing anything with his brace is hard. Craig also tells the world that “deadlines are arbitrary” for him.
“So to all my future judges: when you want a motion filed, just realize that the date is imaginary”
He complains about Patricia needing the design TWO FUCKING WEEKS longer than he said he’d deliver, and uses air quotes to denote that her need was a “principle thing”
“I pay my mortgage on a ‘principles thing’. I don’t understand why we’re in foreclosure now”
God he’s an idiot. How about when you actually get a job (okay IF you get a job) your employer decides paychecks are arbitrary. Maybe then you can see how stupid that is.
Cam is coming over to help Shep in his kitchen emergency.
Bitch you did NOT just have a baby
She complains about the smell, apparently waking Shep up.
Damn Shep. Pull yourself together dude
We find out that at what looks like 10am, Shep is trying to make some kind of meatball/rice dish.
Aaaaand apparently, it’s Wine O’Clock. Also apparently? Remind the world never to drink any milk at Shep’s house
Shep has looked up Craftey.com to get his recipe. Shep puts on a novelty apron (eh boy) and Cam teases him about gaining weight.
This looks like a Telenovela scene “Ay Dios MIO!”
Cam accepts a glass of wine. WHAT TIME IS IT? She asks Shep if he’s drunk. In an overly-exaggerated shrug, he whines that it’s a mean question. She interviews that she feels guilty leaving Palmer. She cracks me up when she calls babies “little parasites”.
You said it, not me
Cam wisely decides that Shep just needs to start over, and then even more wisely tells him he needs to get pants that fucking fit him as half his ass crack shows.
“I don’t want to SEE that” Says Cam and Aunt Sassy
Seriously- this is important. If you haven’t seen Lisa Kudrow as Valerie Cherish in The Comeback on HBO, ciss and desist from reading my recap and go to HBO immediately and watch every episode. It is one of the funniest fucking shows ever.
Shep is making the meatballs… AND THEN GOES TO REACH FOR HIS DRAWER HANDLE.
Note to the world: Never touch anything in Shep’s kitchen. Ever.
Cam screams at him for touching things after touching raw meat, and Shep whines that his mom did everything. Dude. You’re almost 40 years old. You went to college. You should know basic facts about pathogens. Cam says that she may be a bad cook (we flash back to the hilarious cooking lesson she took for her dinner party) but can follow a recipe. As Shep stumbles along and they cook together, she asks about Craig. Shep admits that Craig (after Austen begged and practically forced him) made out with a girl.
He was so giddy he broke the fourth wall
As the meatballs finish, Cam tells Shep he can do this meal for a date. “Yeah if I want to get rid of her” Shep jokes. I admit, I laughed when he said that. He’s still on track for saying something genuinely funny every show. They sit down to share a plate of the meatballs and then Shep busts out with
“Should I just marry Kathryn?”
What the WHAT??? Dude- he seems to really like her. He almost seemed like he was trying to feel out Cam’s reaction. Hmmm…
Patricia is up, and she rings the bell for Michael. She tells him Thomas is coming over. Michael, because he’s the most awesome of the awesomest awesome asks if he should poach some shrimp in butter. Then, a blur. There’s some kind of crazy curly-haired blonde lady no one has met before.
“Do you know who this is, Madam? She made an unsightly pool of saliva”
Thomas arrives, and he orders “Hamptons gatorade” aka Rose. Patricia gives Michael the guest list for the Winter Wonderland Ball. It’s going to be a very formal occasion with tails for the men and long (non-cocktail) attire for the women. Thomas has a bad foot from falling off one of his polo ponies. He explains that he’s getting out of polo. We see his dad advising him that one bad piece of luck and he could orphan his kids.
Thomas does the “mm hm” he does when he sounds like he’s agreeing, but is actually tuning out the advice
Aside- I have watched polo matches out in The Plains in Virginia, and it is a pretty risky sport. No one fell that I saw, but if a player were to fall at an inopportune time, there are like four very large animals right around you that could pulverize your organs if you get run over. Patricia tells Thomas about Ashley’s visit.
Wait. It’s not only wine o’clock- it’s WAY past “Shut Up Ashley”o’Clock. Shut up, Ashley
Ashley looks like she’s in a really bad acting class- one of those discount ones in a strip mall, where most of the students (if they’re lucky) will end up in a dinner theater in Reno, as she says Thomas is pushing her away, and testing her. And in those moments…. “[she cries]” AAAAAND Scene. Make that raspy caterwauling STOP. PLEASE.
