Howdy Howdy. MissKitty here on duty to recap the gang going quail hunting, Craig and Naomie continuing their sad, downward spiral, Lahahahahandon cementing her cred as a girl’s girl (as in not at all), Austen being a douche, and Shep resuming alcohol. If I seem a bit surlier than usual, it’s because I bore witness to the traditional shitting of the bed by both the Washington Capitals and Washington Wizards. To my normal audience: they are a hockey and basketball team, and both flamed out in typical DC sports fashion. Let’s roll!
We see the Charleston crew waking up in their completely non-rehearsed fashion with like 3 cameras and boom mics and lights in their faces. We do see this. Good lord:
Do you need Austen to feed you a rodent?
Thomas with the kids. And I’m sorry, but…
That is FREAKING adorable
But not as adorable as THIS! SQUEEEEEEE!!
Oh and look, Kathryn is back for her 436th mea culpa with JD and Elizabeth. Seeing as how they have given Thomas approximately 8 billion 9 billion chances, it’s a smart move.
“I’m here for my 437th plea for understanding”
They settle down and immediately tell Kathryn that Kensie was so cute at Jennifer’s sip and see.
It goes over well
Kathryn doesn’t understand why Thomas was invited to it but not her. JD nicely tries to explain.
Sigh… Try try again
We see a flashback of JD trying with the other half of dysfunction depot to see if he can penetrate one thick skull that in order to coparent effectively, being civil is a good strategy.
There’s a wall over there if you’d like to go talk to IT
Kathryn agrees that being civil is a good idea; she just isn’t ever sure about dealing with him. I’m too busy looking at her necklace.
Is it a choker? A tattoo? Either way I want to scratch it off. I’m getting vicariously enraged
Shep leaves his house for a jog. What looks like around the block. But baby steps. Baby steps.
Whitney is at Patricia’s, drinking coffee in front of what looks like the cutest smoker of all time.
Okay that is kind of awesome
Shep actually jogged over to Patricia’s. I’m going to just call shenanigans on this- I didn’t know he was within jogging distance. Anyway, we see his whole five days of not drinking. AKA, what most NORMAL people can do. He gets ice cream. It’s as successful as his forays in ironing.
“GARSH! Is this iron-flavored?”
Whitney fetches water, and advises Shep to take up smoking. Presumably he means pot.
“Duuuude. It’s 1991. I just realized people still smoke weed”
Shep raises the idea to have everyone come for a quail hunt in Georgia. Meanwhile Monty the cute Legatto comes over. His coat looks WAY over-washed, by the way. Shep isn’t sure if Craig and Naomie have resolved their fight, and Whitney snarkily asks if she’s gotten “tired of his schtick yet”?
Maybe. But I know we’re all tired of YOURS
Shep says that Naomie has a “fiduciary” duty to protect Craig, emphasis on “douche”. Welllll… you go sniffing out one night stands with Austen, so I don’t know if you’re really qualified to make that distinction, storkie.
Over at Craig and Naomie’s Craig has assumed the aggrieved position, only this time he’s working on his laptop and not his sewing machine.
“I don’t need her. I can talk to all my friends on FaceChat”
Naomie comes home and warily tries to broach the subject of the weekend, while nervously smoothing her hair.
Relationships are SO fun, aren’t they?!
Craig says he has work to do. She looks on in stunned disbelief.
That moment when a cool-ass chick realizes she is stuck with a crazy person
Oh girl… Been there. There is nothing worse than a passive aggressive pouter. OH wait. Yes there is. The INSANE one who has no sense of reality. Whoever says the adage “there are three sides; yours, mine, and the truth” is full of SHIT. There is often a person who is completely devoid of rationality and who revises what actually happened, so that the other person starts thinking she’s crazy.
Allow me to demonstrate the face of the person who is realizing you can’t argue with CRAY
Naomie suggests counseling. Craig agrees. Have I mentioned how much I HEART Naomie? Well, I’m going to mention it again.
Girl crush alert
She brings up the hunting trip and says there sometimes isn’t much better when you’re stressed than shooting shit. They agree to be on the same team on the trip.
Whitney, Shep and Austen are at a gentleman’s shooting attire store. The producers make me love them by showing Whitney trying on a vest over his t-shirt, and it looks like an ugly artist’s smock.
“My kiln is over there, with my paints”
Shep and Austen both tease Whitney about his attire, and then Shep explains quail hunting. Whitney makes sure that they will eat all they kill. Austen tries on his own look. In honor of my commenter’s daughter last week who asked if Austen is “special needs”, behold:
“Hey buddy… here, can you button your coat by yourself? No? Okay, Champ. Here I’ll help you”
Shep looks at a pair of boots that look very similar to boots MissKitty uses to ride MrRolo (and formerly, MissRuby, although in her case, they look like boots FOR BEING THROWN INTO BLUESTONE GRAVEL, BREAKING MISSKITTY’S COLLARBONE AND TWO RIBS). MissKitty is therefore selling MissRuby. Anyone who would like a very… um… agile, athletic Arabian mare, write c/o TrashTalkTV, addressed to “I randomly spook at invisible molecules”. Anyway, Shep likes the boots, and asks if they are snake-proof. Since apparently Whitney has never been in the woods in the South, he asks if snakes live there.
