Hi again, Trashmi!!!! Can you believe that we made it through this season? AND it ended up being so much better than we (well, I at least) thought it would be? Who woulda thunk?
Whatevs, Jeffrey. Even a broken watch is right twice a day. Or something like that.
ANYWAY……..we’re down to the last three hours of this season. Personally, I’m hoping that either Spencer or Tony will pull out the win (leaning more toward Spencer); both of these guys have played hard this season and I’m fairly certain I’ll be okay if either of them win it.
So I guess I’ll shut up now and get to the episode so I can find out if I’m happy or pissed!!!
Normally we would start out the finale with a long winded recap of the season from Probst which I would tell you I’m not recapping because I already recapped it the first time. But we’re deviating from tradition here and Jeff pops up in person to inform us that Tyler Perry told him that he needs to be featured more in the finales, so he’ll be popping in throughout the show to check in with us.
Now that Probst has announced his expanded role in the finale, we can get to the recap of the season that I refuse to recap! YAY! We revisit Spencer fighting for his life over and over and over again, Tony finding 2,567 idols, everyone hating Kass, and Woo considering doing something and then deciding not to.
We rejoin the final four as they return to camp Molar Pain after voting out Mrs. Ed and the others find out that Tony voted her ass outta there as well. Cass is confused as to why Tony would do that and he says it’s because he plays with strategery, not emotionerons like her. From a strategigacorical point of view, you just don’t take someone like Mrs. Ed to the end.
They all congratulate each other on getting to the final four and talk about how awesomely amazing it is to be them.
Yes, Spencer. I’m sure a lot of other people are amazed you’re still there as well. Spencer tells us that tribal was demoralizing when Tony pulled out that second idol. No one knows what the hell is going on with that and it sucks that Tony seems to have an endless bag o’tricks.
Tony tells Spencer that he knows if he didn’t have an idol he wouldn’t be making it to the finals; just like Spencer should know if he doesn’t have an idol his ass is getting voted outta there. Interestingly (or not) Tony does not mention this fact or say the same thing to Kass or Woo. Hmmmmm….I wonder why?
He then goes on to tell the others that he’s guaranteed to make it into the final three, and it’s pretty much up to him who’s gonna be there with him.
They’re just gonna have to wait and see what his super special magical idol does. So there
TRUTH. Kass chimes in and says she’s not sure the thing is usable at final four, but Tony is not telling nothing. So they’ll all just have to wait and see!!
Tony does let us in on the non secret that we all already know; the idol is useless and basically a souvenir at this point. So all he can do is bluff his ass off right now. Well that or win individual immunity.
The next morning Kass is talking to Tony about how evil Mrs. Ed is and Tony thinks Kass has just misunderstood Mrs. Ed. And anyhow, what does it even matter? Mrs. Ed is gone and Kass is there. Who cares about her capacity for hatred? Kass’ response to this is to tell us that Tony is an idiot.
She says Tony made a huge decision and a big blunder when he voted out Mrs. Ed because he thought people didn’t have the ability to dislike her. Kass thinks Mrs. Ed is universally disliked by the jury; everyone hates Mrs. Ed.
Now don’t get me wrong, I sort of kind of agree with Kass. I don’t think Mrs. Ed is beloved by all, but it cracks me up that Kass is the one pointing this out when her ass would definitely win the yearbook vote for most hated.
Is anyone else as sick of them talking about Mrs. Ed as I am?
Good thing we have other things to discuss. Like how impressed Kass is by all the idols Tony has found.
Yep. Kass is completely unimpressed by the 6,489 idols that Tony has found because beyond being great at the seeking part of hide and seek, Tony has done jackal this whole game. She says he was on a winning tribe the entire time, so he never had to fight for his life.
We’re not going to spend too much time discussing Kass’ philosophy of Tony’s game play because a boat is approaching. Tony says he hopes its food. Like maybe a picnic basket with some bread and cheese or something.
