Hello my loves! MissKitty to recap this week’s episode of Southern Charm. I first have to compliment my commenters yet again on their hilarious observations and good gossip. The one in particular about Thomas having all kinds of blackmail on his computer made me wish my imagination had a tiny sword attached to it so it could commit seppuku and die honorably. Also, thank you Yellow Lab Owner for wishing me congrats on the Stanley Cup. On with the recap! In the immortal words of Alex Ovechkin, Captain of the Washington Capitals hockey team: “We’re not gonna be fucking suck this year!”
We open with what has become MissKitty’s favorite scene- Chels with T, her Boxer. As he cutely watches her get ready, she asks him if he’s going to have dinner waiting for her when she gets home.
If he had opposable thumbs, he’d try his hardest and make you dinner
I freaking love that dog. Cam is tending to Palmer.
Kathryn is at a donut shop with Kensie and Saint. She asks him if he wants to share some with Kensie. He must take after the Ravenel side, because he doesn’t want to. Kathryn breaks off some for Kensie who is adorably wearing a cat ear headband.
The only possible way to make that kid EVEN CUTER is to show him with cake all over his face ::gritted teeth::
Suddenly we’re treated to some music that sounds like it’s out of a British movie circa 1967 about a swinging playboy getting into some hijinks (seriously- if you’re at all able to stream this episode, you’ll see) as Austen gets dressed waiting for Craig to arrive.
“All these miniskirt-wearing birds are driving me mental! Oy! Why did that baby lion just run by trailing a bunch of sausage links, wearing a huge diamond collar?”
Craig shows off his new hand splint from when he stabbed his wall with a butter knife, severing tendons.
“I hope all my future interviewers are tuning in!”
Craig says the only thing he can’t do is make a fist. Austen’s first question (and let’s be honest, I think everyone’s first question) is “can you masturbate?” Craig jokes that he has two hands. Yeah, it’ll be like a stranger! Sorry, I have way too many disgusting guy friends.
“This one I call ‘Teypon'”
Craig and Austen are on their way to Austen’s brewing company to taste his premier batch of his grapefruit/passion fruit IPA. Austen gossips that Chelsea and Victoria are going to hang out for the first time in a very long time, and that Victoria is the one having a problem. Austen says she’s “guided by her emotions”, which… Um she seemed to be reasonably asking a question of some rather cozy body language. But okay. Fine. She’s “emotional”. Craig just sums it up that “girls are fucking crazy man”. YES. We ARE. [Stares blankly until he nervously breaks eye contact.]
We next go to Chels and Naomie hanging out with their doggos (Naomie’s is borrowed) at the beach.
Tyson’s all “Who’s in the car??”
It turns out to be Tallie, a “rental puppy” aka her best friend’s dog, who is a cutie!!
Tallie is cracking me up, because she reminds MissKitty of her German shepherd in the derp department.
Naomie has to put on a boot cover, which is funny AF
The girls hang with their dogs and chat.
Best time EVER!
Note- MissKitty can’t think of a better way to hang with her girlfriends- with our dogs on the beach. Hanging with her girls at the barn comes a close second.
Chels brings up that Naomie posted pictures of Thomas and Kathryn at Saint’s birthday, one with a blue heart between them. Hahahaha! She TOTALLY admits to doing it to annoy Ashley. Naomie has a fine future ahead of her as a snarkologist of the highest order.
Hahahahahahha!! Love it
Naomie, the loyal bff we would all want, says she feels like she has to defend Kathryn, revealing that Kensie called Kathryn “Ashley” by accident. Dagger! Chelsea flat out says she hopes they won’t have to deal with Ashley much longer. Yeah, get in line. Naomie asks how Chels is doing with Austen. Chels admits that although she and Austen are in a good place, hanging with the two of them would be too much in her face. Naomie concedes that it’s totally normal to feel that way. Naomie asks her what it would take to be comfortable, and Chels admits “dating someone super hot”
Yep!!! Best. Revenge. Hear ya, girl!
Back at with Austen and Craig, they arrive at the brewery where we see Tom again. Oh no. If this guy is irritated by thinking Austen is a stupid metrosexual (paraphrasing), what’s he going to make of Craig?
