Hi, Trashies! So, Ben and Lauren are the first Bachelor/ette couple in two years to break up, but that doesn’t matter because they’re such old news. Oh, yes, it’s that time of year again! It’s time for The Bachelorette. This season has to be better than the dumpster fire that was Jojo’s season and the snoozefest that was Nick. I can’t even do much snarking on Rachel – I kind of love her! Let’s hope at least one of the men deserves her awesomeness.
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Adam’s favorite actor is Jennifer Lawrence “because she’s every girl’s goal.” What the fuck does that even mean? Am I supposed to want to be Jennifer Lawrence? I hope not. She kind of annoys the hell out of me. Also, the most romantic gift he ever got was a threesome. Can Adam be eliminated before the show even starts?
Occupation: Information Systems Supervisor
So, Alex’s favorite artist is The Rock. I mean, he seems like a pretty cool dude, but I don’t know that he could really be considered an artist. Alex seems really boring and possibly a little stupid.
Occupation: Education Software Manager
Anthony describes himself as “emotionally intelligent.” Maybe he’s hoping to go on Paradise and meet Taylor. I can’t do much snarking on him because he’s been a teacher all over the world and received a Fulbright Grant. You’re on my good side, Anthony…for now.
Occupation: Aspiring Drummer
If you’re 31 years old and you’re career still involves the word “aspiring,” there is a reason that you’re single. He also lists “sensitivity” and “patience” among his worst attributes. Blake is one of those guys that thinks women don’t like him because he’s “too nice.” When he says that the most outrageous thing he’s ever done is get engaged to a “crazy girl,” I just assume that he was a douchebag and she was crazy because she called him on his shit. Finally, he hates it when his date tells him about her cats.
My cat and I say, “Fuck you, Blake.”
(Yes, her catnip toy is shaped like a wine bottle. She’s my cat, after all.)
Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran
Another fan of The Rock, but this time he just wants to be him for a day because he looks good in a fanny pack. You know, that’s pretty flawless logic. Blake loses points because “Chipotle is my life.” There is so much better Mexican food out there. You can do better, Blake!
Occupation: Male Model
There is really nothing to say about Brady’s profile. The dude is just straight up boring. He’s basically the human equivalent of a low sodium saltine.
Bryan is 37 years old and says “lol” twice in his bio. I already hate him and won’t waste any more time with him.
Yeah, I can’t stop staring at Bryce’s jawline. He looks like a cartoon character. He must not be a very good firefighter because he set a woman’s hair on fire one time while having sex. I give him credit – he admits he wants to be a “professional Instagrammer.” You’re well on your way, Bryce. I’m sure Jade (of Jade and Tanner’s Wedding) can give you some pointers.
Occupation: Startup Recruiter
Dean looks like the “cute guy” from every 90s teen movie. Also, he kind of looks 12. Unfortunately, no one gave him (or Blake E.) the v-neck shirt memo. He’s another one that’s not very smart but thinks his is. When asked about marriage, he says: “I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it’s a life-long commitment.” So, marriage is a sham, but he wants to get married and have it be for life? He’s going to be the guy who tries way too hard to be deep.
Occupation: Executive Recruiter
I like him already. I laughed way too hard at this: “No pets but when I’m married with children I will own a pet lion and name him, ‘Denzel, the lion.'”
Occupation: Senior Inventory Analyst
Diggy seems a little try-hard, but I really hope we get to hear the story about how he was stranded on the toilet for hours in 5th grade..
Occupation: Personal Trainer
Eric is another super boring one. There’s literally nothing in his profile worth commenting on. It’s nice to see the guys made sure to give him the red v-neck memo though. That was thoughtful of them.
Occupation: Executive Assistant
Yet another super boring guy. At least he has a pretty killer smile! He’s got that going for him.
Occupation: Emergency Medicine Physician
So, Grant once pooped in a two-liter bottle on a tour bus in Peru. He also lists “Playboy? ;)” as his favorite magazine. I already hate Grant. RACHEL DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS!!!
