Seriously, does anyone even get that title? Wasted effort, right? Sorry…
It’s getting late in the day. The deadline for Heller’s surrender looms near, the London sun is setting, and Jack Bauer is getting hoarser by the moment.
At Winterfell, Emobro is urging everyone to hurry the shit up and get packed, because he fucked up and didn’t kill his sister. Lady Cat comes out and tells him that she just spoke with Mr P, and that he’s agreed to surrender if she will destroy the drones. Emobro is all like “But Mo-ooom, you promised I could play with them some more. YOU PROMISED. I WANT THEM!! I WANT THEM!!”
Walker calls Jack to update him on the status of Sansa, and the whole part about how the doctor told her that if they wake her up, she’ll die shortly thereafter. Jack tells her to push the doc, because who cares if another spoiled rich terrorist girl dies. The secret service agent standing outside Mr P’s office gives him a disapproving look.
Navarro calls his shitty hitman to check in on the status of Orlando Bloom. The hitman isn’t sure whether OB is dead, but he knows he’s at least wounded. Navarro tells him to get his shit together, because whatever is bad for Navarro is worse for the hitman.
Shitty Hitman looks around and spots blood on the ground. Stupid OB is bleeding everywhere.
Speaking of OB, he pulls out his phone, but it’s broken…probably because he fell in a fucking river. Things are looking bad.
Jack goes to talk to Mr P. Jack says he’s sorry, but things are looking grim. Mr P tells him to stuff his sorries in a sack, because no one else has even come close. He proceeds to show Jack the call between him and Lady Cat. Mr P has offered himself up for sacrifice in exchange for her swearing on her dead husband that she’ll destroy the drones. She tells him to be at Wembley Stadium, in the center of the pitch, at 7 PM.
“Pitch” is what the sport of football (or soccer, rather, for us in the States) refers to the field as.
Jack reminds Mr P that the US of A does not negotiate with terrorists. Mr P shows him the letter of resignation he’s drafted, and explains to him that now this is no longer a matter of national concern. Jack is not happy with Mr P’s choice, and refuses to help him, but Mr P pulls out his trump card and tells Jack all about his Alzheimer’s. Mr P tells Jack that if their roles were reversed, Jack would do the same thing. Jack agrees to help, and tells Mr P that he’ll need to have one more person, on the inside, that he can trust to help get past the Secret Service and British security. Mr P tells him to wait a minute, because he’s got the perfect man for the job.
CoS, too, takes some convincing, but ultimately comes around. I wonder if the light bulb has gone off yet that if Mr P is dead, no one could dispute the signature on the Jack Bauer transfer order.
Jack calls Walker and is rather displeased to hear that Sansa is still napping. He tells her that shit’s changed, and that Mr P is planning to sacrifice himself. That gets her attention. She walks in and tells the doc to wake Sansa up. He tells her that she’ll probably die. PROBABLY? Shit, there’s only a CHANCE?!? The doc tells her to leave the room.
He tells her that if Sansa dies, it’s on her. Oh no, the death of a terrorist is on my conscience. Sansa wakes up, and Walker tries to convince her to give up her mother’s whereabouts. After a little chat, she gives Walker an address, but tells her that her mom will have left by now. However, she remembers the disc in the floorboards, and tells Walker about that and that it may help them get into Lady Cat’s system. Conveniently, right after she’s told everything she can, she has an incident and the doc has to step back in.
Mr P brings CoS in to talk through the plan with Jack.
Chief of Staves tells Jack they need to find a way to trust each other. Jack says Mr P said to, and that’s all he needs. He tells Chief of Staves that he needs Secret Service details, British security details, and that he needs the hallway cleared. CoS says he’ll call a staff meeting, because he is the Chief of them, after all, and Jack tells him he’ll also need a chopper and gate codes for Wembley stadium. CoS tells him to consider it done, and pauses on his way out to tell Jack that Audrey will never forgive them for this.
Walker calls Jack to give him the update regarding the disc. He tells her if it’s anything digital, upload it to Chloe. If anything…on the disc…is digital…
Mr P stops by to visit Audrey. He asks if she still carries the picture of her, him, and her mom at the beach. She says it’s her good luck charm, and that when she was little, she felt like as long as she had it with her, nothing bad could ever happen…
She asks if he’s ok, and then tells him she’s gotta get back to work. He puts the picture on her desk and walks out.
Chief of Staves hands Jack the Secret Service detail and wishes him luck.
Navarro answers the phone, and it’s the CIA operator…or something…he tells Navarro that OB is on the line. Navarro sounds shocked, but takes the call.
Seriously, dude, that “someone” is probably still nearby. Shouting into a phone is probably not enhancing your odds of survival. He tells Navarro to send someone to extract him, and tells Navarro exactly where he is. Navarro tells him not to move.
What do you think happens next? Navarro, predictably, calls his shitty hitman. Seriously, did he find this guy on MySpace or something? This guy had a clean shot and botched it, managed to let a very surprised gunshot victim elude him by swimming underwater (he just got shot and fell in, do you think he took a full breath?), was given a perfectly good trail of blood, and now his victim is YELLING into a phone in the alley, and he STILL needs Navarro to call and tell him where OB is hiding.
Jack tells Mr P about the potential to be able to hack into Lady Cat’s system. Mr P says he’s not counting on a hail mary…
I think what he means is “I’m not counting on a stoppage-time equaliser.”
Jack cuts the transponder chip out of Mr P’s arm. Mr P tells him it’s a good thing he didn’t become a surgeon. ZING.