“Less emoting, more FEELING, Ashley! You have to sell it to the back row! You have to lose yourself and find yourself, and make us BELIEVE that you are sad! SELL us! Okay Take 5”
Back to Thomas, he explains that Ashley needs to get a life, basically, and not focus on him so much. Patricia says it’s the advice that she gave Ashley. And we know how quickly Pat excises people from her orbit who don’t listen.
Thomas says Ashley doesn’t want to work. Thomas tells Patricia he asked Ashley what does she see in him? Ashley apparently answered that “he’s a good provider”. Ouch hahahaha.
“That dumb bitch needs to be a lot more subtle about her gold digging”
Patricia flat out says that Ashley’s response means essentially that she loves Thomas for being rich. She interviews a damning list: No job, no friends, nothing but an apartment that Thomas pays for…
Ah hahaha… get ready! You’re about to join Cooper and Landon in Exile
Next, one of my favorite scenes this week- Shep and Kathryn hanging out on the pier.
Aw… he’s smitten
Shep has brought them corn dogs. Kathryn says she’ hasn’t had one since she was little, and it’s kind of appropriate for being on the pier.
She asks about his knee, and he says he can ride a bike. He thinks they should go riding. She needs to buy one first…. Hm…. They’re not alone
Cue Jaws music
About to strike….
Hahahahaha! That bird is mad gangster!
Confession: I rewound and watched this scene multiple times
Shep jokes that he’s not going to eat where the bird ate. Shep turns serious after and says he was sorry to hear about last week (her hibernation/depression). Kathryn admits her stopping her meds.
I admire her honesty
As Shep tells her she just needs to let people know, that “everyone loves her” as she turns away in tears. Shep consoles her, and it’s beyond sweet.
Is anyone else like “fucking FINALLY?” or is it just me?
Shep tells her she’s doing great, and then asks whether she’s going to the polo match. Kathryn groans “Oh god” and mocks Thomas’s “last ride”. Kathryn then reveals what life was like at Brookland Plantation when she lived there with Thomas. How she slept in the basement with Kensie
Jesus Christ. I don’t even HAVE depression and I want to take some meds
Kathryn tells us that Thomas thought she would just magically know how to cook, clean and take care of Kensie, as we flash back to her cooking dinner, then changing Kensie while Thomas is yelling at her, sitting around like a glowering lazy ass toadstool.
She’s kind of BUSY right now, you fucking prick
She relays how she was 22 years old, no family no friends nearby, isolated. And how she wanted to have a nuclear family. See? That’s what after Season One I always thought about her. She didn’t go into this hoping for a life of luxury. Sure, the money made it a nice incentive, but what it sounds like she really wanted was a family of her own, with a man she loved. And this is why Andy Cohen, Thomas Ravenel, Whitney Sudler-Smith and yes, Patricia Altschul will *always* be on my shit list. They were old enough and ostensibly wise enough not to gaslight a vulnerable young woman. 22 in 1964 may have been older and wiser, but sorry, 22 in this day and age is a different animal. Especially a socially awkward one with a chemical imbalance. Now- was she TOTALLY blameless? Of course not. But a girl who is basically a good egg got pilloried by assholes two (and more) decades her senior who should have KNOWN better, for three fucking seasons. It was disgusting.
Take a good look, Andy Cohen and Whitney, you misogynistic pieces of SHIT
Shep adorably tells Kathryn that if she starts feeling anxious at the party to come talk to him. They can be in the corner making fun of everyone. So cute. Even if they don’t end up as a couple, I love their friendship and “partner-in-crime”-ness.
Austen and Chels are meeting at an oyster bar. Chels is making me DIE with that brown fitted short trench.
Must. Have. That. Jacket.
She and Austen do an oyster shot. Not sure what that is, but it sounds… interesting.
Chelsea said she loved Austen’s beer and had a blast.
She needs to wear chocolate all the time- it’s gorgeous on her
Austen tells Chelsea about breaking up with Victoria. She sticks up for Victoria, but listens to Austen.
“The breakup made me almost close my goddamn mouth all the way”
He asks her about her dating life, and she just closes her eyes and shakes her head.
