Greetings and salutations, fans. Ready to go on vacation with the Charmers? This week we do the obligatory change of venue, where a lot of drama goes down. The gals go horseback riding, the guys go golfing, and Ashley continues her reign as the thirstiest bitch on television with her constant boring prattle and failure to read the room. The most IMPORTANT character is back!! GIZMO!! Ready? Let’s go! By the way- MissKitty sounds like a smoky-voiced seductress right now, because her voice is still recovering from constant screaming she did watching her beloved Capitals make it to the Stanley Cup! If this keeps up she’s going to sound like a manatee, communicating with just guttural whistles and squeaks.
Usual wake up morning routines. Chels cutely pets T with her foot.
He’s so sweet
Shep calls his mom and tells her he had to postpone his knee surgery and lets her know they’re going to Hilton Head. His mom sounds like should could not give less of a fuck.
“I have a charmed life. Well, bye”
Thomas is dressing Saint and tells Kensie to go put on her panties. She does, totally giving side eye to the camera and runs over with them outside her pants, which is basically the funniest thing ever. His reaction is adorable and he yells “Nooooo! Silly!” and she giggles.
She is officially the cutest kid on tv
Naomie is talking to Wilson about the Hilton Head trip, and is excited to hang with the girls but is dreading seeing Craig.
“A break up moment! Ever’thang! Gurrrrl!”
Naomie says she needs to talk to Craig (for the 426th time).
Kathryn gets a call from Chels, and she reveals that her grandmother passed away. Aww! I loved that lady!
Chelsea asks the best question:
So kind. Chels is the BEST
And we flash back to such a young-looking Kathryn confiding in her about Thomas. She seemed like such a cool lady.
It’s dusty in here…
Holy crap- Kensie is Kathryn’s TWIN when she was that age!
She says her memories of her are of simple pleasures- playing board games, going to the library and (OMG so cute) church aerobics. They really seemed like the best of friends. It makes me like her that much more, actually. Anyone who loved to hang out with her grandmother and really bond with her is good in MissKitty’s book.
Ugh. We next go to Thomas and Ashley, who are back on their way to Gwynn’s (Christ this place gets more PR than places the cast actually own). Ashley needs to get one of her dresses altered, and since she’s becoming obsessed with Kathryn she hints that she could get his credit card and buy some leather pants.
“I’m too stupid to get that reminding him of his ex every 1.67 seconds isn’t making him think of me”
They come in and Madison greets them while Ashley coos about her Chanel. Thomas interviews that he wants his lady to be presentable.
“Idds impordant for my lady to be presentable when I’m in a sweaty rage wearing my one checkered shirt”
Ashley comes out in the dark Chanel dress, and says that when she has on her sunglasses, she feels like a movie star. He calls her Melania Trump and Ashley prays to the ceiling calling her “my hero”.
Well, let’s see, you’re both fucking disgusting pigs for the money, and you have no discernible talent or skills except being tall. Yep. Perfect role model. Makes perfect sense.
Ashley says she could be First Lady someday, if he runs again. Yeah, because that 3.8% of the vote he captured was super inspiring. Then again, we got a shitty Reality Show cast member with not much better ratings, so stranger things have happened.
Ashley says that the Chanel doesn’t need any accessories, well, except maybe a ring.
“I don’t know that I’ve mentioned it, but I want to marry you. It’s been a whole 1.87 seconds since I mentioned I want to marry you. Did you know I want to marry you? Because I really want to sponge off of you, I mean marry you for the rest of our lives”
This refusal to shut the FUCK up and repeating everything like a dementia patient will be a recurring theme this show. JOY. As Ashley tap dances on the disappearing butter pat like the fucking frog in Bugs Bunny, Thomas ignores her and asks about Kathryn. Hahahahaha. I can’t stand either of these assholes, so seeing either be miserable at any given moment is fantastic. Madison tells him she has great potential, but had to miss work. Thomas perks up like a dog when the fork against a dinner plate scrapes only to find out that her grandmother died. He says he should call her. Ashley, the picture of empathy, says he’s “been doing that a lot lately, huh.” I can’t with this shallow ass bitch.
