Hoe-La. Hoe-La. Channeling Bethenny’s Spanish.
Last week, Bethenny gave Dorinda a kick in the ass on the plane ride to Puerto Rico. MisRed actually felt something- it was truly the low point of my RHONY career. Thank god, MisRed had her tear ducts sealed in 1996. MisRed had high hopes for Dorinda, that she was on a journey… but then saw this tweet:
One step up, Two steps back
“Word on the street is” this post was made by Dorinda’s social media person. MisRed has one thing to say- your Social Media person needs to spell-check and proof-read… oh yeah, and insert a comma or two, so people can understand your point. Yes, MisRed knows that this is rich coming from MisRed. However, MisRed is NOTHING if not a hypocrite of the highest order. They might want to fact-check, as well. Dorinda, you need a new social media person… call MisRed.
Sonja basically “Weinstein’d” a Real Estate Photographer. Seriously, if the roles had been reversed, there could have been a lawsuit. Good thing that realtor and the camera were there- poor Travis could have been tied up in the sex dungeon next to the Wesson Oil and the lock of hair from her ex-husband that she is hoping will one day, spontaneously, grow into him, so she can continue The Grand Delusion.
And, Carole made an ass of herself over 3-eggs any style. MisRed can’t go into it. Just re-watch the scene or read my recap. It’s like a Vietnam Flashback for MisRed.
We open in Puerto Rico, with Bethenny and Dorinda landing in San Juan. We greet a bevy of Bethenny’s Hot Crisis Workers. Bethenny distributes cash cards to the team so they can, in turn be distributed to the people in need. Bethenny says that she needs to see where the money is going.
And it better not be Avocado Toast
And then she needs the people who get them to give her a list of how they are used, so she can criticize their life choices.
Dorinda is shocked by what she is seeing. Bethenny interviews “We are so out of touch with our eyelashes and our selfies and our bullshit- and literally people don’t even have the basics. Yes. And you don’t even need to leave the continental US to find it. Dorinda now sees that the media coverage of what happened in PR has been lacking- to say the very least. They begin to distribute the $$.
Dorinda, is particularly moved by the small children she sees, breaking down says “She wants the same things for her daughter that we want for our daughters.” DORINDA. DO NOT DO THIS. IT’S TOO EARLY FOR MISRED TO FEEL SH*T. WE DISCUSSED THIS…
They go around distributing the money. It’s beautiful. If MisRed had a heart, it would be warmed and a little broken, quite frankly. Dorinda is humbled and honored to meet these people.
Back in NYC, we see another form of charity work- Ramona picking up Sonja. They are going- somewhere, it’s unclear. BUT it’s outside of the city, and Sonja is mad because it’s a 30-minute ride and she feels tricked to being taken out of the city.
After the last scene- anyone else want to punch both of these selfish, extra bitches in the face? Sonja interviews “Honestly, this limo is embarrassing, but you have to give it to Singer, she’s trying.” Sonja thinks this is Ramona’s way of apologizing. You know, apologizing for trying to be a friend. She thinks Ramona has figured out that Sonja is really upset with her.
This Limo is embarrassing? Yeah, how horrible to be riding in luxury, for free, and not have to be stressed by traffic. .
MisRed can’t. Where is Ramona? Like the REAL Ramona? Why is Ramona apologizing to Sonja? Sonja was completely out of line.
Sonja thinks she is going to get jet-lag from going to Queens. Ramona should put Sonja on a subway back home. Or make her walk- so she can see how f*cking lucky she is. She pretty much, insults the entire borough of Queens.
WTF Sonja. Can you be grateful for ANYTHING?
They arrive at some store in Great Neck- it is supposedly some friend of Ramona’s. Steven Dann is the name of the joint. However, they are greeted with champagne and what appears to be small slices of Grandma Pizza- and the Steven in “Steven Dann.”
Of course, Sonja is in whore-mode.
Steven is like a tired, oily, poor-man’s Bradley Cooper wannabe with some kind of accent. He might be a former member of Menudo. He looks like he might have been hit on the head by an anvil.
