Howdy Trashmii! Welcome to the third and final installment of the VPR season 6 reunion. Let’s jump right in, shall we?
We open with the surprising new friendship between Jax and James, which Jax explains started at last season’s reunion, when James crawled on the floor imitating Stassi. Lisa says they’re remarkably similar: they’re both compulsive, needy, love attention, and love themselves.
Andy wants to know if Jax is a role model for James, and James says he’s more of a fun guy to ‘hang out’ with. Andy asks why Lala was skeptical about their friendship, “What were you concerned would happen?” Lala says, “Exactly what did happen. He’s saying that you f*ed Kristen.”
Jax says, “I did say that.”
Lala just doesn’t see how you can go through so many seasons or years of not connecting with somebody, and then all of a sudden you’re friends. James says she did with Stassi, and Andy says, “You did with a lot of people.”Lala begs to differ, but Schænə says it’s the same thing.
On to Stassi, and event planning. Stassi says she wants to be a boss-ass bitch, like Lisa. Schænə and Sandy share a smirk.
Stassi wants to learn things and be really well-rounded, like Lisa, who can do everything. Lisa approves of Stassi’s astute observation, dahling. Andy asks if the gang was resentful of her being their boss, and Stassi says she was less bossy than before, because she was scared to piss people off.
Now we pause to check out Schænə and Tom, who happen to be posing for my recap.
Tom says the reason it was so frustrating is that they all worked at SUR and didn’t quit, then Stassi comes crawling back, and Lisa hands her a position of power, when she should have had to wait tables at SUR again, like the rest of them. Or maybe be given a bar, or something.
”That was up to Lisa!” cry Kristen and Katie. Stassi moans, “Let’s all be a team!” but Tom isn’t having it. Andy wants to hear from Lalz. How were Stassi’s event-planning skills? Lalz says Stassi was her bitch, and made her job easy by coming in an hour early, and bringing hundreds of flowers, thereby creating a killer ambiance.
Sandy and Schænə just smirk.
On to Lala’s performance. Andy asks, “Is your song called Let Me Know if I can F*ck You Boy?” (Boy boy boy boy boy.) Lalz says, “Nope, it’s called Boy. Let me know if I can f*ck with you boy.” Glad we cleared that up.
Now we switch gears again. Was it about the pasta? James and Lalz go over that fateful day when the biggest catchphrase of the season came about; the day when Lala totally dissed ‘Quel, then couldn’t take it when James drunkenly lashed back, tearing into her man in a mean, body-shaming way.
Lala says she’s super ashamed about how she and James went after their cast mates’ bodies in the past, and we get a flashback of her calling Katie ‘The Blob’, which we never repeated after first reporting it, because booger nose rings and ill-fitting wedding gowns are one thing, but that’s next-level sh*t, lets get real.
Lala is crying, and takes off, then the Vanderladies plus Lisa and Sandy fall all over each other showing how much they support their Pussy-Unifier in Chief, who is also their Provider of All Things Big-Time Hollywood (possibly even Martin Scorsese), even going so far as to persuade James to apologize, and bring her back to the set. It really warms the cockles, dahling.
“I’ll show you a walk-off, Schæ-shoe”
Once Lalz is all mopped up and reseated, Lisa exchanges seats with Stassi, to help Lalz regain her courage, and tell us what’s bothering her. Lalz cries that James was her best friend, and she’d never even THINK of disrespecting his girl, even though she did it just last episode with the Ray J crack.
On to the job in Tampa. Andy wants to know, did it have to do with TomTom? Tom says, “Possibly, at least subconsciously.” KFC confirms it was a real offer, but Stassi says Jax is the boy who cried wolf, and they all know it.
Now we discuss the finale party with Patrick. Stassi says, “I could not sleep last night, I was so, like, shook by the finale.” It turns out she was on Xanax and alcohol that night, which Ariana schools us is a very bad idea. Lisa says, “I actually had in my own place to go apologize to him, and I had done absolutely nothing, just tried to make him feel welcome. Look, the proof of the pudding’s in the eating and I think she’s had enough.”
Andy asks if Schænə lost herself in her relationship with Rob (Rob Rob Rob Rob Rob) any more than Stassi did with Patrick, and this is where we learn that Schænə only watches the scenes with herself in them. In other words, she’s missed a whole heaping helping of constructive sh*t-talk behind her back over the years. Schwa whispers, “That speaks volumes.”
Stassi hasn’t spoken to Patrick since he dumped her. Jax says, forget that guy, the guy she’s with is such a cool dude. Kristen and Katie finally stepped in and chose the boyfriend this time. Katie says, “He’s a lot like Tom. He’s kind of quirky.”
They’ve all met him, except Schænə, and they all think he’s really cool. Stassi says nervously, “I need to not screw it up!” Lisa sweetly says, “You need to just be yourself, that’s exactly what you need to be.” Stassi gets a big ol’ congratulations from Andy, then Katie and Kristen high five.
Time for Mexico. Andy asks Lalz about the baby bottle, which she calls her Bubba. Lala says she’s on a very low dose of anti-anxiety medication. She researched it, and there are a lot of things you can do — ice on your wrist, flicking a rubber band on your wrist, or you can suck a d*ck, but the d*ck is not always readily available, so she just finds it comforting.