Occupation: Consulting Firm CEO
So, we have an Iggy and a Diggy. I wonder if he’s a CEO the same way that Corinne owned a multi-million dollar business. For both his best and worst attributes, Iggy lists: “Passionate, loyal, witty.” Iggy is not a smart man, is he? Yet he hates it when his date is dumb. I guess at least one person on the date has to be smart.
I just looked at his picture and saw his two names and immediately hated Jack Stone. His profile is just another boring one.
Occupation: Sales Account Executive
I get serious Robby vibes from Jamey. It’s that plastic Ken Doll thing again. He doesn’t have any female friends and that’s a big old red flag in my book. Anyone who can’t be friends with an entire gender probably has some issues.
Occupation: ER Physician
His profile makes him seem like he’s trying really hard to appear worldly. Something about it just seems off. Exampe: “What is your greatest achievement to date? Building my parents a 5,000-square-foot log home on 10 acres in Montana.” Why not just say, “I built my parents a house.” That would have seemed cool rather than try-hard.
Occupation: Tickle Monster
He’s 31 and his occupation is “Tickle Monster.” My roommate just say, “Run far away. As far as humanly possible. That person is a creep. Possibly a serial killer.”
Occupation: Prosecuting Attorney
So, did the producers say, “Rachel is an attorney. We better get a shit ton of other attorneys on this!” Other than having sex in his office a work, Josiah is really boring. He enjoys long phone calls with his mom.
Occupation: Professional Wrestler
Another killer smile. He seems nice enough – nothing glaring that screams “douche canoe!” in his bio, but another boring one.
Occupation: Marketing Consultant
So, he doesn’t know what gluten is, but he selects gluten free options whenever he can. Ugh, and he’s one of those guys that rates women on a numeric scale. Gross.
Well, I’ve finally found someone whose hair I hate more than I hated Robby’s. Lee, you look fucking stupid. I’m amazed he doesn’t say his current look when asked about the most embarrassing style he’s ever rocked.
What the fuck is a “whaboom”? Also, does George W. Bush have a son we don’t know about? Because that’s who I’m pretty sure Lucas is. And what is with these guys bragging about their threesomes? I wonder if they think that will impress Rachel.
Occupation: Construction Sales Rep
He wants to be Matt Lauer so he can help people start off their day on the right foot. This guy is going to get on my nerves quick.
Occupation: Former Professional Basketball Player
So, Michael was a professional basketball player…in Bulgaria. Well, at least now Jordan Rodgers can seem like a legit professional athlete. Honestly, playing basketball in Bulgaria is the most interesting thing about Michael. Moving on.
Occupation: Hotel Recreation Supervisor
I give him credit for honesty at least: “What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.” He also thinks that being romantic means you’re weak. How fragile is your masculinity that you think being romantic makes you weak?
Occupation: Product Manager
He’s going to dress up as gluten for Halloween. I hope this was his way of making fun of that question. HOLY SHIT HE MET THE POWER RANGERS AND 12-YEAR-OLD ME IS INSANELY JEALOUS!!!! I kind of like Mohit. He’s invited to brunch.
Occupation: Business Owner
Ah, this season’s first generic “business owner.” There’s nothing super exciting. He’s completed three Ironman races – one on a broken foot. Good for him, I guess.
Occupation: Law Student
His favorite superhero is Superman, so I pretty much hate Rob. I live in a Batman house. Rob is dead to me.
Occupation: Sales Manager
So, the thing he won’t do for love is be someone’s second choice. Maybe coming on The Bachelorette wasn’t for you, Will. Chances are, you’re not going to be Rachel’s first choice. That’s kind of how this show works.
So, that’s it, Trashies! Here are Rachel’s guys. I think the fillers (the Tickle Monster and Whaboom) are pretty obvious. Hopefully we won’t have some BS like focusing on an over-the-top villain for half the season.
The show starts Monday, 22 May at 9:00 p.m. EDT. I’ll see you then!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram and follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest!