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  • Chris Velazquez

    I’m with Jimbobjones. I actually hated this movie, and it’s in my opinion the worst JP yet. It was too inherently stupid, full of unlikable characters and it just wasn’t even fun for me. I swear, I felt like I was watching a SyFy Channel Original Movie, just with a high budget. In fact, I’ll apologize in advance for the long post, but this is how I saw the movie personally:

    Zach & Grey- Hi, we’re the kids for this movie and will try hard to be the worst ones yet.

    Claire- Hi, I’m Bryce Dallas Howard, the world’s worst aunt, my job is my life and nothing else matters, so I’ll spend the whole movie giving the kids to others to take care of. Oh, and I also fill the “hot scientist” role that is in every movie ever that has science in it.

    Zara- Hi, I’m the cute assistant to Bryce Dallas Howard, and I’m to get married soon. I just wish I could do my actual job rather than be forced to be the babysitter for these obnoxious little twits who keep sneaking off because my boss can’t be bothered to take responsibility for her own nephews that were put under her care

    Dr. Wu- Hi, I’m BD Wong from Law & Order: SVU. You may almost remember me as the kindly scientist who appeared for two minutes in the original movie. Now I’m evil. Because.

    Lowery & Vivian- Hi, we’re completely irrelevant to the movie.

    Masrani- Hi, I’m the park’s new owner and that’s about it.

    Barry- Hi, I’m the token black guy that’s not too token.

    Owen- Well, I am Chris Pratt, making my entrance late to be cool.

    Audience- Who are you again?

    Owen- … the unfunny fat guy from Parks & Recreation who lost weight and got buff to be the unfunny buff guy in Guardians of the Galaxy.

    Audience- … who?

    Owen- … I voiced the main character in The Lego Movie.

    Audience- Oh, that guy.

    Grey- What a cool park.

    Zach- I don’t care, I’m gawking at all the pretty girls even though I have a girlfriend, further marking myself as the absolute worst kid in this franchise because I’m a gross letch on top of being annoying.

    Claire- We need more money, let’s create a genetically superior dinosaur. I hope it won’t escape… oh, it escaped.

    Owen- Well, the raptors are my buddies.

    Hoskins- Well, I’m Vincent D’Onofrio, I’m the obvious bad guy and I want to utilize the raptors as weapons.

    Owen- Gasp. You’re so bad.

    Claire- We need your help, Chris Pratt.

    Owen- Only if we force a love story that makes no sense at all.

    Claire- Okay.

    Zach- Let’s go all by ourselves in this ball thingy to check out this park full of dangerous wild dinosaurs. Trust me, I’m a teenager and I know best. Plus putting us in mortal danger further cements me as the worst kid in this franchise.

    Zara- My boss is still refusing to take responsibility of her nephews and sends me out to look for them, putting me in the way of mortal danger. And the franchise has not had a woman die yet, so that on top of me getting married soon means I will not only die, but also have the nastiest death in the franchise and one of the clearest ever examples of overkill in any movie.

    Zach & Grey- Oh no, our irresponsibility just got our aunt’s assistant killed in the nastiest possible way. But we’re kids so we don’t really are. And now we have gone beyond the scope of worst kids in a franchise and stand as some of the worst kid characters in film history.

    Owen- There is chaos all over, flying dinosaurs swooping down to carry people to their deaths, and there are dead bodies all around us. Let’s be inappropriate and make out.

    Claire- Sure.

    Hoskins- We’ll use the raptors to hunt down the bad dinosaur.

    Raptors- Hi, we’re supposed to kill you.

    Indominus- Well, I’m part raptor. So go kill the humans instead, okay?

    Raptors- Okay, got it.

    Hoskins- Oh. Oh no, I’m being eaten by the raptors. Oh, the irony.

    Claire- I’ll let the T-Rex loose so it can fight the dinosaur created by human greed. Also, the T-Rex is huge and can run fast, but I can outrun it by wearing heels.

    T-Rex- I must win, I’m the audience favorite.

    Raptor- Well, I’m also an audience favorite, so let me help you even though it makes no sense for us to use teamwork.

    Indominus- I’m not so easily defeated… oh, the swimming dinosaur got me.

    Claire-The danger is over, now we can live happily ever after. Oh, where’s my assistant?

    Zach- Who?


  • classy_drunk

    LOL! Yet another reason why he held onto it while under attack.

  • JimbobJones

    Well, you know that damn margarita was like $20

  • classy_drunk

    I will take all said bucks in hopes that they guy who tried to save his margarita during the raptor attack will be there.

  • I am laughing so hard I have tears rolling down my face. I also stubbed my toe while cracking up. Then I woke up three babies who were taking a nap and now they’re going to make my life miserable. But it was all worth it for this recap!

  • JimbobJones

    You get paid off in DinoBucks, which can only be used in the park, and nobody actually accepts,

  • classy_drunk

    I loved this movie! It was much better than I expected it to be. YAY T Rex!

    Who pays for all the damages since the investor is dead?

    Am I weird because even after all that I would still visit a dinosaur park, I mean that was just a freak accident and you probably got tickets for a free visit for your troubles, right?

  • Safari

    The original is one of my all time favorite movies so, I’ve been looking forward to this for along time – I’ve been watching that 2 minute trailer over and over since last December. 😉 Anyway, it was just what it was supposed to be… fun, summer movie magic. Aside from the theater’s AC not working and sweating my 3D glasses off my face, my son and I loved it. I hemmed and hawed a little about the heat and pretty much everyone got free movie passes for next time so, yay!

    Also, I know you know the difference but, every time I read Jon Favreau I had to giggle. heehee.

  • blazergirl

    Great recap! I loved the movie too. I went in expecting nothing and got super fun nothing. I mean, it was no Mad Max, but yay dinosaurs!

  • Pegalicious

    Thanks for the great review; “Jon Favreau doesn’t care because he loves the smell of T-Rex in the morning” made me laugh aloud.

    My 12-year-old grandson and I are looking forward to seeing this; the 13-3/4-year old announced that it looked too ridiculous for him to bother with it. (I told him he needed to engage his willing suspension of disbelief or he’ll never enjoy a fiction movie again.)

  • Debra Roland

    The type A woman running full out in those stilettos. I want to see her actually do that. 🙂 Love the recap! I look forward to your San Andreas. That one,,,bites? 🙂

  • JimbobJones

    This movie basically tried to be EXACTLY like the first one without being, you know, good.

    Honestly, I enjoy the original way too much to shut my brain off enough for this one.

  • Themiki

    Not on the amount of Ambien I took before writing this, no. But probably under normal circumstances I could pick the both of them out of a line-up…

  • Heather

    You can’t tell the difference between Jon Favreau and Vincent D’Onofrio?