That’s my expression when I’m asked too, incidentally
They both tell each other that they’re best friends. Chelsea asks Austen to the Winter Wonderland Ball, and says an emphatic NO! when he asks if she’s asking him out on a date. They both laugh.
Chels and Naomie meet up at a boutique to clothes shop for Thomas’s polo match. Naomie is looking SHARP as usual in a gorgeous outfit and…
UM… excuse me taptaptap… excuse me… taptaptap…. What’s in your purse?!!!!??????
She has a BEBEH KITTEH!!!! Named Rocky. Naomie rescued her on the way to the store- she’s paralyzed in her back legs and is wearing a diaper. ::SOB::!!! When Naomie tells Chels Rocky is 1.1 ounces, Chels hilariously says “I take shits bigger than you, cat!” hahahahahahahaha!
Rocky looks like “You DOOOO?”
Naomie and Chels settle on a nice sweater and jeans. Chels asks about Kathryn. When Naomie says Kathryn is nervous, not having been back there since she was there with Kensie, Chelsea says they’ll all be there, and “you know how we get-hiding in the bushes waiting to pounce!”
YES Ma’am! BAD. ASS.
Naomie confirms it with her interview, that Kathryn is a totally different person now, and if there’s anything going down, her girls have her back.
From one lioness to another- YEAH, girl
As Chels tires on sweaters, Naomie gets Rocky out. Rocky starts investigating her boobs, and Chels says “she’s trying to breast feed” Naomie objects vehemently, already starting to crack up. Chelsea says in mock hurt, “I’ve got another friend with a baby; you were the only one left”
After that scene of levity, we next go to the happiest couple on earth, driving to Thomas’s plantation.
Wonder what the camera person who drew having to film them gets as a consolation prize
They make stilted conversation in the car. Ashley whines that if it had been up to her, this is where they would have spent more time.
Thomas interviews that he wants a companion, a best friend, and that one night he and Ashley sat up all night talking. He says it’s not like that now. Probably because the same amount of coke isn’t having the same effect anymore. HEY-OHHHHH. He laments that all his life he sought out “fortune and fame”, thinking that he could attract a partner that way, but the women now are attracted to him for the wrong reasons.
“Et could also be thet I’m an entitled DECK, bet I’m not shore”
I don’t feel sorry for you. You basically act like a paunchy old-ass bee pollinating every single flower you fly near, including girls young enough to be your granddaughters, so bed:made:lie in it.
They arrive. We see the horses.
MMPH! Give that cutie an apple jolly goody!
He and Ashley walk up to the horses. “Hey, how you doing?” he asks the Chestnut. Ashley gives a half-hearted “aw” and walks away. Yeah, she really shares your interests, Thomas. Ashley asks why they’re so “fur” and why they don’t come closer. Um… because they’re good judges of CHARACTER, and probably because Thomas spends zero time grooming or bonding with them. To them, he only represents work, so of course most of them are going to shrink into the backs of their stalls.
“Oh shit- the one that smells of bourbon and wants me to run in 87% humidity is back. And he has brought a mean lady”
Seriously. Tick Tock is like
Thomas says he’s going to miss the sport. He’ll miss the thrill and the competition. Interestingly, he doesn’t say he’ll miss the horses. At all. They sit down, and Ashley starts blabbing about the plantation. She brings up marriage again.
I don’t know if anyone knows this, but Ashley REALLLLLLY wants a wedding and a ring. Did you know? I know she only mentions it every.waking.second, but perhaps you missed it.
Wait. YOU want to get married? To Thomas? Really? We didn’t know…
She’s too stupid to get that the more she pushes, the less he wants to be around her, and hysterically,, when she mentions having a wedding at the plantation, he asks her to pass him his vest.
This is the equivalent of chocolate fudge being licked off one’s fingers. Seriously- the naked ambition, glaring anger, and hideous contouring blush fail make this so, so delicious
Thomas brings up her “wonderful career” as Ashley practically sneers.
“I clean up shit and serve trays”
Thomas says that her career is what made her who she is, and he feels like a Sugar Daddy. She complains that in nursing you work weekends, you work holidays, and while he’s out, she’ll be at work. He argues that with her working, he’ll want to be around her more. She doesn’t see what would be different. He starts getting annoyed, and says working is just good for you (how would he know, but okay).
