Hello Hello, loyal and recently neglected followers! It’s officially summer, which means it’s officially summer schlockbuster season, which means Movietrash is coming at you full force. Let’s kick things back into gear with this summer’s biggest (so far) schlockbuster: Jurassic World!
Disclaimer: While this movie was cheesy and dumb, I loved the hell out of it. The following mockery, while well deserved, should not dissuade any of you from going to see this movie. It’s fun. Just turn your damn brain down and watch some dinosaurs eat some stuff.
Our child protagonists this time around around Dreamy Teenage Boy and his little brother Tiny Version of the Kid from Almost Famous.
Does this actor have one of those time turners that Hermione had?
They’re taking a trip out to Jurassic World to see their aunt who runs the place. Said aunt is played by Bryce Dallas Howard, and upon seeing her I immediately brace myself for a negative cinematic experience. Not that I have any problem with her as an actress or general human being, but every movie I’ve ever seen her in has been aggressively bad. She’s playing the uptight type-a business woman, and you know she’s serious cause she’s got a super severe haircut and perfectly white high heels.
Playing the wildcard loose cannon dreamy love interest that all movies are legally required to have offset type-a businesswomen is Chris Pratt. Being a 6 on the Kinsey Scale I tend to be fairly oblivious to these things, but my girlfriend came to this movie with me and she tells me he’s super dreamy. Chris Pratt is a velociraptor trainer with a heart of gold.
Playing the first of our ham-fisted antagonists is Jon Favreau. He’s a military guy, and being a silly action movie military guy, he obviously wants to weaponize whatever the fuck non-weapon thing the movie is about (in this case, Chris Pratt’s trained velociraptors). Chris Pratt thinks that’s a bad idea. Jon Favreau doesn’t care because he loves the smell of T-Rex in the morning. Or something…
Off in the Jurassic World lab, Vaguely Sinister Asian Man has spliced a bunch of genes together to create a newer badder more crowd-drawing dinosaur that’s called something like a Dominatrix Rex? But the heavy-handed allusions to the dangers of messing with nature get beat so far into the damn ground that I feel like we should call it the GMO-Saur Rex or the MonsantoSaurus. Fucking hell, we get it, weapons and genetic splicing are bad. What is this, Jurassic Hippie World?
Speaking of heavy-handed things that are beat into the ground, I get the vague suspicion that this movie might be sponsored in part by the Mercedes Benz family of dealers. Aside from the glaringly obvious close-ups of every car being driven around the park, I believe I also spotted a Benz logo on one of the Jeeps and a few of the ATVs. It’s so blatant that I wonder if it’s some smart-ass director’s idea of satire while still getting paid.
So guess what? The randomly spliced together to be super scary dinosaur totally escapes! I know!!! Who could have seen that coming??? Rather than evacuate the island Bryce Dallas Howard decides it’s more important to think of profits and sends in a team to subdue the MonsantoSaurus. They fail and get eaten. Oh and the child protagonists narrowly escape getting eaten and wind up jumping off a cliff, commandeering a Jeep from the original movie, and making their way back to the visitors’ center to try and find their aunt.
Meanwhile, Jon Favreau wants to use the trained velociraptors to bring down the Big Bad. Chris Pratt is like, “You’re not using my dinosaurs as weapons!” but Jon Favreau is like, “Yeah I am. You should help so they’re less likely to get eaten or shot.” and Chris Pratt can’t argue with that, so he mobilizes his veloci-army. Oh, and at some point around this time the Child Protagonists meet back up with their aunt and decide Chris Pratt is the coolest dude in the universe.
Jon Favreau has some exposition with Vaguely Sinister Asian Dude where we discover that the Big Bad was created with cuttlefish DNA so it could blend in with its surroundings, and tree frog DNA so it could hide from thermal sensors. And it’s also been raised in captivity and it’s a total fucking asshole. To prove this, after escaping it slaughters an entire slew of brontosauruses….? Brontosauri? The fuck is the plural of that shit? Well, whatever it is, MonsantoSaurus kills them, but doesn’t eat them. He kills for fun. Because that’s what the evil army WANTED him to do.