“You sure you two aren’t a couple of Nancy boys gettin’ married?”
Something tells me he isn’t a big proponent of gay marriage. Just a hunch. Craig gives his pontificating review, as Tom looks on in confused horror. Craig asks if “woody” is a good description.
“You hittin’ on me, City boy?”
Craig rather sadly says he never knows if the things he says make sense. They don’t, but honey, you don’t have to draw attention to it.
“I’m not very good at describing things. And I lie a lot”
Next we go to Cam’s house, as she putters around looking pretty, but exhausted. She says hi to Elvis, the Chihuahua looking dog (wonder how that is going with the baby?). Her adorable mom, Bonnie arrives bearing blankets.
She’s one of my faves ever
She has brought hand-embroidered blankets, and Cam asks if they have poop on them. “They’re just OLD!” Bonnie protests. Cam tells us that Bonnie has been dying to be a grandmother.
These two are the best together
We hilariously flash back to Bonnie and her “trinket bag” which Cam correctly identifies as full of choking hazards.
“This one in particular could clog a windpipe!”
Cam bluntly tells Bonnie that she’ll not use the blankets, and teases that maybe she’ll use them with her second kid. Then she yells “psych!” and says nothing is ever coming out of her vag again. Poor Bonnie looked a little crushed. Also? I call bullshit. I think Cam will have another, so Jason can have a son.
“Closed! Except when we try for a boy”
Cam says she was sobbing the second day in the hospital asking Jason, “What have we done? Our life was perfect!” It’s a very human moment that I’m sure all parents have felt. MissKitty had the luxury of asking that question beforehand so that it never happened in the first place. Cam wrinkles her nose about everything centering around Palmer.
The face MissKitty never makes! Mmmm… Time for a nap…
Cam tells us the unnecessary fact that her boobs are spurting milk like a damn fountain.
Artist’s rendering of Cam’s tits lactating
Cam needs to get out of the house, even though she realizes that this is temporary, and that soon enough Palmer will be an asshole teenager. Bonnie hopefully points out that if she gets Jason’s personality, she’ll be a delight, but if she gets Cam’s? Bonnie finishes the thought that “payback is hell!” Hahaha.
KDenn and Craig meet up. Kathryn cutely compares his arm to “Edwin Scissorhands”
Close enough. But he can still masturbate
Craig cracks me the fuck up when he says his hand looks like it’s a character, looking at you.
Um. It kind of does! LOL! I’ll always sort of love Craig for these specific moments
Kathryn says she’s really enjoying her job. Craig says she looks genuinely happy.
She should. She got rid of 200 pounds of alcoholic toxic fat.
Thomas is even complimenting her now- sending her a Kipling poem, praising her “energy field”. He was probably half in the bag when he sent it, but she’s pleased none the less. Craig and Kathryn both admit that they think Ashley came out to Charleston expecting a free ride and an easy mark/marriage. We flash back to four years ago when Kathryn had her pregnancy scare and we see Thomas blearily promising her the keys to the kingdom with every dime and all he has.
Good lord he’s aged.
Kathryn wisely says that he doesn’t keep promises. I love seeing how this girl has gotten her shit together. When I started these recaps, I thought KDenn was a soulless narcissist. By the following year, the opinion softened, and I started liking her more and more and disliking him. It’s gone to a complete 180.
Speak of the asshole. In the only color he ever wears.
Thomas has pulled up to a jewelry store to meet with his consigliere (or former boyfriend, you be the judge), Whitney. He interviews that Ashley is controlling but he still does want a partner in the “business of life”. Well, what better person to pick! Fool. Anyway, Thomas wants another family crest ring. Whitney shows his off.
“Thishishrr famcrescht of C’Nosfrrrtu” Translation: “This is our family crest of Count Nosferatu”
Whitney hunblebrags to the jeweler that the Queen’s engraver did his ring. “The Queen of England?” Thomas asks. No, just a random queen. Thomas makes Whitney’s hope soar when he says he wants to get matching rings. “What does THAT mean?” Whitney asks, breathlessly. “For me and my girlfriend” Thomas answers.