The Picture of Ashley Jacobs- getting haggard and uglier by the minute
We next go to some derelict’s abandoned condemned house. Oh no. It’s just Craig’s house.
Jesus Christ, Craig. Get it together
Naomie calls and wants to come over. Craig tells her it’s messy and not to judge him. Okay. Maybe she won’t judge you, but you DO realize like millions of people watch this show, including potential employers, right?!
Craig warns Sean that Naomie is coming over and Sean says he’ll just stay in his room. I mean, does he have a CHOICE? The house is like Hoarders and looks like they have to make debris pathways.
“I’ll be in my room. I know the doorway, because I turn left at the jar of used bandaids and the bowl of fingernail clippings”
We then see Cam groaning and shuffling around her house, where she goes to her pantry for some nutritious fuel to feed herself and Palmer.
Are you SURE your husband’s really a doctor?
Jesus Christ. I know she loves her junk food, but that’s almost literally the only thing in there.
“Here Palmer- have some hydrogenated oil and yellow dye number 5”
She calls Shep, bored and stir crazy. She likens this stage to having a giant poop that you can’t get out. Palmer is going to enjoy these precious memories hahaha. Shep reports that he ran into a door face-first and broke his nose.
Cam complains about having to stay home while all her friends go away. I love it when people with children complain about lack of time, sleep, sex, money, freedom or any of the above, acting like they miraculously got pregnant by the baby fairy. Yeah. You CHOSE to breed. And all of the things you are complaining about fall on deaf MissKitty ears, because she’s too busy sleeping in, spending money and making last-minute plans. Byeeeee!
Austen takes a call from Victoria, who grills him about when he’s coming back. He looks thrilled.
Oh Victoria. Honey, no. Men have to be like 85 years old to be excited about the fucking soup you made
Victoria then asks him his next favorite subject: confrontation.
I’m going out on a limb and guessing no. Also, close. your. goddamn. mouth.
Back at Craig’s Naomie arrives with two surprises. One, she’s on crutches.
And two… OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! THE ONE, THE ONLY…
I love how Gizmo just rides along- no harness no collar. Just comes along like a very slow cranky dog.
GAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! SOOOO CUUUUUTE!!!!
They wait for Craig to answer the door.
And then at long last, the two friends are reunited.
I’ll say it again: Craig and Gizmo: BFFs 4EVA. Come on Bravo make it happen. Chelsea’s aunt with the raccoons can be their wacky neighbor. Reality TV gold. GOLD I tell ya!
Naomie’s foot was a long boarding accident at Chelsea’s house. Hahahaha. Wonder how much alcohol was in that decision. Naomie brought Gizmo as a peace offering, and…
I lost my train of thought, because Gizmo is so freaking adorable
Naomie and Craig vow to be nicer to each other, or actually Naomie vows, since she’s the one who has been mean. Then she tries to cuddle Gizmo and he HISSES at her!!!
“Stop being mean to my sidekick!!”
It’s now time for everyone to go to Hilton Head. Everyone is packing. KDenn has a bunch of Louis Vuitton luggage. They start playing hijinks music, and we see Ashley putting foundation on Thomas’s face for some inexplicable fucking reason. She whines that she needs a Louis Vuitton suitcase, and Thomas tells her Kathryn has like 5 and maybe Ashley can borrow one when they become friends. Ashley descends more and more into being the authentically ugly human being we all know is lurking in there.
Ah. Now we’re getting to see that venal gold digging Yacht girl. Keep it up.
Ashley then brings up invitegate, in that she didn’t get an invite to Saint’s birthday party. She says she wishes she got invited, because as the signifiant other, it is the classy thing to do. She makes her point and then drops it. HA HA. Just kidding. She spends the next 10 hours it seems harping on the nonvitation. Ashley threatens that there will be a big problem if Kathryn doesn’t invite her. Thomas is on Kathryn’s side, but instead of being an adult, he just placates Ashley and vacantly nods.
CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG…
The girls all meet up with their Starbucks.
Even the Chelsea mannequin is ready to go
Austen and Whitney meet up, with Austen making a gross dick joke about fitting it in.
