Hey Trashies! We open part 2 of the VPR season 6 reunion with Jax hollering at Schænə, who runs off to cry, only to get called out by Ariana for wearing fake eyelashes. It is established that Schænə not only texted Jax, but checked on him via text every day through KFC. Schænə’s not okay, but she is a professional, so let the games begin.
First we talk about Lala’s man. Lalz and Randall been together two years, and she insists she did nothing wrong at the outset, because when they started dating, he was legally separated. Everyone has met him, and the Toms have played poker with him. And he loves the show. But he’s not the only big time Hollywood movie guy who watches and loves VPR — according to Lalz, so does Martin Scorsese.
Lalz says ‘Rand’ likes to watch the show, and be the little gossip king.
Andy asks what kind of gifts Rand gives her, and Lala says shoes, purses, cars. Schænə mumbles “Materialistic things.” Lala says anyone who criticizes her is just jealous. As far as money goes, her music comes out of her pocket. As for rent, her man gave her a cap, which she is well over. Lalz says she gets cars leased for her, but she best be paying insurance on them — multiple cars. In fact, she arrived to the reunion in a BMW i8.
Sandy asks if it’s her weekend car, and Lala says that like Lisa, she has it for a few months to ‘dink around’ in. Lisa says it’s not like her, because she works for her vehicles, and not that kind of work, dahling.
Lala says, “Okay, why is it that I have a sugar daddy, but James is living on some guy’s floor and his rent’s being paid, and no one’s calling him a sugar daddy?” James claims he pays rent. So now we get the lowdown on James’s situation. This guy Paul has his own bedroom, and James sleeps in the living room and pays rent, while Paul goes back and forth between L.A. and San Francisco.
Now we get a little clip of James at home. He’s in the living room making music, and in comes Paul with his little dog, Bosco (which incidentally means ‘wood’ in Italian).
Paul says, “I think I owe you a dinner,” and James replies, “Not tonight, but yeah.”
Andy asks if it’s hypocritical for James to be mouthing off about Lala’s situation when he’s living with a guy who may be helping him. James quickly jumps in, and says it maybe IS a little hypocritical of him, since he didn’t know Lala was paying her own rent, and he’s very sorry, now can we just drop it? Andy asks, “Lala, what does your boyfriend make of James, who’s called him a fat old man?”
Lala asks how Andy would like it if he was called that, and Andy says he wouldn’t love it. Then we get a flashback to the ‘not about the pasta’ day, and James and Lalz get into another kerfuffle with feathers flying all about, ending with Lala telling James, “You’re dismissed.”
On to Stassi’s ‘F*ck Jax’ party. Andy asks, was the purpose of the party to cheer up KFC or dump on Jax? Apparently, KFC maneuvered it so they were afraid she’d move back to Kentucky if they didn’t do something quick. So they set out to establish that Jax was not the link between them, because she is their friend.
KFC is grateful for all their intervention that kept her on the show. Jax thanks them too, because if they hadn’t done that, he would have lost Brit-Brit. Andy asks Kristen what she thinks about Jax saying it’s his relationship and nobody should meddle in it. Kristen says that’s BS. She may not know how it is behind closed doors, but KFC is her best friend, so it is their business, because they care.
Now we find out why Ariana was 100% sure Jax slept with Faith multiple times — it’s because James and others told her Faith said so. Jax swears on his father that it was just once. Lisa says, “She was chasing him, clearly.” Not to excuse Jax; of course, she wanted some of his gorgeous body, but also, she wanted to be part of this whole situation. “That’s why she taped him,” Lisa points out, “it was a premeditated move.”
James ran to the bathroom with Faith’s phone, and sent the recording to himself, so he’d have it in his back pocket. Weirdly, Jax says he would have done the same thing. Lala does not regret playing the tape for Brit-Brit, because she asked her if she wanted to hear it. Just then, Sandy jumps in. “Lala,” he asks, “If you are shitfaced, utterly shitfaced, and I tell you I have a recording of your boyfriend with some other dude…”
Lala shouts, “Maybe not be with another woman! Have you thought about that?!” Sandy shouts back, “At that point and time at a housewarming party, it’s not the right time for that, let’s be real.” KFC says, “Maybe it wasn’t the right time, but…” Jax wonders, “Is there a right time?” Lala says, “Is there a right time to stick your dick into someone who’s not your girlfriend?”
“Lala!” scolds Lisa, because clearly this is 87% Faith’s fault.
Katie said if she ever went on a private jet it would be because she chartered it, not because of someone’s sugar daddy married boyfriend. But then she went on Lala’s PJ.
Andy asks what made her change her mind? Schænə says, “An invitation.” Katie says she said a lot of things just because she was a hateful person, and she wanted to sh*t on Lala’s parade, which she now regrets.
Katie says life is very short, and tomorrow is not promised, so she’s not going to stress about these things. Schwa says it’s super sexy when she talks like that, causing James to smirk.
