Hi, Trashies! I’m not sure if I can stay awake through another episode. It seems like this is the most boring season ever. It’s seriously mirroring Jojo’s season: a group of guys that are pretty much all duds and a lead who can’t stop talking about the last Bachelor. Can we just all agree that Becca picks either Blake or Garrett and we can move on with our lives from there? OK, well, while we’re here, let’s just get right to the snarking.
Ugh. Becca tells us that Las Vegas is “the perfect place the roll the dice on love.” Is anywhere in the world not perfect for falling in love? I’m just waiting to hear “Pyongyang is the perfect place to fall in love!” during one of these episodes.
I’m cringing so hard as this footage.
The guys arrive at their hotel room and Becca is already there. After she leaves, a date card arrives for Colton. Gross. This guy talks like someone gave him a “how to be on The Bachelorette” book. I guess it’s fitting seeing as Tia was pretty much exactly the same.
Real subtle, producers.
Becca and Colton ride some camels through the desert…to a hot tub, of course. Since literally nothing is happening, we cut back to the house where David is trying to analyze the order of the roses being handed out. Of course, that means he’s also picking at Jordan for getting the last rose. Can these two just ignore one another already?
OK, back to the hot tub. Why are they talking about Colton’s one weekend with Tia like they had some huge relationship together.
Colton got over Tia quickly.
The nighttime portion of the date is nothing out of the ordinary. Colton talks about his past relationship and we all know that he’s talkin about the time he dated Aly Raisman. Since this is also boring, let’s go hear about the group date card for Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris. That means that (shockingly), David and Jordan will be on a two-on-one date. I’m sure no one saw that coming. They never put rivals on the two-on-one date. Ever.
On the date, Colton is saying the usual stuff about having his guard and his walls up. Becca is making it easier for him to take his walls down. This guy is really gunning for the Bachelor spot, isn’t he? It all works, because he gets a rose and can stay another week.
OK, group date time. The guys are all meeting with…
I’m pretty sure that’s Wayne Newton.
So, they talk about the song “Danke Schoen” and the guys have to write new lyrics to sing them to Becca. It’s official. This is one of the cringiest dates ever. I wanted to make fun of him for bringing his wife out there, but the dude has only been married twice and this marriage has been going on for 24 years now. I guess I can’t snark too bad. Dammit, Wayne. Well, his face still looks like he was caught in a fire.
Aw, they got matching facelifts.
Lincoln had no idea what the phrase “danke schoen” means. He’s reading way too far into it. It just means “thank you very much.” I’m going to ignore the David and Jordan bickering, so let’s just continue on with the date. The guys are really bad at this. Chris is still riding high on his compliments from Richard Marx. I think Wayne Newton hates Chris’ lyrics, but I can’t really tell because his facial expression never changes. He says he’s impressed, so I believe it. I can’t really concentrate on the song writing because…
I’m pretty sure Wills is wearing a romper.
So, the men perform on stage later that night and it goes just as well as this type of date always goes. Chris is taking this way too seriously. He strikes me as someone who does that a lot. So, let’s get to what we all want to talk about: Chris’ meltdown on the date after Blake gets the rose. Yeah, Becca didn’t come to get him for any one-on-one time, but the show is called The Bachelorette. It’s not really her job to try to impress Chris. Him threatening to go home is just stupid and manipulative. The show isn’t about you, Chris. Grow up.
So, two-on-one time. Remember the date with Ashley I. and Kelsey on Chris’ season? It’s pretty much exactly the same as that – right down to the bed in the middle of the desert. The two just talk badly of one another. I’m not sure I believe what David is saying about Jordan hitting on other women in the casino. I can’t imagine the producers would not show something that would cause a shit ton of drama like that.
I’m actually on your side for this, Jordan. Don’t fuck it up.
So, Becca decides to send David home. Later, she spends some time talking to Jordan. Unfortunately, he only talks about himself and his modeling career. Obviously, there was never going to be anything between Becca and Jordan, so she cuts him loose as well.
So, the night ends with some more Chris drama. He’s still threatening to leave and being a big baby about the whole situation. When he finally talks to Becca, he tells her that she owes him “50,000 kisses.” Ew. Fuck off with that shit, Chris. She wants to ask him why he was threatening to leave and Chris says something about how the old him would have just left. Oh, well, it’s good to know that the new him will just threaten to leave as a manipulation tactic. Let’s move on from this, please!
Yay! More Wills! He’s growing on me.
DAMMIT, CHRIS! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!
Literally nothing gets accomplished during the two minutes that Wills let Chris cut in. All Chris had to do was say something like, “Hey, Becca, look. I’m sorry. I reacted badly. Hopefully we can forget about it and move on.” He tries to argue when Wills comes back and Becca finally stands up for herself and just says, “Look, I’ll come talk to you when I’m done here. K, bye!” I may have ad libbed that part. So, let’s get to the rose ceremony.
Blake and Colton have roses. The rest of the men staying are:
Yep. Chris got the producer rose. Hell, just look at Becca’s face when she calls his name.
“Chris…if I have to.”
I’m sad to see Venmo John go, but he’ll be on Paradise. I’m sure he’ll be just fine there. So that’s it for this week! I guess Chris is our villain now. Oh, and they’re all heading to…Richmond, VA. The guys can’t even muster up faux excitement for that. I’ve been to Richmond a few times. It’s fine. It’s not really a date for a show like this, but what can ya do?
Until next week, Trashies!
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