Cheerio everyone! MissKitty here to recap the second episode of Ladies of London!
First off, I want to thank all of you who commented. Your comments were brilliant! I laughed at them (“I thought Caprice was dead”; Caroline’s greasy-looking hair, the great “clotted cream” debate). I do read them, but I can’t comment, because I would then give away my secret identity of my other alias aka, NOT MissKitty. I’m glad you all are watching this lorry-wreck with me.
We open the show with an absolutely unheard-of event in England: RAIN. Juliet exclaims “Oh no! Rain!” Um. You DO live in England, right? Or as Caprice would say “royt?” She is flapping around her house, getting her daughter ready for school. Her daughter Georgina, who looks like she doesn’t particularly want to be on TV (SMART little girl!) has won a rainbow button for holding open the door for her “whole reception class”. Aw! Haha so cute. I think we should implement similar medals for grown-ups, don’t you? I’d love to, with great ceremony, deny one to the twatbag who let the elevator doors close the other day, with no semblance of pretending to be unable to find the correct button to press (which is what you do if you’re civilized). Juliet blathers on while her daughter already has assimilated the English expression of every living being within earshot of Juliet.
“Can you please stop talking now, Mummy?”
Juliet says that American moms are much more “hands on” than British mothers, which probably true. But also probably true: their special snowflakes are usually also the ones who stand on restaurant booth benches and for no fathomable reason emit high pitched screams that would make my dog paw at her ears. True story: My family was traveling in England to visit family, and while on the train, a small child began fussing and caterwauling. “That’ll do. That’s enough now” the mother said bending low near his ear in a quiet, menacing way, while clutching the child’s arm. The child shut up. There was no entreaty, no time out warnings. It was very impressive. Hey, it’s no accident that our country has a whole show based around having to have British Nannies come and get our nation’s children to shut the fuck up and stop acting like upright ferrets.
Thank you for saving our eardrums, one human and canine set at a time, Supernanny!
BTW: Georgina looks so cute in her little red coat!!
Heading on, we get a scene from:
It actually looks like a charming cozy place. Well, until we see Marissa poking around, grilling the bartender, “How is the new menu? ARE people LIKING it?” trying her BEST to INFLECT how it will SOUND most BRITISH. The guy has the put upon look any help has whenever the idle spouse decides to take an interest in the business and flit around asking stupid questions. It MAY be best to not pester the guy while he’s working, Marissa. Instead, perhaps be more like Lisa Vanderpump, who sits down with her staff outside working hours to get just that kind of information. You tend to make more money when you let your staff actually do their jobs, dimwit.
The dispenser has the unspoken idea
Marissa brags that when she was in New York she was opening up the hottest bars and nightclubs. Oh so maybe SHE can explain the sparkler on the bottle trend then. Naturally, then, because of her expertise, she wants to just pop in during the middle of service and give suggestions and orders. SMART! [NOT AT ALL!] Of course all the staff are compelled to kiss her ass, because she’s the “co-owner”. That’s probably the primary reason she went in to film there in the first place. She brags that with her background in “Luxury PR” (BWAH HAHAHA) she helped build her husband’s empire. She’s in mid-question about the “computers” when Juliet comes in and Marissa leaves the whole pretense of trying to look useful aside to go sit and take up a paying customer’s table.
“I make money by taking it away from the business!”
The ladies recount Polo in the Park, and Juliet says that they had “more fun than the Brits”; Marissa says that Americans almost always have more fun than the Brits. Really? Well, most of us find it more fun to watch Brits NOT having fun than you HAVING fun, since you’re a thumping bore (thanks Carole Radziwill!! LOVE YA!), but okay.
“So then, the paint DRIED!… Juliet?… Juliet?”
Juliet says the Brits need to “lighten up” because she’s flamboyant! and outspoken! “I yam who I yam!” and the favorite “Step aside [if you don’t like it]” All code for “I’m a massive cunt cake with no consideration for those around me, and if I irritate the fuck out of you, it’s your fault!”
“My mouth is incapable of ever closing!”
They ask if they are going to Serpentine, and they both are looking forward to it. Marissa calls it London’s prom, which is a really stupid analogy actually. It’s more like oh…opening night ANYWHERE within the exclusive social scene. It’s the opening of Serpentine Gallery’s newest exhibit, but really, it’s just an excuse to dress up, get your picture taken, and then bitch about the intrusive photographers some more. Plus there are cocktails and small plates. Know how I know that? BECAUSE THAT’S EVERY GODDAMN THING these people go to. They talk dresses and Marissa laments that her husband is running the bar so won’t be attending. We find out that Juliet isn’t so much invited—she’s working the party, as a “Fashion PR” person. She dressed some of the attendees. I guess this would also fall into the “I’m one of them” delusional category like when she partied next to Leonardo DiCaprio.
Our next scene are Noelle and Scottttttt (I’m rebelling) meeting up at the most frou-frou Rococo restaurant I’ve ever seen. It looks like the set of Delores Umbridge’s office at Hogwarts; I keep expecting to see a bunch of collector plates with meowing kittens on them all over the walls.
This place would give me a migraine
Scottttt solicitously asks Noelle what she’d like to drink, and Noelle causes another Polaner All-Fruit moment by saying “Yes, let’s get a drink, because I want to hear all about court.” The editors show the waiter and then Scottttt looking at her like [record scratch] “BITCH NO YOU DIDN’T!”
“Noelle just asked to pass the jelly again!!”
Scottt tells her that the latest is that his ex-wife seems to have run out of funds, so they need some kind of deferment or delay, anyway, zzzzz, something that is similar to the “crushing defeat” of last year where they couldn’t get married yet. Noelle brags that since he met her he’s wanted to marry her. And everyone watching is like “WE CAN SEE WHY”::dead silence:: I just can’t figure out what the biggest part of the attraction was: Was it the shallow, naked ambition? The steely overly-made up cold stare? The narcissism? And boy, someone dragging out an expensive temper tantrum he’s having with his ex-wife is certainly someone I’D love to marry too, wouldn’t you all?? At some point, having a ton of money just isn’t worth it to me, which is probably why I’m relatively un-affluent but still a halfway decent human being. These two just gross me out. Noelle says she’s looking for “flats” and Scottt suggests she look for a larger one that the two of them can share. Then Noelle says the phrase that makes my recapper eyes blink to the sound of jingling with dollar signs replacing my pupils when she says (devoid of any irony) “Like you’ve always said; we’re a pretty fabulous couple.” so she is contemplating that it may be okay to live together despite his divorce not being final yet. BAD MOVE. But GOOD MOVE for us. Also-who the eff says that? Hahahahaha. I love watching people who believe their own myths. It makes it that much more enjoyable when they inevitably crumble in a heap of failure.
I rethink my stance on being a decent person when I see Caprice’s house. GOD that’s gorgeous.