No, dumbass. There are no snakes in heavy underbrush in fucking rural Georgia
What the fuck is wrong with him? Craig calls from Dick’s asking about snake boots. He sounds thrilled to be shopping. Shep lists the attendees, and mentions Chelsea, Austen’s “paramour”. Austen makes me want to adam’s apple punch him by acting all over Chelsea and not really into her.
If I were Chelsea, I’d be THRILLED to see this later. Shep is like “Did I forget anyone”, and Chelsea would be EVEN MORE thrilled by Austen tooling up by mentioning that Shep forgot about Landon.
You obviously haven’t been around her very long yet, Douchbag
Shep reflects that Landon and Austen would make a good couple. I agree. The two most irritating people on television hooking up would be perfect. Both make me envy Helen Keller.
Over at Patricia’s, we…. HOLD UP. WAIIIIITTTTT A MINUTE….
Um… Excuse me taptaptap. Excuse me. I WANT THAT BEAR COVER!
Michael ushers in Landon who he ran into when walking Chauncy. He takes her drink order, and I instantly want to kidnap Michael, because she asks for a fucking bourbon slushie. Patricia has one to be polite, and Chauncy looks over at Landon like
“Can’t that bitch do mime instead?”
Landon talks about the upcoming hunting trip, and we are subjected to Whitney in England again in his ponce-y little tassels.
Michael brings the drinks, and suddenly, a phantom hand bursts into the scene from the fourth wall.
Patricia starts giving Landon advice on love and marriage, specifically to Thomas. She says it’s better to marry up in station (and age). Landon meanwhile looks as intelligent and focused as my German shepherd would if asked why the rates of the Euro fluctuate.
Michael brings Chauncy a teeny tiny bully stick and gives it to him with tongs. Hahahaha.
“Your miniature penis, sir”
Patricia finally breaks it down and gets real. “It takes money, honey”. Landon giggles that it takes a LOT of money.
Aaaand maybe sunscreen
Patricia says she has a soft spot for Thomas, because he’s an exemplary father. We go over to see him dressing Saint. Kensie adorably helps. He interviews that the kid hand off is very stressful. I have to say, he does seem devoted.
Either that, or he is mistaking the stroller for a toilet after being overserved
Landon tells Patricia that she’s nervous to get involved with Thomas because of Kathryn, and Patricia tells her to be brave or she’ll live a life of quiet desperation. Personally, I think anyone living with either would live a life of loud desperation, but okay.
As the cast is packing for the trip, Chelsea confirms her country bonafides by checking her rifle.
Austen, meanwhile, confirms HIS asshat bonafides by doing chin ups.
Must you stick your tongue out every show?
Shep, Cam and Whitney meet up and Austen, Craig, Chelsea and Landon meet up. Landon is already giggling like an utter moron. I only have one question: Do Shep and Whitney have DUIs??? They never drive anywhere
Craig teases Landon about her boy toy Drew. Chelsea almost swerves off the road looking at a truck. Shep gossips that Austen and Chelsea may not be getting along and that he and Landon are good buddies. Cam meanwhile is as obsessed with Shep’s tool as Whitney is, because she asks him if Chelsea gives him a tingle in his britches. Or a tickle. Either way, she asks in such a way that she wants to picture it later.
“I’m getting one right now, because YOU asked me”
Craig, because he is clinically depressed, forgot his boots. Jesus Chris. Craig. Get some medication. Whitney invites Thomas. Shep cracks me up by comparing Whitney’s hunting outfit to “Little Lord Fauntleroy”. Which again cements why I love this fucking show so much. They view their cabin and love it. Cam asks what other activities there are besides hunting, and tells us that when she went target shooting, the scope went through her forehead.
Lol. Only Cam
Shep gets in his gear, and welcomes the Chelsea car. Craig meanwhile looks like he’s about to pound some blue crabs on the bay deck of the Rusty Rudder in Dewey Beach, Delaware.
“I like tons of old bay on mine”
As much as I hate bullies and piling on… For Fuck’s Sake Craig.
Then oh good Christ. Whitney comes out.
Little Lord Gauntleroy
Question: Isn’t it going to be like 91 degrees and fucking humid in Georgia? Is there a reason Whitney is wearing what looks like WOOL? You’re not hunting in the dales, moron. You’re traipsing through what feels like Satan’s nutsack.
They all meet up with the guide, and Craig has made sure no other hunters will shoot him.
Not gonna lie. I’d wear that bright-ass vest too
The hunt commences. I have to say, I’m a bit grossed out by the jubilation. I’d be a bit less grossed out if the dogs were flushing clay pigeons, but oh well. Shep naturally is a good shot. Landon sucks. And surprise surprise- Austen actually gets a few. Austen obliterates one sad quail in an explosion of feathers, which doesn’t exactly strike me as a great edible aftermath. Of course he has to Austen it up (Austen being synonymous with douche. It’ll catch on) and make a huge spectacle of himself.