“I’ve hard thet getting a job ess fulfilling. I’ve hard”
Thomas says if she doesn’t want to do this, if he’s just a terrible person, “If I’m such a terrible person!” Ashley interrupts
Oo Oo! Let me! You’re BOTH terrible people who deserve one another. What do I win?
He says maybe they should just call it quits. As dreams of a life of leisure she didn’t inherit dwindle away along with her youth and what little beauty she has left, Ashley’s eyes widen in horror.
“You’re my last chance!!!!”
Can’t help but notice that both of them are licking their lips. Wonder how many bumps they both did before this scene.
It’s the day of the match/party. Thomas greets all his guests. The announcer, an old veteran, says there are only two ways to leave the sport: dead or broke. Thomas says it’s a very dangerous sport. He talks to two friends we’ve never seen before.
KDenn and Danni get ready. Looks like Kathryn spent the night over at Danni’s. They talk about how weird/intense it will be for Kathryn to go back to Brookland. Kathryn puts on one of her unique outfits.
One thing you can say about her- she’s not cookie cutter
Craig and Shep arrive, looking sharp, except for the fact that Craig doesn’t have any kind of tshirt or button down under his sweater. Shep scolds him.
Fashion Do and Don’t have arrived
Naomie and Chels arrive
Dude Naomie is always ON POINT
Fortunately, Wilson has dialed down his Erika Jayne glam squad-ness and is just coming into places subdued and normal. The guys and gals all greet each other. Shep teases Chelsea about her “ball date” (Austen) and says “better luck next time” and she playfully pushes him and tells him to shut up. It’s fun to see this group of friends interact. It’s like a genteel, educated Jersey Shore. She asks Shep who he’s taking, and he says “Kathryn”. Chelsea smiles. We flash back to Kathryn’s reaction to getting an invitation. She says she saw “Patricia Altschul” and wondered if she was being served hahahahaha. We see Shep sewing the seeds of a possible reconsideration of Kathryn as he talks about how she took care of him with his knee.
I love Whitney’s expression. All the effort he put into ruining her, all for naught. Good. Dickwipe.
Ashley arrives, in Thomas’s car. Is the house far away from the field? Where was she?
MissKitty gives credit where it’s due. I like her outfit.
The gang go out to watch the match. Thomas scores, and Shep yells for him. Thomas waves his mallet. “He acknowledged you, he won’t acknowledge me” Ashley complains. Shep’s face instantly gets the “Oh shit, don’t talk to me” look. Ashley, because she reads the room probably about as well as she reads a nursing handbook, corners Shep and starts a completely uncomfortable rant.
“Fuck. This babbling cokehead has me caught”
As she goes on an unintelligible rampage, spilling all her secrets, she culminates with “Would you date me?” to Shep.
“I’m high AF”
Shep’s expression is priceless
“What? The? Fuck? Are? You? Saying?”
Ugh. JD has arrived. Looking ridiculous in a cowboy hat. He used to be turned out perfectly- what happened? Was that all Elizabeth? You aren’t in Texas at an oilman’s convention, dipshit. You’re at a polo match. Ashley is excited to see him, because she’s excited to see any guy who will talk to her.
“Howdy! Yee HAW!”
Kathryn’s anxiety is ratcheting up on the way, but she looks stunning.
Turned out AF
She goes over to say hi to Thomas
He turns like a startled dog
When she sees Naomie and Chelsea, they tell her she’s a badass and crushing it. It’s so cool and awesome. Ashley gets an instant bitch face and tells JD she doesn’t want to talk to Kathryn. Oh, I’m sure it’s mutual honey. JD asks how they’re doing. Ashley takes it literally and unloads yet again. JD says they don’t need her to be joining “the break up bunch”
Yes, God forbid she becomes a strong, independent woman, you fat-ass leech
Shep greets her and is in awe of her outfit, calling it very Downton Abbey. Meanwhile, Chelsea has an idea. She thinks Craig should take Naomie to the ball. She proclaims “they’re getting the band back [together]” hahaha. Craig says Naomie doesn’t want to go with him. Naomie is like “why not ask?” and Craig hems and haws as everyone looks on. He argues that if they go as each other’s dates, he’ll think they’re on the way to reconciling, arguing that they talked about getting married, so it’s a bit different from Austen and Chels. Naomie sees his point. Then we find out that Craig doesn’t want to tell her, he already has a date!!!
