Hey Trashies! It’s time for part 1 of the VPR season 6 reunion extravaganza! Will you be mine? Cool.
Just a historic reference point to help guide you, Dear Reader, in your quest for yuks. The reunion was filmed on March 18th, which happened to be the week between Watch Your Back and Nothing Here for Me, and the day after I posted Okay Then, I Might as Well Go Kill Myself — I mean, The Prettiest Snatch of All, which didn’t feature this pic with caption, but probably should have:
“Hey world, check out my bangin’ snatch!”
We eschew the ‘Hello Andy’s, and get straight to the elephant in the room (not that elephant), which is that Jax and Brit-Brit are back together, yay! Stassi’s not with Patrick anymore, and has a new boyfriend. And Schænə and Rob haven’t been together since August. Andy exclaims, “Wow! Has everything changed?!” then cracks, “James, are you still with Logan?”
James is still with Raquel. Kristen and Carter are still good, and Tom and Ariana are glowing. Lala and her man are great, thanks for asking. Andy says, “The bigger the hoops the happier the girl.” Lala responds, “The bigger the hoops, the better the blow job.”
In the immortal words of LVP, let the games begin!
We start with Jax cheating on KFC. She says at that time he was actually talking about having kids, and they were working out together, so she thought everything was fine. Also, the gang was blowing so much smoke up her ass, what was she supposed to think?
“I put her through the ringer and I didn’t see it,” says Jax. Sandy hollers that Jax was kind of a f*ing dick this summer, and the way Jax acted had collateral damage, and caused him and Ariana to have the biggest fight of their relationship.
Jax claims he never saw the 95 year old woman. It looked like an old lady’s house, but he didn’t actually see an old lady. Andy asks why he did it, and Jax says he was trying to sabotage his relationship through cheating, which is the coward’s way out (and frankly, only works if you’re caught). And it could have been anyone walking by, says Jax, it could have been a hole in the wall; Faith just happened to be the shlong-holster that was available at the time.
Andy reminds Schwartz that he told KFC that he would lie for Jax. Schwa says yes, to be radically honest, he would cover for Jax, because Jax set him up in LA with his first ‘agencies’, and even smooshed their drunken heads together.
Kristen and Katie whisper to Schwa not to defend that shit, and then the most amazing thing happens — Jax says, “I have a heart of, like, gold… sorry, I mean, my heart is black.”
No way… there is laughter; sweet, sweet laughter from the Vandercrew themselves! Gee, if anybody had a halfway-decent reason to hate me, it would be them, dontcha think? Stassi cracks up at Schænə, who just rolls her eyes, because my humor happens to be not to her taste.
Andy wonders why KFC didn’t bang anyone in Vegas, but came home and banged Jax’s brains out. Lisa says it’s called ‘reclaiming your spouse’, not that she’d know anything about that. Jax says Brit-Brit always owned him, even though he sometimes loaned himself out.
Time to switch gears. Andy wants to know why Lala begged Lisa for her job back. Lala says Schænə reached out to her, and she felt it was a safe place for her to be in. Ariana says she knew who Lala was, and now everybody else knows who she is, and really loves her, for the most part.
“But then I get shit on,” says Schænə. “Your interview bites are mean.” Specifically she thought the ‘tone deaf’ thing was rude. Sandy jumps in, saying he did not appreciate the baby dolphin trumpet-playing comment, either, but Lala says, “Honey, I’m the first person to jump in with baby dolphins, all day long,” which calms him right down. Then she hollers at Schænə, “I didn’t MAKE you sing! I didn’t hold a gun to your head and say, ‘SING you you you you you’!” We get a little clip of Scheana singing, and I quote, ‘yo yo yo yo yo’, to be precise.
Now we get a little Lalz Feat. She-shoo number, cue the beat box:
Lalz: “My problem is that you don’t know how to talk about anything besides you you you — (yo yo yo) — and I’m over it!”
She-shoo: “Are you kidding me?! All I hear about is my man, my man, my man.”
Now the topic turns to James, and the fact that three people — Ellie, GG and Logan — claim to have slept with him. Andy says, “That’s a lot of smoke for there not to be any fire. Why do you think everyone wants to say that they’ve f*cked White Kanye?”
Lala jumps in, “Let’s get it real straight again. My man is Kanye, he’s the white Ray J now. So what does she think about everyone sucking off White Ray J, is what I’d like to know.”
