Hello my peoples!!! Did everyone push floor 4 to get here? Good. That’s what MisRed thought. This recap is taking place on floor 3… so, you are all going to jail!
Previously, Tom had a New Year’s Eve party on the yacht where Lu held their engagement party. Sonja slapped a fresh coat of paint on her broke down palace and scored a licensing deal to make ugly-ass shoes with French Sole. Tinsley tried on wedding dresses and cried over her frozen eggs. Carole tried to eat 3 of them for breakfast. And Lu got sprung from rehab.
We are all caught up.
Two Days, post rehab, Luann “Domestic Goddess” opens the show by spooning yogurt or some other kind of white jizz onto a plate.
She’s an irregular Martha Steward!
Had we been at Sonja’s MisRed would have been REALLY worried about any white jizz laying around. Her place must light up like a Las Vegas under a black light. Two sentences in, and MisRed is already OFF ON A TANGENT. Sorry, correcting course, Dorinda arrives at Lu’s.
I just had to deadlift 310lbs.
Dorinda is wearing weight lifting gloves. Hmm. John needed help getting out of the bathtub, perhaps?
Bahahaha. Suspicious white jizz turns out to be a candle.
Cancel Lu’s “Domestic Goddess” sash!
She was not spooning anything out of a container onto a plate, she was just lighting a candle. See? MisRed gives these bitches too much credit! Yogurt? What was MisRed thinking?!?!?
Lu says it was hard to leave rehab because it made her feel safe- like she was in a cocoon. Then she DESCRIBES rehab. Massages, acupuncture, yoga. MisRed is booking her ticket to West Palm STAT. Sign me up for that rehab. But MisRed will need a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and a charcuterie platter in her room every afternoon, around 4 o’clock. Can someone be a doll and book that for me?
Dorinda, thinking rehab sounded pretty cushy, says “Maybe I should go cause a havoc tonight.”
Lu does still have a bunch of Rose in her fridge. Hmmm. You would think she would have had Rocio remove them before she returned from rehab. Plus, if you look closely, at least one of the bottles is OPEN and if Lu has been in rehab for a month, that wine is bad by now… dump it out.
Lu needs some Barista Training
As Lu makes Dorinda coffee- which doesn’t seem to be a task Lu has mastered, Dorinda notes that Lu has the “non-farting” milk. You KNOW Bravo tried to get clearance from Lactaid, but Lactaid was like… Uh, get our name out there for free vs be associated with Lumann and Dorinda? Hmmmm. We will remain unknown, thank you very much.
Lu thinks sober living in NYC will be difficult because everyone is always asking everyone to go for a drink. Plus, you know, The Regency…
Dorinda tells Lu about their upcoming trip to The Mayflower Spa, which sounds lovely to MisRed. Dorinda says she wanted to do something nice for Lu’s return- “She can slowly re-enter us and society.”
Two things- 1) Lu was in jail for, like, less than 12 hours.
Not exactly this far out of society.
2) Who knew Lu was “entering” Dorinda and the other “ladies.” I mean, I could always picture Lu being “gay for the stay” while in the klink, but not necessarily on the outside.
Do you think “I’m coming out” is in Lu’s cabaret act?
I’m comin’ out!
I want to world to know, Sonja is about to give a show!
Lu and Dorinda plot to leave for Connecticut earlier than everyone else. Dorinda wants to be sure that Lu gets the nicest room. Lu says, “Oh I had the worst room in jail, I can tell you that.” What? Were they all out of suites? She continues in her interview “I was in a 6-by-6 cell, so this sounds like paradise.” Hmm. MisRed has never encountered a perfectly SQUARE jail cell.
Dorinda asks if Lu is excited to see the girls again- and Lu says yes, but says that she heard through the grapevine, Ramona was calling Tom to score and invite to his NYE party. Dorinda confirms that she knew Ramones did that, and Lu just doesn’t know what WRONG with Ramona is. Ok, how much time do you have, Lu? MisRed happens to have a list. Lu can’t believe Ramona would do this and then call herself “a friend.” Dorinda asks, what kind of asshole women would do something like that.
Dorinda Medley: National Treasure
Then Dorinda says, what may be my favorite line EVER: “That’s what you call a real slob kebab.”
