The corpulent and bloated face of Masterchef has floated into view once more. Like that corpse you hid in the river that summer you’ve tried so hard to forget, its come back to haunt you. Sheep flee, the goat’s milk has soured and small children run in fear of its shadow, crying ‘No Mummy I don’t want to be part of your futile efforts to become famous’. Their tears are to no avail, the furnace has been re-lit. Look upon its works and despair, mortals. That’s what Gordy would say.
Picky people (see how I’m framing them as essentially bad and wrong, people who’d cheat at cards and drink too much, and are probably murderers) might say its actually episode 3.
Yes, that is technically, and actually, true – but Gordy managed to kick off this season in the middle of a furious and bitter political battle in the UK, ending in a snap election, so I was distracted as I’m a massive political geek. The election ended in stalemate, so it was largely a waste of my time and pretty much nothing at all will happen in the UK (politically) until a new election gives one party the power to do something – probably in six months to a years time. Happy now, booze ridden card cheats? I just have to say I totally approve of drinking.
This year, the stage needs a little dressing. It might not have been apparent to most US viewers, but Gordy has been desperately re-establishing himself in the UK. His decade long exclusive deal with Channel 4 is over, and now he has created a new programme called ‘Super Not Master Chef’ or some bollocks on ITV, (or Channel 3, if you’re counting. They only go up to 5 terrestrial channels so its not hard) which is basically the channel where minor celebrities go to die doing reality tv shows.
Unfortunately for Gordy, the trend he started back with Hell’s Kitchen in 2004(?) has effectively destroyed him here. He left for the US and money – and I for one applaud him for that, screw ethics – but since then a plethora of cooking shows has grown up, including the BBC entering with a highly regarded show called ‘The Great British Menu’ and between it and ‘Great British Bake off’ (No we don’t start all our programmes with ‘Great British’ – those are the only two shows that do it. That I watch), and of course ‘Masterchef Goes Large’. Which was changed to ‘Masterchef’ for international sales, and the home grown version switched to that too when someone pointed out how silly it was.
So Gordy’s shows were relegated to the channel no one watches – Channel Four (Well no one watches Channel 5 either tbh). He didn’t care too much as Brit TV stars are considered ‘top flight’ and massively overpaid if they earn £100,000 a year. A year, not an episode. The top ones. So his return to the UK screens is a matter of some note.
Hopefully by now you’ll have forgotten about episodes one and two. I tried very hard to distract you. If not, here’s a swift recap.
Its another 40 idiots up for the cut. Arron Sanchez has been recruited as a new judge, and I’d be happy about that if ‘weird crush’ Tosi was exiting. She isn’t even a patisserie Chef, she just bakes cakes. Sadly both are still here and neither get much of a chance to say anything except ‘I make cakes/Tacos’ (delete as appropriate. )
It looks so peaceful.
There was the usual parade of people saying ‘I’m here to win this.’ Maybe one had a Damascene moment of enlightenment and said ‘Its really not likely I’m going to win this, but I’m trying anyway’ but they didn’t get on air. None of them are unusual. I’m almost well-disposed to the Texan Rancher dude, but only because he’s only slightly older than me. We could share bitterness about mobile phones and how no one needs one.
Praying, a great photo opportunity.
It’s what Religion is for. First up were two Pastors. So I don’t really give a toss which gets through. Possibly the lady wins on having multi – colored hair, and that was the case. I remember them as they seemed nice and went first.
Really if you want a very slightly more in depth cover of this Babylegs and me did a pod of it. Suffice to say that Taylor and Caitlin were back from last year, and I only remembered them as I secretly had the hots for Taylor. She didn’t get an apron as she was rubbish, both last time and this time.
Other highlights were a guy getting through who is a massive Dick, as he does ballet ALL THE TIME. I genuinely admire ballet dancers as its a craft requiring great commitment and skill, but if you pirouette to get an onion you are a huge Dick. Worse he used two tomato sauces on a Veal Parmigiana.
