Hey Trashies! So happy to see you here in the all new home of TV snark! (Insert upbeat 90s TV theme music here.) Our software seems to have some fun new features, but the page breaks are still inserted randomly, no matter how much I try to dictate where they should go. So for best enjoyment of this recap, you might want to just scroll down to the bottom and click “single page.” Ready? Let’s do this.
Last week, the guys continued to all be boring, arguably with the exception of that guy Brian, whose ex-but-maybe-current-girlfriend showed up, and Des kicked him out. Or maybe CreepyBrandon, who experienced a tragic case of Premature Exclamation (of love), and got dumped. So there are no more interesting guys left, and as hard as ABC tries to make Ben interesting, the least boring thing about him thus far was that icky tank top he wore at the pool party.
Chris Harrison reminds us that we’re down to thirteen guys. There will be three dates this week, and we’re already taking a trip around the world! First stop, Atlantic City. Or as I think of it, Las Vegas’s redheaded stepchild with bad hygiene. Of course the men are “super excited,” etc.
Des is walking the boardwalk, saying hi to the cops, and staring soulfully at the ocean as she tells us that she’s still hopeful to find love. The guys check in to their suite and find the first date card. It’s for… Brad! She wants to let their love shine through. But Des, that’s what CreepyBrandon already did, and you got rid of him for it!
Zak opines something along the lines of Des invited Brad because she’s reassuring him it’s okay to be away from his kid. Mikey thinks Brad is too serious, and isn’t fun enough for Des… cut to… Brad and Des flying in the human slingshot.
“I’m so boooooorrrred!” They ride rides, run around the boardwalk, eat taffy, and spontaneusly break into the chocolate factory! I’m sure that the New Jersey Health Department has zero issues with the customers sneaking in to the factory and feeding each other with their bare hands.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel suite, the guys are spying out the window, trying to find Brad and Des on the boardwalk. Zak, in particular, obsesses about it. He should really go to the gym or something and obsess about that, because his abs are his golden ticket on this show.
Des and Brad are fortunate enough to stumble upon a campfire and sand castle, complete with bench for them upon which to gently perch and watch the sunset. Don’t you just love when you have such good luck on a date? Des quizzes him about what he’s looking for in a woman, and he wants someone who is a “great person,” and would be a “good mom.” Desiree loves that answer, so I guess that she doesn’t care about specificity. But she wants to make sure she doesn’t just like him as a person, but she also has a connection with him. Over dinner, Brad isn’t good at making conversation. Des isn’t ready to give up on him just yet, though.
“So, uh… this weather, am I RIGHT?” At the hotel suite, Bryden reads out the next date card, which reads, “I’m looking for my Mr. Right.” It’s a group date, consisting of: Brooks, Bryden, Zack K, #Kasey, Drew, Venezuelan Juan Pablo, Zak W, Mikey, Ben, Michael, and Chris. That leaves James with the one-on-one date.