Hello fans! Wow. Soooo. WOW. TRav has yet another sexual assault charge against him. This time from a former nanny. Super gross. And super believable. As much as he drinks and seems obsessed with his sexual potency, I think he’s guilty AS FUCK, and I find it increasingly lame and disgusting that Bravo isn’t releasing any kind of statement. Release something. Even some limp statement about how Bravo takes sexual assault very seriously or some other pandering horseshit. Jesus. Do I have to do everything?? Actually my commenters do. They rule. I read them all, and I don’t comment, but I lurk like a stalker. So this week, we see more enlightened relationship talk by the hideous men of Charleston, Victoria’s immune system wants another boost and returns to Austen, Cam has a false alarm via her stubborn cervix, KDenn becomes the subject of a gossipy circle jerk, and Ashley goes shopping with Patricia to the tune of $10,000. I’ve wetnapped my eyes in order to recap Thomas and Ashley, and I’m ready.
That song has to GO. The Charmers awake and we see Chels about to work out, Naomie totally relatable by sniffing a bad grapefruit
I’m glad I’m not the only one who tries to be virtuous and ends up with rotten fruit
Shep putting his solo cups away from the dishwasher (?) Does anyone really do this? and Cam shuffling around her house “tidying” up the nursery for the 45th time on camera and packing.
No, I don’t regret not spawning
Cam calls her mom, because as she gets her stuff together she is having cramping and pressure. MissKitty can’t feel her fingernails suddenly and is shuddering like she has ague. Bonnie is excited and thinks Cam may be having contractions (ew). They cutely argue about Bonnie not being anxious in the hospital. I really do love those two. Jason is at the hospital on standby.
Next, Chels is at the gym, ready to work out with Kathryn.
Her body is SICK! #stunner
KDenn is ready to work out hahahahaha.
She interviews that she was always in shape growing up, but her body has changed.
She shouldn’t worry. She looks healthy and beautiful
It’s amazing the difference in KDenn. Jettisoning the fat alcoholic narcissist has taken years off her face, and they seem to have settled onto Ashley’s increasingly haggard face. It’s like hanging around Thomas creates a Picture of Dorian Grey style portrait except it’s the live version that ages and becomes hideous. Kathryn admits her goal is to look like Chelsea. Uh yeah, that’d be my goal too. Next she hits a huge tire with a mallet. It looks FUN.
I could think of a few people who would provide inspiration
After, she and Chels sit and talk about dating and Thomas. Kathryn breaks it down that Thomas uses triangulation to cause conflict with his women and it doubly feeds his ego. DING DING DING DING DING.
You got it, girl.
Chels says the best revenge is to get a bangin’ body. And to be happy with your own life, but yes. A thousand times, yes. Kathryn admits she has a formula for dealing with Thomas and it works. I’m SO glad she’s finally seeing what a one-note piece of shit he is. It’s too bad it came at the expense of losing time with her kids, but better late than never.
Austen and Craig are meeting up at a dog park to go running. Hahaha it seems that way anyway. Cute doggos everywhere! One trots by Austen while he’s warming up.
“Woof. Close your goddamn mouth. Woof”
The guys talk breathlessly about Victoria, and how she loves to dance. It’s funny that men gossip as much as girls do; they just don’t want to admit it.
“So then she was like. Then she was all…”
Austen lets slip that Victoria dialed him up for a booty call and they both giggle and then do each other’s hair. We flashback to Austen and Victoria.
She has bad taste in men, but she’s pretty
Austen got tired of Victoria because she liked him… I mean, he had a crisis of conscience and realized he still had feelings for Chelsea and it was unfair to Victoria.
No comment. Just flabbergasted that I was able to screen grab him with his mouth closed.
Craig points out that compatible lifestyles is a huge factor, and he says that being with a girl that didn’t like him for a year sucked.
“You can always start needlepoint!”
Craig says they both need to man-up and move on.
Naomie and Wilson are folding sheets. Wilson says Craig is better at folding sheets and is more domestic.
“A sheet moment! EveryTHANG! Guurrrrrrl! Fabulous!”
