Hey y’all- Ready for Hilton Head part two? I am! This week we get to see Ashley and Thomas be their hideous, foul selves writ large. KDenn miraculously keeps her cool against a barrage of thundercunt, Danni is en fuego, Chels gets to see Thomas in one of his coke rages, Shep makes a startling announcement, and Austen gets dumped. Let’s go! Housekeeping- MissKitty is again hoarse, as she screamed at Vicki “I’VE NEVER BEEN WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS!” Gunvalson-levels during Game 3 of the Stanley Cup finals last night.
We pick right back up to Ashley’s fight with Kathryn over Saint’s birthday party. The guys all have scuttled away like a bunch of pansies, while Ashley flips her hair and basically twats all over the table. She rants about some nonsense about the kids having a hard time after visits with Kathryn (which could be because they want to see her more often) and says that it’s going to be worse once she sees them more.
Yeah, pretty much everyone’s face at this point
You are a BITCH
Kathryn says Ashley better shut the fuck up, and Ashley squints and says “you better watch yourself”. KDenn awesomely retorts “Or what?” because like everyone with a working brain cell, she understands that Ashley is an idiot. Danni scornfully laughs and says “don’t threaten her!”
It takes a lot to get this girl mad. Congrats, Ashley
Ashley, the Yacht Girl pussy for hire disdainfully says she doesn’t respect Kathryn. Kathryn says “Okay. Good to know.” Thomas finally ambles over and Danni hisses that he better shut his tramp ho the fuck up. Whitney, who has remained silent all this time jokes that he might have to do an intervention.
Wow. You’re about as useful as an asshole with taste buds.
Whitney must have discovered spirituality or maybe some excellent blood plasma to drink, because he’s oddly sanguine sitting next to this scene.
“I just had some delicious O-Negative”
While Thomas sits like a drunken toadstool, Ashley spills about what the Nanny says and how Kensie can’t sleep and basically how that means that Kathryn is a bad mom. Hey you ugly (yeah, she is an ugly skank) bitch- maybe MAYBE if you had concerns about Kensie you should talk to Thomas privately so he can talk to Kathryn and see about dealing with it with some therapy or some kind of solution, not scream at a table full of people about it. I don’t recall you saying much about the poor children otherwise- we only see you simper that you want to marry Thomas like an annoying toy that malfunctioned. Just a thought–maybe instead of spending $10,000 of his money on yourself, maybe try to get along with the mom of his children, who by the way, owes you NOTHING until you’re an actual step parent. I can’t stand this idiot. Danni hilariously mimics her flipping her hair for the 93rd time.
Haha I love Danni
Thomas interviews that he doesn’t want to “disrespect Ashley” by pulling her away from the table (how about not disrespecting everyone else in the country? TAKE THAT BITCH off camera) but he also doesn’t want Ashley disrespecting the mother of his children.
Too late. Also, what the fuck did you think would happen you drunken fool?
Danni drags Thomas away to scream at him. Ashley asks Kathryn about why she wasn’t at the hospital when Saint had his adenoids removed. Kathryn interviews “Bitch. I wasn’t allowed to go, because Thomas told me I wasn’t allowed to go, because guess who’s in control. Thomas.”
Ashley won’t stop, and she continues. Naomie says “don’t answer anymore” and Ashley turns on Naomie. Danni comes back full force, saying she should walk away, because no one wants her sitting there anyway. BOOM!
If you put this expression on one of the least confrontational people on Reality TV, you fucked up.
There is a temporary bit of comic relief when they pan over to these two brave souls…
I’m not too sure you two would be useful in a crisis
Ashley meanwhile just keeps yelling “this is what I hear from the Nanny!” and like the living, breathing Stepford Wife she is, seems to malfunction and repeat “the Nanny! The Nanny! The Nanny! The Nanny!” over and over.
Thomas rushes over to push the circuit box cover back into place on his robot
Ashley then has a hissy fit and stomps off. Hilariously, both Craig and Austen shrink away, terrified that they’re coming over to them. At the table, Chelsea says “God damn” and Whitney says “I’m shocked” He then compliments Kathryn on how well she handled it.
