For the love of God… MISRED CAVED!!!!
Just when you thought it was over. Just when MisRed thought she didn’t need to set that alarm to get up early in an attempt to beat Ben & Ronnie at their own sinister game… Just when the support staff was ready to collect their end of season bone-uses… MisRed is back.
IT’S SECRETS REVEALED!!!!
The biggest secret to be revealed is that MisRed is actually recapping this nonsense.
Uh… you can see how MisRed’s support staff feels about Secret’s Revealed
Short support staff back story. Yes, Yes, MisRed is aware that my couch looks like it belongs in a crack den and Twitch Richards is probably sleeping behind it. The fact of the matter is, my most senior level of staff (except of course, MrRed, who likes to lend his support whilst still fully asleep on writing days), Javvy has a horrible skin condition. He is 14+ and is about to turn to dust, but before he goes, he is going to make us break the bank to find out why his skin is suddenly staging a coupe. He is constantly in a state of scaly dandruff, mixed with elephant skin and sweat. So MisRed keeps the couch covered in an effort to not have to wash the cushion covers every four hours. Of course, Javvy’s favorite game is to lie on the one cushion that isn’t covered- you know- the one usually covered by Big Whitey aka MisRed’s Ass.
SECRET REVEALED: Teddi Not So Cheap
Tedwin reveals that Edwin has been obsessed with their new house – the $6,000,000 one that they got for $4,000,000- since they were building it. He used to stop by every week to chat with the construction guys and obsess. So, they bought it.
A mere $4 million…
It was his and hers toilets. Which sounds great, unless you are the person who has to clean both toilets. They made a low-ball offer and the sellers accepted it.
They saved so much money that Edwin decided to buy a new Lamborghini. Edwin already HAS a 2008 Lamborghini Gallardo, but thinks it’s time for an update.
At the Lambo dealership, we meet “Edoardo.” Bahahahaha. Before MisRed reveals what this guy looks like… close your eyes and picture a dude named “Edoardo” who sells cars, at a Beverly Hills Lambo Dealership… do you have the picture in your head? Ok good.
Edoardo’s sales pitch goes like this “It’s rear wheel drive and most importantly, it’s white on white.” Yasssssssss.
This is way faster than a hoooooooorrrrrrrrse
It’s only $299,000. MisRed will take two. Teddi thinks it’s a silly waste of money. They take it for a test drive. Edwin buys it.
Ok this scene was more exciting than 85% of every other scene Teddi was in this season.
Scenes not worthy of the full “Secrets Revealed” treatment. LVP serves Ken and his future wigs some tea. Rinna films Days of our Lives.
Tom is like- Did I pay for this too?
That’s rhetorical, right?
Erika shows Tom the life-size cardboard cutout of the Erika Jayne avatar. Here we see Tom speak 9 words. His original contract was to speak 50 words per season, but Tom negotiated MissAndy down to 36 words. His contract is now complete. Erika tells him when he’s mad at her, he can just yell at the avatar, and that “she can hang out with you.” Tom is like… “As long as I don’t have to foot the bill for another bitch’s glam squad and tacky sweat suits, I’m happy.”
SECRET REVEALED: Kyle Has No Storyline
Kyle goes to Kyle by Alene too, so meet her godson, Matthew Sarafa- the faux fur designer. We get a story about how when Matthew was little, Kyle and Matt’s mom were eating making cookies and Matthew and Sofia went and locked themselves in a closet.
The Nails. The Shirt. The Fishnets… needs to lighten up on the bronzer.
He’s channeling Lala Kent.
OMG MisRed is in love with Matthew. He’s so extra and contrived. She must have one immediately.
SECRET REVEALED: LVP Has A Pool Table
Over at LVP’s house, she attempts to play pool… by herself. She has pink balls. So does Ken. Wow. She sucks.
LVP is normally so good at whacking balls with a stick.
LVP reveals all of the things he hates about Ken: He’s always late. He talks to the dogs more than he talks to her. We get a full-on montage of Ken discussing the pork futures with Giggy.
Hmmm, no mention of Ken’s farts…that figures. LVP acts all uppity but can really get freaky getting dutch-ovened by Ken.
1982- Ken was using Golden Retrievers back then…
Ken and LVP look back on their 75 years of marriage- as their anniversary is fast-approaching. LVP asks Ken if he would marry her again… he says no. She concurs. She says she would be looking for some young, hot dude to shag her sideways.
1992- Ken switches to brown poodle with frosted tips
She is, of course, kidding. Ken’s wig collection ALONE is worth millions to PETA, how could she possibly give that up.