MISRED = DYING. D Y I N G. And this coming from someone who bones John. Let’s dissect that phrase for a sec- SLOB KEBAB. So not only is Ramona a slob- but she is multiple slobs, cubed and impaled and grilled and probably served with rice. Classic.
We get the “limo montage” of the gals leaving the city for The Mayflower. Sonja rides with Bethenny, who has to show Sonja her stupid hat the second Sonja climbs in the car.
Look at my hat. It’s all about me. Look at it.
Tinsley, Carole and Ramones ride together- Tinsley has her pillow and a silver-framed photo of her eggs in tow.
One missing. Carole at it by mistake.
Carole- who apparently thinks she’s a mobile DJ with her beats “cans” constantly around her neck, says she is looking forward to seeing Luann so she can get the REAL story.
I have a gig later, got some Mash-ups and some sweet Bootlegs to spin.
Ugh, gloating Carole is very unattractive. Carole better hope SHE never gets arrested…
Tinsley can’t believe Carole is going to ask Luann for the real story. Carole says she isn’t going to walk around on egg shells. Ramones says that she can’t imagine having “to appear before the judge with handcuffs on, okaaaaaaaaaay.” Carole says that the real crime is Luann’s dress.
Gap circa 1991
Dorinda and Lu drive to the Mayflower. Dorinda is wearing a dead cat on her head.
Toonces never had a chance…
Better put that away before Sonja, the Vegan, tries to eat it. Dorinda asks Lu for the real scoop on her arrest. Lu says she originally went to Palm Beach to stay with her friend, Julie. But Julie had a cat and it was meowing all night so Lu thought “You know what? It’s my vacation. I’m going to a hotel.”
Getting arrested was so much fun.
What, exactly, is Luann vacationing FROM? Does Lu have some high stress job we don’t know about? You know, besides her job on the Diana Ross impersonator circuit or a sheath for John Depp Pirate Impersonator penises?
Lu checked into The Colony Hotel and called Door Dash for a Street Meat delivery. The meat du jour is a polo player Lu dated previous to Tommy D’ag casting his spell on her vagine.
Said Polo Player is Lu’s age- so he’s 75. Lu says it was misreported that he was a 20-something-year-old. Lu met this polo player and she had a few drinks and was feeling “rambunctious” and they decided to go “put her bags in the room.” Oh, is that what we are calling it these days? Net/Net Lu got off at the wrong floor, she dropped her purse, the polo player picked it up and Luann walked into a random room that happened to have been open because Kate Chastain was turning down the bed. Well nobody could talk sense into Luann that the room she was in wasn’t her room and security and the police were called and Lu was arrested.
Dorinda asks if the Police were polite? Lol. Lu’s answer? “I didn’t sleep the whole night because it was freezing cold. I had a sundress on- I got it at the Gap in 1991, and I had no shoes.” Dorinda asks if she, at least, got a blanket?
DORINDA?!!?! Have you never watched 60 Days in? You have so give the pod boss 3 Honey Buns and 8 packs of Ramen to get a blanket!!!
You know what else? Lu pressed the button for room service and they never came. There was NO minibar, not even any complimentary bottled water. She did, however, get a Bologna sandwich, and when we bit into it, the mustard packet was INSIDE THE SANDWICH.
And it wasn’t even Grey Poupon.
MisRed needs you to get a mental image of that, please.
MisRed loves how Lu is APPALED at the conditions. Uh, yeah, if they made it nice, everyone would be getting arrested.
Dorinda says that it’s MORE horrible for people who don’t have the financial resources to get out- and how they can easily get stuck in the system. Lu says, “I felt what it’s like to be stuck in that system.” BAHAHAHAHAHAH. Lu, you were in jail, IN PALM BEACH, for, like, less than 12 hours- you were HARDLY “stuck in the system.”
Dorinda and Lu arrive at the hotel and there is an ice bucket full of wine- which Lu manages to decline.
Bethenny says that this is the first trip – in a long time- that she is really excited about. She has thought about the spa aspect of the trip, but not about the “Luann” aspect of the trip. She says that something feels off and she wonders, aloud, why she is riding with Sonja and not with Carole.
Pssst, Bethenny, Carole hates you, that’s why.
