Howdy Trashies, and welcome to the BB18 cast takedown! The amazing and attractive Jewpacabra and I, Ari Safari, will be your able recappers this season — we’re very much looking forward to it! Team Big Brother is back and we are going to have an awesome summer of recaps and other entertaining things that are in the works. Be excited! We both are!
Let’s meet the cast, shall we?
Bronte D’Aquisto, 26
Hometown: San Diego, CA
Current city: Denver, CO
Ari Safari: Bronte is a capable, willing and determined student, who is a big fan of math, orphaned dogs, and hair accessories. She also likes to run, but if she doesn’t take her motion sickness pills first, she’ll just fall all over the place and vomit.
Bronte plans to look on the dark side of life, because that’s the key to success, if you like orphaned dogs.
Jewpacabra: Well it looks like we have this season’s quirky girl. Hopefully she will be more entertaining than Grandma Meg last year. Also, what is CBS’s new obsession with Jew-y girls? First Aubry on Survivor and now Bronte. Ugh that name makes me want to vomit. Anyways, Bronte sounds like a child prostitute when she talks. And her dream is to be a mathematician. Are you sure it isn’t to be a banker? I’m on to you. However, she is all sorts of bad at math in her interview. She says 9×9 is 89…. to which I proceeded to do the eyeroll of a century. When asked if she is a fan she says yeah of course, but I’ve only seen season 16 and half of 17. God those are some of the worst ones. At least watch all stars or the early seasons where some of the legendary players played. I’m so over her and her ProstiTot voice. My Jewdar also goes off when she says she is only driven by money, money, money, money. I want to route for a fellow member of the Tribe, but her voice is going to make it verrrrrryyyy difficult.
Paulie Calafiore, 27
Hometown: Howell, NJ
Current city: Howell, NJ
Ari Safari: Paulie is a driven, passionate and quick-witted DJ. We’ll just take a wild guess that he’s not actually a world-class poker champion in disguise.
He loves martial arts, playing the guitar, and being uncomfortable, and plans to take all his dental hygiene paraphernalia into the house, because ‘it’s impossible to socialize at all with rancid breath’.
Ooh — do I smell a showmance?
Jewpacabra: So Paulie here is the brother of Cody of Big Brother 16 and I could literally care less. So as we can imagine, he spends 100% of the time talking about his brother rather than actually talking about himself. He actually brings it up every other sentence despite Jeff trying to get him away from the topic. Yes, for once, Jeff actually didn’t annoy me in an interview. Paulie says he want to bring the strongest to the end as part of his game play. Dumb. Play to win sir. This interview is a waste overall
Zakiyah Everette, 24
Hometown: Charlotte, NC
Current city: Charlotte, NC
Ari Safari: Zakiyah is a charming, bouncy and ambitious preschool teacher. She likes to dance, model, cook and eat, and create shit, while being hilarious, innocent and sweet the whole time doing so.
She intends to work out and keep up her extensive beauty regimen — because Lord knows, preschool teachers can’t get far in life without looking and feeling their best.
Jewpacabra: True to every season of Big Brother, I present: this year’s angry black girl. Like so many before her, Da’Vonne, Chima, Jacosta etc. (minus Jody… sidenote: still feel bad for her), this is the train wreck we all see coming. And I cannot wait. Zuh-Key-Ah is from Charlotte (woot woot NC shoutout) and is a preschool teacher. Maybe that means she will actually behave. She is also a huge fan of the show, actually watching since season 3. Finally, we get a real fan, unlike that lame excuse Bronte gave us. So far, I like Zakiyah. She just seems so happy to be there. Zakiyah says she has a bit of a mouth and “likes to voice her opinion” aka “I can be a raging bitch”. I cannot wait for the inevitable meltdown where she pops off on someone. The anticipation is killing me.
Glenn Garcia, 50
Hometown: Bronx, NY
Current city: Bronx, NY
Ari Safari: Glenn is a small, yet big and great dog groomer and former police detective, who lives every day as if it were his last. He plans to creep around and snoop in other players’ duffel bags before coming up with a strategy, because he doesn’t ‘know them’ yet.
Between reconnaissance missions, he’ll spend his time like anyone would on their last day on Earth — grooming his head, while carefully trying not to clip his iPod earbud cords.
Jewpacabra: Glenn reminds me of a Bronx version of Danny Devito. Glenn has a fiance but doesn’t care about her much because he hints they’ve had a looooooong engagement. But screw the ball and chain, Glenn is determined to do anything possible to get the money, even flirting. Well hopefully he left that fiance chained in the basement where she can’t see a TV. Glenn is apparently very emotional too. He likes to cry in the interviews when it comes to his kid so at least this Bronx guy has a soul. Which is actually an improvement from last year.