Ahhhh…. making beautiful creepy music together…
Shep pulls up and Whitney gazes at him lovingly, doing his weird machine gun laugh when Shep tells him about his nose.
The girls talk about Saint’s birthday and laugh and are getting along great. We segue over to Thomas’s car, and Ashley will not shut the fuck up about the party.
Hey, you dimwitted clothespin– when your boyfriend has that expression, he’s not interested in a single word you’re saying
Thomas compares her to a dog with a rubber shoe after correcting her grammar.
The guys are still waiting for Craig. Austen mirrors my thoughts when he says it must have driven Naomie crazy. The girls wonder if the guys are on the road, and Naomie hilariously brings up her tracking app and tells them where Craig is. Craig finally arrives but he can’t play golf because he injured the tendon in his pinkie. He did it by stabbing the wall with a butter knife.
Austen texts Chelsea and says the conversation in their car is painful. Chelsea reveals that she and Austen haven’t talked in two weeks. Naomie asks about Victoria, saying she ran into them.
Chelsea is not pleased
Austen says that he doesn’t want to get back with Chelsea.
Thomas points out the town of Ravenel. “Do you own it?” Ashley breathe-asks.
Yeah Thomas. She’s dumb as a fucking step stool. Welcome to the party.
Ashley natters on, saying her name would be so cool if they got married. Then she talks baby talk to him and grabs his hand saying she loves him and crazy attracts crazy. There’s a long pause, and then Thomas sighs and says “apparently”.
Hope it was worth it honey- we all just got to witness the exact moment when Thomas got tired of your ass.
Ashley, who seems genetically unable to shut her trap for more than 8 seconds, brings up the party AGAIN.
In the cool girl car, they realize it will just be those four and Ashley. Danni laughs and squeezes Kathryn’s shoulder in solidarity.
Kathryn looks like she can’t wait hahaha. Aaaaand Chels still looks like a mannequin.
In the car of doom, Thomas tells her they’re not even on the island yet. “I thought it was a mountain”. Oh. My. GOD she’s a fucking moron. And it just hit me who she reminds me of: Alexis Bellino’s younger, stupider sister.
Shep and Chelsea both point out their respective homes. Shep’s parents live in a harbor next to a yacht club, and Chelsea’s childhood home was by the river, in a more modest area. She admits they didn’t have much, but they had a good time.
They arrive, and the house is really stunning.
The girls all pick upstairs bedrooms, saying it will be quieter. The rooms are gorgeous! The ocean is right nearby and they have a pool.
Thomas and Ashley arrive, and as Ashley admires the view, Thomas admires himself nervously in the mirror.
“Shhh stop talking naow. I’m about to see Kathryn, so I have to look my bist”
Thomas and Ashley pick their room; it has a fireplace. Thomas checks the springiness of the bed, grunting that it’ll work. We are supposed to believe it passes muster for fucking, but we all know he’s really testing it for lumbar support, because he old.
Chels asks Ashley if she’s going horseback riding, and because she has the depth of a saucer, she’s more concerned with what to wear. Because she’s apparently too stupid to ever in the history of the world seen anyone riding horses. Thomas is on a hunt for liquor, since he can’t be sober longer than 3 hours a day.
“Ah.. here’s the stuff that makes me be able to live with myself”
As Ashley whines about what she needs to wear to ride (Oh take a wild guess, hairstyle- is it really that complicated?). Thomas ignores her as she revs up to full high maintenance.
Helpless Irritating Diva Core Meltdown… approaching
KDenn laughs over a pair of boots Thomas got her. And finally, the other guys arrive. Everyone greets each other fondly. The girls are all ready to go riding. Kathryn smirks at Thomas asking if he likes her boots.
Her bemused mastery of him is a sight to behold
He takes her to see their room and she does a hello-by of Ashley. Ashley’s flop sweat is oozing out of every pore and she makes a nervous joke about how quick it was.
You’re going to be together all day and all night. Calm the fuck down
The girls all go out to sit, and Ashley is bothered that she didn’t get invited and then asks for the 28th time what she needs to wear horseback riding. Oh. My. GOD. Even she’s like:
“You are PSYCHOTIC Jesus Jugs!”