Bethenny thinks that maybe they can’t get back on track, but that anything Carole is upset about is because of something someone else told her- that someone being Dorinda. Sonja says “It seems weird. It seems like Dorinda wants some attention.”
Yep. Dorinda is the REAL attention seeker…
Uh… all you bitches want attention… that’s why you are ON THIS SHOW. And that’s RICH coming from you, Sonja- your dress “accidentally falling off” at Lu’s cabaret show is not attention-seeking at all.
Bethenny and Sonja roll up to the spa and Droinda greats them in her Cat Hat and Sonja says, “You look like Anna Karina.” Ugh.
Sonja’s vast literary knowledge
Bethenny has brought “Detox Gift Bags” for everyone. Skinnygirl face masks, Skinnygirl bladder-leaking disposable underpants, Skinnygirl colon cleanse, Skinnygirl enemas… the whole nine.
Bethenny says that when she originally met Lu she was impressed with her title, but she soon realized “the emperor has no clothes.” So essentially, Bethenny is saying that Lu is an, uncultured slut who doesn’t deserve a title. Lol. We get treated to Lu spewing wisdom, including “What really irks me is someone who chews with their mouth open.” Cut to Lu’s dirty daughter- Ictoria- chewing with her mouth open like a cow.
Money can’t buy you class…
Bethenny thinks the last person to realize that Lu is not fit to be a Countess is LuAnn.
Sonja claims to have not drank since October, when she went to Costa Rica. MisRed is sure this is NOT true, but she can’t be bothered to look for the evidence- and frankly, who cares, Sonja’s life is one big lie.
Bethenny wants to choose her room but Dorinda says that she needs to wait until the other girls are there. Bethenny is like- no, I’m not sitting here until they arrive. She interviews that Dorinda wants to be the boss of her but she’s not having it.
Way to be sensitive to Lu, Bethenny!
Ironic, coming from the girl who does nothing but boss people around.
The whole beef is that someone has to share a room. Bethenny is fine with sharing. So, Dorinda gives in. Dorinda feels awkward around Bethenny, she really never knows what she is going to get.
I’ll stare at you freakishly as I stuff vegan items into my mouth…
Downstairs, Sonja is, creepily, staring at Luann and says “I’m just staring into your soul.” Oh, please Sonja. Luann doesn’t have a soul. It comes out that Sonja was invited to Tom’s party- she didn’t go but she was invited. Lu can’t believe Tom would invite Sonja to the party.
What’s they mystery? They used to f*ck. Tom is a pig, constantly trolling for poon and if there is any poon you can count on to be a sure thing- it’s Sonja.
Sonja’s poon gives off radar…
A Bat signal…
and there’s a special offer on Groupon.
Then it comes out that Ramona was trying to score an invite to Tom’s party. Lu just can’t believe it. Why? Ramona is like a cockroach. She will squeeze through a crack in the concrete if it means a free glass of pinot grigio.
Meanwhile she’s texting Lu with supportive messages. Dorinda suggests that they wait and find out if it’s true first. Since when has the truth gotten in the way of anything on this show?
Carole, Tinsley and Ramona roll up- it’s already dark outside. Connecticut is NOT that far from NYC.
Soooo good to see you!!! I’ve been mocking you non-stop since Christmas!!!
Ramona says that Lu should get the best room, and is fawning all over Luann.
Poor jailbird Luann
Bethenny’s face though…
Of course Lu is like “what did you do for the holidays?” Lu is trying to get Ramona to admit to trying to get invited to Tom’s party, but she’s not biting.
Carole asks Lu how she slipped out of the handcuffs. She says that she was just, so, in disbelief about being arrested. She recounts the whole story. Bethenny is like- yeah, yeah, you stayed at a 5-star hotel, went to jail, got charged two nights for a room you never slept in and didn’t get laid. Lu is like- Yeah, pretty much.
The ladies plan to meet at 7:15 for dinner. And Sonja starts stealing all of the fruit from the fruit basket, you know, because she’s vegan.
Tinsley and Carole talk about Lu and Tinsley doesn’t understand how Luann’s 4 felonies could get dropped to misdemeanors. Carole thinks she seems humbled.
I’m the real victim in this situation!!
We find the real reason why Tinsley is irritated, it’s because Lu’s arrest has made Tinsley’s mug shot come up in google search again.
