Hello dear ones. Another episode of Southern Charm which seems to always start with a lighthearted look at non-genteel Southern manners and foibles and goes darker and darker by the end of the season. This week, because we all need a little cheering up from Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, we see Kathryn disappear, causing at least one of her friends to think she may be dead. Fun….? We watch Whitney put something even grosser than normal into his mouth, and we see Craig swan dive into a fail-pit of lava, alligators, and broken glass. My commenters were as usual on point, and had me laughing. Let’s roll!
Oh good! We’re going to open with a fun workout scene and…
“Mailbox is full…” Oh no. The siren call of flakes everywhere.
Chels is facetiming Cam, wanting to hear everything. Cam says she’s the cow and Palmer is the calf and then shows Chels her fuller boobs. Thomas is baptizing his face.
Didn’t work. Why is the water bubbling and hissing?
Naomie is finished with her boxing workout. Damn that girl is in good shape. Naomie calls Danni to see if she’s heard from Kathryn. They were supposed to take a boxing class together, and no one has seen or heard from her since Monday and it’s now Thursday. Danni is worried. Naomie calls Shep. He’s not exactly encouraging.
This must be fun to watch later
Austen and Shep meet as usual in a deserted bar in the middle of the day to have lunch and drink. Wouldn’t it be cool if they were doing something else?
“Peace bro! Ready to learn Sanskrit and archery?”
Shep asks Austen about his beer, and we see him meeting with his parents. They’re willing to invest $20,000 to get his beer company started. Jesus Christ. Didn’t they already invest $100K to put him through school? At least Austen didn’t try to make us all feel sorry for him the way Landon did last year when she boo hoo’d over her dad giving her properties to manage.
“How much White Privilege Capital do you need, son? We want to teach you self-reliance and making it on your own”
Austen confesses to Shep that he and Victoria got into a fight about Chelsea. Austen calls himself stupid for telling Victoria that he swung Chelsea in a big hug, I guess not realizing it was RECORDED, since they’re on a SHOW that gets RECORDED. Anyway, Victoria got mad, saying he didn’t swing her around, threw a drink in his face, and he told her to get out. And blocked her. Whoa. He has no remorse.
I’m sure she really doesn’t have any either
We next see a delicious scene of artifice, especially since we know the latest on these two. A hoarse, whiny, whispery Ashley goes to Patricia’s house.
She’s going to hate you later. HA. HA.
Ashley comes and weaves an amusing, blameless tale of woe to Patricia about mean Kathryn. Meanwhile, this was juxtaposed to Kathryn’s calm demeanor and the confession on WWHL Naomie made that what was on camera was but a fraction of how terrible Ashley was to Kathryn. Knowing what we know now, that Patricia has forgiven Kathryn and blocked Ashley on social media, this scene made MissKitty smile a slow, evil smile. Let’s watch!
Patricia summons a hot toddy for Ashley as Ashley mewls and lickspittles on the sofa, and a martini for herself.
“Well it all started when I innocently said nothing icky, heartless and cunty…”
Ashley talks about her “adorable” “jokes” about wanting a ring. Then she understatements that they had a “confrontation” at Hilton Head, completely skating over her own bullying behavior.
We don’t care Ashley, Do U?
Ashley is sick, and has been for ten days. Well, it’s good that you’re a NURSE and are taking such great care of yourself, dingbat. She woes to Patricia that she’s under a lot of stress, and Thomas is the only thing she has out there. Well, you dizzy herpes sore, if you weren’t such a fucking twat to everyone there and showed a smidgeon of humility and grace, maybe you’d be able to hang with the other girls and actually have a shot at staying on the show.
“I am so persecuted! I’m the victim!”
She wonders if this is what she envisioned for her life.
Well, your idol is a woman with no discernible original thoughts or talents who snagged a rich asshole, so I’d say yes
Patricia’s first piece of advice is that men don’t change. Patricia admits that her second word of advice to managing Thomas is to just sit and listen. Patricia’s *mom*’s word of advice was to “Keep quiet and think of England”
“I keep quiet and think of Whitney. I mean, England”
She advises that Kathryn will be there forever, as Ashley squirms and pretends to not be a skank-ass bitch.
“I’ll just have to sit here with my halo-ah”
We see my favorite duo, Chels and T.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d take 10 Tysons over 1 Thomas every day and twice on Sunday
Naomie comes over bearing juice. Chels doesn’t start well; she bangs her tooth on the metal straw. It’s very um… beety juice. Naomie winces and puts hers down. Confession: MissKitty LOVES beets and has juiced them.
What’s that strange hand coming in? YOINK
They both talk about Kathryn with concern. They also talk about Austen’s beer (they like it) and the fact that Craig hasn’t seen Palmer yet, because… Oh god. Because he doesn’t want a flu shot. Craig, Alex Jones’ target gullible idiot, is afraid of the flu shot, because some girl out of the 53 Million who have gotten the flu shot became messed up and could only walk backwards. Also? He is afraid to pump his own gas, because terrorists are putting poison on the pump handles.