As the girls bask in the peace, the shrill screaming of Ashley floats over to them and they all share an awkward laugh.
Chelsea jokes that she needs her calming oils. Kathryn says she’s so glad that’s not her anymore.
Next comes MissKitty’s favorite scene! The girls go horseback riding and the guys go golfing on Daufuskie Island. They have to take a ferry over. Chels takes a pic of her girls, and it turns out really beautiful.
Nothing beats having good girlfriends!
They compliment Chelsea’s camera, and she retorts that Austen bought it for her. She bought all his dinners, so the least he could do was buy her a camera. Something tells me it stings that he’s buying Victoria dinner.
Ashley, because she is as generic as she is idiotic and repetitive, pretends to be Rose from Titanic
Then she harps on and on and on about Thomas proposing.
You’re really great at reading body language there, Ashley. Is there ANYTHING you’re good at? Just wondering.
Then, Craig irritates Naomie by asking about some contact packaging he found in his overnight bag.
“You’re breathing near me. It’s annoying”
I don’t know if she suspects they belong to another girl or what, because she seems really irrationally angry over him trying to return disposable contacts.
In a scene sure to comfort Victoria, Austen and Chelsea are hanging out with matching leg crosses, curious about Craig and Naomie.
“There’s no chance I will get back with Chelsea… none… okay maybe a little”
They arrive, and Ashley asks if they’re going back now. The guys and girls split up and Chelsea almost hits the golf cart guy.
We find out from Shep that he had a Summer job renting out sailboats and he grew up on a golf course, so he’d be hitting golf balls every night and get called in for dinner. When he wasn’t on the beach, that is.
“Hi. My name is Shepard Rose. I’m the poster boy for White Privilege”
Shep’s great grandfather was a two time NCAA champion golfer, and Shep’s great aunt Jordan Baker was a character in The Great Gatsby.
Now it’s time for the HORSES!!!
Here’s the guide. MissKitty is trying to look to see what brand of saddle she’s using. Don’t mind her…
Oooooo and this one looks similar in coloring to MissKitty’s lovable Buckskin dunce.
Then we find out that both Chelsea and Naomie showed Hunter/Jumper. COOL! Chels was state champion.
Good lord that horse is huge
They all mount, and the instructor asks if anyone is nervous. Ashley is nervous. Understandable if you’ve never ridden a horse. MissKitty isn’t going to make fun of Ashley. It can be scary at first.
As much as she drank though, she should be a little less tense
Quick aside- MissKitty has ridden all her life, but it wasn’t until recently that she was finally able to afford her own horse. She went and got the cutest, prettiest, grey Arabian mare. A five-year-old grey Arabian mare. After two separate times in the hospital, MissKitty sold MissRuby and now has MrRolo, her Quarter horse, who still has moments of supreme stupidity, but doesn’t spook to the side and teleport himself across the ring as if floating above the ground. Her point is, horseback riding can be very dangerous, and it’s a sign of a good guide to let the least experienced rider dictate the pace.
As they go along the beach, Naomie and Chelsea are both dying to let the horses canter. The instructor wisely says no- safety first.
Ashley loudly tries to get her horse to listen to her as Kathryn looks on in scorn. She correctly points out that if Ashley can’t get the horse to listen to her, she won’t get Thomas to.
Then it happens. MissKitty’s PET PEEVE. Any riders reading? Any guess what every SINGLE ONE OF THEM DOES that is horribly wrong and dangerous???? Anyone???
No no no no no. You NEVER leave your foot in the stirrup to dismount.
Another aside- if this is boring, please skip. But MissKitty lives in Virginia in horse country. I (while in my early 30s) started lessons out in Middleburg, Virginia to learn Hilltopping, a precursor to Fox Hunting. My instructor was a very scary Swiss man, who gave me a dressing down for every little mistake. “I zought you vere an adfanced ridah come ON!” he yelled at one point. Up until then, I thought I was a pretty good rider, but he had an eagle eye for bad form or bad, lazy habits. Safety was his first priority. The girl I was with, who had been riding Hunters since she was probably in utero, didn’t make a lot of the same errors, until the dismount. She swung over, leaving her foot in the stirrup, and I kicked both of my feet out and swung. Upon seeing her, he started screaming like a drill sergeant at her, chastising her, complimenting me on being a careful, smart rider. He told us a story of watching one of his friends back in Switzerland (an accomplished rider) get his face ripped off when the horse got spooked while he had his foot still in the stirrup; the horse bolted, and his friend’s head bounced along gravel. So yeah– if you ever go riding, make sure both feet are free.
