Welcome to the season finale of The Real Housewives of Dallas, also known as The Real Housewives who don’t know how to house train their pets. This week we start out with Stephanie and her husband Travis “List Man” Hollman. Stephanie and Travis are planning their annual Byron Nelson party, which is apparently a major social event in Dallas, which was shocking to me since Stephanie made sure to let us know several times that this was in no way a charity event, it was just a way for them to get all their friends super hammered. These parties tend to get pretty wild, so much so that last year there was a naked woman on their bedroom balcony dropping it low for the whole of Dallas to see. Since Travis is involved in the planning of this event, he of course has a list of chores and tasks for Stephanie to do, one of which is to clean up all the dog shit in the yard and in the house.
Stephanie reiterates to Travis that all these lists make their relationship seem like a business arrangement and not like a marriage. One of the main questions on Travis’ list is whether or not LeeAnne will be attending. Stephanie invited LeeAnne before their trip to Austin, so she probably should call and disinvite her, but I’m sure someone on production told her that since this event was going to be the finale party, LeeAnne had to be in attendance.
Speaking of LeeAnne, she and Tiffany are at the gym in full faces of makeup. LeeAnne comments on how much Tiffany takes care of her body, so much so that Tiffany has a 12-pack. LeeAnne on the other hand says she has more of a keg. Is she trying to make herself more relatable? Anyways, Tiffany and Aaron/Keith Urban are starting up their fake house hunting again. Meanwhile, LeeAnne isn’t sure whether or not she wants to go to Stephanie’s party or not, but she thinks that if she doesn’t go, then everyone will assume that her behavior in Austin is how she really is, or something. Either way we all know LeeAnne will be at the party, because we saw her fighting with Cary in the preview. More on that later.
To Go or Not To Go. That Is the Question.
Seemingly out of nowhere, LeeAnne makes a comment about how someone once offered her a bump, and she thought they were talking about a dance and not a hit of cocaine. LeeAnne has lived many lives y’all.
Then we’re with Cary and her husband who are in the midst of a panic, because they’re almost out of Grey Goose.
Cary again brings up her storyline about wanting a summer house in Zurich. Does she speak Swiss? Do they speak Swiss there? Does she at least like Swiss cheese? I have more questions about this. It also seems like Cary wasn’t really close to too many of the other girls on the cast, because every time she has a post fight or post event discussion, it always seems to be with her husband.
They recently did an interview with AfetrBuzz Tv which you can watch here.
So, apparently ever since the girls got back from Austin, LeeAnne has been spreading rumors(?) about Cary and how she landed her husband. Cary thinks that because she is the only person in the group who has the balls to go up against LeeAnne, that LeeAnne is “gunning” for her.
Cary doesn’t want her husband to go to the Byron party, but I’m sure he’ll be picking out her outfit.
Then we move over to Brandi, and I was shocked to see that her husband, Bryan, was actually around and not off “conducting business”/spending time with his secret family (allegedly – I have no proof except for common sense). Brandi and Bryan are getting their kids ready to go bowling, and surprise! there’s some animal shit in the corner of one of the kid’s rooms. Do dog trainers exist in Dallas, TX? Can any locals let us know in the comments what’s happening down there with pet training?
Anyways, so while they’re out bowling Bryan suggests they plan a family 4th of July party and invite all of the family Bryan has been essentially ignoring since this show started filming (Brandi’s long lost grandfather, her brother who attempted suicide etc.). Hopefully his other (alleged) family isn’t expecting him to be around for fireworks this year.
Then we’re with Tiffany and Aaron who are touring a house they probably cannot afford. The house was extremely modern, and I’m sure anywhere in Los Angeles County it would be worth millions of dollars, but based on what I could see, this was the only modern house in the neighborhood. Based on what the realtor was telling them, it seemed like the entire neighborhood was going through a remodel with all the older houses being knocked down and newer homes being built, but it seemed like the house they were touring (listed at $675k) was the very first house to be complete. I’m sure the house would be worth a lot more once all the construction is complete and the neighborhood is finished being renovated, but how long would that take? This was a major concern for Aaron, because he doesn’t want construction noise to interfere with him recording music, which he does on back patios? Couldn’t he just soundproof a bedroom? Anyways, this scene ends with Aaron agreeing to stay in Dallas.
During what could have been a sweet and romantic scene, the editors decided instead that it would be a good idea to add some construction and dumpster noise. It was the right decision.
Brandi heads over to Stephanie’s house with her kids to help Stephanie pick up dog poop. Apparently the dog that does all the pooping was Stephanie’s dog before she and Travis got married, so Travis thinks it should be Stephanie’s responsibility to pick up said poop. Stephanie thinks she could get Travis to pick up the poop, but that would probably involve some type of sexual favor, and she would just rather pick up the poop.
Next we’re with LeeAnne and Rich and their shady dog who is begging for food. I thought for a second that perhaps my laptop had broken or that maybe my eyes had stopped working, because I didn’t see a slathering of pink blush on LeeAnne’s cheeks.
Thank You, Lord.
LeeAnne is telling Rich all about the positive responses she’s been getting about her speech at the Grace Project, and she wants to meet with a PR company to begin to arrange a speaking tour for her. I would honestly do almost anything to attend one of these speeches. If you know of any, let me know.
LeeAnne admits that she doesn’t like when she lets her anger gets the best of her, and then we get a montage of all the times she has completely lost her shit this whole season. So, LeeAnne is at a meeting with Jeff Crilley who does PR for different speakers and books events for them. Beginning rate for a speaker at LeeAnne’s level range from $1k – $2k per speech, but can get as high as $50k/speech. Once I finish writing this recap I’m going on a speaking tour. Look out for my dates.