LVP thinks the key to a successful marriage is having a sense of humor, especially when she takes her clothes off.
SECRET REVEALED: Dorit Is the Worst (not exactly a secret)
Everyone at the reunion gets touched up by their glam squads, except MissAndy and LVP. Then Dorit demands a glass of wine.
Oh, side note: MisRed went to listen to Jeff Lewis’s interview with Kelly Dodd and somehow clicked on the episode where Dorit was a guest on his show. She was only 14 minutes late, FYI. Dorit was not quite as grating on Jeff’s show, probably because MisRed didn’t have to look at her disgusting, banged-up face. Dorit had no idea Jeff Lewis had a TV show.
Typical Dorit. It’s only, like, one of the longest running shows on Bravo- 11 Seasons. Makes me wonder who she thought Jeff actually was and why he would be interviewing her? Great news though- Dorit is coming out with a Men and Kid’s line of swimwear. Oh good, Man butt floss and little kid butt floss. AND ANOTHER THING- Dorit is hocking these tacky beach bags on her website.
MisRed has some experience in buying crap like this for companies for which she has worked. Know her $59 beach bag- cost her, probably $5, at most, to make.
Please note MisRed’s method of Googling Dorit. MisRed doesn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.
Note other tabs. Current Dim Sum obsession and a troubleshooting page for my fraking expensive Dyson.
SECRET REVEALED: Camille Is Building A Sex Dungeon
Back to the show. We see Camille walking around backstage with her “ball gag” bracelet. She is showing it off to EVERYONE and ANYONE who is willing to look at it. Okay, Camille just lost, like, half of her “cool points” with MisRed. It would have been much cooler for her to not show anyone and just to have whipped it out. There would have been a more genuine reaction.
We follow Camille on a trip to NYC, months earlier where, apparently, Camille purchased the infamous ballgag at The Museum of Sex. The camera follows Camille around while she pretends to be uncomfortable around the gigantic, rainbow-colored dildos.
And she pretends she doesn’t know what the leather whip is used for. Puhleeze- you know f*cking Frasier probably dressed up in a diaper and made her spank him and punished him for wetting himself.
Camille says she does see the fun side of Dorit – the side that LVP and Kyle see. Oh right, it’s the side that the viewer doesn’t see, obviously. But she says there is a side to Dorit that’s off-putting. Yeah, the side she shows us puts MisRed off 100%.
This is the one I used to use on David Duchovny
Tea Leoni shows Camille around the store and shows her the various gag options for Dorit.
Camille tries some edible lubes and get tied up and dragged around the store. Oh wait, that didn’t actually happen.
SECRET REVEALED: Dorit Is The Worst, Part 2.
Over at Dorit’s house, she, Boy George and that shiny, cellulite-covered chode, PK are discussing Teddi and whether or not Teddi is still mad at Dorit for being late to meet her for drinks? Dorit explains to Boy that she was late to meet Teddi and then Teddi asked Dorit to come to the Glam Circle early to discuss Dorit’s rudeness. Boy thinks it’s hysterical that Teddi asked her to come early to discuss being late. That IS kind of amusing, but no way is MisRed going to be on Dorit’s side… like ever.
- Dorit vs Vicki Gunvalson? Vicki Gunvalson
- Dorit vs Kanye? Kanye
- Dorit vs a 7-headed monster of all of these people ON CRACK: Bethenny, Ramona, LeAnn Locken, Brandi Glanville, Kevin Lee, Jax Taylor with a giant herpe sore on his lip, Thomas Ravenel? 7 headed Crack Monster with Oral Jax Herpes.
- Dorit vs Kim Jong Un? Kim Jong Un
- Dorit vs Golden State Killer? Golden State Killer
Dorit explains to Boy- “She’s an accountability coach?” PK asks what that is? Boy says – It’s a way of getting money out of people! Yeah, like a “manager” or a someone who traces and sells bathing suits. They all laugh- and Dorit says “She’s invented a way to get money out of people!!”
Dorit explains that George is like a “pseudo husband.”
George suggests that Teddi help PK and hold him accountable – with food and exercise and alcohol. And Dorit says “No. Trust me, he doesn’t like those kinds of people.”
Now that IS a “secret revealed.” Dorit and PK don’t want to be held accountable for anything. Not even for PK declaring bankruptcy right when he was divorcing his first wife, so he wouldn’t have to make support payments. He’s a classy guy.