Please be here to kidnap Sonja, please be here to kidnap Sonja…
They look at Chinchilla jackets, which, apparently are in the $20k-$30k range. Ramona tries one on, but Sonja says she “already owns one.” Then says “Sorry. You never could stay caught up with me.” And she laughs hysterically with Steven. You know she is going to 100% try to get Steven to bone her in the dressing room. She is like “There’s a party in my pants and everybody’s cumming.”
Ramona interviews that she doesn’t even care that Sonja is ribbing her. Sonja is in a good mood and Ramona is happy to see it. Sonja really has some nerve. Ramona is loaded. And Ramona is SELF-MADE. Her money is the money she earned. Sonja has nothing that wasn’t provided to her from a dusty, old, chote with a shriveled scrotum.
Sonja is so gross. You know her “chinchilla” is, like, the dead carcass of one like the cat carcasses they find in hoarders. “Oh yes, JP Adams Morgan bought me my own pet chinchilla.” Too bad it didn’t eat Sonja’s face off- Chinchillas are nasty little f*ckers**.
**MisRed went to fact-check her statement about chinchillas and their demeanor- hoping she wasn’t confusing it with some other rodent. The last thing MisRed needs is a bunch of Chinchillas protesting on her lawn. There is a website called “eRodent.” Is this a site with facts about rodents or is a rodent dating site? Somebody check and report back. Oh, and also report back as to whether or not Chinchillas are mean. MisRed can’t be bothered.
At Hotel Hugo, Luann meets with Ben – who is billed as a Cabaret Director. LuAnn then says that she “sings” for her friends and she mostly “does” dance music. Is that the name of LuAnn’s latest boyfriend – Dance Music? Hell, MisRed doesn’t know- if people can rename themselves “Metta World Peace,” why not “Dance Music.”
But apparently Lu is putting on a SHOW. She interviews that she RUNS toward things that scare her as they make her a better person.
BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Ok, sorry, MisRed lost it there for a second.
Can you believe it girls? I’m growing!
So that’s why Lu charged the cops screaming “I’m gonna kill you all!!!” It was an exercise in self-growth.
I’m growing so much, I’m busting out of my jeans.
And Jail? Same- self-growth. Rehab? Same- self-growth.
Maybe Lu could be proxy for MisRed and run toward her daughter, Ictoria and flea-dip her, maybe give her a bath in tomato juice for good measure.
MisRed is thankful she doesn’t have smell-o-vision.
Ever since last week, MisRed has been having nightmares about Ictoria and her “itch.”
Back to Ben.
Wait, Lu says that she “sang” on Broadway once- and Liza Minelli, who saw her performance, snapped her finger, did a head-whip and said “Girl!!!”
MisRed has some questions:
- By “on Broadway,” does LuAnn mean, like, the STREET? Because if that’s the case, MisRed has “sung on Broadway” too. She strolled down that street singing “Build Me Up Buttercup” countless times. (That song will now be stuck in your head all day. No need to thank MisRed.)
- Since when Liza Minelli become a 20-year-old black girl, tossing a head-whip and a snap at middle-aged tone-deaf white women.
- Liza Minelli has a history of substance abuse problems. Should we really be trusting her theater reviews?
Lu is basing her decision to do a Cabaret show is based on encouragement from Liza. Dear, she was mocking you.
Lu tells Ben that she is happy this is finally happening- it’s been in the works for many years. Lu says, “I was busy getting married and divorced.” Ben tells her that she is married to HIM now! Girl, you could do worse. At least you won’t have to worry about him trying to do the tube-steak boogie with every one of your lady friends.
“I’ve fallen on my face many times…”
Lu just wants to “close this chapter of my life, I just want to move on and be happy and live in peace.” Well, at least until she threatens to kill us all in a few months.
Ben wants to prepare the show for February – yeah, Lu will still be in rehab then. He also wants to get Tony Bennet’s musical director. Well he and LuAnn do wear the same size jock-strap. Then Ben asks Lu to sing- HAPPY BIRTHDAY- live, for him. So, she does… OMG.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppy Biiiiiiiiiiiiiirth-day,Ah! tooooooooooo you,ah!
Oh my god. Poor Ben, I think his face may have turned to stone.
Lu doesn’t sound horrible. I mean, she can’t carry a tune in a bucket, but she talk-sings like a top tier Drag Queen. Well, bless her heart.