Anyways, apparently LeeAnne has written a series of affirmation books, and while I wasn’t able to specifically find any of these books, I did find her website. Have fun going down that rabbit hole.
LeeAnne’s motto is that she was “Designed to Shine,” and then she makes some joke about farting glitter. Remember episode one when she was ready to throw Brandi into the pit of Hell for making poop jokes. How things have changed.
Now we’re back with Stephanie and Travis, and while Travis may not have given Stephanie a physical list of things to do in preparation for the party, he certainly had one in his mind, because he was running down it with Stephanie while they were getting dressed. The most important thing on the list, besides making sure there is enough alcohol, was that there was no dog poop anywhere. According to Stephanie, you could lick the grass and you wouldn’t taste a turd. I’ll take her word for it.
Guests start arriving to the party, and Stephanie is telling everyone about the no longer secret bottles of Patron he has “hidden” in the freezer. Does she know was secret means? Stephanie says all of her friends get way more drunk at the Byron party after having kids than before, because before you have kids you drink all the time, so your body is used to it, but after you have kids you (apparently?) drink less so every time you drink you get instantly hammered.
LeeAnne, Tiffany and Keith arrive, and LeeAnne’s makeup has once again reverted to her days at the circus.
I know LeeAnne was on Big, Rich Dallas or whatever that show on Style was a few years ago, so it is BAFFLING to me that she still doesn’t know how to properly apply makeup for tv cameras. (Side note- if you watched that show, I would LOVE to see Pam Martin throw down with these ladies)
Anyways, LeeAnne and Marie greet each other like they just saw each other at the mall the other day and everything is dandy. Remember when someone threatened to gut someone else like a carnie? I do.
Cary doesn’t want to leave her bag downstairs with the common folk/she wants to talk to Stephanie alone, so they go upstairs to Stephanie’s room to put her bag down/talk shit.
My main takeaway/question about this scene is why you would need an electric outlet in the middle of the wall.
We’re back downstairs, and Cary is pretending to eat mac & cheese when Tiffany walks over looking for the chicken. Tiffany and Cary get into a pointless conversation about LeeAnne. I say it’s pointless, because Cary could whip out footage of LeeAnne murdering a small child, and Tiffany would come up with some excuse from LeeAnne’s past to justify it. Cary’s main point this episode is that you can’t claim to be a victim if you’re actually like a bully. Now, I will agree that most bullies do come from a place of some other hurt, but I think Cary’s point was that in this specific situation, LeeAnne can’t claim that threatening to murder someone is just as hurtful/wretched as spreading some gossip about pooping in a basket.
Stephanie whipped out the “secret” Patron, and some of the ladies did a shot.
Than Tiffany, never minding her own business, brings Marie over to the couch where I think she thought she and LeeAnne could gang up on her and make Marie confess to spreading the story about LeeAnne pooping in the basket. For the first time, Marie didn’t look like the fear of God was in her.
Her eyes were just as wide as they always are, but her expression was more like, oh this again? Really? Marie again denies telling the poop in the basket story, and the maddest person is Tiffany. I think at this point LeeAnne began to realize that maybe it could have been Tiffany who told the poop in the basket story.
At this point, Cary decides it would be a great time for her and LeeAnne to have a one-on-one.
After her blow up in Austin, you can tell LeeAnne was trying her best to remain as calm as possible. She wasn’t even drinking. I’m kind of not clear on their conversation at this point to be honest. Cary thinks that LeeAnne takes everything she says and turns it around, and LeeAnne thinks the same about Cary? LeeAnne also thinks that Cary is trying to manipulate the other girls in the group to be against LeeAnne, but I think LeeAnne has done a good enough job of that on her own. Some of the things that were said during this fight, I understood what they meant, but the way they said it made me laugh.
Example: LeeAnne said to Cary, every time I say something, you immediately say something back. Like, I know LeeAnne meant that Cary is always ready to fight her on every comment she makes, but at the most basic level – that’s just how conversation works. I say something, and then you say something. Am I crazy? Did anyone else catch that?
Also when Cary made a comment about LeeAnne’s “story” and she said “my story is not a story,” I was like, what?
That’s like saying my soda is not a soda. Then what the fuck is it? I get she meant, like don’t try and diminish what I’ve been through, but words mean things, and sometimes they’re funny out of context.
(I am not drunk, I swear)
Anyways, Cary’s mic drop moment for me in this whole conversation was when she said, albeit in her interview, but she still said it, “There are no excuses for bad behavior as an adult. Everybody went through things when they were younger. That has no bearing on you being an asshole.”
Cary, why on God’s green Earth did you not say that to LeeAnne’s face???
Maybe she doesn’t have as many balls as she claims.
Basically, these ladies(?) are in no danger of being friends.
Now that the “big fight” of the finale has taken place, Bravo lets us know what the ladies have been up to since filming wrapped.
“Tiffany and Aaron lost the house to a higher bigger. (shocker)
They were heartbroken.
Aaron is writing a song about it for his 2nd album.”
“Cary and Mark summered in Switzerland.
She perfected scorpion pose on a romantic jaunt to Italy.
Mark now wants homes in both countries. (and I now want to die)”
“Travis promised to work on his communication.
He no longer leaves lists.
Instead he leaves notes for sexual favors. (again, wishing for death)”
“LeeAnne entered counseling for anger management.
Rich has still not proposed… (duh)
Which really pisses her off.”
“On their anniversary, Brandi and Bryan renewed their vows. (that never seems to end well)
She kept the fart jokes to a minimum.
(something I couldn’t read/capture, because it was covered by a promo)”
See y’all next week for the reunion!
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