“Oh I didn’t think you’mt usch. Ha. Thtschilly. Even though I rrrr my match’schweatrrrr” Translation: “Oh I didn’t think you meant us. Ha. That’s silly. Even though I wore my matching sweater”
Whitney is perplexed by Thomas’s wish to get matching rings with the family crest. In the one time a show that I agree with him, he is baffled.
Even this reanimated corpse being on the same wavelength as most normal people doesn’t prevent him from doing a typically disgusting finger gesture.
Thomas drones on about Ashley as Whitney interviews that it would take a team of psychoanalysts to figure out Thomas’s love life.
Hint. When this “takes one to know one” clammy momma’s boy makes this face, you know you’ve really gone off the rails.
Thomas says his family all loves Ashley, calling her drop dead gorgeous, and my favorite, grounded. Yeah… apparently she’s rocking the body composition lately of an eleven year-old boy and looks like she’s back from at stay at the Holocaust, which is sad and pretty awful, but let’s not call it “grounded”.
Thomas says he makes some impulsive, bad decisions sometimes, and from a 2 minute conversation with Whitney, he decides to shelve the whole “promise ring” idea (until maybe next show? Head::Wall).
Craig is next going to his favorite fabric store to see Cathy, his sewing guru.
“Oh no. It’s him. I mean, hi! Welcome!”
Craig has come for inspiration for his “designs” for his pillow line. First up, an unintentionally funny one that looks like an annoying picture in the yoga room of a Planet Fitness and a 1970s van had a baby.
I’m suddenly hearing a really bad Eagles song
Cathy euphemistically calls it “touristy” instead of “tacky” “tasteless” or “trashy”. He scrolls through his clip art, until Cathy picks out the best one.
Still not great, but better. Thanks Cathy! You’ll get zero royalties!
Shep arrives to do some day bowling. If I were Shep, I’d have a job just to avoid the depressing, sad, empty places he visits in the daytime, but that’s just me.
“Welcome. You’re our only customer before 6pm for the last 18 months”
Shep looks around, drops his pants, and puts his knee brace on. He’s not sure his doctor would sanction the bowling, but he is doing it anyway. He’s there to meet Kathryn.
Just looking at that makes my knee hurt
Kdenn is looking awesome!
She’s rocking the purple. Great color on her
The shirt is also fun and quirky, as are her Vermeer Girl With a Pearl Earring socks.
Shep interviews that he may have cut the cord too quickly on Kathryn. He finds her hot. We find out that they have hooked up a few times since the first time! Kathryn interviews that she has played around with the thought of seriously dating him, but it hasn’t gone anywhere really. She says they have “good sex, whatever”
Well, that’s certainly never a bad thing!
And she shyly says he’s cute and fun. It’s endearing, the way she says it.
She and Shep flirt. She reveals that she had a dream where he was in a house with a bunch of girls, but came to her room to tell her he loved her most out of everyone. Shep puts his face in his hands and laughs, then very touchingly says he loves her. It’s a very sweet moment. I think they aren’t necessarily right for one another, but I do think they share a genuine love.
It’s the day of Austen’s beer tasting. Austen has one of his best friends, Alexandra, coming by.
She looks like she keeps it real with him, for sure
He knows her from when she dated a fraternity brother of his. I hope this isn’t the case, but I get a SLIGHT “When will he see that I’m the best for him?” vibe from her. We’ll see. Alexandra helps him pick an outfit, asking if she’ll be meeting Victoria today. Then she asks (with much more enthusiasm) if she’s going to meet “the infamous Chelsea”. She spills that Austen called her, smitten over Chelsea. Austen hems and haws and looks embarrassed. I’m sure Victoria is going to LOVE this footage hahaha. Alexandra gives good advice that Austen needs to be respectful to his girlfriend, but be friendly with who he wants to be friendly to. She reminds him that the only girlfriend he needs to worry about is Austen IPA.
Thomas and Ashley are getting ready. Thomas is-shockingly-in dark blue.
Does he own anything in any other color? Just wondering.
Ashley and he bicker as she’s behind closed doors putting on her face. She mutters under her breath about his negative comments.
No, you don’t look crazy AT ALL. Not AT ALL (crickets)
Thomas says that Ashley came back from California no less quarrelsome and thinks that things may even have regressed, as she angrily does her makeup.