Yep. It’s their loved ones. Well, in the case of Kass, Spencer, and Woo at least. Tony gets a friend. I guess his mother’s cousin’s sister’s daughter’s husband was unavailable. He asks his buddy where his wife is, but then realizes that she wouldn’t leave behind a four month old to traipse off to a reality show.
Hey! I’m complimenting your wife! Shut it.
Kass admits that she cried when she saw her husband and then wins points (with me at least) by saying she’s not supposed to cry and asking where her devil horns are. Yeah, I love it when they make fun of themselves for crying so I don’t have to.
And here’s the thing: if I’m being really, really honest here……my ass would cry too. Now I’ll deny saying that if you ever tell me I said it, but I know I’d be a blubbering idiot if my sister showed up there. Just one more reason to add to my long list of reasons never to go on Survivor. My place is at home. On the couch. Mocking those who DO go on the show.
Once we check in and confirm that everyone’s blubbery over their loved ones, they sit down to dig in to their picnic. I am happy to report that all of their loved ones are smart enough to NOT eat any of the food. I would have hated to see them get the shit kicked out them after traveling all this way.
There’s also treemail in the picnic basket which tells them that if they’re afraid of heights they might be fucked. I take out my ever growing list and add reason 592.
Woo tells us that he is totes gonna win this immunity challenge. Not only that he can totally picture himself winning the million and proposing to his girlfriend, Christina Hamilton after he asks Christina Hamilton’s dad’s permission of course.
Kass and her hubby talk a walk so they can sit and chat about how far she’s made it in the game. She admits to him that everyone hates her fucking guts and she thinks it’s because she’s a woman. Her contention is that if she played the same game and was a man that people would think she was strategical. It’s only because she’s a woman that they think she’s a bitch.
We then check in with Spencer who’s telling his sis that he plans to fight fight fight and win win win. He’s not gonna have any regrets no matter what happens because he knows he will have fought as hard as he could and done all that he could to get to the end.
They all head out to the immunity challenge and normally we’d be heading over to a commercial, but first we have to check in with camera hog Probst. He says he is asked all the time
why he’s such a jackass what happens to the contest stands while this final two-hour finale is going. So for those you of dying of curiousity……
And then before FINALLY heading into our commercials Jeff tells us the immunity challenge is coming up next and it is going to be EPIC!! Sure it is.
We dramatically pan over the forest and though the mist to get to the final immunity challenge. Dun dun dun! So dramatic!!! But before we can get to the challenge Jeff has to check in with everyone to see how it felt seeing their loved ones. I wish one of them would ask him how he thinks it felt. What a stupid question.
Tony waxes poetic about alliances in the game versus alliances in life. And basically just reiterates again that it’s okay to promise anything in the game and not keep your promise but a for real in life promise is one you can ever, ever, EVER break.
Jeff asks Spencer sister to share one sentence that could possibly shed some enlightenment about just who Spencer is.
For those of us hoping that the loved ones have to compete in the immunity challenge….disappointment. They are just there to watch and cheer their family (or friend) on. Phooey! I was sort of hoping for a gross food challenge for the loved ones, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
For this challenge each person will be perched on top of a pole in the water and they’ll have to use a bucket to retrieve water and pour it into a chute so that a key raises enough for them to grab it. Then they’ll dive into the water, swim back to the beach, and use the key to unlock a set of puzzle pieces which they’ll use to solve, you guessed it, a puzzle.
Survivors ready? Go!
Tony and Kass are immediately freaking out about how high it is and apparently the pole is actually moving in the wind! I would make fun of them but I get panic attacks on a Ferris wheel, so I feel like maybe I should shut up here.
You know what? You’re right, Jeff! WIMPS!!!!!!
Of course Jeff feels the need to comment on how long it takes Kass to pull up her bucket of water only to then entirely miss her chute. I feel the need to comment that I am sick and tired of Jeff’s constant commenting. Shut the fuck up JEFFREY.
So Tony and Spencer pretty much pull ahead of Woo and Kass with Tony getting his key first. But instead of jumping right into the water he decides that it’s too high and elects to use the climb down method, losing valuable minutes. This lets Spencer get his key, dive in, and get back to the beach shortly after Tony.