I like Wilson, and I’m not slurring gays; I just find it a tired Bravo stunt casting staple to have a sassy gay friend/roommate. Naomie is glad Craig didn’t go to Nico, because they have a “rage and regret” pattern.
“I rage and regret eat” She is looking a bit gaunt is all…
Wilson outs Naomie that she showers only three times a week, and she laughs, embarrassed. MissKitty doesn’t see anything wrong with that, personally, even though we’re all supposed to groan and clutch our collective pearls.
Shep calls his dad, Rip (I had forgotten that was his name) and they talk about how incredibly fortunate Shep is- or rather, that Shep has gotten out of his bars and is focusing on real estate. His other two siblings are responsible and married, and Shep is the black sheep in that regard, but whatever. I don’t think his parents give a Rip. See what I did there? I’m here all week! Tip your bartenders! Try the Clams Casino!
“I slid out of the right vagina, and I love my life” Zzzzzzz
We are next going to Gwynn’s, scene of Kathryn’s excruciating interview, again, this time for Patricia to take Ashley shopping.
“Welcome to Gwynn’s; we love getting free publicity”
Patricia is Professor Higgins-ing Ashley away from the “California look” of lots of decolletage and short up to the “Mason Dixon Line”. In other words, look less like a yacht girl. Ashley tries on Chanel first.
If you’re tall and thin and in Chanel, you can look somewhat classic
Ashley says she feels like a Barbie Doll and Patricia shudders. The next look is gorgeous
Gwynn’s is gooooood…
And finally, a dress from the Dynasty collection that ages her.
Linda Evans, is that YOU?
Patricia and Ashley sit and talk about Thomas. Patricia asks if Ashley wants marriage. Ashley doesn’t want to waste her time.
She is definitely like two-face, the woman in Seinfeld
Patricia says she’s been married three times, but it could have been 20. She encourages Ashley to get her career started in Charleston and be busy, have a life. Says the woman who I never see do anything but day drink and swan around her house with 50 dogs. But I agree with her advice. We find out Patricia’s latest fiance she dated for four months, and he proposed.
She seems super happy and excited about it, too.
So they end up with the “three looks” and the bill is fucking $10,000. Dude. You could get classic looks from fucking eBay for a tenth of that that don’t look like you’re guest starring on The Love Boat with Audrey Meadows.
“Love… Exciting and New…”
Chels and “T” are next in a scene.
I freaking love her dog
She’s calling her brother, Kyle, who used to live with Chelsea and Cam. Chels was always secretly hoping that he and Cam would get together and…
Le Purrrr… Le Mew…. Kyle is a cutie pie
Sorry.. I’m back. Chels says she and Shep are planning a trip to Hilton Head, where both grew up. She talks about how all the kids would meet up and go swimming off the dock
And get sun poisoning, apparently.
Good looking family. She asks about an eccentric aunt who has raccoons living in her house. MissKitty is of the opinion that we could eliminate a few cast members and have HER on the show. I’d watch the shit out of that.
Next, Whitney has crawled out of his crypt and is drinking Barolo with Thomas and Shep. They start asking Thomas about Ashley. Thomas in his usual non-disgusting (as in, TOTALLY disgusting) way, complains about one thing. Whitney breathlessly wonders “WHAT?” when Thomas says the only thing wrong with her is the same wrong thing with all women:
“Plissay ‘they dnTaff cocks'”… [translation] “Please say ‘they don’t have cocks’ Pleas….”
“…. You can’t DATE! HARDY HAR!”
Shep of course roars with forced laughter, throwing his head back.
Oh yes, Shep. It’s SO important that your future wife loves Shakespeare and is from a good family as you have chuckles galore over this accused rapist
Whitney tries to bring the subject back to the relationship not working saying that a certain ennui (and cheese- shout out to my commenter!) has set in. Thomas, who can’t stop himself from talking about Kathryn for longer than 24 minutes, agrees to Whitney’s huffy face and to Shep that they are getting along better than ever and that they started in such a pressured environment. They weren’t using birth control, and having sex ten times a day. Whitney purses his lips and asks if they are still having sex.
“How often are you doing that disgusting thing with that lady?”
Thomas admits every six months or so. SUCH a gentleman. Whatever happened to gentlemen not kissing and telling?
