What is up my Trashy loving Jersey Shore readers. My apologies that I am very behind on recapping Jersey Shore. A few weeks ago my beloved Princess kitty, the one in my Disqus icon passed away. I have been deep in mourning, eating my feelings and smothering my remaining cat with love. This is the second pet that I have lost in year, I lost my pup last year to cancer. We had been together for 15 years, 10 different homes, 6 roommates, 3 cities, 2 human siblings, 1 cat sister and 1 dog brother. She was my buddy, my pal and often nights my writing partner.
She will be greatly missed
So, today is the day we have all been waiting for… Jen IS HERE!
Ethnically ambiguous RealDoll Sammi is ready for this bitch
Mike’s supersonic hearing detects movement outside and with a knock the crowd goes wild. Ron is nervous, and Mike doesn’t get it because if his girl was here he would be excited, but he didn’t eat any French Fries, so…
Oh, hey girl what’s that on your all-important finger
He gives her a tour of the house that is ironically the same one he gave the French girl. While downstairs the crew talks about how weird it is to see Ron with another girl in the house.
Nicole cannot believe how cute she is pregnant! She was never that cute! They rejoin the group in the living room and they get to town on the really important questions. Like what nationality are you?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah OMG WHAT!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
After Vinny explains that Britain is not a language because they all speak English, Mike suggests they sit down to dinner.
After a false start at eating and forced prayer they all announce how awkward this for all of them. Jenni who asked Ron before Jen got there if anything was off limits decides to break the silence and awkward giggles by asking if they are going to get married. She reasons that Ronnie, who is a clearly a graduate of Jax Taylor’s School for Emotionally Inept & Manipulative Men, always says he would rather pay child support than alimony wants to know if Jen feels the same way. Jen looks at Ron who says that they are taking it one step at a time.
Ron goes on about how there is just so much going on the house, the baby…. Mike excuses himself to prepare desserts before Jen pitches the next question…
DO NOT GIVE A REAL ANSWER
But the girls actually say he will be a great dad because of the way he loved their kids and his sisters? I thought he only had a little brother. Dessert is served, and Ron makes a comment about Mike’s piece of funfetti cake. SHUT UP RON, judging by your monster poops it’s not like you don’t eat a lot besides, Mike has very few vices left in his life.
Vinny also has something to say about all the cake and Jen takes the opportunity to lay down a funny.
You don’t know me like that
She is very pleased with herself and Ronnie is too. I agree with Pauly D, you got warm up to be able to lay down those sorts of slams. So, Mike asks to pass the French fries. Ron and Jen go outside, and Mike explains to all of them that he doesn’t care about one of them coming after him, they are family but an outsider… not cool.
In celebration of Jen’s first night in town, they are doing an activity all pregnant women love doing….going to a strip club!
This is Deena’s first time in a strip club and she cannot believe how classy the girls are. Vinny however is about to lose his damn mind, he’s like someone on a diet left alone in bake shop. He says these are the best strippers he has ever seen in his life, like their parents sent them to stripper college and the had good stripper internships. Jeez Vinny don’t give Kris Jenner any ideas dude. But there is one in particular that catches his eye and he can’t help it… he’s in love with a stripper and just wants to save her.
Jenni’s is floored and says that if Roger ever did that with a stripper…
Well said girl
Meanwhile Jen and Ron are creating precious moments for their daughter’s baby book.
I mean who doesn’t want this sort of memory of their parents
Jen looks so uncomfortable and eventually tells Ron she wants to go, and he is all, fuck my life we just got here. So romantic. Nicole tells him that she is having his baby and it’s worth it. So, they leave, and Ron is like yeah having a baby and being in a relationship isn’t conducive to my lifestyle, but I am willing to do it for the baby. You guys being responsible is HARD.
The gang gets home, and Jenni is so wasted that Mike body slams her into bed. The Designation strikes again! Pauly convinces her to get some bread in her she agrees but then roll over and grins at Vinny that now he is part of the IFF for what she demonstrates as hug humping a stripper. Deena says that he grabbed her butt and he decides he has to call his girl right away.
On the phone Vinny attempts to downplay his to start his Save A Stripper charity. She wisely is not buying it but that does not stop Vinny from turning into a whiny bitch who tries to act like he didn’t do anything wrong. Ugh, I can’t. Even Pauly is like dude what are you doing, she isn’t going to be cool with any of this.
The next morning MVP decides to go to the gym, but Mike is too tired from raiding the fridge last night. On the way back from the gym Mike mentions that he is not cool with the way that Ronnie’s girl talked to him. He knows it comes from Ron and he is also explains a little about how they arrested him. He was at an airport on his way to Spain when the Feds apprehended him and took away his passport. He has to check in with a probation officer and be drug tested every 10 days. But he knows he can’t explain this to Ron because he would be like, “So what, who cares I’m from the Bronx. I sleep in my jeans.
Pauly gives Ron and Jen a mild morning wakes up call to let them know it’s beach day. Pauly has his summer body on so he is ready. Other members of the crew are not quite as confident and refuse to go on the actual beach lest they and their cellulite end up on US Weekly in the Mom Bods section.
So ironic for someone whose rise to fame was living in a beach house on the Jersey Shore
So, instead the girls decide to stay at the posh beach club and dish on Ronnie and Jen. They all agree that he never was with the Sam the way he is with Jen. But he is going to fuck it up because he is Ron and he already has. Nicole puts it best when she says that every time they live in a house she feels stressed about Ron.