Back at the pond, Cam and Elizabeth fish. Elizabeth gets really excited when she catches something.
Hahaha this would totally be me too
Cam gets a big one, but loses it. Naomie arrives. Chelsea finally gets a quail. Craig apparently almost shoots one of the dogs. Shep asks Craig about he and Naomie, and Whitney also asks. The girls ask Naomie the same thing. Naomie worries that they’re turning into Thomas and Kathryn. Um… Sweetheart? If you actually are worried that you’ll turn into them, you WON’T. The reason they are Thomas and Kathryn is that both are insane.
Evening falls, and the Charmers get ready for dinner. The staff bring in some delicious looking appetizers. Landon doesn’t disappoint- she manages to always look just… FUG.
Some people have natural style. Some don’t.
Shep calls Austen and Chelsea’s cabin and gets no answer. He looks rather nonplussed. Naomie asks if they’re together, and Landon titters “Are you kidddddeeeeeeennnnn?” and shows the picture she took of them. It will be interesting to note this for later, especially when she says that the photo could be their engagement photo.
“They’re togetherrraaaaahhheee! So I’m going to respheh heh heh heh ct thataaah”
Shep ends his personal prohibition with a large tumbler of whiskey. Well, that lasted a whole week.
I’m SURE your liver detoxed in a week.
“cheep cheep cheep”
Cam indulgently interviews that the liver probably takes more than a week to get rid of a floating enzyme, but then says the heart wants what it wants.
“End I want hiyum perpetually wenting me”
Chelsea and Austen finally arrive when the party meet up in the big dining room. Shep finds out that Austen was a natural and that Austen is well on his way to being Chelsea’s dream man. But then he concludes that Austen is just trying to get laid. I think that shell has already left the barrel, but okay. Sure. He’s trying to get laid. Cam asks if the two of them are sharing a cabin and then if they’re sharing a bed. Jesus Christ. I think that girl needs to get plugged by her husband more.
Landon interviews that she doesn’t want to give Thomas the wrong idea, so she goes into cunt overdrive to flirt with Austen and compliment his dimples and squeal like a haunted house door.
She has way more restraint than I would
Oh no no. No you are NOT
I would be irritated. At both of them. Chelsea plays it cool.
Thomas says how he makes the kids laugh all day with his funny faces. Everyone urges him to do them. He refuses, saying that he’ll look silly. They entreat him to do it, so he does.
Hahahaha! Okay that is pretty fucking funny hahaha
They ask Thomas how sharing custody is going. Elizabeth speaks up on Kathryn’s behalf. Of course, this being the Southern Charm hypocrites, any effort she makes is suspect, but Thomas finally shaping up in his mid 50s is like the second coming of Christ
The gang all go back to Shep’s for drinking. And before this became gross paternity/children/dysfunction city, this is why I remember loving this show in the first place. I’m sorry, but I like observing them all getting trashed. I know the Bravo programmers panic if there isn’t a Real Housewives shrieking weave pull, but they don’t understand that watching semi-smart people booze it up and talk nonsense is fun to watch sometimes too. Shep muses about aging and whether it would be good to have your dick just grow as you age, and Thomas slurs that he’d be dead already. The mood is quickly creepy as Whitney comes in to earn his paycheck.
Well done, dipshit. It wouldn’t be a recap if my vagina didn’t close up like a storefront at the mall.
Chelsea’s face reflects my mood.
You and me both, girl
Austen is surprisingly schoolmarmy about the scene too, as Shep picks up Whitney and Cam sounds like she’s having some kind of attack. Whitney earns a performance bonus by yelling out, “Don’t come too fast!”
Jesus Christ. It’s really not that funny.
Chelsea grabs Austen’s ass on the way to their cabin. All I can think is, I wonder how many zits she popped?
The next morning, everyone is hungover and raggedy. We get another scene of Thomas posing with himself in the mirror.
A staple. That I wish was in my eyeball.
Landon wonders where Chelsea and Austen are and Naomie says they’re still in their love shack. As the editors show us various clothing strewn about.
Wah Wah Wah Waaah (suggestive Trumpet notes)
We drop in on pillow talk with the two lovebirds, with Chelsea in full makeup, natch. Austen is shocked to discover that Chelsea is looking at their relationship as a casual thing.
“Wait. I was the one who was supposed to treat YOU like a plastic fuck doll”
Let us all admire the wonder of watching an ego be crushed, shall we…
Austen is shocked that after they have slept together that Chelsea wants to keep things casual. Now. Do I believe her for one hot second? No. Do I think she’s playing him? Yep. GOOD. Keep it up. We leave our show with upcoming scenes! Yay! The highlight is Shep grabbing Chelsea (yikes), and Kathryn with some really bad makeup choices talking to Thomas. Landon gets schooled, and annoys Chelsea. Cam is starting to cave on the baby making, and Craig and Naomie go to therapy. Looks juicy! Can’t wait!
So what did you think? Do you think Chelsea is really casual about Austen, or is she playing it cool? Not much else went on this episode, but feel free to leave any comments!!
Love & Hugs,