James says he’s never cheated on Raquel, and he’s never dipped in the men pool in his life, either. Here we get a sexy AF flashback of James and Logan flirting at Pride.
Andy asks Kristen what she believes, and James asks, “Why should Kristen speak?” Andy says it’s because she knows him so well. Kristen thinks GG and Ellie for sure, and Logan probably. James doesn’t care what they think, he knows where he dipped his willy, thank you very much.
Now for Stassi and Patrick. Stassi says this was horrifying to watch back. Andy asks what brought them back together, and she says, “I don’t know! I feel stupid!”
Ariana says, “Don’t feel stupid, we all watched him and thought he was disgusting. So don’t feel stupid. You look amazing, he looks disgusting.” Wow, points for Ariana. Tom brings up the pre-Amsterdam chat Patrick had about not talking about what happened when they were apart, then blocking her number. “Then you go to Mexico, and he’s pissed because you didn’t call him right off the f*ing plane?”
“In a nutshell, yes,” says Stassi.
“What the f*ck.”
Schwa says, “Outside of your relationship, I do think he’s a cool dude,” — what?! — but their relationship was ‘terribly toxic’. How could it be anything but, with the kind of piggish PUA, MGTOW, incel, MRA ‘tude Patrick rocks under his unflattering mini-trench, no offense to pigs?
Just then, Schwa totally redeems himself, saying, “It broke my heart to see Stassi in all her glory neutralized like that.” Sandy awesomely adds, “He smothered the flame.” Lisa says that just from how unhappy Stassi was, she didn’t think it was possibly the right relationship.
Now we discover that Patrick didn’t tell Stassi their relationship was open, and neither did anyone that Patrick told — which was pretty much everybody — so she found out when we did. She jokes, “I would have been hooking up with dudes, if I knew that, like, that would have been four years of fun.”
Andy brings up that Patrick used a lot of big words that it turns out Jax didn’t know, either, then shares some of the names Patrick has been called on social media — ‘smug’, ‘condescending’, ‘turd’, ‘douche canoe’, and ‘dickaroonie’ — which are all words Jax knows. Lisa cracks, “Well, because you’ve been called them.”
Now Andy wants to know how Stassi’s situation was similar to Ariana’s relationship with her vagina-hating imaginary ex-boyfriend from Qatar. Ariana shares that it was very similar, except that her ex went straight for the jugular, and she dealt with it by trying to make sure she was perfect, perfect, perfect (unlike Stassi), so he wouldn’t have any reason to insult her. Well, good for her.
We hope Stassi is taking notes.
Stassi says, “I just feel like I wasted so much time.” She-shoo kindly says it was a learning experience, and Andy asks what she learned. Stassi says, “I want to be able to wake up every morning and just live my life the way that I want to. I just want someone to love me and accept me.”
Now we’re on Ariana and Tom’s year-long dry spell, which Andy shortens to two months (just cuz). This dry spell was cause by the above-mentioned imaginary d*ckhead, but also a lot of other things, such as the cocktail book, etc. Mostly, if we want to get really graphic really quick (yes please!), it’s because Tom wants to go down on Ariana’s glorious snatch when she’s sweaty from the gym.
Cut it out, Tom. Okay, problem solved! Let’s move on…
Andy asks, “Lisa, what is it like seeing someone as beautiful as Ariana struggle with body issues?” Ariana curls up and moans, “Guys, don’t call me beauuuuuutiful, it makes me feel uncommmmmfortable!”
Now they all pile on to tell Ariana how beautiful and stunning she is, and also her hoo-ha. Andy says the world wants to know — how are things now? Ariana says, “They’re better. I mean, we’re not banging it out every day, but we’ve come a long way, and we’re working towards being at the best, and I also think that we’re working towards it from a really honest place.”
Now we pause for a minute to enjoy the looks on Katie, Schwa, and Sandy’s faces as they pose for my recap.
And they lived happily ever after, the end.
PS- Ariana is just really glad she could help all those other women with mean, vagina-hating imaginary ex-boyfriends, who caused them fake body-issue problems.
PPS- Vagina, vagina, vagina.
Time to switch gears, thank God. But, oh no, it’s time to talk about something really sad, which is the death of Jax’s dad.