CoS confirms that the halls are clear, and Jack pulls out his phone, which apparently shows him where all the secret service is? But then he goes into another room, and suddenly loses signal?
What kinda budget service is that? Jack’s gotta do this old school. He and Mr P are at the door, when an SS agent comes in out of nowhere. Mr P distracts him by knowing his name, and Jack does what Jack does best. Poor bastard goes from the high of “THE PRESIDENT KNOWS MY NAME” to being sucker punched by Jack Bauer and locked in the bathroom in .5 seconds. They exit the building, and merge onto the busy sidewalks of London.
Jack and Mr P arrive at the chopper. CoS’s assman asks if it’s safe to assume that Jack knows how to fly a chopper…
Seriously, I’m pretty sure Jack Bauer knows how to paint fingernails, braid hair, and perform a perfect Brazilian wax…just because his motto is “Be prepared.” Fuck you, Boy Scouts of America. Don’t try to claim Jack’s motto as your own.
Mr P steps in and tells the assman to keep this between them. Jack fires up the chopper.
The Shitty Hitman, following Navarro’s instructions, arrives at OB’s hiding spot. OB comes out of nowhere and hits him in the face with a giant ass wrench. What a tool! HAHA…ha…?
He tries to act all badass, pointing the gun at the shitty hitman, and he asks why Navarro wants him dead. The hitman tries literally the oldest “I’ve got a gun pointed at me” trick in the book and asks him if the safety is on.
Unfortunately, OB tries his best to not look at the safety, but after thinking about if for a full few seconds, he checks it, and the shitty hitman lunges at him with a knife. They hit the deck, and SH’s phone falls to the floor, ringing. They wrestle with each other, and the SH stabs OB, at which point OB pulls the other gun he stole from SH out of his nuts and shoots the guy twice. Wait…wait…WAIT. THAT gun was in SH’s boot, and OB stuffed it in the front of his pants…and there was definitely no disabling of the safety here…
Back at CIA, the tac team Walker sent to Winterfell has just arrived. They head upstairs and start ripping up the floorboards. They find the drive that Navi hid, and upload it to CIA. When the upload is complete, Walker asks the guy who caught OB looking at porn where OB is. He tells her he just left, so she asks him to take the uploaded data and send it to Chloeeyore. He questions the order, and she tells him to fuck right off. She tries calling OB a couple times, and it goes straight to voicemail. Walker asks Navarro where OB is. Navarro says he has no idea, and didn’t even know he wasn’t at his desk. In the middle of the room. Right in front of Navarro’s glass office.
Winterfell 2.0 is set up, and Emobro tells Lady Cat that drones are all ready to go. She tells him to position a drone for the attack, and to prep the rest for destruction once Mr P is dead.
He clearly doesn’t seem on board with destroying the drones, but Lady Cat tells him that if Mr P shows up, they have to destroy the drones, or they will be branded as hypocrites and discredited entirely. Obviously this plot will continue to thicken.
Jack and Mr P arrive at Wembley Stadium.
Also…and I really don’t mean to nitpick too much here…but why the fuck are the lights on in Wembley stadium? Who is paying for that?!?
Jack lands the chopper outside, and they head in the gate. Jack gets a call from Chloe regarding the data that was sent from Walker. She tells him it may provide a way into the system, but there are firewalls inside of firewalls. Lady Cat’s all like:
A couple drunk dudes try to hit on her, and she yells at them and then tells Jack that she’s doing everything she can. Jack understands. He and Mr P head into Wembley.
Frosty calls Navarro to confirm that OB is out of the picture. Navarro says it’s taken care of. Frosty then calls Chloeeyore. This is the second romantic gesture she’s received in about 45 seconds, and it’s too much for her. She says she’s helping Jack, and wishes Frosty could understand that just because she’s helping Jack doesn’t mean that she doesn’t think what they were doing wasn’t important.
Chief of Staves goes to visit Audrey in her office, except she’s not there. He learns she’s in Mr P’s office. Secret Service really botched that one.
He tells Audrey he was involved in Mr P’s plan to save the world. She’s rather displeased. Obviously. She tells him that he may as well have killed her dad with his bare hands. I mean, I don’t like the guy, but that’s a little over the top. He tells her that Mr P is the greatest man he ever knew, and he was honored to serve him, and if she can’t handle that then….so be it.
She asks how they’ll know when it’s over, and he says there will be a phone call. She deduces that someone is with him. She asks who, and CoS tells her it’s someone Mr P trusts, and leaves it at that. I kinda think Audrey figured it out, but it’s not made obvious.
Inside Wembley, Mr P tells Jack that he gave him a Presidential pardon, so he’s not on the hook for any of that killing Russians shit, and won’t be held liable for Mr P being blown up today.
Jack gets another call from Chloeeyore, who basically tells him that that she can’t get it done. Mr P walks out to the center of the pitch. Chloeeyore keeps trying.
At Winterfell 2.0, the drone is approaching Wembley. Emobro can’t believe that Mr P is there. They run facial recognition to confirm it’s actually him. It checks out. Lady Cat says she wants to do the deed herself. Emobrop holds the joystick steady, and puts her finger on the trigger.
Seriously what the absolute fuck.
So, what’s left to happen? Lady Cat has promised to destroy the drones. Who thinks Emobro betrays her, kills her, and takes the drones as his own personal playthings? What about Navarro? Is he in on this? Or Frosty? Someone else clearly has skin in this game. Could they have pulled the ultimate misdirection? Is it possible that CoS, being the obvious internal villain, is actually the mastermind? I don’t even know anymore!