Previous on Biiiig Bruuuuuther: A bunch of houseguests moved in and they were all horrible. One guy seemed kind of like a decent human who wasn’t gonna annoy the shit out of me, but they traded him out for the most annoying guy from last season, so that seemed like a fair deal.
At least it wasn’t Frankie
Oh, and also temptations. Prepare to hear that word a lot. Add it to your Big Brother drinking game to increase your chances of dying of kidney failure before you rage punch your TV hoping to hit Paul.
So far I actively dislike Chucklenuts the rodeo clown (who is a dead ringer for Matthew Lillard), the creepy old guy who accidentally wandered onto the set despite not knowing what Big Brother is, Josh, the giant whiny guy, and Quaalude Cody, who has yet to make a facial expression. I like Ramses, and don’t hate Christmas, even though her name is really stupid and I bet she gets “Christmas coming in July” pickup lines every time she goes out. Oh, and who put all these fucking apples on the wall?
The fuck, Big Brother? Cowboy Matthew Lillard is confused
In standard BB fashion, the guys all think the girls have a super secret alliance and the girls all think the guys have a super secret alliance. Because genital matching is the best way to form a team.
Oh hey, we’re two days in and the Giant Josh is already sobbing. Arbor Day comes over and gives him hugs. He misses his mommy, guys. I lasted longer than 2 days without missing my mommy when I went to summer camp when I was ten. My mom did spend all her time drinking and telling me all the ways my birth ruined her life though.
It’s been TWO FUCKING DAYS
Why does everyone have made up job titles?
Fuck you, you work at Sally Beauty Supply
Just leave the VIP money on the nightstand
Ooooh! Someone’s at the door! It’s Nicole that won last season! She’s just here to play, which is good for Paul, who is worried she’ll come beat him again. And who is incapable of talking without violently shaking his head back and forth. Is his speech center kinetically powered?
HoH is a team comp, with each team climbing vines and retrieving rotten apples from “Eden” in a race to fill their apple chutes. If someone grabs a golden apple they get immunity, but the rest of their team is disqualified from the game (that’s the temptation DRINK).
Actual conversation from the writer’s room for BB:
BB guy #1: “Guys, this season’s theme is Temptation. What can we bring in to represent temptation?”
BB guy #2: “Oooh! Apples! Like in the Garden of Eden.”
BB guy #1: “Brilliant! That’s perfect! What else?”
Entire room: “…..”
BB guy #3: “…Apples? Like… more apples?”
BB guy #1: “Sure. Okay. So we’ve got apples. What else guys?”
BB guy #4: “Um… Um… Ooh! Apples!”
Anyway, Giant Josh grabs the golden apple immediately, thus disqualifying his team. But he makes up for his douchebaggery by cry-yelling a bunch at the blue haired dog walker Megan, accusing her of conspiring against him and also being a sneaky snake. Oh good, we get to spend the whole summer playing Spoiled Man Baby or Legitimate Mental Illness. Place your bets in the comments!
There was less crying in the theatre during the first five minutes of Up
Meathead Mark dislocates his finger, but just keeps playing. Quaalude Cody is really mad about what the emo giant did.
This is me angry! Look at my angry face!
After some dumb round with apple balancing Quaalude Cody emerges victorious and is crowned the new Hoh. As lame as that sounds, at least he hates Paul. Because really, who wouldn’t hate Paul? His face is made of Paul-face.
Back inside, Josh decides he needs to yell at Megan in front of the whole house, and while she leans on the counter and occasionally says, “Sorry if I made you feel that way” the whole argument is basically just him going, “I can tell what you’re thinking! I’m super intelligent! Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams! You’re a nice girl! Peanut butter! Illuminati!” She leaves and Old Creepy Lost Dude tells Josh he crossed a line, scared the hell out of Megan, and put a target on his back, and that he needs to chill the fuck out. Maybe Cody got some more Quaaludes in his HoH basket you could swipe.
Unlikely voice of reason
Alliance time! There’s a bromance forming between Cody, Silver Fox Matt, and Meathead Mark. In true high school fashion, Cody also forms a side alliance with all the pretty people who aren’t “Weirdos” and guns for the outcasts. We’re barely a step above swirlies here.
So confused he forgot he needs water to shower
Josh apologizes to Megan, but he makes the apology all about him. Cause he’s a cumnugget.
Nomination time! Up on the block are Jillian, the Trump loving Time Share pusher, and Megan, the constantly shit on dog walker, with a side plan to Backdoor Paul. Cody tells Megan he nominated her because he doesn’t like her. Guys, am I missing something with Megan? She seems pretty inoffensive. Is she just shitting in everyone’s pillows on the live feeds and they’re editing it out?
Maybe next time you’ll remember to be an obnoxious narcissist like everyone else!
Well, that’s it for this Thursday. We’ll see if anyone uses the PoV to get Paul backdoored next time. Maybe someday I’ll even be able to hear the term “Backdoor Paul” without bursting into giggles.