Back in Puerto Rico, Bethenny and Dorinda give out some more $$. It’s pitch black because there is still no power in PR. F*ck! These poor people. Dorinda is worried about the rodents in these dilapidated structures and how dangerous that can be.
Did the Hurricane hit Sonja’s house too?
MisRed has an idea. Send Steven Dann down to catch some and make some new coats for Ramona and Sonja.
One lady says that Bethenny is the first person to come in and give them money. Bethenny pats herself on the back a little saying that none of the advertised relief money is actually going to the people.
Very sad. Bethenny’s team has a group hug and kiss and say, “Pass it on.” Absolutely one of MisRed’s favorite sayings. Pass goodness on. Pass kindness on. Pass generosity on.
Ok, let’s get back to ripping these hoes apart. MisRed is passing THAT on. Yes, it feels like herpes, I know.
Back in NYC the ladies meet for dinner. Dorinda is not joining them as she is sick. They order a $600 bottle of wine. <rolling eyes>. MisRed loves a good $600 bottle of wine as much as the next person, but it’s a little gross, especially considering the disaster relief storyline going on in this episode.
MisRed was curious if all of the NY Housewives donated $ to help Puerto Rico- and found an article that Bethenny said they all did, except for Sonja. She said that not everyone can donate to everything, and everyone donates in their own way. True. Maybe Sonja could donate her vagina to PR. There must be some horny dudes there who need some “relief.” Maybe she could help. Then again, these people have suffered enough.
LOL then reading on in the article, it mentions that when Bethenny was on WWHL- a caller asked who had slept with more people- LuAnn or Sonja? Bethenny says that Lu “was married longer, so Sonja had more time to get work done.” A legacy, indeed. On the same website there was a new article about Aviva trash-talking Carole, which MisRed has to say was amusing. Aviva refers to herself as a “fan favorite.” Oh dear.
No one throws a fake leg like Aviva!
At dinner, the girls talk about Tinsley and Scott- who cares. Sonja arrives. After some brouhaha over seating, she sits down. Apparently, Bethenny set Sonja up with some guy.
Wow. Wonder what that guy did to Bethenny. Now that is REVENGE.
Tins says to Carole- she thought Sonja was with Rocco and Frenchie. Carole says that Frenchie’s contract has expired. Lol. Carole and Tinsley are talking amongst themselves and giggling at Sonja’s expense. Bethenny says she feels bad for Sonja- she always looks like she doesn’t belong and is “sticking out like a buck tooth at the end of the table.”
Yeah, well, maybe if she arrived on time, that wouldn’t happen.
And Tinsley and Carole aren’t into Sonja, at all. Bethenny says that she feels sorry for Sonja- and that Tinsley and Carole are making her feel left-out. Sonja says that she’s the one who brought Tinsley into the group and now they aren’t even friends anymore. Bethenny tries to clarify the sitch- saying that Tinsley came to NYC – at her rock bottom, Sonja welcomed her into her home, and introduced her around, now Tinsley is with this guy and Sonja and Tinsley don’t speak. Bethenny has compassion for Sonja and says, she’s never heard Tins say “thank you” to Sonja for helping her facilitate a change in her life.
In fairness, this is Sonja’s side of the story, spun and viewed through Sonja’s skewed lens. Sonja wasn’t exactly the most hospitable host to Tinsley. And let’s not forget- Sonja planted stories in the press about Tinsley being a BAD houseguest and now is spreading rumors (with not a ton of supporting evidence except Sonja’s imagination.) that Tinsley is a kept woman and god knows what else. Tinsley, probably could have included Sonja in more things and showed her appreciation throughout her stay, as opposed to at the end with a “Thank You/F*ck You Party” and gift certificate.
This is going to get heated, so MisRed is going to try to NOT recap it word for word.
Ok, Bethenny is going in. She says to Tins that Sonja may say sh*t that isn’t based in fact or isn’t easily understood, and it can be maddening- but as an outside, objective “viewer” of the situation, it appears that Tinsley came to NYC at “the bottom….” Tinsley agrees. Carole pipes in with “Yes, emotionally.” Bethenny clarifies she is talking to Tinsley, not Carole. And Carole is like- I just said “Emotionally.” Bethenny is like- well WTF did you think I meant?