Andy asks James, did Schwa get off the hook too easily for kissing Lala’s friend (who was also Katie’s Facebook friend, and had gone to high school with her)? James says yes, he thinks so. Andy says how awkward it was to have the conversation at SUR in front of everyone. Ariana claims she was trying to make it as private and discreet and respectful as possible, while still doing it on camera. Schwa says he just wanted to curl up and disappear, and after all he put Katie through, he felt like a opossum’s prick.
This throws everybody off, then Schwa explains he was watching Smokey and the Bandit the other night. Then he extols the virtues of ‘falling apart in moderation’, which he claims is good for the mind, body and soul. Lisa shakes her head and says, “There’s no excuse for drinking that much! Did you see him in Mexico? Blackout drunk.”
We get a Mexico flashback of the night Schwa ended up at the other resort and didn’t remember what happened. Katie says that’s the blacking out that scares her, because they’re in a foreign country, and he could get kidnapped, killed or drowned. Sandy emphatically agrees.
Katie reports that he’s doing better with the drinking, then Sandy says people just come up and buy them shots, and Schwa has a problem saying no. Andy does some role playing. Schwa’s answer to being offered a shot is, “Okay I’ll do one.” Lisa is not amused. “Tom, I’m telling you, I would sever our relationship if I had a partner that gets so drunk that he’s blacked out on the floor making out with somebody. It’s not going to happen.”
On to Stassi’s birthday. Ariana says, “I’d say I had it first, but I’m just saying I’m older.” Haha! That joke never gets old. So the worst thing Patrick did in Stassi’s eyes was not dress up for her murder party.
Katie offered Stassi an ass shot, never mind that the stripper was supposed to be a guest, and being sodomized with a shot glass was not her bag, anyway, so Stassi did the a**holish thing, and threw a fit and ran away. And the amazing thing was, Kristen and Katie didn’t follow her. They say it’s the dawn of a new epoch, and they’re not going to follow Stassi anymore when she’s an a**hole and runs away.
On to James and See You Next Tuesday. We get a flashback to James the night he got his job back, shouting, “The White Kanye made it back to SUR, bitch!” Andy asks Lisa, “Any hesitation or reticence about the name of his event?” Lisa says no, because she has a sense of humor, and she actually thinks it’s brilliant. Me too. Now he’s also got Thirsty Thursdays, but he calls them Thirsty SURsdays.
Now we talk about James’s dad, Andros. Lisa said he was quite the man about town. This was in George Michael’s heyday, and they were always together. James says he and George spent all holidays together, and the inheritance is still in the works. His father still lives in London, but is making moves to come back to California, to be close to James and his two brothers.
James got so emotional seeing his dad because he’s like James’s best friend. Lisa says it’s been tough, what James’s parents have been through, and it’s taken a toll on James. Andy asks Kristen to weigh in, and she says she felt at the time there was a lot of pressure on three young boys, and it wasn’t their problem.
Now we’re on to Schænə trying to set Brittany up with Adam. Schænə feigns innocence, then they remind her she said on camera that this was retaliatory, and she’s f*cking with his relationship. “I say dumb sh*t sometimes, same as we all do,” says Schæ-shoe. They all roll their eyes.
Jax doesn’t think KFC did anything inappropriate with Adam. He also says Adam pulled him aside and said he wasn’t interested, but Schænə had asked him to talk to KFC. Jax was upset with Schænə because she was his friend, but Schænə says she told him before many times that she would always choose KFC over him when he was in the wrong.
“Brittany is he cute?” asks Andy. KFC says, “I think Adam is cute.” Lala says, “Yeah, he’s cute, but who wants to f*ck a cute guy? Nobody.” Andy says, “I do,” and Lisa says here, here to that. Lala coos, “No, I wanna f*ck a maaaaaan,” while wiggling around in her seat like she’s really turned on. KFC grabs Jax, pulls him to her, and kisses him on the head.
Time for Billie Lee, SUR’s newest hostess! As Billie Lee is introduced, everybody claps and blows her kisses, because she has such a wonderful energy, like Jax.
Billie Lee grew up in Indiana, and felt the negativity. Then she moved to L.A., and tried to get a job as a server, but she was in the awkward in-between stages of her transition, and gave off too much masculine energy, according to the Masculine Energy Police. Also, in L.A. you need a head shot for people to give you the time of day, and this was apparently a problem for her, because people couldn’t tell ‘what’ she was.
So she looked at porn to find a pretty, edited vagina, and is very pleased with the one she bought in Thailand. Andy asks Lisa if she loves her own vagina, and Lisa says not so much, since she was born with it and didn’t choose it, but hopefully Ken does.
Now we talk about date night with Jeremy, and Stassi raining on Billie’s parade, which was not cool, being as Jeremy is a cute guy, and it’s not easy for some people to get dates, even if they manage to get that pesky masculine energy under control. Then we discover Billie Lee and Jeremy still ‘hang out’, and even kick it, on occasion.