So Tony and Spencer get started on their puzzle and I grin because I know Spencer has this in the bag; Tony SUCKS royally at puzzles. Meanwhile, Woo has now grabbed his key and is heading back to the beach as Kass continues to suck and bucket manipulation. In fact, she sucks so badly that she somehow manages to get her rope wrapped around the key pole and since you’re not allowed to use your rope to pull the key up, she has to climb down, untangle the rope and climb back up again.
Her hubby cheers her on the entire time, telling her not to give up and to keep trying. She finally gets her key and jumps into the water to head back to the beach. Surely Spencer is just wrapping up this whole puzzle thing, right?
Kass reaches the beach, unlocks her puzzle pieces and methodically begins assembling her puzzle. Tony is throwing puzzle pieces around in frustration, and Woo almost trips over one of his and miraculously it seems like it’s going to come down to Kass and Spencer as she gains on him pretty quickly. They’re down to the last two pieces and I’m chewing on my fingers, wondering who is going to pull out the win.
Spencer kicks one of his puzzle pieces in frustration while Kass straddles her husband and I throw up a little in my mouth.
Kass tells Jeff she just needed her hubby there to win it. Boo to Kass’ hubby! Obviously Spencer is bummed that he lost, but he tells us that losing to a brain dead weasel like Kass is THE WORST. I get the weasel part, but can we really call Kass brain dead?
Spencer is more determined than ever to play his ass off and find some way to stay in the game. For her part, Kass is humble about her win…..KIDDING!!! She tells us whipping Spencer’s ass in the challenge was the best part of her day and she can’t wait to send his butt home.
Once back at Molar Pain everyone congratulates Kass while she tells us it’s been her goal since flipping to go to the end with two brawn and she’s gonna do it. She’s beyond happy Spencer is going home because she thinks her chances against either Tony or Woo are pretty good.
Naturally Tony cannot pass up the opportunity to bitch yet again about how he has not been able to win immunity. I don’t know why he’s bitching and moaning about not being out to win immunity when he’s had 3,231 idols to keep him safe. But greedy immunity hog that he is it’s just not enough.
He reminds us that the other three are still under the impression that he can use his idol up until the final four and he’s certainly not about to edumacate them. He knows he’s safe but he reall really really really really really really really really really really really wanted to win that immunity necklace. SHUT UP!!!!!
Spencer asks Tony if at some point they can have a conversation, so off they go to have a little chat! Tony asks Spencer if he has a little trick up his sleeve or something, and Spencer says he has information that he thinks Tony will want to know. He thinks maybe this information will change Tony’s mind about who he should send home at the next tribal.
Spencer points out that, as any fan could tell you, what Jeff said before this last immunity challenge is not what he normally says before THE last immunity challenge. He didn’t even mention having a chance to plead their case to the jury for a chance to win the million so if you look at that it’s easy to deduce that there will be a final two this time, not a final three.
Tony tells us he knows Spencer’s a super fan so he’s listening to him and thinking that he’s making a little bit of sense. Spencer’s not done though; he goes on, telling Tony that it’s a no brainer that both Kass and Woo would get rid of him in a final two situation. They have to know there is NO WAY they could beat him. But if he keeps Spencer around, Kass will want to get rid of him over Tony. He also reminds him that there won’t be any more idols to save him from getting the boot.
Spencer is REALLY hoping that this argument sways Tony because he’d rather have a chance making fire in a tie than just get sent home. He knows that Tony is his only hope. Oh man. If Tony is your Obi Wan Kenobi I feel sorry for ya Spencer.
While Spencer is off chatting with Tony, Kass and Woo are confirming that they are both voting for Spencer. Kass says no way no how is she changing her vote. Woo is relieved to hear it and wonders what happens if there’s a tie in the final four. Do they draw rocks? Does the jury vote on who gets to stay? Do they fight for it?
Time for tribal.