On the way back to house they girls invite Jen to ride with them and they grill her about Ron. She only has really nice things to say about him and then asks the most dreaded question of all…
Exactly girl, plead the fifth
MVP is going to dinner and then to Mokai aka “MoCrimes” the scene of the French girl. While Ronnie takes his girl out for dinner in matching shoes to a sushi place, perfect for a pregnant woman. It’s worth noting that both the restaurant and club they go to in this episode have since closed due to unrelated issues, but the club is supposed to reopen.
While the girls lay in bed mulling over lying/not lying to Jen, she is munching on edamame while Ronnie wants to like, know her thoughts.
Deep thoughts with Ron & Jen
Ron chokes on his rice while she asks what seems like a lot of pointed questions about the jacuzzi. He admits to getting in when like all those people came over but leaves it there. He says in his talking head he knows that he has to tell her what happened but not now. She tells him to do whatever he wants but reminds him that she only wants him to be with her because he loves her. She doesn’t want him to be with her because he feels like he has to but because he wants to be with her. BOOM.
Ronnie of course lies and does his whole, I don’t know if she is the one or not. Cheezus Ronnie who are you Thomas Ravenal. You basic and if you weren’t worth 3 million you wouldn’t be getting this much attention at your age and inhuman color.
At the club Pauly is ribbing Vinny at Elicea’s expense accusing him of cheating at every move while editing puts together a clip show of him salivating over scantily clad ladies. But he is feeling confident about his call to Elicea because he didn’t do ANYTHING tonight…
Pauly is flashing pictures are Vinny of the ladies of the night while he is trying to talk to Elicea making him crack up. Pauly says that every night its the same thing with the guys in relationships.
Vinny tries to tell his girl that the is just trying to be honest and she is just getting her mad, but she doesn’t let that slide. She tells him it has nothing to do with him being honest, it’s about his actions. But he doesn’t get it because is trying to do the right thing and BE A GOOD GUY, GARSH ELICEA.
How can he go out and have fun and still be true to himself, ITS SO HARD.
She ends up hanging up on him because I am sure that it was annoying for her to hear the guys giggling about the “cheating” and she couldn’t see that Explanation piece that Pauly was sporting.
The next morning Jen is leaving, and Ronnie is again back and forth on how serious this relationship is or isn’t, I don’t really care because I hate him and I think this is all for the camera.
In the kitchen Jenny asks Ronnie if he was honest with her about French Fry and he admits that he wasn’t because he didn’t want to ruin the trip, but Jenny thinks he might be making her look like a fool.
With the gang all awake Vinnie tells them all of his “cheating” at the club and calls the one woman who never sees any fault in his actions… his Ma.
Mommy, Elicea doesn’t think I am special or that my bullshit actions are OK
Ma hasn’t not talked to Elicea but reassures him that he has done nothing wrong he is single after all, out of sight out of mind…. RIGHT
Nelson “Ronnie” Muntz thinks this is sooooooooo funny
I am not sure my TV is going to be survive me having to watching him Jax Tayloring about how he just wanting to find someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with while simultaneously joking how his dick just wants to be free.
Apparently, I am not the only one because Jenny is about to give it to him straight. While checking in to make sure that Jen had fun Ronnie admits that being here made it hard to know if he loves, loves her but her coming made it clear that he does.
Yeah, they look like a super fun couple, you know the kind that likes soup and could talk or not talk for hours
Jen is like good, then why not just be with her. But for Ron that’s HARD because there are just many ladies out there wanting to smell his giant poops. Bob love Jenny because she is trying to understand why Ronnie is trying to kill this relationship, so she unleashes.
But she chooses not because she found someone she loves and that is the truth. All the strange in the world isn’t worth throwing it all away for someone who will love you unconditionally.
She tells him that he could be the good guy with the really good girl and you could put her on a pedestal in this house and outside this house. Then Ronnie drags Pauly D into the conversation by asking if he had a girl would he be able to be in the house without getting in trouble, and Pauly said he could if she was a really good girl. But that’s just it, Ronnie isn’t sure because he barely knows Jen and he isn’t sure what the ONE even is. So, Jenni surmises that Jen is the ONE right now because she is having his baby. I am pretty sure “the ONE for right now,” is the only setting Ronnie has.
Jenni doesn’t understand why he is always talking shit about Jen too, like about paying child support.
Deena asks if he told her about the bathroom and Jenni interjects that he didn’t, Ronnie again says it’s because he didn’t want to embarrass her but they all know that he already has. Jenni tells him that he is doing the same thing he did last time he was in Miami, dragging out the truth because he’s weak.
The face of someone who is clearly feeling sorry for their actions, clearly
The thing is no one can confirm that and everything he did and said that night makes him look guilty AF.
Ron insists that he only says the nicest things about Jen, but Jenni knows he is lying because he has heard the shit that he says. She tells him to be the guy who loves Jen and is excited about his baby. Then Jenni turns Mama Bear on his ass….
She ends by telling him to become the man that your daughter aspires to have in her life.
Jenni, Jenni, Jenni, Jenni, Jenni
She just wants him to be honest with Jen because the time this will all air Jen isn’t going to be pregnant anymore, that baby is going to be a month or two old.
Jenni might be part of the psychic friend’s network
OK next recap is going to cover the most recent two episodes because I am going to be real, they were boring.
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