Kristen says she was worried Jeremy would just want to f* Billie, because she saw him hitting on multiple people at Katie’s wedding. Stassi says every guy has their moment when they’re drunk and hitting on multiple girls, which is creepy, but she had no idea it would be hurtful to Billie Lee to lay all that on her the minute she scored a date, sheesh. Billie Lee can’t believe Stassi wouldn’t understand that, and now we must delve into the unpleasant subject of Stassi’s privileged white ass.
Ariana thinks it definitely needed schooling, and Billie was just the one to do it, in the most gentle and loving way possible. Huh, I think I missed that part. Andy asks if Billie’s dating life has improved since she’s been on the show, and she says not really.
Andy says it will.
Time for Jax and Kelsey. What more can be said about Kelsey that hasn’t already been said? Andy asks if the tapping really worked, and Jax says he doesn’t know. Then the gang has a heyday on Kelsey’s ass, which is really fun. Stassi says she changed her voice to sound like a sex operator. Lisa says all she did was pump up Jax’s ego. James says they hugged for way too long. They say she was talking about stuff she had no business saying, like that Jax should leave Brit-Brit and set her free, and all that really unfair, line-crossing, nasty-ass BS she pulled on KFC.
Andy says it was really something seeing Jax set out croissants and ‘incest’ — whoops! I’ll say. Jax didn’t remember he’d tell Kelsey he loved her, so we flash back to that touching moment.
They all agree, Kelsey was the worst.
Now we’re on to Lala’s definition of feminism, which Lisa says is different to everybody else’s. Here is Lalz’s definition: “The female body is beautiful, and if you wanna bring your tits out to do whatever, then you do you, girl.” Lisa loves Lala, but she doesn’t think it’s exactly feminism to brag about trading BJs for jewelry, etc. Lala says, “Well, keep in mind I’m blowing my boyfriend, not some random guy.”
Andy says most people would not see her as a feminist, because she drives a car that was paid for by a guy, and she has been known to body shame other women, then invite them on her man’s PJ instead of Schænə. Lala has never considered herself a feminist, she just thinks of herself as giving power to the pussy, to be honest.
But what does Ariana think? Does Lala’s ignorant ass need schooling? No, actually. Ariana proclaims that you have the power to do what you want with whatever you have, if you’re Lala, and body shaming Katie and Stassi is just a part of what it is to be a feminist, or a woman, or anybody, for that matter.
For her part, KFC thinks Miss Summer Bodies has a positive message about not criticizing and judging other women, especially if they’ve gained weight, and you don’t even know the person, and don’t even know what they’ve gone through, and are just writing a humorous recap wherein you simply repeat what their cast mates have already said about them. Besides, being judgmental can cause you to grow tumors, so it’s best not to judge people — unless they have tumors, then judge away. Andy asks, “Jax, do you agree?”
Jax says, “Hashtag me too!” and they all burst out laughing, convulsing and covering their faces in what may pridefully — (yet possibly ignorantly) — be identified as the second Ari Safari moment of the reunion.
Time for Katie and Tom! Andy says Katie is dealing with her anger differently. Katie says she took inventory of her life, and began loving and accepting herself more, which led to being an easier person to love. Schwartz lovingly says she was a nightmare of a human being for a good long time. Lisa jumps in to say, “And you were perfect? No.”
The story, which is a little different than the version we heard on WWHL, is that she was at her friends apartment, and they were on the roof taking pictures. She perched on the skylight for a pic, and down she went. In the WWHL version, they were playing Monopoly and drinking wine while Katie was seated on the skylight. However it happened, it was horrific — Katie dropped 25 feet and broke her shoulder, collarbone, pretty much all of her ribs, her jaw in two places, and got a subdural hematoma, which is bleeding between the brain and its surrounding membrane.
Katie says watching the video was surreal, she hadn’t seen it for a long time. It was shot seven days after the incident, when she was full-on ‘Kanye West’ through-the-wire. KFC announces that she couldn’t stop crying while watching that video, thereby winning the coveted Best Person Ever in a VPR Reunion prize.
Katie absolutely thinks the PTSD and depression from the accident affected her anger issues. Schwa was an exercise physiology major in pre med, and has always been fascinated with how fragile yet resilient the human body is, and he always wondered if the accident played a part in Katie’s mood issues, not that he’s a neurologist or anything. “You’re not?” asks Lisa, and they all laugh… a little too much, if you ask us. But we’re no expert, you better check in with Ariana on that one.
Then we relive the magical moment when Schwa got to see Katie become again who he knew she always was (his angel), which was the most moving thing Ariana ever saw in her ENTIRE LIFE — proving yet again that although you can make shapes with Ariana, you’ll never be in her circle.
Next week, Tom scolds Lisa for giving Stassi a power position. Jax insists James full-on admitted to hooking up with Kristen. And Lisa offers to buy Jax and KFC a condom, then tells Kristen to shut up.
Stay tuned, Trashies…
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