Jeff is looking VERY solemn as the final four makes their entrance. Once everyone is seated and Tony has displayed his super duper special idol for everyone’s viewing pleasure, Jeff asks Kass how she felt making that incredible comeback when she sucked so hard at the beginning of the challenge.
She talks about how having her hubby there made all the difference and Mrs. Ed shoots eye daggers at her from the jury bench.
We confirm that Tony was sad that his wife didn’t get to visit and Spencer was hapy to see his sister but super sad to lose immunity when it matters most of all. Jeff says he had such a look of despair on his face and it’s the first time he’s seen Spencer show emotion this entire game.
Seriously! Has he missed all of Spencer’s celebrations every time he or his tribe won a challenge? What about the mini temper tantrums each time he lost? What do you call that Jeff???????
Spencer says it’s gonna bite if he leaves the game two days short of his dream. He thinks Tony is in a great position to win and then says to Tony that he promises to take Tony to final two if he’s given the opportunity to stick around and the choice is his. He’s so serious about this promise that he says he will tell the jury NOT to vote to give him the million if he goes back on his word. Damn. That’s a good argument. I wonder if Tony will take him up on it.
I would LOVE it if he did because I think that the two of them would be a FANTASTIC final two match up. That would be one of the best finals we’ve seen in a while. Which is why it probably won’t happen.
Jeff turns his attention to Woo, wondering if Woo can argue that he’s the best or worst person to take to the finals. After all, he hasn’t really done anything, but then again, he hasn’t really pissed anyone off either. Woo argues that he totally did stuff, he just wasn’t as outspoken about the moves he made.
Jeff then wonders if Tony’s worrying about being in trouble if there IS another challenge. He doesn’t think so, and then he asks Kass if she thinks she has a better shot against him or Woo. Kass tells him that she thinks she has a better shot against Woo in the finals.
Oh…..schnap, Tony says. Yes……that should get you thinking just a little bit Tony. In case you’re wondering, Spencer looks pleased as punch that Kass has said this. I can’t believe she made such a blunder. Why wouldn’t she just lie to Tony? Why tell him that if it’s a final two she’d vote his ass out given the chance?
THEY don’t call you that. YOU call you that.
And with that, it’s time to vote. We see Kass vote for Spencer and Spencer vote for Woo before Jeff collects the votes. Before he can start reading them off Tony says he wants to explain about his super duper rooty tooty fresh and fruity idol.
He also tells them all he could have played it AFTER the vote. Doesn’t matter though because he never needed to. Let’s get on with the vote read; we might need the time for a fire building challenge.
Oh man. I know it was the right thing for them to get rid of Spencer, but I do wish that he could have talked Tony into keeping him. It really would have made for a great possible final two.
So now that we’re down to Kass, Tony, and Woo will it be a final three? Or was Spencer right in his prediction of a final two? Sure enough, Jeff announces that tomorrow they will play in their final immunity challenge…..
And with that we head back over to Jeff to check in with the live audience. He says people aren’t happy Spencer got booted and then he talks to Spencer’s mom who says she predicted he was going to be one of the first people voted out.
We head over to Molar Pain where Kass is pissed because making final three used to mean something dammit! Maybe pissed is too strong of a word. She’s slightly annoyed. At the end of the day she thinks she has a great shot against either one of these guys.
Tony decides there’s no better time than nighttime to be chop up some coconuts so Kass uses this as an opportunity to talk to Woo about just what needs to happen. He knows, he knows. He tells Kass he would be the stupidest survivor if he kept Tony around over her. The most ridiculous. They make a pact that they will each take the other no matter what.
Now that they’ve gotten that straight, it’s time to head out to the final immunity challenge.
Once Jeff confirms that winning this one guarantees that they’ll be able to argue their case to the jury, he explains the challenge to them. They need to maneuver through the maze, collecting four medallions from different spots in the maze. Once they have all four medallions they’ll heads back to their stations where they will use the medallions to unlock a box containing gears. They’ll arrange those gears so that they can be used to raise a flag. First person o raise their flag wins immunity. Get it? Got it? GO!
