People – Let’s Get the Ugly Stuff Outta the Way First
Contrary to what police reports allege, Chris Cornell’s family is calling his death an accident. And all of that sucks.
Jezebel – This Time, Christ (and a Mediocre Billboard Lawyer) is on Their Side
Party like it’s 2015, everyone, because the Southern fried confection known as the Duggar Sex Scandal is BACK IN THE NEWS! Wilting virginal flowers and eldest Duggar girls Jill, Jessa, Jinger, and Joy must be getting tired of all that
not being on TV raising a loving army of Godly blessings. So they’ve decided to slap on their most intimidating denim maxi skirts and march those that have wronged them to court. They’re suing the city and police of Springdale, Arkansas for releasing their testimony and reports (remember! about their brother molestering them!) to In Touch, and they’re suing In Touch for publishing them. Are you tired of this story? I can’t tell if I’m tired of this story. But I’ll tell you one thing: I will get down on my sexy, sinning knees tonight and pray to the god that’s forsaken me that this means more humiliation for Josh Duggar, his parents, and his penis.
TMZ – EUWH!
No, party like it’s 2014 everyone, because we just had a Donald Sterling sighting!
Even though he looks like a nursing home patient who’s VERY EXCITED TO GO FOR WALKIES! with this young volunteer, I gotta say that Don pulls off my mother’s brand of sunglasses very nicely.
Page Six – Fans of Blustering Right-Wing Blob Harass Blustering Left-Wing Blob
Shouting opinion haver (Rosie O’Donnell) is not a fan of the shouting opinion haver that currently sits in the White House (Donald Trump). But that’s no reason to accost her at the mall, Trump fans. And that’s certainly no reason to tell her daughter that you’re going to “grab her pussy.” Here’s an idea. How about we all be nice to each other. How about we all go to Chili’s, order a few ‘peño poppers, and get wacked on a few Long Island Iced Teas. We can talk about The Bachelor. How does that sound? How about we just do that instead of insulting people that are no longer on daytime talk shows and how about we leave the kids of those people alone. Just a thought!
YouTube – Here’s a Video About Girls Being Bitches To Each Other or Something, Who Cares
Katy Perry, the prize from the bottom of a cereal box that was just good enough to stick around, just released this single with Nicki Minaj (the prize from the bottom of a box of PCP). It’s like, maybe probably definitely about Taylor Swift. Ooh gurl. The shade. Oh my. Hold my earrings. Am I saying that right? I dunno. I’m gunna go drink.
Swish swish this weekend, Trashies!
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