Tinsley agrees that yes, when she came to NY she was “at the bottom.” But is a little confused as to why Bethenny is suddenly picking on her, when Bethenny doesn’t really know the facts.
Sonja says, “You told me you had no friends and needed help.” Tinsley says this is not true. Bethenny says that Sonja hasn’t said a word. Honey, rewind, she just said Tinsley had no friends. And… Tinsley repeats this- that Sonja JUST SAID that Tinsley had no friends.
L I T E R A L L Y
Everyone bickers. Bethenny tells Tinsley to stop yelling. Tinsley says that Sonja gossiped about her relationship. Carole says that Bethenny yells more than anyone. Bethenny asks Carole why she “always defends the person sitting next to you?”
Did Scott get Sonja a job as a housekeeper at the hotel?
Sonja says, “Not even a text to say, ‘Thank you for cleaning my room.” Really Sonja? YOU cleaned Tinsley’s room. Surely it was one of the various Pickles being held hostage.
Ramona and Lu- tell everyone to stop yelling. Tinsley says she is trying to express her point- and Lu tells her to do it without yelling. Yes, yes, Lu whispered “I’m gonna kill you all” don’t cha know.
Carole asks Bethenny “Why are you on me? Like, get off my jock.” Bethenny says that she loves Carole and considers her to be a good friend, but that Carole just, like, parrots, what’s going on with the person she happens to be closest to in the moment. And that Carole doesn’t have her own voice.
Well, she does. It’s sounds like she’s been gargling with gravel and broken glass. And… Carol claps back at Bethenny with one of Bethenny’s most famous catch-phrases.
Lu thinks there is something going on between Carole and Bethenny and it isn’t the Sonja/Tinsley situation. Check out Carol’s Bravo Blog this week- there is DEFINITELY something going between them.
Sonja tells Tinsley that she could- at least- be polite to her in front of her friends. Yes, you don’t have to be rude.
MisRed does like Carole’s top…
At some point later, maybe a few days, Carole meets with an editor at Cosmo. Carole is going to writing a piece for Cosmo- she would like for it to be on sexual harassment. Carole has a “me too” story, she says that she met some director who told her “if you rub my nipples for 30 seconds, I’ll cum.” Carole isn’t sure that’s even possible. Yeah, MisRed isn’t either, but would be interested to find out- you know, if I could get hooked up with some type of plastic jumpsuit and a bee-keeper’s helmet.
Bethenny meets Dorinda for lunch. Dorinda says that she crashed after Puerto Rico and slept for two days- but she came out of it clear headed and in a very quiet space.
It’s called being HUMBLED.
Puerto Rico made Dorinda want to think about her life more positively. Bethenny tells Dorinda about the dinner with the ladies and tells about the fighting.
In her interview, Bethenny says that Sonja gave Tinsley a leg-up when she needed it, and now Sonja needs a leg-up and Tinsley isn’t there for her. Bethenny says “I don’t think this is her whole reason for being a whack job- that’s a separate conversation.” Bethenny thinks that Tinsley ignoring Sonja is feeding Sonja’s madness.
Fair enough. However- if Tinsley and Sonja could just sit down and have a normal, rational conversation, it would probably fix this problem fairly easily. If Tinsley could admit she hasn’t been as nice as she could have been to Sonja, it would probably go a long way with Sonja. But Sonja doesn’t ever admit when she is wrong. She believes her own delusions. We see it all the time with her. She says things that are not true or that are exaggerated from a micro-kernel of truth and then when someone calls her on it, she’s like “Oh well, that’s what I heard.” It’s really hard to fix issues with people like this because they are incapable of seeing anyone’s side but their own. Just look at the Sonja/Dorinda situation.
Their food arrives, and Dorinda says, “Is Adam back there?” (in the kitchen, because the meal is good.) Bethenny says that she asked Adam to come to Houston when Hurricane Harvey hit, to document the journey and efforts. Adam asked what he would be paid. Bethenny said he wouldn’t be paid. She also says that in this whole process, Hurricane Harvey / Puerto Rico- not one single person has asked to be paid. So, Adam said he couldn’t do it if he wasn’t going to be paid because “I can’t afford to not work the next week, so I was wondering if I would be compensated.” Bethenny said it rubbed her the wrong way.
Dorinda thinks that Carole would support that type of thinking. Bethenny disputes it. She says that there have been a few things that have made Bethenny think that Adam is a bit of an “operator.” Bethenny says that Carole told her that everyone is an operator. Anyone who is successful in business is an operator. And that Carole is glad that he’s a hustler.
Bethenny says that she dropped it. Dorinda asks if Bethenny thinks that changed her relationship with Carole? Bethenny thinks it’s more that their lives are just different, and that Carole probably does have more in common with Tinsley, as they basically don’t have anything going on in their lives and neither has a career. LOL. As if finding a man to sponsor you isn’t a career. That sh*t is a full-time job.
Here is where you REALLY want to check out Carole’s blog. She flips her wig about Adam and his accomplishments, Bethenny and her career and her motives… it’s scary.
Ramona and Lu go over to Sonja’s house. As they arrive, Sonja is in the process of blaming a stain on the couch on Pickles. Sonja says “LOOK! I’ve cleaned up EVERYTHING. And removed all of my pictures.” Still looks cluttered as hell to MisRed.
Sonja’s idea of de-clutter leaves something to the imagination.
Lu is happy that Sonja is finally doing something about leaving her house. Sonja invited them over to help paint some patio furniture. ??? Sonja has bought painters suits and booties and goggles for all of them. ???
Really? This is what you think is keeping you from renting your $32,000 /month townhouse?
They get into their suits and Ramona is like- my crotch is too low. Lu says hers fits just right. Ramona says, “That’s because you are LuMan!!” Lu clarifies that it’s because she is tall. And Ramona giggles “Yeeeaaaaaaaaah, like a MeeeeeAAAAAAN.” Good one Ramones. They start to paint and it’s so stupid. SPRAY PAINT, PEOPLE. It could be done in 5 minutes,
They discuss the dinner and how Bethenny was laying into Carole. Lu says she thinks Bethenny was right. Regarding Tinsley, Lu says that she could be a little more grateful to Sonja. “She came out from being arrested, right? She comes to New York. She has a place to stay. You know, her life has made a total 360.” Teeeeheeeee, LuMan is dumb.
I think you mean 180, C*ntess
LOL Ramona says “Well, actually, it’s a 180.” MisRed is mind-melding with Ramona… the Universe is about to implode.
Annnnnd…. Everyone ignores Ramona. Hahahah. Lu and Sonja say that Tinsley could have left if she wasn’t happy. She did. Sonja says that Tinsley left when she met Scott. That Scott came in and packed her up and moved her to a hotel. “It’s a New York story. It’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
Yeah. like when JP picked Sonja, the hostess, up at that Italian Restuarant and made her his bitch.
MisRed’s guess is, Scott probably wanted to hump Tinsley in peace… in a place where he could procure some CLEAR ice.
She looks so happy.
Sonja interviews, quite belligerently, she is happy for Tinsley that she has Carole and Scott! But she wishes she still had Tinsley as a friend.
Sonja says, “Oh yeah, just paint right over the bird crap.” Sonja is so gross. But she’s a legacy.
Carole goes over to Karen Duffy’s (aka “Duff”) book signing party. Carole seems to take credit for the nickname “Duff.” Ok, Carole, whatever. Duff has written a book about chronic pain. They have been friends for years. Duff says she “raised Carole since she was a pup.” Hmmm, and you failed to each her about ordering eggs in a restaurant.
Lu and Ramona arrive. There is a Vodka fountain… Yolanda Foster is tending bar.
I don’t have lemons. I only have zee lymes.
Ramona keeps asking if there is a coat check. Ramona tells Carole that she, Lu and Sonja were discussing how Carole really has “a voice” now. Ramona says she can’t believe that Bethenny said “Carole is a puppet.” First, she was the puppet of Heather, then Bethenny, and now Tinsley. Carole is like- she didn’t say that. Ramona is like “She said it. You just didn’t hear her.”