“I heard it on a Yahoo thread also not to flash your lights at a driver, because it may be a gang member who will follow you and kill you”
Next we see a fun trio- Cam, Whitney, and Shep. For some reason, seeing these old school Charmers makes me very happy. They’re meeting at a barbecue place, which is always fun for food porn also.
They look like Besties holding hands
They all greet each other warmly. Cam can talk about nothing except her lactation, much to MissKitty’s nausea, and it gets worse from there. Oh, does it get worse. Whitney asks how long Palmer needs to breast feed, and she jokingly asks him if he isn’t still. Whitney play-laughs. It’s actually pretty funny.
Once in a while, you’re amusing
Cam has… Oh no. She. Oh God. She’s brought…. Christ… some of her breast milk for Shep and Whitney to DRINK. They’re both game. Yes, there is absolutely nothing disgusting about thick milk from the warmth of a coat pocket in 50 degree weather your friend has harvested. Regular cow’s milk in that environment would be absolutely hideous. But the milk from one of your friends? It’s beyond gross.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Hell to the NAW. Nope.
Predictably, Whitney gags and almost tosses his groceries at the table, which is still better than MissKitty would have done. It would have been “Look what I brought here in this…” SCREEEEEEECHHHHH VROOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM as the car peeled away out of the parking lot. Shep, on the other hand, because it came out of Cam, LOVES it. Poor Whitney is still recovering from his ordeal, which is hilarious, and Cam asks about Thomas and Ashley. Shep tattles that Thomas is buying her a “promise ring” a la Craig and bluntly tells Cam that he thinks they’re on their way to breaking up, particularly because Thomas can’t seem to stick to one girl. Cam tells Shep that maybe HE should go for Ashley, and his face is priceless. “Fuck no” he says.
I’ve never seen Shep make this kind of face before, and he just drank warm, thick, overly sweet, human boob juice
Cam asks if Shep maybe should go for Naomie. Shep astutely says he hasn’t gotten much warmth from her that way. Cam then asks if they think Craig has gotten laid since Naomie (no) and whether Naomie was the first time he got laid (no, but probably close). They ask Cam about pregnancy, and if she’s banged yet. She admits no. Whitney asks about the state of her vag, and Cam candidly says her vagina seems totally fine. They joke about having a party in her vag, and they all do that dumb laugh together again.
Other than the thing that rhymes with Test Silk, I enjoyed this scene
Craig meets up with his old friend Warren at a bar; he went to law school with Warren. We saw this guy in the second season(?) I think, yelling at Craig to get his shit together.
“Hi! I still don’t have my shit together! Look! But by the way, I can still masturbate!”
We flash back to a younger Warren of yore yelling at Craig.
“I’m sure you’ll eventually get it together, but not right now!”
Warren asks what he did to his hand, and Craig says he stabbed himself with a butter knife, and then asks “can you believe it?”
“That’s rhetorical, right?”
Warren is married, doing well with his practice, and hints at/wonders if Craig is looking for a job. Craig says he wants to work out of his house. Warren asks what he’s doing, and Craig says he’s a pillow seamstress.
“Oh. My. God.”
As Craig explains his pillow business that has no business plan and his “line for Patricia” Warren is looking at Craig more and more the way Lt. Dan looked at Forrest Gump in almost every scene, like “How is it that you’re not only alive, but thriving and famous?”
“You probably make more than me right now, because you’re on television”
As Craig talks and Warren gets more and more incredulously enraged, he shows him the pillow design. “Is that.. Is that clip art?” Warren asks, about to lose his complete composure.
“How.. HOW ARE YOU FAMOUS?”
Craig nasally explains that he has to use clip art with the oblivion of the fool that the Lord always takes care of. Watching Warren’s sputtering indignation and Craig’s clueless head tilts is honestly utterly hilarious.
“Are you punking me right now? You’re punking me, right? Hello? Is this on camera?”
Craig smugly tells us that Warren didn’t pick out his own pillows and thus isn’t his target audience. Warren finally breaks down in the helpless laughter you do when you realize you’re sitting across from someone so guilelessly stupid that you just go “Okay, I’ll go along on this insane train ride with you”, knowing that it’s temporary and you can leave at any time. Craig isn’t as amused, but then pokes fun at himself for not being able to off himself with a butter knife.
“I can go home to reality, so may as well just enjoy the crazy!”
Next Thomas in his white pants go wake up Saint and Kensie. He interviews that he always knew his life would center around a couple of kids; he just thought he’d be doing it as a couple.
You picked a 21-year-old to have unprotected sex with. Many times. What the fuck did you think would happen?