Dorinda and Lu discuss how it’s Lu’s first real night out since she was arrested and Dorinda says “Do you remember how to order?”
Lu was booked at 1:52am and was out and tweeting at 3:50pm… surely Lu wouldn’t have forgotten how to order in this time???
Ramona comes in and starts spewing her “my girlfriends are so important to her” blah blah blah and Lu is like- uh huh. She is onto Ramones and isn’t buying Ramones’s BS.
Carole and Lu got their monkey fur on a BOGO.
The ladies arrive – many wearing their finest monkey fur- at a local restaurant. They sit down, and Ramona immediately orders the waiter to take photos of them.
Lu almost orders a Diet Coke with Vodka but catches herself, and is like “Hold the vodka…”
Then it comes out that Ramona has a sex playlist on her iPod. Ew. What’s on Ramona’s sex playlist?
Lu and Bethenny discuss how Tom invited Sonja to his NYE party. And then Lu says that Ramona tried to get invited to Tom’s- and Ramona says that it was her friend that wanted to go to Tom’s party- so Ramona texted him to try to get the invite.
SHE wanted a piece of the infamous Tommy D’ag…I just wanted to play backgammon
Ramona doesn’t understand why Lu is so upset- after all, she was DATING Tom, when Lu met him, and Lu never said anything.
And I could have been the ex-Mrs. D’agostino if Luman hadn’t gotten in the way!!
Lu interviews that Ramona is a FOMO. Uh… Ramona HAS FOMO- but FOMO is not a noun, Lu.
Ramo has the FOMO
Everyone gangs up on Ramona and Ramona is like- I wasn’t even invited to the wedding so who cares. Everyone is like- what does one thing have to do with the other? Lu says that Ramona makes Benedict Arnold look like Betsy Ross.
The girls are pissed that Ramona is not on Lu’s side. Ramona is like- Yeah, you are right, it was a bad call. Then Bethenny is trying to prompt Ramona to apologize. LOL.
More tense than the Mid East Peace Talks
Yes, Bethenny, the Henry Kissinger of the RHONY.
The ladies return to the cottage. Ramona, Dorinda and Carole discuss Ramona’s stint on the hot seat. Ramona says that she would never text John or Adam, but she felt ok texting Tom because Lu was only with him for such a short period. Haha. The Logic of Ramona Singer…like nailing jello to a tree.
These girls sure can party
Sonja and Bethenny put on their detoxing face mask. Bethenny has given them tongue scrapers in their gift bags. Truth be told, MisRed loves a good tongue scraper- it’s very satisfying. Gross, but they work.
The next morning, Lu is pensively looking out the window… Dorinda brings her some coffee. Lu says that she feels sorry for Ramona because she’s so pathetic. Does Ramona think Lu is so dumb that she wouldn’t find out that she texted Tom???
The girls all get together and drink coffee and read the paper, etc. Ramona compliments Sonja on her outfit and her shoes- which are the French Sole collection.
The slippers have a stag on them and Dorinda asks about her “family crest,” which turns out is her ex-husband’s family crest. Dorinda says she would feel foolish wearing the crest of her ex-husband on her shoe and on a ring. It is odd. “Sonja isn’t a Morgan; Sonja’s daughter IS a Morgan. You don’t get a bloodline by injection. My god, if you did, Sonja would have every title in the book… and then some.”
Then Bethenny attacks Dorinda saying that Dorinda still uses the name “Medley” and she’s no longer married to Richard. Dorinda says she doesn’t walk around wearing the Medley Family Crest. Bethenny is like- But you have his monogram on your luggage. Dorinda says she keeps the name “Medley” out of respect for her LATE HUSBAND. Bethenny doesn’t understand the difference.
Sonja has no problem wearing the Morgan crest. She says she is “a very important part of the family and the history.” Of course she keeps Morgan – it’s her meal ticket, it’s the coat tails on which she rides. She says, “I’m not letting this family down” but what she means is “I’m not letting this family get away.”
Upstairs, Bethenny and Sonja talk about what went on with Dorinda and Bethenny says that Dorinda really loves badgering Sonja and that Sonja isn’t even a worthy adversary. And… Dorinda is a bully. Oh, kind of like when Bethenny dressed Sonja down a few seasons ago.