Now Andy brings up the rumor about James and Kristen hooking up in Mexico. There’s a lot of screaming, but somehow the Vandercrew patches the whole mess up, thank God.
On to Jax and Brit. Andy says to Jax, “You knew you were gonna break up with her, and you had sex with her right beforehand? That’s kind of a mindf*ck, don’t you think?” Jax beats around the bush, then finally admits, “Yeah, you’re right, you’re right.” KFC tries to get Jax to realize how much he hurt her — so much so that she almost shed a tear.
Lisa says, “Sweetie, this is why, when your relationship’s so unpredictable, you should take contraception,” and offers to buy them a Super Jumbo XXXLT condom.
Andy says how hard it must have been for KFC to have the Vanderladies telling her she deserves better, as well as that c*nt Jennifer Lawrence on WWHL looking into the camera and telling her, “Break up with him.”
We hear all about Jax not moving out — which everybody agrees was very d*ckish — and KFC needing to move around from place to place, until finally she realized she needed Jax to remain on VPR (or even in LA, for that matter), and they got back together. Then his dad died, and they really got back together, m’kay?
Andy asks what she’s got to say about her ‘fans’ that have not been the greatest to her this season, for no particular reason, except that they suck.
So, just as I’m sorta feeling bad for KFC, she launches into another rant about that person she’s so much better than, who does a bunch of really evil sh*t KFC would never do, that involves not standing up for her ‘fellow woman’, which is some crackerjack mantra she picked up from my sizable troll following that is complete and utter BS, as I’ve always stood up for all women, men, children, animals, and even lower life forms that I felt deserved and needed my love.
Wow. Where’s my trip to Mexico? Maybe I wasn’t mean enough…
In the spirit of fair play, here’s a list of things I would never do:
I would never brag that I love to work with children in need, and then not do it. Let me say this — it’s easier getting a job helping special needs kids than banging your way onto a reality show. And you can do both at the same time, just ask ‘Quel.
I would never forego a condom while dating Jax.
And finally, I would never kill an innocent frog, deep-fry its privates, and eat ’em with a hunk o’ beer-infused Velveeta on a disposable plastic plate.
And now — wonderfully — Stassi checks in with the Witches, gives them an ‘I got this’ nod, then patiently schools KFC’s ass, in the most gentle and loving way possible. She says they all agree: KFC deserves a prince, because she’s so kind, but of course there’s going to be a little ‘What are you doing?’
KFC stares daggers, while thinking private thoughts that best not be shared.
They all agree Jax has changed for the better since his dad died. Jax seriously had to look at himself, and he’s tired of himself. Andy says, “You’ve said that before,” but Brit-Brit says he treats her better now. Everything about him is different and better now, as we can plainly see. He’s getting along with Kristen, and he’s putting KFC first on everything. Lisa cracks that Stassi wants him back, now she’s heard all this.
Andy thinks ‘people’ will be watching tonight, and will be really happy for her.
Now we’re on to Jax’s resignation. So it turns out Jax sent apology texts (what, no phone call?!) for the bird-flipping meltdown to everyone; every camera crew guy, everybody, except Lisa. And now he starts begging for his job back. Lisa says, “I’m not that desperate.”
Then she says, “TomTom might give him a job.” Andy asks, “Schwartz, when can we expect your next blackout and panic attack?” Schwa says he’s come a long way; he’s now a caterpillar undergoing metamorphosis in a cocoon, and soon will emerge as a beautiful business butterfly, and…
“Spread your legs and fly!” shouts a super-excited Sandy.
Now we’re on to the topic of babies. Katie’s not gung ho, but Schwa is ready. Katie says it’ll happen ‘soon-ish’, yay! KFC is all for babies, babies, babies, and so is Jax. This is quite concerning to us, sorry for being uncaring.
Stassi says we’ll be seeing Beau next season, if all goes well. Schænə’s happy being single for the coming year. Lala envisions being with her man forever, but he’s definitely not coming on the show, which James finds amusing. Kristen is satisfied with just a boyfriend and dogs right now. Tom and Ariana won’t be getting married, now that Tom ‘n’ Tom are engaged, but they do plan to stay together forever.
Andy asks, “What about little Tom and Arianas?” Tom says yeah and Ariana says no, and then — no way — they strike a recap pose, and in so doing, Ariana rallies from behind to narrowly edge out Stassi and Katie for the Most Improved VPR Gang Member award for season 6!
James is now an international DJ, White Kanye, yeah baby, See You Next Tuesdays and Thirsty SURsdays all year round! Andy asks Lisa who she thinks is going to get married next in the group, and Lisa replies, “I think it’s gonna be you.”
Lisa says being on a reality show is like looking in a big mirror. Some of them might not have liked what they saw, and she hopes they learn from their reflections. Schænə raises her hand self-righteously, like she deserves a better reflection, or some cray-cray sh*t like that. KFC nods ‘thoughtfully’, while Schwa raises his hand all quintessential puppy dog-like.
Thank God I’m not on a reality show, right?
And on that note, fuggedabout shots, it’s all about the pasta. Ken and Peter come out with shot glasses of fried penne in a tomato-cream sauce, on which Schæ-shoə demonstrates her BJ skills.
“The smaller the jawbone, the better the BJ, beyotch”
And the Gigster’s here, which is always good news.
Aaaaaannnnnnd it’s a wrap! Thanks, Lovelies, Vandercrew & Andy for a very special season 6.
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