They run around the maze and Tony and Woo are sticking together while Kass is over in a different section of the maze. She’s able to pull ahead a bit as Tony and Woo have some difficulty getting to one of the stations, but that doesn’t last because she has the same issue once she get to the one as well. This allows Tony and Woo to return to their stations before Kass and get started on their gear puzzles.
Lucky for Woo (and Kass) that Tony continues to suck at puzzles. Woo is making good progress on his puzzle as Kass finally gets to her station. But we all know you can’t count Kass out on a puzzle. And sure enough, she starts to catch up with Woo and it looks like it’s gonna be a photo finish. But who will win???
Jeff says that Kass was a half a second behind Woo, but I don’t think that’s gonna make her feel any better. Now instead of being able to control the final two herself, she’s gotta trust that Woo will stick to their plan.
She’s not TOO worried; she knows that Woo knows that it would be stupid, stupid, stupid to take Tony to the final two.
UGH! We head back to the studio to check in with Probst. This time he’s surrounded by a bunch of kids and I find myself hoping that next season is a Lord of the Flies all kids version of the game. What? You know that would be fantastic to watch. Plus their parents would google them and show up being all crazy in the comments. Who doesn’t love that?????
Once back at camp Tony tells Woo he wants to talk to him so they head off for a stroll and a chat. Tony knows just what card to play with Woo: the integrity card. He talks about how Woo has played such an honest and trustworthy game and how sad it would be if he blew that whole argument with the jury by voting out the one person he’s been loyal to the entire time.
I’m not surprised that he doesn’t tell Tony his butt is going home; Tony might retaliate by speaking llama to him. But you know and I know that Woo knows that he has got to get rid of Tony.
And off to tribal we go………
Jeff wonders how it feels for Woo, winning immunity. Woo says he feels honored and humble and a little nervous. Yeah, who knows what Tony will do when he gets voted out so close to the end? Jeff then checks in with Kass to confirm that she’s unhappy about her inability to pull out a final win and Tony says he thinks Woo has an opportunity to show the jury just what he’s all about in this last vote.
Woo tells Jeff he doesn’t want to talk anymore; he just wants to get to the final vote. And so Woo heads over to the voting urn to cast his vote…….
I can’t believe that Woo kept Tony around! Does he really think he has a chance of beating him???? This is crazy.
Jeff sends the fellas back to camp where they share a bro hug. Woo is obviously suffering from brain parasites because he keeps telling us that keeping Tony over Kass is his big power move in the game and he just knows that the jury is gonna respect him for that. Oh Woo. You really are the stupidest survivor, aren’t you?
The next day the guys get the traditional breakfast feast delivery which would be great for them if one of them actually knew how to cook. And that bacon and beef are completely different things.
There’s a little note inside their little breakfast bonanza which Tony sees first. He doesn’t bother to tell Woo and heads off hoping that there is an immunity idol out there that will make him the winner.
Unfortunately for Tony there is no such thing. The surprise his note promised is a mirror and a scale so he can see just how scruffy he is and how much weight he’s lost. Now that he knows he’s not getting anything, he lets Woo in on the surprise so they can both marvel at how crappy they look and how much lighter they are. YAWN.
Can we just get to the final tribal?
Jeff reminds both Tony and Woo that they’re now fighting FOR their names to be written down by the bitter Bettys that they’ve booted. As always, before the jury gets to ask their questions each finalist will have a chance to make an opening statement.
With the opening statements out of the way, we’re now ready for the jury questions. I think you all know that this is my favorite part of any finale. I love seeing which ones are bitter, which are idiots (my money’s on Jefra), and who is still completely delusional about their game. Squee!
But before we getto the jury questions, we have to check in with Jeff. Again. This time itchy’s favorite survivor is with him.
After establishing that Parvati thinks Woo is a super awesome guy who she thinks should definitely NOT win we are ready for the jury questions. Here we go!
