Greetings Trash Talkers! My apologies for this being late. Sadly, some unfortunate events have occurred lately. So please be patient with the recaps for now. That’s life and I am still snarking!
Less than a week ago the new Bravo divorce show, Untying the Knot, made it’s grand entrance. Vikki Ziegler, our star, knows divorce and her job is to mediate these lovely couples as they fight over complete crap and help them come to a decision on who gets what without having to take it to court. They may be fighting over things, but what lies underneath the anger is a glorious mix of love, hate and betrayal. And possibly the fact that someone is not getting laid on a regular basis.
That being said, our very first couple, Mira and Jacques, represented all of the above. The sex part being something Jacques missed now that Mira was no more. They met up with Vikki, who was professional and polished. She does take her job seriously. Good. It was obvious from the get go Mira had moved on. She even wore a happy little afterglow.
Mira needs lots of money to maintain this look. Forever.
Jacques had not moved on but he wouldn’t admit it. He went on and on about how hot his ex was at the first of the show, when they talk about how things were when they first met and what went wrong. Except not in the mediation. The way he droned on, and on… and ON about how gorgeous and sexy his very soon to be ex-wife was before the session even started… made me laugh hysterically. Yes we KNOW you want her back dummy.
I was almost embarrassed for him. If I didn’t find men who act like him so irritating, it would have been even more fun. As it was, I got a smug little grin watching the moron act so pompous then making an ass of himself.
Of course like all men once he got around Mira for the mediation he tried to act like he didn’t care. Which was so transparent. PLEASE Jacques you have obviously been around for a while. Don’t you know that one looks idiotic after the 5th grade doing that especially when you keep giving her the eye, clinging to the hope that you will get her back?
Not happening. They argued over a few things, not a big ole argument but it was still enjoyable. They were both lusting after the same things (no I was not talking about Mira I am referring to ITEMS).
Beauty equals bling.
The items were:
Paris apartment: truly valuable but still had to be paid off. Worth $400,000 but they still owed $200,000 on it.
Buddha head that supposedly fell off some beam in a temple in Thailand. Or something like that. They both think it is worth millions. So of course they both want it.
Her wedding/engagement ring combo:
A huge canary yellow ring that did look truly valuable. It was purchased at $100,000. I’d say well done to Mira if she hadn’t waited to get it until AFTER they were married. Dumb move. That meant they BOTH had ownership of it. That just sucked.
Antiques, art, jewelry, etc is appraised by the other regulars on the show, two overly moussed men who shall be known as the Millea brothers. They are experts in expensive antiques, art etc. and will tell them what it’s really worth. Jacques paid $5,000 for that Buddha head in Thailand and he thought he got the deal of a lifetime. Too comical.
The fighting began as soon as they got on the couch. She clearly never wanted him. He figured out the ring part and enjoyed what little power he had over her with the ring. Well, she did con him into thinking she was in love with him while they were married. Sucker.
I guess he wasn’t going for the “if I act really nice and give you want you want you will come back to me” technique. He had moved on to the “I am acting like an ass so your low self-esteem will be convinced it is something about YOU that is making me act like an ass” move. It didn’t work. Mira knew she had it going. Take that, pompous bastard!
Okay so Mira was a greedy girl but from the second she popped on the screen you could tell she was from the start. No surprises. She wanted everything; the apartment in Paris, for instance, but she didn’t want to pay off what they owed on it. If they decided to sell it she wanted half. Of course that would be AFTER he paid off the debt.
Ha ha ha ha.
His argument was that he found the damn thing so he should get the whole thing. Dumb, dumb and dumber. Bad argument. Then onto the ring situation where he pointed out they were married when he bought the rings. Ooh we saw he was not as dumb as we thought.