Guess you had the wrong person being the out of control crazy one, huh, wax dummy?
Everyone gives Kathryn props. She interviews that two years ago no one would have talked to her but now everyone is banding around and it feels wonderful, which broke my heart a little.
You’ve come a long way- you should be proud!
Chels breaks down about the stuff that Ashley was saying.
I say it every week- but this girl is the shit. LOVE!!!
I’m loving the camaraderie everyone is showing her. Chels says “that’s an evil bitch right there”. WORD! Shep, Austen and Craig return to the table, hoping for a nutshell recap. The girls all Alpha a big “NO!” together, and it’s awesome! Kathryn looks legit in shock.
Once again, Andy Cohen’s favorite punching bag gets ratings
Out with Thomas, Ashley puts on an emoting martyred annoying whine-fest that is a feast to behold. She complains that she tried to show her “kind sweet self, and [she] kissed her ass and kissed her ass and kissed her ass…” And I couldn’t pay attention anymore, because I was too busy laughing my ass off.
Yeah, exactly when was that, you delusional whore-sack?
She asks how bad of a mother does she have to be for the courts to award custody to a convicted felon? Oh, I don’t know you stupid bitch, maybe flash back a mere 18 hours ago to driving through the town of RAVENEL where the dad is a multi-millionaire and ask yourself again? And again and again, since you like to repeat things apparently. She says she’s tired of everyone feeling sorry for Kathryn (to ease your “pain” over that, maybe watch the first three seasons and then shut the fuck up). Thomas is happy that she stuck up for him. As he calmly tells her to maybe not engage, Ashley is still talking about how all the girls ganged up on her in a self-pitying meltown calling them all “enablers”. Yeah… if THAT many people at once don’t like you… it MAY BE YOU. Also, the mere idea of her accusing them all of being enablers, when she is trying to marry a burnt-out alcoholic cokehead and become the biggest one in South Carolina, is the most delicious piece of hypocritical irony. Then I remember she’s a huge Trump supporter who loves Melania, so no surprises.
Danni meanwhile is still cracking me up, mimicking Ashley flipping her hair. hahahahaha. Naomie accurately predicts in a perfect imitation of her voice that she’s not going to leave. Austen asks if she has the balls to come back, and Naomie says “yes” (she’s a sharp cookie). Shep says he’s sorry all that happened. By the looks on his and Austen’s faces-they both look authentically shocked and disgusted- I think they got a rehash of the fight. Thomas and Ashley come back, and for once reading the table correctly, wisely sit inside to eat. Craig sweetly says Kathryn didn’t let it escalate because she’s sober and crushing life, and he’s just glad he didn’t have to come over. The girls bond with giggles over the idea of Craig saving the day. Aw poor Craig hahaha.
Ashley is still on her rant, and says she’s never fought for a man so much before. Well, probably because you’ve never had the brass ring of a rich guy dumb enough to make you his girlfriend before. To the shock of I’m sure all, she talks about marriage.
“I don’t think I mentioned it more than 73 times, but I’d marry you if you asked. It’s only been 3 hours since I told you, but just in case you forgot, I’d marry you”
The girls go pee, and Austen takes Chelsea over to the fire pit to admit that he and Victoria are back together. She takes it well, and they both say they love each other and are great friends.
We’ve all been there. Loving someone but it not being the right time/place
Shep goes to suss the lay of the land aka talk to Thomas and Ashley. Ashley starts off seeming normal, and then her true colors come out, and you see the kernel of realization that this one is crazy.
Hint: When the easiest person on the show to get along with has this face when you’re talking to that person, you fucked up.
Ashley (who has been in the picture three solid MONTHS), says she sees things that Shep doesn’t know. Shep smartly points out that there is history that only Thomas and Kathryn know that Ashley doesn’t know. She tries to argue with him. Wow. This bitch really is dumb. Shep says as much when he interviews that “For Christs’ sake, she’s 33 years old” and should know better. He calls it outrageous, unfair and unkind. YEP.
