Last week, Ramona and Bethenny had a battle of the repressed childhood memories. Dorinda examined the ruins left by the Ramonan tribe. Luann prepared to marry Tom who prepared to hall pass his way through the dorms and convalescent homes of Palm Beach. Sonja was still harassing Tinsley who planned her escape with Carole and Adam’s sexy vegetables. Oh, and Carole also introduced her to her boobs and dentist. Tinsley preferred the boobs.
This week, Frenchie is scrambling Sonja’s leftover eggs after scrambling her leftover eggs. He’s 39 years old, cooks and isn’t afraid of the botulism surely lurking in Sonja’s pantry. He’s perfect. I’m just going to start drinking every time I hear an “a la Francaise” or a “make it nice” because they just can’t stop. Tinsley joins them while telling us that Frenchie was on Sonja’s list for her but she kept him for herself. Sonja suggests a menage e trois but Tinsley declines cuz she was wrestled to the ground by two cops in Palm Beach and it’s just too soon.
Tinsley wants to know how committed they are and Frenchie says that he is serious. He says that he spends time with other women but just as friends. Why doesn’t he come with closed captions? I’m only picking up every third word like he’s on a Nextel. Anyway, Sonja says it’s all about good food and good sex. Tinsley prefers to stick with one person instead of sleeping around if she’s into someone. She is all about breaking and entering her way into love as needed though. Sonja’s scared because she wasn’t looking for a relationship and she’s still dating Rocco who might break Connor’s legs in lieu of hers. Frenchie knows about this man called Rocco and something something, closed caption needed, something something. She says she’s dating a French and an Italian.
Sonja: Where can I find a guy who owns a ranch? Then I’ll have the entire Wishbone collection.
Oh and she makes a ‘take a Xanax’ reference so it’s time for shotskies!
Bethenny is decorating her apartment with balls she compares to Ramona’s implants. Her assistant says it looks good and Bethenny agrees because of course she meant it as a boobhanded compliment. There’s a huge Skinnygirl luge/ice sculpture/funnel/community frat bottle in place. Meanwhile, Dorinda is stuck in traffic and wrapping presents in her car. She says she always leaves gift bags under her couch cushions because she’s always wrapping leftover gifts. What in the entire hell does that mean? Like, I eat breakfast but you’re not going to find a Slim Fast stash under my Ikea Knopparp. She calls herself a last minute wrapper. I’ve been saying she should have been a Wu-Tang member for years so I’m kind of excited by her revelation.
Sonja is packing for her Phuket trip. Tinsley is staying at the townhouse through the weekend and she and Connor say that they have plans. Did Tinsley not get the memo about her use of Connor? If you’re going to go against your hostess, one needs the level of secrecy only found in 80’s movies. Someone rent Curly Who Mortimer Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead so she can figure out how to do this.
Dorinda, resident chubby chaser, arrives at Bethenny’s and a chef is there showing them how to shuck an oyster because the only thing Dorinda likes shucking is a ‘homeless’ man in pursuit of a nickel and her disdain. He says things like “just the tip” and “wet and juicy” and the hornbag duo of Dorinda and Bethenny don’t miss any of it. They’re all giggly and awkward as they try to remember the days that something other than stock portfolios and penthouses made them “wet and juicy”.
Ten bucks says he’ll be shucking that sweater open after her 5th martini.
Ramona wasn’t invited so Bethenny made sure to put out obnoxious amounts of caviar in her honor. Ramona’s going to hang out where she’s wanted – which is with Avery and her friends who are college students in pursuit of a free meal and thesis material. At the restaurant, Ramona kicks off the cocktail ordering because that’s the first thing my mom did when my barely legal college friends and I gathered at her place for homemade chili and toilet paper care packages.
“You only order one glass at a time?”
If you’ve ever wondered what those wacky millenials are into, it’s kinda depressing. Avery professes her love for Pellegrino and recalls her finest, most mineral-y memories of growing up in a privileged household. Seriously. My mother didn’t start drinking fancy glass bottle water until we all moved out of the house. Avery’s all ‘Pellegrino is my life’ and one of her friends says that that’s what she loves about going to Ramona’s house. Someone please get these girls some Molly and tickets to the Fyre Festival. I can’t live vicariously through sparkling water-based thoughts. Then, Ramona sets up a night for the girls to hang out with “her” girls. Or they could just go to a funhouse and look at their future that way. They’re all looking like this dinner favor went too far and they’re planning to dine and ditch Ramona.
