Hello there my dears! MissKitty here to recap our favorites in Chucktown. MissKitty has been floating on a cloud of hand-clasping, sighing, body-wiggling, randomly-laughing delight the last few days, because her beloved Washington Capitals WON the Stanley Cup!!! Finally. So happy for them, and my city. This week, Ashley finally understands her place in Thomas and Kathryn’s lives and those of their children, wisely stepping aside and… oh who am I kidding? That basket of hay hair is STILL having a sulky tantrum. Say it with me just to get the party started: Shut up, Ashley. Saint is having a birthday party, Cam has Palmer zzzz, Chels relives some memories, Shep has knee surgery, Austen navigates a relationship with Victoria, Craig brags about being a liar, and once again Naomie KILLS it with a deadpan perfect response that makes MissKitty love her like she loves warm chocolate brownies. Let’s go!
We open back on Hilton Head, with Austen getting dumped by Victoria.
Victoria, you made him close his mouth. Please break up with him more often.
Ashley is in her “I’m a helpless dumb dumb” voice-ah, where every thing she says-ah has that-ah effect on it-ah and begs Whitney to go into the hot tub with her. Naomie, my hero, takes Kathryn away in disgust. Hint: If you’re over the age of 13, don’t do the “ah” on your sentences. It makes you look like a fucking idiot.
aka Exhibit A
Austen takes Chels to talk about THE PHOTO and Chels is baffled by the “kissing the shoulder” accusation.
“Do what now?”
Here’s a little hint though. Dr. Phil always says: “If you wouldn’t do something in front of your [significant other], then it’s inappropriate behavior.” I love Chels, but Austen is just a friend. Unless you hang onto your girlfriends when you’re cold, then cut the horseshit. I know 98% of people would disagree with me “Victoria needs to be more secure!” “Austen and Chelsea are just friends!”, but sorry– You ain’t just friends at that point.
The next morning, everyone (and the kitchen- jesus christ) looks a little worse for wear. Danni goes to wake up Kathryn.
Who looks hungover but isn’t
It turns out Kathryn is a sleep-eater. Danni hilariously says “dang girl!”
Haha my thoughts exactly. But she who has NOT pigged out on chips and improvised s’mores while watching TV must cast the first stone. Yeah. THOUGHT SO.
Kathryn asks Danni to hold her, and Danni points out that there’s chocolate in he bed. Whitney, because he’s 63 years old, is impatient to get up and get moving.
“I’ve been up since 5am eating my half a grapefruit and reading the newspaper. It’s already 9am. You’ve slept half the day away!”
Austen and Craig stumble into the kitchen, and Chels yells at Craig to pull his drawers up, because his “pecker’s about to come out”. Said in her drawl, it made me laugh. Craig blearily recounts a dream where he had a girlfriend again. “Are we back together?” he asks groggily. “No” Naomie says. Aside- the wonderful palette Naomie uses to paint her various “No”‘s are spectacular.
The room busts out when Craig asks if she’s still his girlfriend
In a totally NON producer-set-up moment (side eye), Chelsea says she’s going to take them all by her old house. Naomie nods, as if to say “Yes. We are correctly setting up our next scene.”
She’s so freaking adorable
Everyone has left before the blue doomer twins start getting ready.
The happiness just RADIATES off the screen with these two
They go around the house, amazed that all the film crew and everyone laughing and saying goodbye right outside their door meant that everyone indeed left. God they’re bad actors.
“Oh. My. Gosh. They’re. Not. Here.”
Shep visits with his mom, and these two curly cuties:
Fran, his mom, has put out lunch fixings, since she correctly guesses that Shep hasn’t eaten. We see him as a child.
The Modern Doll Family: Wealthy White Privilege Set (accessories sold separately)
Shep jokes that the refrigerator looks really bare, as Fran exclaims that they just got back into town after being away for five months.
Meanwhile, some poor family is wishing their refrigerator could looks so bare
As if for contrast, Chelsea drives the girls to her old neighborhood, where she, her brother, and her mom moved in with a guy who was her de facto stepfather.