There were a collection of ‘steak guys’ and a Bell-End and an Afro hair cut won that. (Two separate people)The Bell-End said he thought all men would want to be him, and all women will want to sleep with him. A nakedly ambitious shot for ‘Season Creep’ as he looks like muppet that’s been shaved and stuffed in a Hawaiian shirt. (Bell-End is English slang for the end of a male’s bits used for peeing and recreation. Sort of a polite version of calling someone a Knob, or a dick)
Lone Star Rancher dude got through making cupcakes, and his blatantly didn’t rise properly but he still beat the other guy. I really did like him so didn’t worry about that, but I dialed back a bit on that as Babylegs has tagged him for marriage and I didn’t want to suggest I was competing for his affections. So don’t be surprised if he gets mysteriously tasered halfway through the season and is never seen again.
There was a music teacher or conductor who served seafood both cooked hot and cold, which is a no no, but showed off his actual cooking skills a bit, and a bunch of people screwed up Tacos to give Arron a bit of good old stereotyping. That is slightly unfair as if Gordy had judged the Tacos with Arron standing there doing nothing, that would have been a piss-take, but it might have been nice if Arron had something else to do than just judge Tacos. Which apparently I don’t pronounce properly. Who knew? Probably you, as you know I’m English.
There was also a montage of people who I have now spent more time on than the program (finally spelled that the American way) did, so don’t expect to see them much.
Now we’re ready for episode three, the first actual challenge. Just give me a moment to finish nailing the last of the Taylor pics to my wall and I’ll be with you. Sob. She’s so lovely. She really did suck at cooking though.
So what awaits us now? Your guess is as good as mine, I’m writing this as I watch it, but it’s a fair bet its a mystery box.
Red Trousers – for Clowns only Arron
I mean, if you need to be told this, good luck getting laid.
Yachecia Multi-hair (yep I paused it to see how the hell that one was spelled) has decided that at 43, it’s time for HER. She’s raised her kids, had a failed marriage, so now its all about her. You go girl, spend some time on yourself. I’m 46, and my whole life has always been highly focused on me. Not changing now either.
Kinda looks like my Gran, but she’s younger than me. Weird.
My Gran wasn’t Black, but apart from that, its very close.
Ugh. Iggy gets a talking spot. He’s a real Berk. That’s rhyming slang for Berkshire Hunt, or, well you can work it out. If you can’t, miss out the ‘Berkshire’ part and add a ‘C’. And possibly don’t take it so nicely when an Englishman calls you a ‘Berk’ in future, because they are being very rude.
A Massive Berkshire Hunt
He looks like a really sub-par Iggy Pop lookalike. I hate him. I love Iggy Pop.
The judges blarg on about the rewards, and I realize why I like Lone Star Rancher. He has poise, he doesn’t clap on command like some reality TV star Gibbon-Seal. He’s behaving like a normal person, so he can’t be long for this world.
The Mystery Box is opened, after a lot of ritual, and its a bag. Pretty fucking pointless to have a bag in a box. Surprisingly the contestants then open the bag.
There’s a step here that could have been avoided without really impacting the show.
In the bag are twelve of the most common items on any American shopping list. According to Tosi, not me, so don’t complain to me about their choices. One item does catch my attention – White Cheddar cheese? WTF is that? No such thing. Cheddar cheese, which is made in the county of Somerset, in the village of Cheddar, hence its name, is yellow. Or, at best, off-white. There is no white variant. Ok /rant off I just saw it and its yellow. My only defense at this point is to ask why Tosi called it white, but that’s very weak. I will sheepishly drop the subject now. I am backing away from the High Horse and regretting raising the subject.
Other than the contentious cheddar they have apples, broccoli, bacon, ground beef, chicken, carrots, tinned tomatoes ( I think) – so really this is a ‘if you can’t cook something with this you are completely incompetent’ round.