Thomas fixes them breakfast, and it’s cute. One question though:
Do none of the houses have screens? They always seem to have giant bug bites on their faces
Thomas “mayor hands” (hahaha thank you Ronnie and Ben!) in his interview about Kathryn transitioning from a carefree young adult to a woman, with a woman’s heart.
“I hope that one day I too, kin transition to en adult with en adult heart”
Thomas says if Kathryn continues, in five years she’ll probably be voted mom of the year. Yeah, it’s AMAZING how well women can do when they aren’t dating you anymore, isn’t it. As I’ve said every show, Thomas is a lot of things, but he does seem to be a devoted dad who dotes on his kids.
The next scene is Naomie and Danni driving over to Kathryn’s apartment, because she is still AWOL. Poor Danni is shaky and nervous. We find out Kathryn also missed work without calling. Oh no. BAD.
Awww- I love her!!
They blame Thomas having a girlfriend, amending that correctly to having Ashley. Danni says she sucks the life out of Kathryn, and mirroring America, says Ashley sucks the life out of her. Danni says she wishes she knew how to pick a lock. “I do” Naomie says. Of course she does hahahaha. Miss Cyberstalker. They debate whether it’s legal. “We’re her friends! So, yes!” Danni insists. Hahaha. These chicks (and Chels) totally remind me of myself and my barn girls. They arrive, looking fearful, knocking on her door.
Note: to anyone who has had this happen, I’m very sorry. It’s no joke. It’s scary AF, and if you know someone like MissKitty knew, who actually went through with it (after calling MissKitty to say goodbye), it’s awful. Truly awful.
Because they are smart girls, after Naomie tries to pick the lock, they go to the property manager to request a wellness check.
A terrifying graphic
The property manager isn’t surprised, because Kathryn had a package she didn’t pick up. The property manager tells them Kathryn is in there, and isn’t dead. It’s a vast relief. Again, Southern Charm is going to a very deeply dark place this season. I’m a snarky recapper most of the time, but being honest, I was in tears when I found out she was okay. Then I was as angry as Danni and Naomie, as they go back up to confront her. Kathryn doesn’t answer. Danni and Naomie are pissed and confused.
Eee. Can we go back to laughing at Craig’s pillows now, or Whitney spit taking Cam’s tit milk? Please?
Next, we go to Craig’s hoarder house, where he is inexplicably cutting flowers, mumbling as they fall onto the floor.
Sigh. Oh, Craig
What’s the over/under that this will still be on the floor next show?
Patricia calls while his is arranging his flowers, asking if he could come by to show her his pillows. She asks if he can come in an hour, the awesome producers specifying the time as 3:30pm. Craig agrees.
Yes. Let’s all take a good look at this. It’ll be important.
We next see- and my thought was:
OMG! He arrived 15 minutes late for a business meeting? That’s insa…
And then the cold reality settles in that he hasn’t even left his HOUSE YET.
OMG OMG OMG OMG I don’t care if he was fucking the Pablo Picasso of pillows- the business would fold then and there
We watch him dither around with more (stolen) clip art. Wow he must have fallen asleep during TRADEMARKS and PATENTS and LICENSING in law school, because I’m sure the artist would LOVE to have his or her work making money for someone else. Now it’s AN HOUR LATER THAN THE MEETING
Does he not realize that no one will hire him? To do anything?
At 6:10pm, aka almost TWO HOURS past the meeting time, Craig decides “it is what it is” and takes the original shitty clip art to see Patricia. At 6:30, he finally arrives. Patricia is too nice to yell at him for being two hours late. So she just asks to see his designs. She likes the dogs and the palm trees, and then when she finds out he got the stencil off the internet and added the colors, Patricia tells him it has to be original art. Craig claims he didn’t know that. Eh boy.
Can we go back to Danni and Naomie, worrying that Kathryn is dead? Please? It’d be less uncomfortable to watch
Craig tells her he can tweak this and fix that, and Patricia tells him he’s out of time. We find out that the timeframe was supposed to be ten days, and it has turned into two months. Jesus H. He really needs medication. Or something.
Why does he always look surprised when his procrastination costs him things?
Craig laments that if she had given him one more night, he would have been able to make them perfect. No. You wouldn’t.
Next we finally see another lighthearted scene- Naomie and Chels are having Cam over for a girls’ spa day. Naomie fills Chelsea in on Kathryn. “What in the world?” Chelsea asks.
Love her sweatshirt. And her kind-hearted concern
Their worry is sweet. Chels then has a spectacular idea- “Let’s make a drink”. YEAH GIRL! Oh. It’s sweet tea, not alcohol. YEAH GIRL! The masseuses and pedicurist arrive. Chels and Naomie want a demonstration. Naomie channels MissKitty when she says that all she needs is her blanket and her cat and she’d be all set.
