Hi, Trashies! It’s the trashiest time of the year! That’s right, The Bachelorette is back! I know you’ve been excited for this. In case you forgot, Becca originally “won” Arie’s heart and a Neil Lane ring only to be dumped on camera for the runner up. ABC has decided to make it up to her by letting her pick from 28 different men on national TV. Of course, we have to make snap judgments about these guys based solely on their bios, so let’s get right to it!
Becca gets 28 men and 1 ugly blazer.
Occupation: Construction Manager
Alex is described as a “self-proclaimed country music lover.” Did they really have to specify “self-proclaimed”? Is there someone our their telling other people what music they prefer?
Occupation: Sales Rep
Blake’s head is weirdly square. Seriously, he looks like a Rubik’s cube. There’s really nothing interesting about him. He was a college athlete and also loves swing dancing. *Yawn.*
Occupation: Advertising VP
Chase looks like a soap opera decided to run a “Ben Higgins’ Evil Twin” storyline. His bio just talks about playing college baseball. So, yeah, he’s one of those guys that peaked really early.
Occupation: Sales Trainer
He’s determined to retire in his 40s like the other members of his family. Sorry, bro, you’re not going to be doing that as a sales trainer. Maybe he’s hoping the Instagram money will help him out with that.
There has to be a better picture of this guy. He’s afraid of spilling something on himself in front of Becca. Seriously, that’s his biggest date fear. These guys are boring.
Occupation: Former Harlem Globe Trotter
Of course we have to have someone who lists their occupation as something they used to do. His smiles makes up for it though. According to his bio, Christon is a “professional dunker” in LA. What does that mean? Is he playing for a pro team? Why did he not list his job as that?! That’s way cooler than “Former Harlem Globe Trotter.”
Occupation: Pro Football Player
I have no idea who this guy plays for. I’m not up on the sports ball teams. I know I don’t like this guy because he doesn’t curse. How is that going to work with all of Becca’s “Let’s do the damn thing”s?
Occupation: Former Pro Football Player
Do you think he played the same way Jordan Rodgers did? OK, I can’t be too mean to him. He has a charity dedicated to helping children with Cystic Fibrosis. For that alone, he’s my favorite. You’re invited to brunch, Colton. Don’t fuck it up.
Occupation: Fitness Coach
Another former pro athlete, but at least he doesn’t define himself as such. He’s this season’s obligatory fitness coach.
Occupation: Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
His bio reads like a Miss America speech. This guy better be gone night one, or I’ll be sleeping through most episodes.
Occupation: Venture Capitalist
He loves guacamole, but hates avocado. How the hell does that work? Does he know what guacamole is? This is another boring one.
He just describes himself as funny and sarcastic. My guess is that’s code for “Grant is an ass hole and tries to cover it up by saying, ‘It’s just a joke!'”
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Garrett’s bio tells us that he spends his time working on perfecting his Chris Farley impression. That’s not something to brag about, Garrett.
Occupation: Marketing Consultant
What did Jake do to the production staff that they chose this picture of him? He calls himself a hopeless romantic who loves to write poems. Ugh, do we really need a poet?
Occupation: Senior Corporate Banker
Another terrible picture. Who the hell did they get to take these photos? I’m not sure which will be worse – Jake’s poems or Jason’s singing. I hope theyr’e both gone night one.
I can’t roll my eyes hard enough at that occupation. My guess is Jean Blanc is one of those obnoxious people at a kiosk in the mall who sprays people with cologne as they walk by. Nope. That’s not even his job. He just likes cologne. He works in finance. I bet he’s that guy in the office who wears way too much cologne.
Occupation: Grocery Store Owner
Would it be too far if I made the obvious “Trader Joe’s” joke? Look, I love puns, but “Successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love, Joe’s ripe and ready to be picked by the Bachelorette” is too cringey even for me.
Occupation: Software Engineer
John likes wine tasting, so I can’t hate him too much, but I do question his claim that his banana bread is “world famous.” Has anyone heard of John’s banana bread before this very moment?
Occupation: Male Model
Thanks for specifying that you are a male model, Jordan. I would have had no idea otherwise. His bio is all about his “good looks” and how fast he can run. I’m gonna hate this guy. A lot.
Occupation: Social Media Participant
How the hell is that an occupation? Aren’t most people in the world “social media participants”? Is Kamil basically telling us he’s an Instagram shill even before the season starts?
Is Leo just Russian Alex with a long wig? I wouldn’t be mad to have more Alex on my TV. I miss him. He was dreamy. I’m not sure if I can deal with Leo who likes a “messy bun look.” That sounds gross.
Occupation: Account Sales Executive
Ah, I remember Lincoln from the “After the Final Rose” special. There’s been a lot of articles out there lately about how he would routinely shit on the floor at his office. So, yeah, there’s that.
Occupation: Sports Analyst
Does anyone else think that Mike looks weirdly like Amy Adams? I can’t not see it now. I hate that he refers to himself as “a Notre Dame alumni.” Apparently they didn’t teach him that “alumni” is plural. He’s an alumnus. Sorry. That’s alway been a big pet peeve of mine.
I hate people who describe themselves as “fun-loving.” Who isn’t? Everyone loves fun. That’s what fun is.
Occupation: IT Consultant
I’m not quite sure what Rickey does. His occupation is listed as IT Consultant, but his bio says he started his own business. Also, he spouts some BS about wanting a best friend first and a lover second. That’s just weird.
I remember him. He’s a legit banjoist – his family all plays together in a bluegrass band. Honestly, that’s kind of cool. He plays a few instruments and I really hope he brings his ukelele with him!
Somehow, Trent has been on the cover of romance novels. How? I just don’t get it.
Occupation: Graphic Designer
The only thing Wills loves more than his job is Harry Potter. That’s all I get from his bio. At least he’s cute.
So, that’s it, Trashies! The show starts on Monday, 28 May. I look forward to snarking with you!
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