Back at Bethenny’s, Tinsley reveals that at Ramona’s unaired charity event, she accidentally spilled the beans to Ramona about the party. They’re still not speaking to each other in the midst of their cold war. Speaking of, Carole and her teeth are in a cold war with the Skinnygirl luge. Did I mention that Bethenny has this because she loves the word luge? I think she just didn’t want to outright say “yuge”. She’s got a brand to protect. Tinsley drinks from the luge too and has a spill. Bethenny immediately dives across the table to rescue what she can. She will funnel that golden liquor back into a bottle and sell it faster than you can say “Don’t do that! It’s unsanitary Ms. Frankel!” Bethenny will be damned if a drop hits the floor like Dorinda will soon.
Dorinda is still pissed about her house being damaged and she repeats the story. She confronted Ramona who tried to downplay it so Dorinda said she should stay at her house for a night and they could see what happened. It’s a good point but it might backfire what with the Mario effigies littered about. Sonja says that Ramona trashes every place they visit. It’s kind of her thing. Madonna had a mole, Ramona has trash hands.
At the restaurant, Ramona tells the girls that she went ballistic on Bethenny. Emma, who’s gonna Single White Female herself into Ramona’s will, tells her that being friends with Bethenny is like walking on eggshells and she shouldn’t have to deal with it. Ramona is all ‘hallelujah…a 21 year old agrees with me!’ That’s generally not a good thing when you’re presenting an AARP card to get 10% off of this girl’s night out.
Luann is prepping for the wedding and Dorinda arrives late. Luann thinks she was on the beach. I know she was on the beach getting lit up with John, the Stanley Steemer of the North. Luann says that meeting Tom was like finding home again. She literally found a home again. She knew she’d marry him within one week of meeting his penthouse.
Luann: There’s no one else I’d rather track down at the Regency.
As the wedding proceeds, Luann says that she’s lucky and her dad dropped Tom down from heaven for her. It’s a sweet thought but you’d think he’d have picked one guy who wouldn’t sniff at anything with a faint pulse and choking fetish. The wedding officiant starts the ceremony by saying that love is reckless and will turn you upside down like a slingshot on the boardwalk of life or something like that. It sounded kinda cray but accurate.
Officiant: On a scale of one to ten, how high are you? I’m totally at a 7.
Bravo fast forwards through the wedding with clips of Farrah Abraham jumping out of a cake as Marilyn Monroe. It had lips and blonde hair so I’m guessing it was her. Luann is in a mariachi hat and she says that finding Tom gave her someone to play with and she loves her playmate. Oh, he will too, Luann. He. Will. Too.
Bethenny and Carole are walking through an unusually warm Chinatown in December as Carole says Trump calls global warming a myth perpetrated by the Chinese. Bethenny is totally on point when she says that maybe she shouldn’t say that out loud. Their dim sum might have a little sum-sum extra in it if they hear that. At lunch, Carole says that there are other rumors about Tom and they imply that he may be gay. They’re venturing into weird territory with that one. I mean, it’s not beyond reason because I’ve wondered why a 50 year old man would suddenly want to marry but, you know, what’s Andy gonna think? Also, Adam has found a place and moved most of his vegetables and turtlenecks out of Carole’s apartment.
Dorinda and Ramona meet for lunch because the latter wants “all the deets” on the wedding. Yes, someone please cover her in all the DEET we can scrounge up. When Ramona sees a picture of one of Luann’s dresses she exclaims “that takes MY breath away” as if she’s a fashion icon and not the living embodiment of Grace Under Fire: The Golden Years. Dorinda mostly talks about being absent-minded throughout the wedding experience, needing a nap and not wanting to go to any more parties. She’s reaaaally selling this 50 plus club.
Bethenny and Carole are amazed at all of the dead animals hanging in the windows of Chinatown. Remarkably, they’re unfazed by the dead, Lisa Frank colored furs their circle of friends have been wearing for years. I like that these two are letting us watch the one meal they eat per week. This is sacred ground. They stop at what Bethenny calls the best ice cream shop in Chinatown and Carole asks what the blueberry lavender flavor tastes like. Uhhh, probably like Adam’s vegan splooge. At least Bethenny calls Carole boring to her face. She is kind of a snoozefest. She ends up picking chocolate, which is fine, but she is on some permanent diet of tranquilizers or something.