Jax’s dad died of cancer on December 27, 2017. He was Jax’s best friend, and they talked every day. And this is when Jax got close to Brittany, because when he got that awful phone call in the car on the way to dinner, he pulled over, and KFC took over, and took care of everything. And ever since then, he can’t imagine himself without her.
We hope he also can’t imagine himself with anybody else, caught or not.
So there were two funerals, and it was terrible, because these were the first funerals Jax had ever been to, he’d never even known anybody that died. The guys went to Florida, and the girls — Stassi, Kristen and Rachel — went to Michigan.
“And if I could have been there, I would have,” says Schænə. Yeahright.
Andy points out that these three girls have two things in common, they all got Jaxed, and they all hated him at some point in their lives. Jax says it just says a lot about the type of people they are. Also, on that dark day when KFC took over, Jax realized what a lovely person she was, so they made a fresh start of things, and are now better than ever.
They better not be foolin’.
On to TomTom. Lisa adores these two, and thinks they bring a lot to the equation. However, “They’re junior partners, very junior partners,” she says. Andy says, “How emasculating of you,” but Lisa insists 5% is junior, no matter how you slice it. Tom starts bitching that Ken wanted to put in a big wine fridge. He says, “In Boys Town nobody buys bottles of wine.” Andy says, “Listen, if anyone knows what the gay boys want, it’s Sandoval.”
“And James, maybe,” cracks Lisa.
Schwa jumps in to appreciate the opportunity, which Lisa supports, but then Sandy takes issue with $100K being 10% of $2.5M (which technically is correct, as it’s only 4%), but his real problem is that it was Lisa’s choice to budget $2.5M for the project, and it didn’t need to cost that much. Lisa says, “I think we know what we’re doing.”
Andy wonders when these guys are going to receive money back on their investment, and now we find out Lisa hasn’t even cashed their checks. Andy says, “Okay well, maybe you need to.” Lisa replies, “Maybe I’ll do it when they least expect it,” then laughs at the idea they wouldn’t know if she’d cashed them or not, because they’re not that rich.
Andy asks if she has a formal contract with them. She says not yet, but she doesn’t have one with Nathalie and Guillermo, either. Sandy says. “Our name has some value to it, otherwise you wouldn’t name it TomTom.” Andy asks if she’s worried they might not like some of the choices she’s made, and Lisa answers, “If they don’t like it they can suck it.”
Andy asks Jax if he was jealous walking in to TomTom. Jax says yes, but after all this, he’s not.
Now we move on to Vegas. Andy says Sandy made such a big deal out of wanting to be treated seriously, then partied all night and drank a Fireball before the meeting. Sandy says, “First of all, there wasn’t any Diet Cokes left in our fridge,” then he sobers up real quick and goes for option B, which is to not do sh*t like that anymore.
On to the pregnancy scare. Andy thought that was a good prank, but it was a little concerning that they use the “spray and pray” method of birth control. Katie says, ‘”Well, I’ll tell you how babies are made, and basically, what you’re doing would make a baby, so.”
Jax is ready to be a father, because he had such a wonderful dad, and he feels his father is in him now, changing him, so he thinks he’s ready. The consensus among the gang is that indeed he’d make a good father.
Schænə is starring in a show in Vegas called Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man, and she’s really enjoying being single in Vegas, especially with all those tips she’s getting from her show.
Andy says, “Lala, you and Schænə are not still tight. Why?”
Lala feels that when Schænə got her show, Lala reached out and congratulated her, but Lala didn’t get anything back. Schænə apologizes that while she was dealing with her breakup and moving her entire life to Vegas, she didn’t show any interest in Lala, or anything else that wasn’t herself, for that matter, as if she ever did.
Now we find out Lala didn’t invite Schænə on her private jet (PJ) for a flight to Vegas at exactly the time Schænə was moving there, because she was ‘drama’. Lala reminds her of the text Lala sent Ariana when Lalz took Stassi, Kristen and Katie to Vegas on her PJ.
Now it’s time for another Lalz Feat. She-shoo number, cue the beat box. Lala says she’s so sorry, she should’ve kicked them all off to make room for Schænə and her suitcases. Next time, she’ll make sure her man knows they’ve got to take Schænə, because the most important thing in the world is to make Schænə’s life easier.
She-shoo: “I’m actually good on the private jet, thank you.”