Afterwards, Chelsea asks Ashley how she liked the ride. Ashley makes an “ugh” noise, and Chels looks annoyed.
The guys grill TRav about Ashley, like how long they’ve been together traveling etc.
Wow. What a dreamboat. Phhhhhh hahahaha
Craig asks if Thomas spent as much on Kathryn as he does on Ashley. “They all cost a lot of money” he says, like they’re all a bunch of boats. The guys all laugh and laugh. Craig, because he historically has been the most capable of shade when he’s holding something in his hands, asks if she just assumes Thomas is paying, or does she offer?
Thomas says she never offers, and he always pays. Well of course. She’s a yacht girl. She’s basically one step up from an escort. Craig asks him what he’s doing, and we flash back to Craig telling Thomas that Kathryn was bad news. He examines his fingernails and calls Ashley a gold digger. Yep. But it couldn’t happen to a nicer piece of shit. Craig says if she tries to get pregnant, that’s no guarantee either.
He’s so lucky he’s rich
Next, we see the REAL Ashley start to come out. OOOO it’s a doozy!!!
They all next go to Marshside Mama’s, a restaurant/bar. Ashley makes a lame joke about bears. The girls sit, and as the guys all lumber over, Kathryn funnily makes a joke that those are all their exes. Naomie asks “what were we thinking?” It’s hilarious. Thomas asks Ashley how the riding was, and Ashley complains and says she hated it. Okay Debbie Downer. Thomas asks for a drink that they’re out of, but they have something called “The Redhead”. Thomas makes a spectacle of himself saying he could do the Redhead.
Kathryn and Naomie’s face though!!! hahaha
Shep brings Craig a giant drink holder hand. It’s awesome (I lol).
Chelsea flat out asks Austen if he’s seeing Victoria again. He hems and haws and then just says “let’s talk”.
“Uh… I dunno…. mphlmphlmmmph”
Ashley then starts…
Initiating cunt sequence in T Minus 10…
She asks how Kathryn is, saying she’s so quiet, and then offers her condolences for KDenn’s grandmother. I guess the conversation goes on a while, because her hair is now down. She brings up Saint’s birthday party.
Thomas desperately tries to distract her, and she turns and snarls at him.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t hit her and then himself with the giant hand
Thomas skulks off, and then Ashley asks Kathryn if she’s invited, yes or no. Kathryn slowly explains that it’s not really a conversation for the whole table. And Ashley won’t take the hint and shut up.
“Are you for real, bitch?”
Ashley is too stupid to argue with, and just makes points that make no sense. She knows she’s not invited, but asked if she was invited. Kathryn asks if she’s just trying to start something. Ashley makes some point about “ten years from now” and Kathryn bluntly tells her “you probably won’t be here in a month”. BURRRN!! Also… TRUUUUUE.
Then Ashley says it:
“I see those children more than you see them”
NO. SHE. FUCKING. DIDN’T.
HA! Check the two lionesses…..
Eh boy Ashley. You fucked up.
Danni also tells her “You really need to slow your roll”…
For some reason, she’d be the last person I’d want to piss off!!
Chels says “that was low dude”.
Congrats Ashley. Any sympathy you may have possibly garnered is now pissed away.
You work fast
Kathryn, who hasn’t said anything, says “if you want to be put in your place, I’ll put you in your fucking place”
And that’s the end, with a “To Be Continued”. Next week looks even juicier, culminating in what was the impossible up until now. She even gets Shep to hate her. SHEP! Who likes everyone! Stay tuned!
So what did you all think? I swear I thought I’d never hate anyone as much as Landon on this show, but Ashley is definitely taking the prize. She’s a BITCH.
Tell me your verdicts in the comments!!
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