Multi-Hair ( I can’t pronounce her name, leave alone spell it) is making a breakfast, which sounds good. Some guy called Adam is making what his parents did, some girl called Ebon (I think) is making a curried chicken breast ‘with love’. As her husband is Indian. Not a great idea in an hour, to get the levels of flavor you need in a good curry you have to cook the spices for a lot longer than that. I suspect they’ll be very raw and not too nice.
Brien, the dick who thinks all women want to screw him, is making a Broccoli/bacon/chicken slaw.
I have no real idea what I’m doing.
He also seems to connect it to fish and chips. No. What you are doing is not connected to that at all. But on the whole, he is making something that might be edible.
Jewish Sam, and he’s the one who made a thing out of his religion not me, is making some chicken skin rubbish. I’ve seen one chef make a decent dish out of chicken skin, and he had two Michelin stars. Sam is dreaming if he thinks he can pull this off.
One contestant called Heather pulls out the ‘We didn’t have a lot of money growing up, so this is what my mom did’. Welcome to the real world, most of us didn’t’ grow up on Divan Chairs and being taken to school on a carriage drawn by Swans. Do we go on about it? No. If the fact your family is hard-up is the most interesting thing you have to say about yourself, then just fuck off.
I Don’t Like Heather
She shot her one chance with me. She angered me.
Yet more people who have not been seen before appear. None of them say anything more of interest.Wow that was unexpectedly harsh. Heather really did anger me. I’m pissed.
Judging time! Lets be realistic, we won’t see at least half of them.
Astonishingly, three dishes stood out. Almost like always. Sam, Heather, and Mark. A trio of dickheads.
Ohhh, faked out. Gordy hasn’t called up the three best, but the three worst. That is needlessly cruel, but as I hate all three of them its fine by me.
It feels bad saying that as there is someone in the other group wearing a reverse baseball cap, but what can you do.
The actual top three were Multi-Hair:
This doesn’t do it justice it looks pretty good.
She is irrepressible, and growing on me. It helps shes making decent food, but I do think it won’t make it to final on this showing. She seems a skilled home chef, not someone whose gonna grow but we’ll see. She did make her own sausage meat though, and I’d love to eat what she cooked. Gordy loves her food.
Its hard to be snarky about a smile like that
I will be soon though. Second up is Jennifer. Who is a debt collector. Probably best to be nice to her.
I think this is awesome. Jennifer Rocks.
She was genuinely ecstatic to be chosen, so good on her. I reckon she’s another early casualty getting the ‘ego boost’ treatment. Lovely woman though.
Third up is Rapey, or Bell-End. The guy who thinks all women will screw him. Tosi makes a joke about him being so good they named him twice, Ryan O’Brien. It might have worked if he was called Brian O’Brien. Nevermind Tosi. So good I called him Rapey.
Keep wearing that shirt and even your dog won’t want to hump you
Oh god he has Irish Heritage. That usually means he’s Anglo but would rather pretend to be Irish. That would be as bad as someone spelling Caitlin like Katelyn. Cough. I’ll pay for that.
Brien actually sounds like he knows what he’s doing. He is, so far, a horrible person, but able to cook. He probably isn’t a horrible person really he’s just got lured into saying silly things by the producers. That is his fault though.
Brien wins, and says ‘Winner winner chicken dinner’. I now don’t regret calling him Rapey. Does this mean something? Or is it his attempt to rhyme? It almost did. But to be a rhyme, it needs more than one sentence. As it is, its just Doggerel.
So now, all three ‘winners’ are safe from elimination. In fact only the three people picked out at first are at risk of elimination.
Mark Heather and Sam get a bollocking off Gordy. And Tosi. And Arron. Glad not to be them.
They basically get told they can’t cook. I have to say, it has more drama than usual. Then, a new twist. They can redo their original dish – taking on board any comments – or make a new one. They only have 45 minutes this time though.
Jesus Christ, has Masterchef suddenly got good again? I’m actually interested, as Gordy threatens to eliminate all three of them.