Sonja is rearranging her room to accommodate Edgar, AKA Frenchie, who’s moving into her house.
It’s not the first time Lady Morgan has passed out on a wee wee pad and it’s certainly not the last.
She didn’t want to pursue a relationship because he’s 39 and he’d want babies. He’s into adoption though and Sonja’s into bringing people into her home and emotionally abusing them so this will work out beautifully. Tinsley walks into the room and finds out that Frenchie is moving in. Since Edgar’s remodeling, Tinsley wants to at least remove the stuffed animals in her room so she doesn’t have to share her curling iron with the dust mites. Sonja’s not into it. It’s like Flowers in the Attic but blonder.
It’s time for Luann’s post-wedding celebration and Bethenny arrives 15 minutes late. She’s already given Kevin the directive to drag her out of there in less than two hours because she wants to put Bryn down. I don’t have kids but that phrase freaks me out when used on humans. It doesn’t matter that she’s late though because the event’s running on BT (Bravo Time). The venue looks like a hotel conference room used for corporate retreats and layoffs. There’s one table with a dying orchid and dollar store tablecloth and waiters are drifting in and out of broom closets serving vintage Ramona Pinot.
Dorinda finally gets there and is still complaining about having to put on a bra and leave her house. Bethenny says all of this celebrating is like Ramadan because she loves Twitter lectures. I did love when she walked in all alone and says it’s a party for all of the people who haven’t slept with Tom. The rest of the guests start to stream in and Ramona says the drab setting may be due to the couple running out of money. Ugh, I agree with Ramona on the lameness of this venue. I should self-ship to Singapore and request my lashes for that one.
John Mahdessian greets Carole by telling her he can shrink her outfit because that’s what everyone wants to hear from a dry cleaner. Tom and Luann chat with the girls and he says that his left shoulder definitely feels really heavy since he’s put on a ring. Then he says that Luann insisted on him wearing the ring. Considering his past, he should be wearing a pillory.
Sonja shows up with Edgar and Ramona makes a bed bug reference to Sonja’s house. See? Ramona needs the DEET! Aww, Frenchie gets Sonja wine! I’d move him in too. He’s helping to push Sonja off that wagon and I’m here for it.
Meanwhile, Tinsley is there with Chad who Ramona says is more appropriate for Avery because irony, thy name is woman who hangs out with teenagers. Carole says that Tinsley dating Chad is roughly the equivalent of her dating Adam but she’s not looking for a husband; she picked a man who could make her look energetic in comparison. Ramona brought her “friend” Jim who I believe is an extra she hired to save face in front of Tom. Tinsley shares info with Bethenny and Carole on Frenchie who’s busy impressing the extensions off of Ramona. I don’t even hear what he’s saying because they’re playing some French music that’s giving me flashbacks of the opening scene of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure in which he wins the Tour de France. Actually I watched it again and Edgar’s totally talking about riding a bike with a baguette so I was basically right on track.
Luann is mingling and pretending that she cooks for Tom. I believe her exact words were “I made him a pasta”. That was probably all they could salvage from the burnt pot. They probably ate it all Lady and the Tramp-ishly before Tom went to the Regency to pick up dessert – and food for Luann. Sonja greets Tom who looks weird as he’s confronted with all of that testosterone and butchered hair Frenchie’s serving. The only thing a bald man hates more than a guy with a full head of hair, is a guy who cuts it like he’s a stunt double in Dumb and Dumber.
“You know I run an anti-hair abuse charity!”
He tells Sonja that he wishes she could have been at the wedding and to fully express his happiness in marriage, puts Luann into a chokehold and kisses her.
Edgar: Is zees thee way Americans kees?
Sonja: Only if they have something to prove sweetheart.
Dorinda makes a toast to make up for her slurry boat speech from last year. If this speech were extra credit, she’d be spending the summer with Mark Harmon. She toasts to how good she feels, how much she doesn’t want to celebrate with them anymore and brings up all of the people who were left behind in NY. Tom takes over and does a pretty good job of cleaning up the malfunctioning T-2000 that is the Dorinda-nator.
Next week, Frenchie uses finger quotes so we know he means business. Sonja breaks the Frenchie news to Rocco. Tinsley and Carole discuss getting rid of those tired curls and Ramona wears a ponytail. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!
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