Austen, because he hasn’t learned from his own blurting over-sharing, says it’d “be easy” to avoid a lie and have Craig just admit to Naomie that he invited someone else.
“Just tell her, you kissed her, you masturbated with your good hand thinking about her, and you’re taking her to the ball! What could go wrong with confessing it all, like I do???”
The match is over (no one except JD notices) and everyone matriculates over to the food, which looks GOOOD. Kathryn goes back to the scene of Kensie’s “scandalous” second Christening, and explains she’s a little weirded out at how okay she’s feeling about it all. Austen is heading up to eat, and yells “Chels!” across the way, as she yells “hey!” back. She laughs that she’s getting her flirt on. It’s awesome!!!
Yeah! Go girl!
Nick, Thomas’s friend she’s flirting with, chuckles
I think she caught him off guard- LOL
Naomie groans that she has to leave the food before she throws up, and then decides to have more. “Okay; I’m back” she decides.
Thomas sits with JD and Craig, discussing the “Ashley situation”, and Craig throws in some shade. YES. Welcome back, Craig! Craig spills it that while Ashley was yip yapping at the beer tasting at him, she said if only he was a few years older, she’d be dating him instead. Wow. NICE! Wonder how many times Kathryn said that when she was trying to have a relationship with you, Thomas… I’m going to go out on a limb and guess ZERO. ZERO times. Although…
Couldn’t hurt the ego of a more deserving asshole
Craig brings up a good point about relationships. When he saw Naomie’s car in the driveway, when they were good, he was pumped. When things started getting bad, his heart sank. It’s kind of a simple barometer, if you ask me. Thomas admits his heart sinks. Dude, if you’ve only been going out with someone less than a YEAR and it’s like that, that’s your fucking CLUE that it’s not right, dumbshit. Thomas assures them that his eyes are open.
Kathryn compliments Thomas on it being a lovely, great gathering. They sit down together, while Ashley brags to some poor unwitting soul about how she’s always been “an alpha female”
Let me clue you in on a little tip, there, bimface… When you have to announce that you’re an alpha female…. You aren’t
Ashley nervously grooms when she sees Kathryn sitting down with Thomas. “She’s a scary one, isn’t she?” she breathlessly asks. Yeah. JUST like an alpha female does. Hahahahaha. She reminds MissKitty of her first long-coated German shepherd, Athena, who was one of the, if not the most, dominant dogs she’d ever seen. In other words, she was a GENUINE Alpha. Athena never started fights. But she finished them in a decisive pin-the-opponent-to-the-ground way that never caused any injury but left little question as to who was in charge. She didn’t have to go start shit with other dogs, because she didn’t fucking have to. MissKitty’s current long-coat male is heavier and taller than Athena was, but the other day he was too scared of the watering can to drink out of the hose spigot. MissKitty would like to think that he’d defend her from danger, but looking at his sweet, often vacant happiness, she has her doubts.
Many, many doubts
Thomas confides in Kathryn that his relationship isn’t working. She says sometimes they don’t work, they didn’t work, but both are okay. She tells him he follows patterns and that he needs to be more careful who he lets into his life, that people want something from him. She notices Ashley getting more and more agitated, as Alpha females often do ::SNORT:: hahaha. Thomas spouts his needlepoint samplers, to Kathryn’s bored face that seems to say “yeah, I’m familiar.”
“If he starts quoting Steel Magnolias again, I’m out of here”
Kathryn offers an ear if he ever wants to talk.
Thomas sits down with Ashley and they discuss the day, and their relationship for the 875th time. She says in a nutshell that she’s not ready to give up her dream of snagging a rich older man, I mean, she’s not ready to throw in the towel. She has learned so much about herself. And she’s not ready to give up hope. OMG this is really like a bad script.
“Yes Ashley! We feel it more! You’re almost ready to audition for A Streetcar Named Desire at the Funtime Theater in Reno!!!”
So that’s it for this week. Next week is the Ball! And the really ugly showdown part II with Ashley and Kathryn, as well as Ashley flaming out with everyone present in spectacular failure. Can’t wait! So what are your thoughts??? Keep ’em coming!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!