They both wanted the stupid Buddha head. Idiots. Vikki kept a straight face while she listened to Jacques ramble about some story behind the Buddha. Money Mira had no problem telling him that he wanted to be married to a beautiful woman so he had to pay for it. At least she was honest. He said that she used the marriage for a payday and I wondered why he thought it would be anything else. He might have been nicely tanned but that was fake and so was his personality. They went back and forth. Gimme, gimme, gimme!
So after some pitiful attempts at flirting on Jacques’s part, the deal was settled like so:
The Buddha head went to Jacques. Except it was worth only $800 according to the amazing Millea brothers. Mira and Jacques thought it was worth at least ten grand. Plus he had to agree to Vikki’s idea of giving Mira a first class ticket to Thailand if she gives it to him. Done!
Mira got the rings which sadly were appraised at $60,000 by the Moose Munch brothers. She had to give Jacques 20 percent credit for purchasing it though.
Jacques got to keep the Parisian apartment under the agreement he would pay her $100,000 which was 50 percent of the net equity. She was pissed because, big surprise, Money Mira thought she was a much more valuable item. She vowed to fight that one. Vikki told her if she did she wouldn’t win. The whole deal is wrapped up in 30 minutes and we are left waiting a week for the next happy couple.
Golan wants some plastic babes… using Jennifer’s plastic.
Now we go to a completely different kind of ex-ing couple, Golan and Jennifer.
Golan is a very unattractive, creepy man with major crow’s feet. Jennifer is a regular, ordinary looking person who is VP of a Marketing Company and supposedly makes a lot of money. Or something like that.
Golan made a lot of money too before his business went under. This is where things get very shady. Pay attention, class.
Well, seems like Golan was almost cute way back when.
Vikki appears on the scene, meets the divorcing couple and does the usual. She asks why they broke up. Jennifer put it on the fact that he cheated. He said she ruined him financially. Hmm. Okay.
I am suspicious because they both talked about how Golan just quit going to work one day. Odd for a man who was ambitious and talented enough to make a lot of money. He may have just been really lucky.
He also said he wanted to hang out by the pool and enjoy himself. He wasn’t motivated to find another job. This was done during the intro which is how the format of the show is. They explain what they think what went wrong in the background and the camera shows them walking stupidly alone. They do that at the beginning and then bring in Vikki. The intro gives them a great chance to get the audience on their side by giving them time to lie as much as possible before the mediation. Seems like there is a lot of that going on in the marriage. Especially regarding the finances. Who the liar is, I’m not sure yet.
Vikki talks to them about what items they need to come to an agreement on. This is the fun part because usually they act EXTREMELY snotty about how rich and clever they are, only to find out they have spent their money on junk.
Jennifer brought the evil passport of misery into the marriage.
The items are:
Properties in Florida
A 17 carat diamond necklace bought by Golan as a gift to Jennifer
An Anwar Sadat passport
Bill Mack painting of a naked, hairless woman
Let’s start with the diamond necklace first. It is gorgeous. I want it. So does Golan. He bought it during their marriage it is part his. I hate that! I mean seriously, I don’t like knowing these things. I will never look at a gift from my husband the same way again. He will NOT be watching this show. OF course Jennifer wants it. It was a gift. How dare he want it back in the first place. How trashy. Of course, if he had any class he might still be married.
Golan’s argument is much like the husband from the last episode. He just wants it. It doesn’t matter why. Give it to him already.
That and because he doesn’t think she deserves anything. Lovely.
The properties that are in Florida seem to zap Golan to life. The resale value of the properties is $500,000. Golan had a job before he decided he wanted to get fatter and live on the couch. That was buying properties, turning them into something that could pass for expensive and making money off of it. So Golan did have a purpose. Once. He has visions of making piles of money again and renting women. I wonder if he realizes this means he cannot sleep all day? Hmm. She wants them because she wants everything also, especially since she had to live through his slutty ways during the marriage.