Dorit says of George: “He loves to be a little bitchy and sly. He’s just funny.” Honey, that’s Gay 101.
Dorit continues to tell George about Glass-Gate. George says, “You are being a glorious snob, you know that.” Dorit lies to George and says that she didn’t SAY ANYTHING about the glass… and then PK walks in drinking milk out of a champagne glass. That PK, he’s just so funny.
Hysterical. Is that glass from Ikea?
These assholes deserve each other. Seriously. And MisRed hopes PK spontaneously contracts Lactose Intolerance and his intestines explode… into George’s hat and all over Dorit’s face.
SECRET REVEALED: They Have Dogs
We get a review of the canine situation in Bev Hills. Ok, it’s mostly Lisa & Ken’s dogs. Ken wants to clone Giggy. It costs $50,000. It sounds like a lot but when you deduct the price of wigs amortized over the life of the dog… it’s probably a good deal.
And then we get the “In Memoriam” montage: Pink Dog and Pikachu. Gone too soon.
Murdered by Hanky… who will be featured on Dateline… interviewed by Manky.
Interviewed via Satellite, as Hanky is too dangerous
LVP getting “Binky Boo.” #wigopportunity
Cut to Kyle’s dogs. Chloe (not Kardashian, but tiny little rat dog) humping Bambi (golden retriever or something).
MisRed paused the episode for a second. Elvis thinks he’s logged onto youporn.com.
Well that piqued by puppy’s interest….
Yup, he moved to get a better view.
MisRed paused the episode for a second. Elvis thinks he’s logged onto youporn.com. Of course, he also licks himself into a full-on dog-lipstick-boner and then gets insulted when MisRed makes him stop.
Chloe peeing on the wall in Kyle’s house. Another of Kyle’s dogs, Storm, doing all kinds of crap, including eating Kyle’s drapes.
LVP cries over her dead dogs, and reveals that Ken is still obsessed with Giggy- and now Giggy has a heart problem, and seems to be, like, living in an iron lung or something.
S A V E G I G G Y
Lisa says it’s hard to justify paying $50k to clone Giggy when there are so many other dogs out there that need help. $50k would help a lot of dogs.
Rinna tells LVP she should just give Ken cloned Giggy as a gift- and she should just call Barbara Streisand. I mean, MisRed calls Babs all the time, mostly for advice on setting up a mall in my basement.
The Mall of Babs
You think MisRed is kidding- Barbara Streisand has a “mall” in her basement. Instead of putting stuff in storage, she has stuff displayed as if in a shop. This is how you know you have too much goddamn money. And you KNOW Heather Dubrow is pissed she didn’t think of this first.
Regarding Rinna’s suggestion, LVP says… “Eh, maybe I’ll just buy your book and give him the other thing.”
Cut to Rinna’s kids telling her that her book taught them how to give blow jobs.
We learn that Dorit got a dog- from Vanderpump Dogs, of course. The dog’s name is Lucy Lucy Apple Juice. Did Dorit lose one of her kids and just got a dog to replace it?
Can someone kidnap this poor dog, please?! Before it’s too late.
Storm, apparently is eating Kyle’s house. Maybe because she has 17 other dogs and the dog needs some individual attention?
Speaking of seeking attention, classy shirt, Mauricio
Kyle asks Mauricio to send the dog outside and he’s like “Storm go outside.” Storm doesn’t move, and Mauri is like- “Ok he doesn’t want to go.” Great job being the boss, Mauricio.
Kyle’s new house in Mexico. No need for security as all of Kyle’s crap was already stolen.
In this scene we find out all of the Umanskys are getting Mexican Passports and are building a house in Mexico. Seems like a good idea. Take Dorit with you.
SECRETS REVEALED: These Betches Are Bad Mothers
Rinna reveals, to Erika, that Gigi and de Udder One got tattoos against her EXPRESS wishes. The Udder One got Saturn behind her ear. Erika is like “Saturn?!?! The Planet?” No, dumbass, the car plant in Tennessee or wherever the f*ck it was. MisRed would have gotten Uranus.
Can we get the address of the prison where they got these tatts?
Rinna says that kids are boneheads until they are 25. Erika says that her kid is 25 and that when he was Gigi’s age, he was at college and didn’t want to talk to her.
Ok, cross out “was at college and.”
What would Erika know about being a mom?
Erika says it was FUN being a “boys mom.” How would Erika know? Erika brags that her son was 6 years old when started “working at the firm” with Tom.