We flashback and Carole didn’t hear Bethenny. Mostly because Bethenny didn’t say it. Leave it to good old Ramones to stir the pot.
Carole doesn’t think that Bethenny would say that Carole was a puppet. Ramona is like “Oh, maybe she said ‘defend’ and I’m thinking the word “puppet.”
Yanni or Laurel
Carole is like- maybe YOU think I’m a puppet. Ramona thinks that she may not have gotten the words right but that it was derogatory.
LOL- Oh Ramona. Show of hands if you would be angry if they were accused of “defending” someone? Show of hands if you would be angry if you were called “a puppet.”
What about a Muppet?
How about a Marionette?
Dorinda comes and immediately drops her drink on the floor. Lol she doesn’t even appear to be wasted.
Bethenny arrives and of course is like “Oh, I’ve been here before…” Carole approaches Bethenny and asks- prefacing it with the fact that Ramona could, in fact, be a lunatic, if Bethenny called her a puppet.
Bethenny denies it. And says that she doesn’t believe she used the word Puppet. I mean, she could have MEANT it.
Tinsley shows up and Ramona compliments her on her dress.
Thanks, it’s a Polly Flinders
Sonia shows up.
Bethenny confronts Ramona about using the word “puppet.” Lu says, “It was her interpretation.”
Bethenny says the same thing MisRed would have said “Oh, you are doing interpretations now? What are you, the UN?”
Imagine the state of the world if Ramona really WAS an interpreter at the UN.
Bethenny says that she meant more “wing man” and less “puppet.” Ramona is like- OKaaaaay, maybeeee I heard it wronnnnng.”
Bethenny thinks that Ramona loves to get people worked up into a tizzy and then swoop in and be there for the underdog.
Dorinda gathers the girls, she says they are all going to the “Berserk-shires” the following week and she is having a Murder-Mystery dinner.
Can Dorit be the one that gets killed? It would be a crossover- but MisRed thinks it would be perfect.
So, Dorinda assigns each of the ladies a character. Dorinda’s character wants to abolish alcohol to uphold the moral code. If Dorinda pulls this off… she will get an Oscar.
Imagine Dorinda’s Oscar Speech. It would be like Matthew McConoughey but less coherent and more cursing.
Bethenny will be a chick who is the brains behind the man but never gets any credit for her skills.
Tinsley’s character runs the inn next door. Carole will be a 1920’s congress woman. Ramona has to dress in feathers. Lu will be playing a dude. Sonja’s character is a whore, wait no, Sonja is a whore, but her character is a crooked accountant. Still fitting. Lu wouldn’t be surprised if there was a murder.
Tinsley asks to speak to Sonja privately. She says she has heard about the things Sonja said about her to Dorinda. That she was a broke-down ho, and Scott pays her way, etc. Tinsley says she just wants to move forward and says “If I’ve ever made you feel like I wasn’t grateful for living with you, I am sorry. I was always grateful. I will always be grateful. “ Tinsley asks that if Sonja has an issue with her that she speak to her directly and not to the other women. They hug.
Tinsley interviews that she just wants to end the back and forth because once you start that, it never ends. Sonja says, “It’s all in the past.” Yes, just like where Sonja lives, in the past. And… MisRed doesn’t believe for one hot second that Sonja is going to stop doing what Sonja does best. No! Not being butt-f*cked by a pirate impersonating Johnny Depp. Shit talking and rumor spreading, Silly!!!!
Everyone seemingly is getting along. Dorinda says she saw Tom the night before- and he annoys her. She asked him what kind of jerk has a New Year’s Eve Party on the same Yacht as he held his engagement party with LuAnn.
Dorinda says it’s disrespectful. Tinsley says “Dick-respectful?” And Dorinda says she told Tom that he was a jerk and to keep his sluts away from her. Eh, who cares. Maybe he got a good deal on the yacht rental.
Yeahhhhh, we had to stage a fight at some rando’s party so it might was well be yours.
Then Carole toasts Duff and it’s over.
MisRed is exhausted. But tell me your thoughts on the Bethenny v Carole Feud. What about Sonja v Tinsley- will they REALLY move forward??? Will the aliens that kidnaped Ramona’s personality ever bring her back?
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