Austen arrives at “House of Brews” which literally looks like it’s just someone’s back yard with a chain link fence around it.
“Welcome to my yard!”
Austen reveals that the beer has no name yet. He pulls out a bunch of paper so people can write their impressions, and possibly think up a name.
Oh! This will be fun. How about:
Open Mouth IPA
Slack Jaw Brew
Dundalk Accent IPA
That was easy. Done and DONE! Austen is nervous both about the beer tasting and the fact that his ex and current girlfriend will be together, along with all the friends and family.
Chels is doing the ritual of picking out an outfit where she’ll look hot without *trying* to look hot for an ex that we’ve ALL done at one point.
Um- you’re done as far as I’m concerned
My opinion is that she’s prettiest when she’s dressed casual. We meet Addie, Chelsea’s… WAIT A MINUTE.. her roommate??? How is it we’re only hearing about her now? Has she lived with her all this time???
Chels picks a basic white blouse and cool new jeans. Honestly though, with that chick’s body? Put on a trash bag and she’s all set.
Close your eyes and point
Chelsea seems a little annoyed that after loafing around letting her pick up the tab, he’s suddenly a beer entrepreneur now that they broke up. She admits that she’s a bit nervous having to see Victoria there. She asks Addie if Victoria is hotter than her. Addie hesitates and Chels jokes not to say anything more. Honestly? Victoria is blandly, perfectly pleasantly pretty. Chelsea (in my opinion) is hotter. She has more of a firecracker personality.
Austen’s family arrives to sample his beer and offer encouragement. I really like his family honestly.
Aw. They’re all here- Mom, Dad, Katie, and Andrew McCarthy from Less Than Zero
Naomie, Wilson, and Danni arrive. Naomie and Danni love the beer. Ew. JD arrives.
“HEH! HEY! I’M HERE TO DRINK SOME BREW! HEHHHH!”
Chels arrives and… uh oh.. Victoria’s not going to like this… wraps her legs around Austen as they hug.
Oh Chelsea.. No, honey
She warmly greets his family and then tries his beer. She likes it! Austen seems super stoked. Thomas and Ashley arrive.
Not sure what Naomie probably said under her breath, but Austen’s dad liked it. Orrrr maybe he’s just totally smitten…
Austen brings Thomas and Ashley beers, and as she turns around, she totally does that stupid annoying thing where she turns “hi” into three syllables-ah.
I have to at least once a recap: Shut up, Ashley.
JD asks how Thomas likes the beer. “Tastes like beer” Mr. Positive says.
Craig and his roommate arrive, and then Peyton comes. Naomie actually greets her nicely.
Truce! Also, I think Austen’s dad is recording right now. Let’s just leave it at that.
Uncle Joel, who seems adorable, says he was expecting the beer to be way more “Austen-y”.
“It almost tastes like you kept your mouth open the entire time during the brewing process”
Kathryn arrives in a cool cape sweater. She mocks herself, saying she looks like an orange oompa. Meanwhile Ashley seethes across the way.
Not obsessed AT ALL
Thomas, meanwhile is looking at her like she invented rainbows.
Not obsessed AT All part 2
“She’s gotten taller” Thomas whispers to himself, I guess unaware that he’s mic’d. Ashley continues to shoot daggers. “Don’t stare!” she hisses at Thomas. He asks “why not?”
I hope that brass ring is worth the debasement, strawhead
Victoria arrives, looking like a dumpy gumshoe in a ridiculous fedora.
“Detective Fug, reporting for duty”
Chelsea calls out a friendly enthused greeting. Victoria says “what’s up”, in a voice that sounds like it’s made of paste.
Victoria blows off Chelsea and hugs Austen and his family. Chelsea looks bemused.
Craig asks Ashley if she’s talked to Kathryn since Hilton Head. “Who’s Kathryn?” she deadpans. OH! So funny! Not INSANE at all!
Yeah. Grounded AF
The men (except Craig) all guffaw like it’s the funniest thing since comedy, and Ashley can’t contain her smug glee. Thomas breaks in to ask if she’s going to talk to her. She simpers that she will if he wants her to, and then continues to gaze at her with hate, like a crazy person.