Back at Casa de Smooth Sailing, Shep says he wants to get a French Bulldog. His mom wisely says he has no business getting a dog. Say what you want about Shep, but his family does seem to have their collective heads on straight. Shep mentions his knee surgery and when he says Kathryn is going to pick him up, Frances makes a sourpuss face about it.
Calm the fuck down. Why does everyone act like she killed and ate the mayor?
Shep says he notices that Kathryn is doing a lot of “little things” that are starting to add up to her being a very reliable person. Fran asks about his nose. Shep says he is trying to work on his anger issues, and admits that he’s not a conventional person who can handle a serious relationship. His mom doesn’t seem to GAF. And she shouldn’t. Lady, if you were to express any displeasure about your practically perfect life of abundance, it wouldn’t be a good look.
Back at Chelsea’s trip down memory lane, they have arrived at the house she grew up in. Naomie says “aw” and all the girls pile out to see the driveway where Chelsea holds fond memories of her “stepdad” (in name- they never actually were married). She suddenly gets emotional and walks away, crying. Chels relays the story of how her stepdad died, forcing her mom, brother and her to really struggle financially. She said the change in circumstance was “mind blowing” and she says it’s why she has always been independent. Her mom taught her to always be able to rely on yourself.
You did good, girl- don’t be sad
Yep. Good advice, Chelsea’s mom! Otherwise you risk turning into a creature like Ashley: always clawing and fawning and being a hideous gold digger. You can tell that this is a wake up call for Kathryn.
Dawning realization- Except don’t worry. Your kids will aways be fine!
Chels arrives back home, calling for Tyson to come say hi.
Life goals: Having someone who will look at you like Tyson looks at Chels
Craig is making a storyboard for his therapy homework.
It looks as full of clarity and focus as Craig’s life. As in, not at all
Austen puts the extent of his personality away
As interesting as this one gets
It’s morning, and Kathryn is picking Shep up to get his knee repaired. She tells him about Saint’s upcoming party and that Ashley is not coming. She confesses that she told Thomas she doesn’t feel comfortable about Ashley being around her kids. Thomas agreed. She asks Shep about his love life and says not many people get her, but Shep does. She says she feels safe with him.
Shep should really take that as a compliment
They joke about post-surgery care. Three hours later, Shep is wheeled out, looking high AF hahaha
I’ll have what he’s having please
Austen is picking up dinner for him and Victoria, saying that since Hilton Head, things have de-escalated. He comes over and greets Frank, Victoria’s scruffy dog.
Okay- she named her dog Frank. Haha. I think I like her
Austen is really trying, and Victoria seems pleased.
Awww- He seems to like Austen….’s chicken
They start discussing Hilton Head. Austen has a way of making things sound 10 times worse with all his stuttering. Meanwhile, Frankie doesn’t give a FUCK.
“blah blah blah Chelsea yadda yadda yeah yeah blah… you going to finish that chicken, hole mouth?”
Victoria brings up THE PHOTO and asks if he thinks it’s appropriate, respectful body language? Um.. again, maybe I’m too much of a possessive bitch, but I KINDA see her point.
Close your mouth. Christ in an apron
He says Chelsea meant it in no way romantic. Victoria gets on his ass about defending her. Victoria brings up some comment that was made about “sneaking into his room” or something? Why didn’t the producers show us this??? Austen laughs and blames social media. Victoria says if he thinks no boundaries were crossed, then there’s little she can do. He says she’s scrutinizing the picture more than it needs to be, and asks if they can move past it. “For the time being” Victoria begrudgingly says.
I have a sneaking suspicion you’re going to be making that face about him frequently
It’s the next day, and Shep is tending to his knee. Bedridden, he calls Cam, who is recovering from giving birth to Palmer.
Does this bitch ever look bad? Even having just given birth, she’s gorgeous
We find out
Fuck. That. Shit.
Cam says Palmer is “on the boob”.
Fuck. That. Shit.
Fuck. That. Shit.
Craig is next, going to his life coach Laura’s.
“I am happy to see you. By the way; I lie all the time”
He explains his collage, as Laura’s brow furrows and she realizes she might have bitten off more than she can chew with this scatterbrained guy.
Laura seeing that this maybe needs to be more “Ritalin and pray” therapy
He reveals his opportunity to design pillows for Patricia. We see an agonizing flashback of him whining to the least sympathetic person on television his difficulty in designing. He says he’s scared of fantasizing of what could be, rather than just doing it.
“You mean like running a bourbon business or law school? Like those?”
Then Craig proudly reveals his greatest talent. Lying.
“I *always* follow through on my lying!”
Laura’s face is basically everyone’s
What the hell is wrong with you?
Craig says he understands the human psyche so much that he’s able to steer them a certain way.
Hm. Maybe you WILL be a good lawyer after all. Orrrr maybe just a sociopath
Laura says the next session will be to find out why Craig lies. Oooo this should be good.
Next, it’s Saint’s birthday. At Kathryn’s Saint comes running in.
Thumper always said if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
Kathryn reveals the humiliation she felt being a guest at her own son’s birthday the year before.
She dresses him in a giant bow tie
Over at Thomas’s, he comes in and Ashley’s reading the paper. She coos that she loves that he still reads a newspaper. Yes, because he’s 152 years old.
“I love reading the paper with my Pop Pop!”
Ashley starts grilling him about the birthday party. She whines that she still feels bad from “emotional stress”.
I love it when people complain about “emotional stress” THEY THEMSELVES CAUSED
As Ashley melodramatically relays that she was fighting for him, Thomas starts cynically laughing right in her face about it, telling her sometimes fighting is counterproductive.
You forget you’re dealing with a totally manipulative bastard, you bim- he’s seen it all
Ashley brings up the party AGAIN, and says the text about her not being around the children really hurt her. “Too bad” Thomas says.
Excuse me a second. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! Couldn’t happen to a nicer cameltoe. Okay. I’m done.
Then, because Ashley is so fucking stupid, she gives Thomas the keys to the kingdom by letting it slip that she doesn’t want Kathryn around him- that she “doesn’t trust her”. Thomas pounces on it like a rat on a pizza crust and basically continues laughing in her transparent face.
Sometimes, I really can’t decide which one of you is more vile
Ashley sees her dollar signs smirking and sallying away, and so she clings to his hand like he’s a life raft cord and again, doesn’t read the room right. Don’t you feel stupid? The supposedly “crazy” one almost ten years’ your junior handles that old drunkard better than you do. Ashley is going home to Santa Barbara, and Thomas says it’s good to get some time apart. Ashley begs for his hand back, and Thomas refuses.
Enjoy your money, if you snag this guy. Because it’ll be the only thing that loves you.
He tells her to chill her intensity. He tries to say that maybe her intensity makes Kathryn react badly, but like the dingbat that she is, she just snits that she’s done talking about Kathryn. She wants to talk about THEM. Thomas does the universal eye roll of every immature dickhole guy on the planet who would rather get his balls kicked in.
“Cild’nt you jest net-pench me instead?”
It’s party time. Kathryn arrives with the kids in tow. Thomas may be a gross human being to adult women, but he does seem to be universally a good dad to Kensie, who clearly adores him.
She’s just the cutest
They go to a place called Play Garden, which looks like a Color Me Mine Studio. I’m not sure what the theme is, but it seems like a nice normal place to have a little kid’s birthday party instead of over-the-top bullshit they won’t even remember. Looking at YOU Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Thomas and Kathryn get stuff ready. The guests start arriving. I’m still confused by what this place is. For instance:
This looks totally unsafe. Is it for decoration??
Everything looks rickety as fuck
Chelsea and Austen share a warm greeting. She sneaks a decoration on his head, and he doesn’t notice. But then he cracks up. Austen- just FYI- you seem to light up whenever you see Chelsea. Just sayin’. The kids (and it’s a small party) gather around to craft. It’s actually a calm, sedate little party, compared to one at say, Chuck E. Cheese, where someone with oh… I don’t know… a developmental issue prone to sensory overload cough::Saint?::cough- would instantly melt down, confronted with the loud beeping and lights and giant terrifying mouse character. Kathryn is excited and touched that everyone is finger painting too. Danni hilariously asks if Craig is coming, saying “this is his jam” (hahahaha!), and Naomie whips out her phone to track him. Danni’s face is everything.