MisRed sees both sides, kind of. On one hand, Sonja was married to the guy, she can keep his last name if she wants. Frankly, if I was married to some rich hot shot and then divorced him- I’d keep the last name. Granted, MisRed wouldn’t drag it through the mud and make the name synonymous with drunkenness, fake veganism and flagrant sluttery, but that’s not the point. Sonja does USE that last name and milks if for all its worth, which is a little gross, in my opinion. By the same token, there is no reason why Dorinda shouldn’t keep the name “Medley.” It’s not like she brought shame to the name until she was on this show. Eh, Dorinda has a hair across her ass when Sonja is concerned these days.
Thirty minutes later Lu’s publicist calls her and says that everyone is calling her because they know Lu is out of rehab, BECAUSE, Ramona has been posting pics on social media of she and Luann together. The picture is from the dinner the previous evening at the restaurant.
Lu is pissed and rightfully so- she was told, by the judge, to keep a low profile. And the pic had cocktails in it- although Lu wasn’t drinking- it still doesn’t look good.
Carole chastises Ramona for posting the photo- but Ramona is like “But we all look good in this photo…” She completely misses the point as always. Carole tells her not to post anymore pictures. Ramona keeps going- “It was a happy moment. I’ve never seen all of us look so happy in a photo. So, whatever.”
This photo could put Luann in jail. You know that right?
In her interview Ramona is like- these women always go to the negative- “I texted Tom, I posted a photo, both weren’t meant to be intentionally bad against Luann, but I’m getting screwed somehow.”
Somehow? SOMEHOW??!?! OH Ramones!!! My husband uses this argument sometimes- “I didn’t do it on purpose!!” Well, maybe not, but it’s still done. Maybe you didn’t break the dish on purpose, but it’s still broken and you should still apologize and try to make it right.
How would Ramona feel if the Judge threw the book at Luann and told her she didn’t take her arrest seriously and it appears she hasn’t changed and is out partying and sentences her to jail? Oh right, MisRed forgot- Ramona can’t feel things.
She’d be like- I’m sooorrrrrrrry. I didn’t mean for Luannnnnnnnnn to get sent to maximum security prison for the rest of her life. Did I mean to have her put on lockdown 23 hours a day? No, I did not. I didn’t mean for Luann to have to eat bologna sandwiches every day for the next 25 years, every single time getting the mustard packet flopping out of her mouth like a dead fish, okayyy? I’ll make her a cake with a file in it, okaaaaay? Well I won’t make it, I will BUY it because I’m too busy being a maven and an entrepreneur and supporting other women to sit around and bake cakes for incarcerated criminals. I’m sorrrrry, it’s déclassé. I’m sorrrry, okaaaaaay?
Bethenny, talking to Luann, says, what Ramona did is UNACCEPTABLE. MisRed hates agreeing with Bethenny, but MisRed agrees.
Next week, Luann confronts Ramona about posting the picture. Ramona tells her “You didn’t tell me not to post, I didn’t get the f*cking memo!”
TAKE A XANAX… CALM DOWN
Well hell Ramones, have a smidge of common sense, will you, please? Bethenny tells Dorinda that she doesn’t feel totally safe with Dorinda. Bahahahahaha. Tinsley confesses to trying on wedding dresses – and Bethenny says that it’s akin to trying out coffins.
Yeah… or a nail in the coffin, at minimum.
And Dorinda get into a screaming match- hard to tell if it’s serious, but Andy wants us to believe it is.
Ramona really stepped in it this time. It would be one thing if Ramones was like “OMG! I’m so sorry, I didn’t even THINK about the ramifications of posting this as it relates to Luman and her legal woes…” But good olde Ramona can really be counted on to be completely oblivious, even when the obvious is pointed out to her. Do you think Dorinda is too hard on Sonja? MisRed is a little torn- Sonja is SO ridiculous and clueless about how disgusting she is, I can understand why someone would feel the need to point it out to her and be like- LOOK AT YOUR BEHAVIOR!!! But because Sonja is so clueless, it doesn’t register with her and it comes across as bullying. But WTF Bethenny? You bully EVERYBODY. Takes one to recognize one, I suppose. As always, MisRed loves to hear your comments. Until Next week…Adios!!
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