I cannot think of anyone who is acting more entitled than Golan right now except for the woman in this picture
However, we learn that Jennifer is actually fronting her business skills a bit. He brings up that she is no financial wizard, or an angel. She lent her boss $250,000 and he gave her the passport of Anwar Sadat for collateral in the meantime. He told her it was worth zillions and she believed him. She took his word for it without consulting an appraiser. Bad move. He may be your boss but he can also be a liar who will suck every penny you have out of your wallet. Or just someone who has no clue as to how much something is worth. Either way, I don’t think this is going to be worth $250,000.
The Bill Mack painting is something that Jennifer is emotionally attached to. Golan is attached to the money it will bring him.
Golan’s argument is just like the husband from the last episode. He just wants everything so he better get it. It doesn’t matter why. Give it to him already. Come up with a better argument please gentlemen. He keeps saying over and over that he will get what he wants in a laughingly threatening voice. Kind of like when my mom would tell me I had BETTER clean my room. When I was 8. Does he REALLY think that will work? Vikki is not having it. This is not a playground. This is reality TV and we have standards sir!
This Golan thing is bothering me. For someone to just decide to not work and such doesn’t add up obviously. It is not like he is 18 and he decided to run off to college and join a fraternity and drink beer all day instead of working. That would make sense. So I will add it up for him. He admitted to cheating on Jennifer and partying and laughed in her face about it. Smart move in front of a female who is also divorced and is deciding where your money should go. My bets go to him getting into drugs along with expensive women (or men) and is still enjoying himself. He seems to have one foot in Wonderland with only flashes of reality. Somewhere in his mind he WILL get what he wants and she WILL support him if he wants her too. Maybe it was that way before but it won’t be now. How old is this man? He also snuck looks at Jennifer like there were other things they weren’t going to bring up either. Scandalous things. Since the show is short, they were let off the hook.
I am waiting for Golan to tell Vikki he wants the cake back.
We get about 5 minutes of quality time with the Millea brothers. Golan will not shut up and just let this woman get things done. He is definitely a sexist fool. I really do think he believes he can look like he does and get away with sitting around doing nothing all day and have someone throw money at him. Not now, not even 20 years ago would that happen. Vikki starts raising her eyebrows and giving him a look that tells him to back off. Since he is male and superior in his own mind he doesn’t care.
The Millea brothers make their appearance. They are obviously making sure they look cute and sound entertaining to get their own spin-off one day.
Then they examine the goods. What do you think the value of the passport was? I can’t help it. The look on their faces is priceless. Way to go Jennifer. The passport she accepted as collaterol for a $250, 000 loan is appraised at a meager $6,500. I now believe Golan when he said that Jennifer financially ruined him. Well at least did to an extent.
Vikki may exceed her allotted show time with this rant
Vikki has had enough of him and she has aged rapidly throughout this meeting. No wonder Jennifer looks so haggard. She presents the deal which goes like so:
Diamond necklace: Jennifer. I hope she completely rips it apart and has it made into something else. I would want my memories of him completely destroyed. The resale value was $8,000. She has to give Golan a $4ooo credit for it.
Florida properties valued at $500,000: Golan. Her thinking is that this is his best shot at a steady income. Jennifer needs alimony and child support. I am thinking he should have at least let her keep the necklace without any kind of “credit”
Anwar Sadat passport: $6,500. Golan gets $3250 credit. Now maybe Jennifer will get her $250, 000 back. Ha ha ha ha
Bill Mack painting worth $600: Jennifer
Golan keeps bitching and rambling angrily to the air. Vikki finally turns to him and tells him to shut up and shake Jennifer’s hand. This whole experience has been hell for Vikki and she will need an extra Botox trip. We say goodbye as the uncouple walks away. Golan still has a stupid, ugly grin on his face. Imagine getting stuck with that for life. The financial mistakes were made on both sides, but at the end of the day the cheating on top of it destroyed what was left of it. The fact they had so many financial problems brought them down. That and because he is as attractive as a corpse.
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