Jesus- Charleston better lock away its rabbits- this bitch is about to go boilin’
Thomas ambles over to say hello, and Ashley starts slurring and confiding in Craig, who looks super uncomfortable.
“Can I engage you in confidences that are WAY too familiar for the kind of acquaintances we are? Because I’m so grounded?”
“Please let the ground swallow me up”
Ashley, in a bid for sympathy, turns into every crazy bitch MissKitty ever runs into at a bar who has spent the last two hours glowering at MissKitty’s propensity to smile and laugh and not give A FUCK. Without fail, my joyful ease snares the attention of some jealous-ass uptight girl, who ends up a shit-faced bestie who wants to skin me and wear me like this year’s Athletica (told you I don’t give a FUCK) by the end of the night.
Ashley weeps to Craig about Thomas being self-destructive.
“That’s tough” Craig says, noncommittally, and “sounds like Thomas”
“I’ll take that sinkhole now. NOW”
Thomas asks Kathryn about the whole rating thing, and Peyton says her friend should describe it, since she doesn’t like beer. Damning with faint praise, he proclaims that it’s not terrible, but
Whitney arrives, dressed like a vampire pimp
“Count Huggy Bear has arrived, you dig?”
Whitney jokes around and pretends it’s awful
Something tells me he’s had this kind of load in his mouth before.. HEYOHHHH
Whitney spits the whole mouthful out, something that looks very familiar to him. Naomie is not amused
Chels says hi to Craig and tells him Cam showed up with Palmer at her work.
Shep arrives, complaining that he has to think of a name. Kathryn asks if he likes her suggestion “Brocal Brewing Company” He says no, and she asks why and he says “I just don’t like it” and she kind of shrugs and puts the card down. Shep rather cutely cups the back of her head and tells the table what a good bowler she is. Her expression as he leaves his hand there cracks me up.
I swear this is the most comfortable I’ve ever seen Shep with a girl before.
Shep jokes that she bowled either strikes or gutter balls, and she laughs that there was no in between. She asks if Thomas and Ashley are still there. Danni says she’s right behind her, and Shep comments that he likes Thomas’s sweater, but that he’s getting a bit of a gut. It is wonderful. I’m sorry, but I love Kathryn and Shep. Their friendship brings out a cool side in the other.
Ashley preens herself nervously and generally looks insane.
JD wishes her a happy birthday. She half jokes that she’s getting too old for Thomas. “Getting there” he says. Wow. What a gentleman. What a CATCH. They SO deserve one another.
Kathryn and Shep agree that it’s probably for the best that Ashley hasn’t spoken to Kathryn since Hilton Head.
Whitney skulks over to ask Thomas how things are going. Thomas complains about the fighting and admits that he’s not sure about the rings.
No comment really- just wanted to call out this rather pitiful collection of peter pan fuck ups
Austen thanks everyone for coming. Victoria dramatically wants his sister to stay. His mom tells him she’s proud of him.
Victoria goes to talk to Naomie and Kathryn, and says Austen wants to name his beer “Trepidatioun/s”
“I was thinking ‘Flaccid’ or ‘Unsure’ might be better names”
Worst. Name. EVER. Yes, Marketing gurus everywhere would tell you that “Trepidatious” makes people go “wow I really want to try that fearful, hesitant product”
Chelsea comes and says she’s “putting a hip in” which is awesome. She takes a nervous Victoria to talk. Kathryn asks if it’s good and Naomie *again* serves the best face.
I SWEAR this girl is my spiritual twin hahaha
Chels and Victoria hash out boundary talk. Victoria, to her credit, does tell Chelsea her objection and Chels, to her credit, listens and explains her side. Austen is freaking out (and loving it, let’s be real), talking to Alexandra. She asks “who’s your favorite?” Austen does his normal song and dance saying “it’s different” and she flat out says it’s “total bullshit”. Oooo Alexandra doesn’t mess around! Then:
BOOM! Uh oh…. Someone’s not a fan
Austen looks perplexed, and then it ends.
So what did you all think? Does Austen still want Chels? Next week we see Kathryn disappear!??? What?? Is she okay???
Oh NO! and Thomas gives Ashley a box. OH FUCK. FUCK!!!!
What’s in the BOX!?
Spill it in the comments- and meet you here next week!
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