Am I rooting for anyone? No. I hate all three of them. Possibly I hate Sam the least, as he does seem nice. Oh God no, he’s a creative writing teacher, I take it back.
He fails to get his meatloaf in the oven on time. Gordy actually helps him with some basic organization advice. Idiot.
Mark is a bitter failed athlete, and Tosi, who once more I am finding more and more attractive, doesn’t understand his attempts to conjure up his failed glory. Can’t blame her.
Things carry on, and it’s all looking ok – until someone makes a huge fucking mistake. Mark suggests Heather should ignore what Gordy is saying to her, as he ignores him. The faces of Tosi and Arron tell a tale I couldn’t possibly tell, but I tried to get as close as I could.
Holy Fucking Shit You Are Doomed
Gordy tells him to be serious or get out. We can see Gordy’s command of the language here, as he says ‘Take it serious or take your apron off’ and Mark goes so far to correct his grammatical failing, saying ‘I do take it seriously’ but Gordy just repeats his mantra. Lesson – Gordy’s grammar may suck, but he cooks better than you and he’s in charge. And don’t correct his grammar.
Gordy is a stellar chef. He’s also a bit of an arse. Arguing with him about cooking is like trying disprove Black Holes with Stephen Hawking. Eboni sums it up, and she’s an addiction counselor so gets a plus one from me, as its in my bailiwick.
‘Mark’s not taking this seriously’
Mark may not know, but he’s now had his card marked. In some way, later or sooner, Gordy is going to end him and slag him off.
Gordy moves on to tell Sam his new Meatloaf, despite being awful, is in fact fantastic. Wow, Mark, seems like someone who doesn’t slag off Gordy gets a better judging. Who’dve thought.
Tosi then compares cooking to writing. This is ludicrous and wholly irrelevant. God I do fancy her again though. Judge me Tosi, I’m begging.
Heather’s Redo is basically Kebobs and fries. Arron says its more authentically Peruvian. I call bollocks, but they do need to make sure there’s a paper trail for killing Mark off.
Her plate looks ok, but chicken is notoriously difficult to get any flavor out of – except the legs. And Heather has fallen into the ‘breast is best’ trap. But she isn’t Mark so gets ok notes.
Gordy steps up to ‘judge’ Mark’s Redo on a chocolate pancake. You might think this is hard to screw up, but Gordy knows better. Mark’s added bacon and cilantro. Gordy upturns his little pot of pancake to reveal a congealed mess of fat and egg. Gordy is on a mission to prove just how shit Mark is. Its almost like Mark had upset him a few minutes ago. Mark sticks to his guns, which is admirable, but futile.
I would say that a chocolate chip pancake and bacon is just utterly disgusting. If I was served that, I would rebel. Sweet things at breakfast, ruining bacon, will just make me want to heave.
However, I know many people aren’t quite like that – and I hate sweet things in general. I am far more a bitter and twisted person, and that’s what I want from my food. So maybe a more open minded person would enjoy his foul, putrid, probably diseased pancake.
So far, I feel almost kindly towards Sam. He’s an idiot, but he tried hard. Sam and Heather survive.
Wow. That was a surprise, in the least sense of the word. Mark gets dealt the exit card. Gordy says he personally hates him. That’s what he meant, no matter that he actually said ‘you’re a good cook’, or similar. The fact that Gordy took time to point out that he himself felt Mark was not up to scratch speaks volumes. You can piss off Arron,mock Tosi, and still gleefully collect the $250,000 – but piss off Gordy and you are toast.
Mark manages to turn his failure into a success, which takes a special kind of deranged ego.
The slightly more quick witted amongst you will have noticed a lack of photo’s towards the end. Yeah, I got bored watching three episodes in a row and stopped screenshotting. I’m not proud, but at least I’m honest. I will try and do better. Bear in mind the word ‘try’. No firm promises.
Next week, and outdoor challenge! My favorite.
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