Yeah, Erin Brockovich was lowering him into wells to get water samples
Erika says “The kid carried Tom’s briefcase, sat in on trials and schmooze it up with the secretaries.” Pssst, Erika, that’s not work. You KNOW Erika dropped the kid off at the office while she went shopping- and made Tom’s employees entertain the little f*cker.
Erika says that she was 20 when she “became a parent.” In addition to “Work,” Erika may want to review the definition of “Parent.” Maybe she became a mother at 20 but just because you are a mother means you are a parent. Erika’s point is, that Gigi is only one year younger than that and she will mess up. Rinna hopes she does as it’s the only way she will learn.
Fast forward one year and Tom Girardi will be marred to Rinna’s Gigi.
Over at Dorit’s, she is pretending to take her kids somewhere. She is carrying Phoenix. Well, it could be Phoenix. It could so be some rando from the park. Dorit isn’t really sure what the kid looks like. And Jagger is demanding snacks NOW, and that little jerk wants to know which car they are taking to the park. He doesn’t want to be seen in that ugly Rose Gold Bentley. Who can blame him? But don’t let your kid boss you around Dorit. He will turn out worse than you.
Dorit says that Jagger has come leaps and bounds with his speech and it’s so heartwarming to see him be able to interact with other people. We get some B-Roll of Jagger “speaking.” Sh*t.
MisRed doesn’t want to be mean to a child- my nephew was born with total hearing loss and my niece was born with partial- so I know about speech delays etc. But Jagger is 4- he, unless he has speech apraxia or something else that would cause his speech delay/issues– and maybe he does, he should be further along than this.
But hey, Dorit is supposedly his Mom, and look at her speech. The kid is probably afraid to talk.
Ok, MisRed is going to step up on the soap box. Dorit could actually HELP someone here. Phoenix had a little helmet on last year, and I don’t recall Dorit saying a WORD about it. You know how many parents would be able to relate to Dorit through Phoenix’s skull issue? And Jagger- if he does have a speech issue, she could probably help some people out there going through the same things. Recognizing the signs, what to do to get help, etc. Unless Dorit isn’t seeing the signs… but then again, you would think the nannies that raised Jagger would have noticed it.
mmmm looks delicious
Dorit then acts like she’s the world’s greatest mom. And we see Jagger running away, demanding a Taco and a Snapple, and saying he NEEDS the Snapple and then saying the taco isn’t a taco.
Could these kids be more extra?
She moves on to brag about Phoenix. She says that Phoenix is a “Mini Me.” Poor kid. She also, unfortunately, looks like P-Kay. So that’s a blow. Two strikes, really.
Dorit says Phoenix is drawn to all of the things that she is: Shoes, Obliviousness, Handbags, Sweaty Bankrupt British Men, Make-up, Delusionality, Glam.
Dorit tries to leave the park, after Jagger upset her by- like- acting like a 4-year-old boy- and Jagger wants to stay- Dorit says “But Jagger, it’s been 5 minutes and 5 minutes and 5 minutes and 5 minutes.” For those playing at home… that’s 20 minutes.
Dorit interviews that people always want to know how she stays in shape and she says, “I run after two toddlers!” Come on, Dorit. Maybe that’s now the nannies stay in shape…well that and you don’t pay them enough to be able to eat food.
SECRET REVEALED: Teddi Loves Horses
Teddi and LVP go to look at a horse that Teddi might rent. LVP tells Teddi that Ken has a Kidney Stone- and it’s his birthday. LVP has been force-feeding Ken cheese for months in order to get out of birthday sex. LVP says that they need to CATCH the kidney stone when it passes so it can be analyzed. Most people pee through a sieve but you do it your way.
Picturing Lisa trying to catch the kidney stone, like this…
LVP says, “On the up side, I’m probably not going to have to put out today.” SEE?!?!?!!? Then we learn that Teddi doesn’t know how to lock her Tesla. Did we know Teddi had a Tesla? Teddi asks LVP if she wears a hairnet when she rides? To which LVP responds- “No, I’m like a bag of sh*t when I ride.” Gotta love British phraseology.
SECRET REVEALED: A Leopard Never Changes Its Liver Spots
Erika and Rinna go to Camille’s beach house in Malibu. We review that Camille used to live in a big ole’ mans with Frasier, until he traded her in for a younger model and dumped her on national TV and refuses to co-parent their kids or have any communication with her. She went from a sprawling estate to a mere mansion in Malibu and now she has bought a second house on the beach in Malibu the previous year.