“How do you start? What positions does she like? Does she call you ‘Daddy’?”
Shep waxes on about how she is tall, has red hair and is pretty and has an acerbic wit, and is fun to be around. He says when she walks into the room everyone notices. Yet he also brings up her vulnerability. So basically– they’re all into her. Shep asks if she’s dating anyone, and Whitney butts in to ask “are you horny”
“… for meeeeee?”
Shep is like “I’m not NOT horny…”
“…. for Kathryn”
Meanwhile, Thomas glares at Shep, ready to defend the honor of the mother of his children from being talked about like a cookie jar being passed around. Just kidding.
“Ah already peed ohan huh… Beck off, younger, more virile man. How mech MONEY does your MOMMY give you….?”
We then go to Kathryn, who is trying on clothes for a potential internship at Gwynn’s!
She is going to start by showing Madison looks she’d pull for a forty-something lawyer. Casual looks to a cocktail look. Kathryn, to intense music, hems and haws and eventually pulls some looks. She pulls a lot of black and white and not terrible, they are all versatile, but Madison advises her to put more color. But overall Madison says Kathryn has a good eye and seems pleased.
Yay! Good start. Keep it up
Austen meets up with Victoria.
“I’m here for my VD!”
Victoria says on her lunch break she did hot yoga and as Austen contemplates that, she says she should come over to his house on her two hour lunch break.
Preview of Austen’s face
Victoria gets down to brass tacks and asks Austen flat-out what he wants. He says he wants to be with her. Victoria is worried that he may still have feelings for Chels, and doesn’t want to get hurt again. Austen says “Chelsea doesn’t want him”, which is not exactly the same as “I don’t want to be with her” it sounds kind of like “Well she doesn’t want me, so I may as well go with you.” Victoria accepts his apology for his indecision, and she says she wants only him. Austen lunges like a snake consuming a mouse and boa constrictor’s her face in a disgusting kiss.
MissKitty can feel the saliva covering her cheek apples, chin, and nostrils from here
Patricia is getting ready for her all-male dinner with an Asian vegan theme. I love how the people try to sound all sophisticated and “out there” when this shit has been in my area for decades.
“We’re going to serve something called Pho. It’s a new kind of Vietnamese soup”
Thomas arrives, and Whitney says “let me fix your tie; Jesus Christ”
“Your ties were ALWAYS straight when we were together. I don’t know WHAT has happened to you…”
Austen arrives looking dapper, and then JD comes in hee-hawing.
“BLEHHHH!!! I’ve become a walking caricaturrrrrrre! BLEHHH EHHHHH!”
They ask Thomas about Ashley, and he relays her having a fit wanting to leave the piano bar where they were. I’m SURE there was more to it than that. He probably said something foul to some other woman in front of her.
“Elle I did was tell a woman thet she looked like Kathryn with her red hayer and that I wented to make babies with her”
Austen says the men don’t know how to date- It’s compromise. Look into it. I’ll say this, between Whitney, Thomas and even Shep, I’d rather date Austen. At least he has a modicum of a clue about the real world. Shep arrives, having texted Michael his drink order. Then Craig arrives and they ask about the most important cast member of all….
Naomie did keep him, which makes Craig sad. Thomas asks if he has visitation rights. Craig hilariously says he is trying to model it after Thomas and Kathryn’s custody structure. It’s pretty funny.
Okay you are funny at least once a show
Craig asks if everyone except Patricia is single. Thomas argues he has a girlfriend. Craig (astutely) points out that he’ll never consider Thomas single. Austen admits he’s back with Victoria. Shep seems angry about that.
“WE HAD A PACT!”
As dinner is served, and as they move away from THE CHEESE COURSE, Whitney announces that the meal is vegan. ::crickets:: Shep acts like they’re serving food that causes monogamy.