They all get on the ferry. Ashley slurs for Austen to keep his head there so she doesn’t have to look at Kathryn. Good lord. Grow the fuck up. Whitney the shit stirrer asks Ashley what they want to do, since Chels doesn’t want them in the house tonight. Chels says it’s up to Kathryn. Thomas, finally getting his balls, after not having them for the whole evening erupts on poor Chels.
Everyone ELSE is the enabler… RIGGGHHHHHT
Chels looks genuinely terrified.
Don’t you be scaring my Chels!!! Fucking alcoholic piece of abusive shit RAPIST
Austen steps in FINALLY. Danni yells at Ashley not to smirk over it. Ashley repeats “enabler” about 20 times.
Shouldn’t you just be repeating “Me Me Me Me Me?” crazytown?
Austen, making me cheer, says that Ashley not de-escalating the situation speaks volumes about her character, which is fucking trash.
Wow Ashley. When you have made this guy likable AND closed his mouth, you’re really batting 1,000
Austen sits with Chels, who says it’s scary as shit. Kathryn says these people are all seeing the Thomas that she knew. And she points out how GROSS it is that Ashley loves it. She says they’re PDA-ing up like a motherfucker, saying “you guys are SICK” and compares them to an unhealthy mental hospital room couple.
GAME. SET. MATCH. TOURNAMENT. SERIES. YEAR. LIFE. KATHRYN DENNIS
That’s probably the BEST description I’ve ever heard. And it’s SO TRUE. And disgusting.
Whitney goes to cheer him up. Ashley meanwhile does the compulsive coke-face lick of her teeth. Thomas apologizes to Chelsea.
God you both are insane
Austen and Chels accept his apology weakly. The gang returns to the house. Shep leaves to go to a friend’s bar, but everyone else stays in. Thomas accurately says “I look like shit” (yeah, all the time! Funny, isn’t it). Whitney leaves to probably stay at his own accommodations. Out on the porch, KDenn looks like she hasn’t given up the PFunks (Parliament cigarettes), and Danni asks Thomas if Ashley really thinks she’s an enabler. “What neighborhood?” Thomas mumbles. Oh alcohol induced dementia.. you are a delight! Ashley tries to talk to Chelsea as Chelsea is going upstairs to go to bed. Chels is NOT HAVING IT. Ashley keeps on her tirade, punctuating it with “CHELSEA!” in a condescending way. Chelsea laughs in her face and says she just wants to go to bed. It’s spectacular.
Burning Bridges 101 with Ashley Jacobs, Professor Moron, Cokehead Enabler
Back on the porch, Kathryn says Ashley needs to go away. Thomas tries to excuse her behavior as being Italian and passionate, slurring and making no sense.
Finally, it’s the next morning. Craig and Austen make breakfast. The girls rehash the night before. Thomas and Ashley wake up. Ashley conveniently “forgets” everything that happened the night before. Oh don’t worry honey. Your cuntiness is immortalized forever. Danni says she actually feels a little bit bad for Ashley, because as she rightly points out, everyone is going to hate her.
That’s why I’m a recapper and you’re not. I don’t feel one ounce of sympathy for that bitch.
Meanwhile she’s going
“Cheers to making everyone forget about how much they hated me Season One”
The rest of the girls are my spirit animals as Naomie goes, you don’t recover from this “BYE” and Chels relays the conversation on the stairs, culminating in the understatement of the century:
“She ain’t right”
Hahahahahaha!!!!! Thomas tries futilely to talk some sense into her. She keeps interrupting him about “speaking her truth” and a bunch of other nonsense. OH… knowing (spoiler alert!) that she got dumped by him is scrumptious.
“I’m gettin’ tired of you, man hands”
Kathryn joins the girls. She points out how disturbing it is that those two are with her children all the time. It is when you think of it. They go down to eat. Chelsea is again my spirit animal, when she says “it schmellsch delicshiousch!” Haha MissKitty’s mom and sister sometimes go through phases where we do our s’s that way. Thomas and Ashley come down and Ashley is back simpering “Oh my gosh thenk you so much!”
Take your fake tits and your fake personality and shove them
Ashley opens a bottle of champagne, and Kathryn’s look is the best haha.
They marvel at how Ashley is acting like nothing is wrong. She says hi to Chelsea and Chelsea politely and frostily says hi back. They ask about Whitney, and Chelsea calls out “He’s hanging upside down in the closet!” STOP STEALING MY LINES! HAHAHA. Note- MomKitty very cutely asked “Do you think she reads your recaps?” Aw. No, but it would be amazing. Whitney went already to get breakfast. The gang splits up to go crabbing and fishing: Chels, Austen, Danni and Naomie and Craig, Shep and Kathryn respectively. Personae non gratae Thomas and Ashley decide to stay home and “chill”. Ashley wraps herself around Thomas like a squid.
Craig, Shep and Kathryn leave, Craig joking that they can live out their Gilligan’s Island fantasy. Kathryn says she can be Ginger. Craig says he’s of course Gilligan. It’s funny to me that those two even know what that show is. Shep says Ashley doesn’t have a whole lot going on upstairs. Hahaha. Kathryn says the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top. Craig says it stops on random floors and Kathryn says “and unloads”.
Naomie, Chels, Danni and Austen leave, and Naomie hilariously recounts how Ashley was repeating a mantra of “This is why we’re perfect for each other…” She concludes that he’s easily manipulated.
Ashley goes to lie down and kisses Thomas grossly in front of Whitney. Whitney says Thomas has his hands full. He disapprovingly asks about what prompted Ashley’s outburst. Thomas agrees that it may not have been her place to do so. Thomas is dumbfounded that Kathryn kept her cool.
Yeah- did you ever think that maybe it’s your FRIEND that’s the problem?
Thomas says maybe she has changed. And Whitney utters a guilty sounding “oh shit” and both have an uncomfortable laugh.
“You mean WE were the assholes, all along?” America: “Yes”
Kathryn, Shep and Craig hook up with Michael, Shep’s long-time friend on his “Papa Bear” boat to do some fishing. Chels, Austen, Naomie and Danni meet up with Chris, Chelsea’s old friend. Austen comments on the chilly weather being ominous, saying it’s the setting for horror movies. He then dorkily turns dramatically to Chelsea. It made me LOL.
Twice in one episode I can stand you. It IS like a horror movie.
Shep catches what looks like a baby shark. Kathryn sweetly calls it a little nugget and asks if the shark is scared. They throw it back.
The crabbers park in some shallow water. Chelsea’s Southern accent is really coming out, and Austen teases her. The fishers are excited, because Craig has one. Hilariously, it’s a rock. Craig’s a good sport about it and laughs.
Craig kind of encapsulated this season haha
The crabbers are hauling up some good blue crabs. When one spills to the deck, Naomie awesomely catches it with her boot and puts it into the bucket.
Smooth moves there
Ashley back at the house brushes Thomas’s hair with what looks like a fucking doll brush. What is with this bitch and primping him? It’s SO annoying. She talks to him in baby talk and he looks up like a disgusting old baby.
To anyone not sure they can throw up- you’re welcome
She’s painting his toenails.
Good fucking Christ.
Back fishing, Craig tells Kathryn she has something in common with Crazy Girl. She’s not happy, and he tells her about Ashley not taking any birth control.
The face you make when it hits you that your kids may have stepbrothers or sisters from a complete lunatic
Thomas asks Ashley if she regrets anything about her fight. Ashley proudly says no, and says the cliche about never wrestling with pigs. You get dirty and the pig likes it. Since he loves spouting platitudes, you can see how he likes this trashbag.
“Do you know the one ‘I’d rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special’?”
The fishers laugh over the idea of Ashley getting anything from Thomas if she were to get pregnant. The guys conspire to buy some fish on the way home.
The crabbers pull up to leave, but not before Austen and Chels participate in SHOULDERGATE. Chels is huddled next to Austen freezing.
Dun dun DUNNNN
Everyone returns home as the chefs prepare to cook their respective hauls. “Did you have a fun time today with me doing nothing?” Ashley asks Thomas.
Needy, dumb, boring, with a terrible personality. What’s not to love?
The crabbers got a good amount! Orchid, the chef looks thrilled. The fishers come back with their store-bought catches.
Love her dress- until I find out, it’s actually a jumpsuit- which makes me love it times infinity!!!