You go girl. You dealt with that shriveled, sweaty apple bag coming at your face for 15 years. You get yourself a little beach house. And some mother*cking tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
The girls have lunch together and discuss aging and Erika says, “I’m 17, I’m 17.” There goes Erika with her dyslexia again…Yeah, maybe her latest fake tits are 17… but honey… you is 50 if you is a day. Rinna says that she will, at some point, get a facelift AND she thinks LVP has had a facelift. Erika is like- that’s so shady.
I also love how they act like they haven’t had work done.
See? The old Rinna is still in there, just waiting on a bigger payday from Bravo to stir up the necessary drama.
SECRET REVEALED: Dorit Is Dumb
At Teddi’s beach house, the girls play a game of giant Jenga. Teddi likens it to this group- “One wrong move, sh*t’s coming down!!” Erika and LVP join Teddi and Kyle. Erika tries to move a piece that will surely knock everything down. Kyle says- whoever knocks it down has to apologize. So, Erika is like- I’m outtie.
Dorit comes out to join and says, “I play this with Jagger every day.” She comes up and puts her left hand to balance the tower and uses her right hand to pull out the piece.
Hmmm. Dorit rhymes with Cheat. Interesting.
Everyone is like “You can’t hold it and use both hands!!” Dorit didn’t know that. Seriously Dorit? This is why Dorit has such a superiority complex- she doesn’t do sh*t by the rules and then proclaims herself to be the winner.
SECRET REVEALED: BEST AND WORST
That evening, dinner is served and it’s a “pot luck.” And Erika complains that it’s too healthy. And then interviews that “Pot luck isn’t in her repertoire.” She’s right. It isn’t IN her repertoire, IT IS HER REPOTOIRE!!! Bitch, please- you are from a trailer park in Georgia- not that there’s anything wrong with that. But we all KNOW- you made Jell-O-salad for the Church Pot Luck and growing up, every god damn dish you ate had a can of cream of mushroom soup in it and Ritz Crackers crumbled on top. So, don’t feed us this – I’m above a pot luck HORSE SH*T.
Kyle asks Erika what she thinks her worst qualities are?
Erika: I’m loud and bratty and selfish and obnoxious. Dorit fills in that she is also “Supportive and you’re strong and a Boss Bitch!” Shut up, Dorit- nobody asked you to chime in. Dorit continues “And you skin is so soft and it’s a little loose which will make it easier for me to skin you and wear you like last year’s Versace.”
Kyle asks Dorit the same question. Oh, sweet Jesus.
Dorit: I don’t know.
You saw that coming a mile away, didn’t you? The ladies agree that she is loquacious. LVP says it’s her best and worst quality. Dorit doesn’t think she can change… does she want to change? Not really. Shocking. I know the perfect way to get Dorit to talk less:
MisRed has compiled these options…
Kyle: She says she’s a great friend, a good mom and a good wife. Worst- she can be controlling. She says that Big Kath was very strict, and they had to be perfect. That’s right, Big Kath had to keep that bank rolling in. Kyle says she tries not to be that way with her kids, but she can’t help it. She said she saw an Instagram post of her daughter and one of the girls in the photo was drinking out of a wine bottle. Kyle told the kid that it looked trashy. Kyle feels like she didn’t handle it right and starts to “cry.” Her daughter and Mauricio didn’t think she handled it right. Well you saw how good Mauricio was with the dog… I wouldn’t exactly trust him to raise a kid.
You know what else is trashy? Pimping out your Real Estate Biz on TV 24/7. Just sayin’, Okaaaay???
Erika says, “You can’t be her friend, you have to be her mother.” Coming from someone who left her kid so she could suck old rich d*ck until something stuck. I mean, she isn’t wrong, but she didn’t exactly practice what she preaches.
Teddi’s bad tatts… ay yi yi
Teddi says that it’s so good to have a MOM- and that she got a tattoo in the 8th Grade. The girls are like – WHAT??!?! Apparently Teddi had a fake ID that said she was 18. And in her interview, Teddi calls her dad and asks if he was mad about the tattoo and he said, “Who is this?” Just kidding. He said “Yes! I’m still mad!!!
Teddi tells Kyle that she wishes her mother had been stricter with her. Listen, Teddi turned out okay. The ones we really need to interrogate are Dorit’s parents – we need to get to the bottom of what happened to create that disaster.
LVP makes a toast to celebrating each other’s positives.
And MisRed is celebrating that she is POSITIVE this is the last episode of the season. She hopes.
Thank you all again for all of your support and love. xoxoxo
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