“I know it’s horribly inappropriate, but it’s funny as shit”
Thomas tries to take pictures of Saint an Kensie, and typically, they run and shy away. MissKitty knows this well about kids both human and furry. It’s why her barn owner had to install a whinnying app on her phone so the goddamn horses’ ears will go forward in pictures instead of sitting out to the side like mule ears. Pizza arrives, and Thomas plunks a huge slice down for Kensie. The kids start blowing horns, and Wilson is typically sedate about it. Just kidding.
“A horn moment! Gurrrl! Ev’thang! OMG!”
As the painted children blow their loud horns, Danni asks “Doesn’t this make you want kids?” Naomie, because she is my spirit animal twin from another mother, awesomely and emphatically says “No.” Hahahahaha!
Saint is (tellingly?) sitting with Kathryn playing away from the din, and Thomas joins them. It’s a sweet moment. Thomas interviews that he’s seen her step up as a mom and seen a lot of improvement. It’s present time!
Craig makes every parent want to murder him vicariously, because he bought Saint a keyboard and Kensie a Karaoke machine, which is fantastic, because I could see myself doing that. Kathryn interviews that she is glad that she and Thomas are finally at the place where he seems to respect her. As everyone cheers, Kensie cutely claps hard.
She is by far my favorite Bravo kid!! She’s such a sweetie
Next, Kathryn brings a care package and some soup for Shep. Shep interviews that her work outfit is hot. He says she has “something”. Yep, because she’s a Leo. HOLLAAA! He opens the box of goodies to find gummi bears, and a voicebox that says “naughty naughty naughty”.
Love seeing them share their weird, silly sides!
Shep and she goof around, and he calls her out for being on Bumble. She cracks up. Unfortunately she admits in her interview that her head sometimes does go to a place that wonders why it couldn’t work with Shep. Oh girl. Oh no.
Next, Ashley comes over to Thomas’s house with subs. He instantly gets her a cocktail, because apparently he can’t interact with anyone without fucking alcohol. She starts grilling him about the party. She asks “was it his best one yet?” Well, since he’s only had TWO, it’s a little premature to ask, don’t you think, genius? Anyway, everyone can see she’s just waiting to pounce with something unkind to say, which doesn’t take long.
That Cunt Train’s never late! Choo Choo!”
Ashley starts arguing that they were never a family.
I’m sure his children will just LOVE seeing this eventually
She says that Kathryn is living in a fantasy world. Ummm…. no skank- that would be YOU. Thomas starts getting pissed.
Oh no. If he starts quoting Broadway, you best leave and pack your ass back to California
He says in no uncertain terms that if she starts disrespecting Kathryn, she’s disrespecting him and his kids. And for once, he’s absolutely right. Ashley says she feels disrespected too. Thomas urges her to back off. God she’s such a fucking selfish asshole. She continues to argue with him, denying that she’s emotionally charged. He warns her that she needs to take it down a notch if she’s going to get along with anyone down there. Then we see why she’s upset. She brings up “the other night” and we see Thomas being Thomas, aka being a gross old roue.
Enjoy Ashley! This is what you’re hitching your crazy wagon to
She starts bickering about how late he stayed out. He argues he likes to blow off steam with “his friends”. Ashley says he’d be the first guy who didn’t want to come home to her.
He says she wants to go home to hang out with her friends, and instead of conceding his point, she threatens not to come back. Thomas shrugs and says “go ahead”. WOW. What a FUN relationship!
Thomas looks REALLY worried, there, golddigger
So what did you all think? This was a boring episode. Also, I apologize, because I SWEAR I read that Thomas and Ashley broke up, but it seems like their relationship is still on. Which would explain why she’s literally wasting away in public. Pssst- he doesn’t love you. And also? I would bet if he became destitute, you wouldn’t really love him either, so it’s actually perfect. Carry on. Anyway, let me know your thoughts, and keep that tea coming!
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