Ashley cutely (as in not at all) complains that they’ve all been waiting 5 hours for dinner. Craig walks away muttering “nice”. Craig has run out of clothes, and gives himself a pep talk about it. Everyone is mystified how Craig could run out of clothes in two days, and how he could shave his chest. Orchid makes Mai Tais that look delicious. On the next appetizer, Ashley mewls to Thomas to feed her.
Naomie’s face is all our faces
She then HYSTERICALLY mimes gagging. “Feed yourself. You’re like thirty-something years old” hahahahaha. Kathryn arrives looking beautiful. While Thomas vainly tries to ask everyone about Cam’s baby, Ashley has to suck every second of his attention away and begs to take a selfie. We soon see why. Thomas is transfixed by Kathryn’s ass in her leather pants, and Ashley is simmering like a cray cray pot of boiling vagina.
Shep comes to talk to Thomas, and his face when Thomas says Ashley gave him a pedicure is priceless.
“Pull yourself together for God’s sake”
Shep asks how long the polish will stay on. Ashley snarks as long as she wants it to. Shep can barely hid his disgust. Thomas and Ashley awkwardly bicker about who the boss is. Shep has seen enough, and since Ashley reads rooms about as well as she probably reads her Nicholas Sparks and Danielle Steel novels, she sarcastically says “Good chat” as Shep walks away. Shep says her confrontation with Kathryn has made her in her own mind the biggest badass in Hilton Head. She thinks she’s adorable as she orders Shep to get her a chilled shot of tequila. Shep complies with a grossed out look on his face. He goes over to Kathryn, Danni and Naomie and confesses:
“I fucking HATE her”
Danni says she has never heard Shep say that about anyone. Neither have I actually. It is unprecedented. He continues, hitting the arm of his chair for emphasis. I. Don’t. Like. Her. And she has this irrational confidence. It’s AWESOME!! Shep says “she’s on her way out.” And calls her a pariah.
Take a good look, Ashley. This gangly peacekeeper is nice to everyone. And he hates you. Good job.
The food is ready and it looks amazing. Whitney ill-manneredly digs into the flounder. Craig micromanages the crabs (being from Lewes, I’d bet he has eaten a lot of crabs- I’d listen to him). Shep sweetly serves Kathryn and gives her an affectionate kiss on the side of her head. Thomas fixes his and Ashley’s plate, and she loudly exclaims “EWW-eh! I don’t like the one with the tail!”
Please get this nincompoop off television. Please. Anyone.
They go to sit down only to find that there aren’t enough chairs. Kathryn (ironically) says to scoot down. “Nope” Naomie says, because she’s a fucking gangster chick. Ashley minces around the table, and then it happens. The third thing that made me love Austen this show. He calls to her “Ashley” and she turns around all smug and hopeful, “Will you get me a beer?” he asks.
Ah hahahahahaha! (Deep breath) hahahahaha!
She finally huffily brings in a chair from outside and then makes a complete irritating spectacle out of herself with Thomas as he winces in embarrassment. Shep can barely stand her as he tries to give a toast. He and Chelsea thank everyone for coming and everyone thanks them back, while Thomas is engaged trying to stop his toddler of a girlfriend from disrupting the entire table.
Then Victoria calls. Uh oh. Victoria is not happy about Austen and Chels cuddling up on the boat ride. Austen hems and haws and does his usual guilty sounding prattling.
Austen is in troubleeeeee
Victoria basically dumps him. I have to say, I wouldn’t be too keen on dating Austen either. He and Chelsea are definitely still into each other. At least it seems that way to me.
So what did you think??? Did you all grow to hate Ashley even more, like I have? I never thought I’d hate anyone as much as Landon (I think I said that before), but Ashley has managed. She is an awful, terrible person. NOTE- I have seen the photos of her recently, where she looks literally like she’s a skeleton. I think the girl has serious mental issues. One of which is she’s an angry fucking twat, but whether it’s an eating disorder, a drug habit, or some other health problem, she looks terrible. As of this recap, she and Shep apparently have mended fences, but it doesn’t excuse her behavior in this show. You can be ill AND a miserable nasty person. On that note…
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