You swear on your wife all the time Tony and where I come from people don’t do that and break their word. Is your wife even real? ‘Cause if she’s not I get it, but if she is where I come from we call people like you city folk!
“Love him or hate him, Tony played his ass off out here. Woo tries to excuse his passive play on not having idols and Tony finding three idols. Why do you think Tony found three idols? It’s because he looked more than everyone else combined! Tony was behind every great strategic decision. He blinded his alliance to what was going on around him in the game, like a puppet master. He took a slew of goats deep, put some on the jury. He took one to the end. Tony played with a ferocity this game very rarely does see. And so when you put pen to parchment tonight, vote for the only guy sitting there who actually played this game and played it in a way that honors it.”
WOW. Ya gotta love Spencer closing it out by arguing for the guy who played hard. Spastically, yes. In ways that often made no sense at all? Yes. But if nothing else, Tony PLAYED. And if I’m being honest, as much as I like Woo I sure as shit don’t want him to win!
And with Spencer’s words still ringing in the jury’s brains….its time to vote. We see Spencer vote for Tony and the only other vote we see is Tasha voting for Woo and I immediately turn to my sister and say “I bet that’s the only vote he gets” Am I right? Let’s find out!
We rejoin Jeff back in the CBS studio where he’s now joined by the final two and the jury. The first vote goes to Woo, but as predicted Tony gets all the others and pulls out the win for season 28.
I’m a little disappointed that Tasha seemingly succumbed to her bitterness and voted for Woo. Let’s all just pretend that she knew he was gonna lose and so she threw him a sympathy vote. K?
Hilariously, Tony’s wife is not at the finale either. He SAYS it’s because she’s preggo again and about to pop, but who knows? Maybe she really doesn’t exist………hmmmmmmmm
Alright, so….the reunion. I’m not going to recap every single minute of the darn thing – this recap is already loooooooooong and laaaaaaaaaate enough! But let’s touch on some highlights, shall we?
Tony says that though his game play may have seemed impulsive it was only that in the heat of the moment. But in the still of the night he’s stay up thinking about how to fix the problems he’d made for himself all day long. So basically, he barely slept.
Mrs. Ed and Tony are still besties, and Sarah still thinks he’s an asshole. Kass says she loves Tony and hates him; he’s like her jerky brother. Her jerky brother that speaks llama.
Jeff takes a trip out into the audience where we discover that Tony’s brothers in arms don’t give a rat’s ass that he lied and swore on his badge then broke that promise. Sarah immediately decides that she hates the entire state of NJ.
Speaking of hate…..Jeff tells us all that if we hated the super duper special idol that we should all blame it on Tyler Perry because it was HIS idea. Please. Doesn’t Tyler Perry have enough to answer for? Anyway, Jeff brags about how Tyler texts him all the time with ideas about Survivor, especially in the middle of the night. Those are the ideas you should IGNORE Jeff. He’s prolly smoked a bowl or two and we all know that really crappy ideas sound like the BEST IDEAS EVAH when you’re high.
Hey, guess what? Jeff thinks that Woo maybe looks a little depressed about not winning. Woo. Are you?
Keep telling yourself that. Maybe someday you’ll believe it.
Tasha also tells us that she would definitely play again someday. I’m not gonna lie; I’d be happy to see her play again. And then Jeff highlights Spencer and tells him he owes him an apology. He made a big judgment about him at the very beginning of the season and he was wrong, wrong, wrong. In fact, he knew he was wrong mid season and so he wrote Spencer a letter and mailed it home to himself. He doesn’t remember what he wrote and he didn’t bother to look, but here you go.
We get a bunch of updates from people I don’t give a crap about and Juggsernaut pops up to remind us that she’s pretty while Jean Nate stops by to remind us that she’s crazy.
One last update……..
Speaking of pubes…..are you wondering what Survivor season 29 will be all about?
That’s right, Trashmi; we’re getting another blood vs. water season. I will be back in the fall to suffer through it all with you (unless “people” get their way and I get voted off the island). I will sincerely miss (almost) all of you until then.
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