Danni arrives bearing a gift. As they watch Chelsea get her neck rubbed, squinting in concentration, Naomie says she looks like she’s taking a shit. Hahahahahahahahaha!!! MissKitty cracked the hell UP. Cam arrives to much fanfare and hugs all around. Naomie instantly wants to feel her boobs.
Basically, what every dude thinks happens at every girls’ spa day
They talk about selling Cam’s breast milk, because it’s apparently a thing. Naomie makes the best face ever!
Yeah. Same. About all of it. High five.
They ask Cam about the highs and lows and then pop some champagne. Cam jokes that she’ll be drunk off two sips, and Chelsea asks if they have to pump out the alcohol. Chelsea hilariously whispers for Cam to pump it and bottle it up so they can sell it. Danni either made or had made a portrait of Palmer’s ultrasound.
It’s as clear as they normally are to me, TBH
Cam, sadly, has to go. She says it’s no longer her life solely about her, and she’s okay with that. Good on ya. My ass would be getting a third massage, eating some nuggets, fruit and cookies, drinking champagne. But whatevs. To each her own. And good news! Shep calls, telling the girls that Kathryn picked up her kids from Thomas. They are all relieved that Thomas isn’t aware of what had been going on or Ashley.
Speak of the squeaky ho, she and Thomas are getting some dinner. She whines that he needs to walk a little slower. It’s always a good sign when less than a year in, a couple is already berating each other every five seconds. What a joy.
The happiness just BEAMS from them
He makes a wolf joke about the Lobo wine he orders, and she sneers “playfully” that he may be single again. “You breaking up with me?” he asks, sounding hopeful. He tells her he’s doing his best to make her his. “You’re not doing a very good job at it” she whine/jokes.
You aren’t dull and exhausting at all. Oh wait. Yes you are.
She talks about them having a “rough patch” and he says he feels like he picked up a stranger from California. Um. BECAUSE YOU’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER LIKE 7 MONTHS, YOU PAIR OF DUMBSHITS. She’s reassessing the relationship, and then wrinkles her nose at the wine he picked. Even the waiter is all:
“You’ve only been here 23 minutes and I can’t stand either one of you”
Thomas then does it. He fishes around in his pocket and gives her a box. “Baaaabe” she croaks in that annoying little girl voice. “Thenk You-ah”
“He’s finally-ah proposeeeen-ah!”
NOPE! AH HAHAHAHAHA!
To my vast relief, it’s just a bracelet. False alarm! False alarm! She thanks the waiter more profusely than she does Thomas. “How do we move forward” she asks sourly, clearly disappointed.
So grateful for your present! Hahahahaha
Thomas tells her she needs to get a fucking life. “Like a JOB?” she interjects snidely. Something tells me he already told her he wouldn’t like it if her schedule is tied up with work. I’m SURE he’s given her mixed signals and gaslit the FUCK out of her. But you know what? I don’t feel one iota of pity for her. None. Zero. Zilch. She’s old enough to know better, and she knew exactly what she was getting, if she had been smart enough to watch the first seasons of the show. She dramatically whispers, wondering if she even has a shot. What the fuck do YOU think? Yes, as long as you do exactly what he wants every waking second, don’t mind him sticking his pecker in every other woman he can assault, oops, I mean woo, and having him pining over Kathryn the rest of your life. Have at it. Couldn’t happen to a nicer individual.
Speaking of Kathryn, we FINALLY see her and hear from her own lips what the fuck happened!
Yay! Now face your woodshed! Your friends were worried
Kathryn explained that it wasn’t intentional. She shut her phone (and the world) off and hibernated. Danni isn’t satisfied with that. Kathryn hesitates, and then admits the truth about something she hasn’t opened up about, which is her depression, and taking medication for it.
You and like a billion other people. Nothing wrong with it
She admits that because she was doing so well in her life, she stopped taking them. BIG mistake. And a common one (from what I’ve heard from friends who take meds). Kathryn is ashamed.
Aw. Such an important thing for people to see. And don’t be ashamed.
She says the depression made her feel unworthy of friendship and a burden to people. Danni, in tears, tells her that she gets so much out of their friendship.
Is someone chopping onions? Totally in tears myself
That was the final scene. Anyone else a big crybaby during that scene? Do I need to turn in my snark card??! Next week, we see happier news, aka Ashley and Thomas hit the skids some more (Patricia counsels Thomas about Ashley being a gold digger), the gang goes to Thomas’s country house, and the guys and girls arrange dates for the Winter Wonderland Ball. Hit me up with gossip, predictions, venting, whatever! As an aside, since the producers of this show are thicker than Cam’s milkshake, here. No snark, no joke. If you feel in trouble, reach out. Wish my friend had used the phone number below, instead of a .22.
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