“Oh God. Not that”
Shep is well-traveled, but he acts like he’s never heard of vegan food. He actually asks what fucking tempeh is and makes a joke about it being a city in Arizona. Oh please. Everyone oo’s and ah’s over the exotic food. I mean, come the fuck ON. I know it’s South Carolina, but Charleston is world-famous for being an amazing food city, and I have a hard time believing these supposedly cultured men haven’t ever heard of tofu or tempeh. It reminds me of Sex and the City 2 when they all acted like Samantha eating hummus was strange, like she was eating hummingbird semen. Patricia quotes an article from the Wall Street Journal titled Cheap Sex and the End of Marriage. “Oh God” Whitney groans. Thomas nods sagely. The rest of the men (except Austen and Craig, who are as “woke” as this band of sausages get) all fidget, since “marriage” scares them worse than “syphilis”. Patricia says that women have a biological clock and if they are 32 and haven’t started a family get worried, while staring pointedly at Thomas. He recoils.
“Who said anything about 32? Christ. I’m eating”
Then he says the most telling thing he’s probably ever said that cements how vile he is:
“WHY CAN’T WE JUST MARRY AS MANY WOMEN AS WE CAN AFFORD?”
OMG. HE IS SUCH A PIECE OF ANACHRONISTIC SHIT
Patricia isn’t fazed by that incredibly gross sentiment, and just goes on about the clothes Ashley got. Thomas thinks the clothes were beautiful. The men all get giant fortune cookies and guffaw over their fortunes.
“HEHHHHHH MY FORTUNE IS INVISIBLE, JUST LIKE MY RENT PAYMENTS AND THE MONEY LEFT FROM ELIZABETH’S INHERITANCE HEHHHHHH!”
OMG Thomas gets his fortune that every exit is an entrance…. to new experiences, but not before Shep is red-faced and not able to contain his laughter. Craig toasts and says “there’d be a lot less kids if that was true” hahahahahahahahahaha! Okay, yeah my mind went to a very dirty place too.
Keeping with appropriate dinner conversation, Thomas slurs that he was told he should get a vasectomy. You should! Urges Shep. I’m sorry, did I miss the memo that talking about snipping someone is classy dinner talk? If so, I’ll be sure to talk about my periods next time I’m at a formal dinner in Charleston where people are dressed in suits. Craig keeps it going by asking if Ashley is on birth control. Thomas says no.
Well. It’s so GOOD that you learned your lesson.
Patricia tells him that Ashley loved her ring and wants a similar one. Thomas slurs that he “told Kathryn…”
“Paging Dr. Freud”
They all point out his gaffe, and Thomas shrugs and smiles insanely.
“I fulfilled my mental quota of talking about Kathryn every 24 minutes”
Next, Kensie and Saint are in their rooms and Thomas points to a hideous drawing of them. Kensie identifies it as “ma”.
What hideous street artist did this abomination?
Kathryn is shown leaving a voicemail for Thomas to meet for dinner. We go back to Cam, who we find out got a drip to cause contractions but Palmer still didn’t come. So she’s shown walking around her house like a full tick, groaning. BORING. Bring on Chelsea’s aunt with the raccoons! NEXT.
Thomas and KDenn meet up for dinner. Thomas stammers about her outfit and Kathryn compliments him.
“I’m obsessed with you”
Kathryn fixes a curl on his forehead and he looks at her like diamonds just fell out of her twat. She gets down to it, which is to tell him that she didn’t like his posting of him, Ashley and the kids on social media. She said it tore her heart out.
Thomas apologizes. Kathyn invites Thomas for her party for Saint on Sunday. He agrees. He asks if he can bring Ashley, and Kathryn doesn’t want her there. Thomas agrees and says it’s important for the kids to see them being civil together. I can see both sides really. It’s also important to see that Ashley and Kathryn can get along. But Thomas talks about Kensie talking about her. Kathryn is moved, and says, she wishes they could just… Thomas finishes, “get back together?”
“It wes 23 minutes since I obsessively brought you epp, so I had to”
Kathryn says “No”. Hahahahahahaha! But they end on a friendly note, as she pulls his curl back.
Next week, the gang goes to Hilton Head, and we see things heat up between Kathryn and Ashley. The cuntiness that I thought I saw in Ashley is coming out and Danni schools her ass! Also OMG OMG OMG! GIZMO MAKES AN APPEARANCE!!! Can’t WAIT!
So what did you all think?? Do you think Bravo needs to make some kind of statement? Something?? Let me know! I love your comments!
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