Back in Central Maryland, Kevin has planned a double date for him, Gizelle, Karen, and Ray at an indoor go-kart park. What a colossally stupid idea! 😀 Of course, Gizelle and Karen are completely unfit for the Autobahn Indoor Speedway, as evidenced by the fact that Gizelle chose to wear this…
… and Karen walks out of the parking lot moaning “please, tell me Jesus, are we in a warehouse?”
Gizelle’s anxious for this date because it’ll be the first time Karen’s meeting Kevin. And she’s eager to know what Karen’s “ex-TREEM-ly OH-pinion-AY-TED” assessment is. In a way, I guess, Gizelle respects Karen’s relationship advice, or at least Karen would like to think she does. And in a somewhat related tangent, we’re served up a flashback in which Karen and Gizelle are in a lingerie store shopping looks for some boudoir photo shoot Karen is planning for Ray.
“Jessica Rabbit has nothing on me!” – actual quote from Karen
Everyone puts on these weird turtle skin caps and gets fitted for helmets while Kevin makes some stupid but appreciated sex joke.
Lord, strike me where I stand…
Then they all zip around the race course and smack talk each other as Ray zoom-zooms his car a thousand miles behind in last place, confused but having fun nevertheless.
“No, Gizelle!” Robyn chides. “You don’t ever beat the man if you want the marriage to last.” There’s that sage love wisdom Gizelle’s looking for!
After they’re done making themselves puke by driving around in an endless circle, the group splits up for snacks. Karen is a shark and drags Kevin off for a private talk while Gizelle reminds us about all the times Karen’s humiliated her dates before, so I’m excited! Unfortunately for Gizelle, that means she’s stuck with Ray, or as she calls him, “Uncle Ben.” Heh.
Karen loves the way her weird helmet condom looks, so she bizarrely keeps it on for this whole conversation with Kevin. Because this is a chat between two ostensibly normal adults, Karen dives right in by asking Kevin if he and Gizelle are having sex yet. Cool! He says they aren’t, but Karen doesn’t believe him, purring that “you’re a good-looking man.” Also cool! Kevin contends that he’s single and just got out of a serious relationship. Assuming the role of a protective mother (who takes it upon herself to know the status of her daughter’s genital goings-on), Karen asks what Kevin’s intentions are and where he sees his relationship with Gizelle going. Kevin plays along and tells Karen what he thinks she wants to hear: he wants to be like Karen and Ray – “married!” Karen tics her head to the side excitedly.
On the other side of the snack bar, Ray, who’s usually very kind and sweet, is losing a thousand points with me (and Gizelle) as he reads Gizelle his analysis of single women and his conclusion that any woman who’s casually dating is obviously just looking to get married pronto. “No…” Gizelle tries gently. “Why would you want to be older by yourself?” Ray challenges. Um, maybe so I can sleep through the night without being woken up by your vile old-man farts? Gizelle thinks to herself. “Could you imagine yourself 65, 70?” Ray asks. “I’m not there, thank you very much,” Gizelle correctly retorts. “By the time you get to be 65, 75, you’re not gunna look like you look right now.” OMFG.
Per usual, Gizelle’s facial expression says it all:
“You’re going to need to attract guys while you can,” Ray continues.
Gizelle is remarkably more civil than I would be, scoffing at Ray with her face but putting a cork on his MANSPLAINING by telling him that Kevin is a catch. “Black Bill Gates, sit down!” she says in her interview. “You are a thousand years old, and this beauty ain’t fadin.”
Gizelle decides that she’s had enough of listening to Old Man Patriarchy before she rises from the table to save Kevin from the succubus that is Karen. Wow, don’t group dates with the Hugers look like a blast?
Out in Alexandria, Michael is waking Ashley up in their sterile, loveless hubble of a home. Ashley whines and pouts in her interviews that their mornings used to be filled with “cuddles and caresses,” but now it’s just “number crunching.” Michael sits at the foot of the bed with a humorless look on his face as he asks Ashley how the photo shoot went. She tells him that they took some pics of her Skittles-and-Steak concoctions because, by the way, they’re changing the menu.
Michael scowls and reminds Ashley that the menu is not hers to change, but she’s “progressively taking all the Australian out of it.” He asks how the marketing is going and she tells him of her
catastrophic brilliant idea to host a critics’ dinner – showcasing all the new menu items Michael expressly doesn’t want to feature – “in a few days.”
Michael has a tiny heart attack and notes that this could be detrimental to their business. “A negative review from a blogger is much worse than nothing from a blogger,” he says. (Hey Michael, I’m sure I’ve done a huge solid for your marriage then! You’re welcome. Love, This Blogger.) With panic on his face, he bemoans that this dinner is going to be a lot of work, but Ashley reassures him that she and Chef Brad have it covered. Michael sighs and realizes out loud that this whole stupid project is happening whether he likes it or not, and it’s happening with or without (preferably without) his input. For once, I kind of feel sorry for Michael.
He then asks about a guest list, and behind food bloggers and critics, Ashley throws out the idea that they should invite “the ladies.” Michael asks which ladies specifically, and Ashley has to pretend that she thinks it’s a good idea to invite Robyn and Gizelle.
She has a horrible poker face, grinning like an idiot as she pretends that their presence presents an opportunity since “they’re the biggest critics.” Really what all this conveys is Ashley’s clumsy responsibility to invite the entire cast to a big high-stakes event, and she’s terribly acting through all of it.
As Michael rises to leave, Ashley asks dumbly if this compromise(?) or conversation(?) or whatever the fuck you’d call their interaction is preparing them for parenthood. “No,” Michael snaps, “cause we’re gunna do whatever I say with the child since I’m letting you do whatever you want with the restaurant.” OK, I don’t feel sorry for Michael anymore.
Later, all the girls get invitations to the Darby’s “Land of Oz,” event – a poorly named tasting that doesn’t even carry this lame Wizard of Oz theme all the way through. The invitations look like cheap wedding invites and ask that the ladies bring their “two cents.” Charrisse is skeptical, and since it’s the first time we’ve seen her this episode, she’s decided to cart out this awful look:
At least the dress is finally on track, but she loses stock with that horrible Jem-and-the-Holograms-esque geometric purple eye shadow. Hello, drag queen!