Lalz: “Yeah, that’s why I had you fly Southwest back.”
It’s Rob time! First we get a flashback montage of Schænə yapping about Rob, then we’re reminded that she told Lisa that the day she got married, she was thinking about Rob. Schænə claims it was always one of those ‘what if’s, as in, “What if I marry Shay to legally acquire his cool last name, then expose his addiction on TV after he’s already cured, and then divorce him, will Rob finally see me as marriage material? Rob Rob Rob Rob Rob.”
And the answer is no.
Schænə says when the rumor surfaced of Rob kissing another girl, that was the moment he pulled away. Then she says emphatically that she never, ever, ever meant to discredit Shay, because he was f*cking amazing, and always had her back, that is, when he wasn’t draining her bank account and sexting hos.
So Rob waited until two weeks after they wrapped, and broke up with her. Lala, Ariana and Brittany all said, “Is this like a calculated move?”
“Okay, thank you? I think?” is what Rob actually said to her. Kristen says, “It’s manipulation at its finest.” Apparently he’s now texting Jax and Lala’s man to go ‘hang out’ and have drinks. Schænə cries, “I have loved Rob for 12 years, and he broke my f*cking heart.” She explains that her divorce was no biggie, but Rob genuinely broke her heart.
And let’s not forget all the sh*t he talked on Schænə while appearing on her show. Kristen says he threw a fit about not wanting to be on the show, and then appeared at every red carpet and every Vanderpump Dogs event Lisa threw.
Lala says, “Shæ-shoo, I know we’ve had our issues, but this girl put in her heart and soul and effort into everything she did, and the fact that my man is the only reason Rob ever came around, do you remember this?” So apparently there were times Rob would say he was going out with a group of friends, and Schænə would not be invited, and the only time he would bail on those plans is when Lala’s man texted him to say, “Hey, do you wanna ‘hang out’?”
Andy asks about the conversation on the boat he and Sandy had with Rob, where Rob was saying the word ‘love’ was not something you just throw around. So why did Jax have to go run and tell everyone about it? Schwa says, “He was just stirring the pot.” They all pile on him not to make excuses for Jax. Lala says, “We’ve all taken punches, now it’s about you, answer the question.”
“Just get up and let her sit here,” jokes Lisa. “And give her the cards!”
Schænə says, “Jax loves to deflect anything off himself,” causing Jax to lay into her for trying to set KFC up on dates. Andy asks, “Jax, what do you think of Schænə’s claim that you’re threatened by Rob because he’s taller and more successful than you, and better-looking?” Jax says, “Okay, cool, that’s great,” then he cruelly turns to Schænə and asks, “How’d that work out for you?”
“F*ck you, Jax!” shouts Schænə.
Jax hollers that Schænə didn’t even call him when his father died. Then he complains that when Schænə invited him to her show, she ignored him and asked why he didn’t do the red carpet, conveniently leaving out the part where he failed to attend her show. Schænə jumps up to go cry off-camera.
“She did text you,” says KFC. Jax hollers, “A text?! I had two ex girlfriends and a girl who hated me show up in Michigan without even asking!” Stassi volunteers, “I hate you.” Lala tells Ariana she needs to follow Schænə, so Ariana peels off her Loubs and waves them around like flags, while mincing off to the green room to prove she indeed stands up for women, m’kay?
As Schænə gets her eye makeup retouched, Jax screams about how much more sympathy he got from total strangers. Huh, must be nice. Kristen goes and hugs him, saying she understands he’s misdirecting his anger, and she knows he’s really just mad about his father dying.
In the green room, Scehana tells Ariana that Jax was in Vegas with her at Topgolf two weeks ago, and he ditched her show to go to a Knights game, which she totally understood, since hockey was something Jax shared with his dad. Meanwhile back on set, Jax is screaming, “F*ck you! You can’t even keep a boyfriend for more than five minutes!”
Ariana returns, and reports back that Schænə’s fake eyelashes came off. Also, she’s wearing extensions, and Ariana is not. Meanwhile, back in the green room, Shayna whimpers, “Why is this harder than my divorce?”
Next week, Billie Lee talks vaginas, Ariana schools Stassi’s privileged white ass, and Andy asks what Ariana knows 100% for a fact regarding Faith, which we’re 1,234,567.89% sure is so accurate. Stay tuned!
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