Post-Zeke ousting (as opposed to post-Zeke “outing” …. Too soon?), Tai figures out that the five in the other alliance voted out “one of their own” which means that Troy, Brad and Sierra must have voted for him. Tai asks them point blank:
Only ’cause they told us to!
Brad realizes that they might not have Tai anymore, and the superior alliance was brilliant because having the other three vote for Tai at tribal, as he was not a threat at all, served the singular purpose of turning Tai against his alliance and using him in the next vote. I hope Little Big Man uses his two idols in an effective way (or a really dumb way, because that would be entertaining).
Remember when I said I wished we learned more “insider stuff” from watching regular episodes? I did not mean watching Michaela take off her bra before bed while Andrea panders to her for insisting that they get rid of Zeke. Sure, Michaela kept her shirt on while doing it, but some stuff I don’t need to see. She is kind enough to put it back on before her interview, when she tells us that they all “acquiesced” to Andrea to vote out Zeke.
Don’t ask me to spell acquiesce.
Cirie interviews that her alliance is going to vote out Brad at the next vote to break up the Brad/Sierra powerhouse, which we all know is built on a shaky foundation of weak strategy and being tall and about three brain cells.
Sierra and Sarah are having a private chat on the beach and Sierra’s throwing everything at Officer Sarah to keep herself in the game. Sierra tells Sarah about the legacy advantage and that she’ll will it to Sarah if she gets kicked out of the game before they get down to six people, which is the only time it can be used. She promises she’ll write down any name Sarah and friends tell her to at tribal. I guess that worked last time … sort of.
If you keep me in the game, I’ll let Knox ride my horse and I’ll give your husband a mustache ride.
Sarah interviews that she’s considering keeping Sierra around because of the legacy advantage, so Brad’s game is over. Then they cut to Brad in his underwear, package blurred, with a knife stuck in a tree in the foreground. If I were Brad, I would have asked for a bigger blur.
We’ll never know if he’s uncircumcised, but perhaps someone wants him to be.
Day 30 Reward Challenge. The reward is a BBQ with burgers, hot dogs and cupcakes … with their loved ones. Several of them immediately start crying. I can’t stand it. Every “Loved Ones” challenge, I have the same feeling in the pit of my stomach. Intense dislike. I hate everyone. I know Survivor is hard and it’s a competition, and they worked hard to get there, blah, blabbity, blah. But it’s been one month people. There are thousands of families who don’t get a chance at a million dollars for that separation, and would love to only be gone for a Lenten season.
Livin’ the dream. Survivor. SMH.
Wouldn’t it be great to have “American Heroes” for a season? Probably not. That would be weird. But I would LOVE a celebrity season, where the money all goes to charity. Then I read this article about this very idea and realized that it’s stupid. Celebrities think they’re too important to spend 39 days away (at least Probst thinks they won’t do it). We all know Speidi would do it. They’d probably give birth in Fiji if Probst and Burnett would hire them. Let’s get this part of the show over with before I start throwing rocks at my tv. Sarah’s husband comes out, and he’s a poor man’s Jason Statham.
I pulled him over for expired tags. We’ve been together ever since.
She and Probst and Wyatt (of course his name is Wyatt) talk about Sarah’s/Wyatt’s kid, Knox (I’m sure his middle name is Starsky-Hutch), and how sad it is for a parent to be ripped from their child.
Oh, really? Fuck you, Sarah.
And if anyone wants to tell me about servicemembers, “Well, that’s what they signed up for”, say it only in your head. ONLY IN YOUR HEAD! IF YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD, THE BAD GUYS WIN. Plus, I will put a curse on you.
Andrea’s mom, Linda, is there. In her Asics. And her transitions sunglasses.
She drove to Fiji in her minivan and she brought Goldfish and juice boxes.
Then I feel bad, because apparently Andrea was a real terror growing up and her sister died when she was in high school (but somehow the sister convinced Andrea to try out for Survivor? When Andrea was in HS? Huh?)
Aubry’s sister, Carrie, is there. She’s just as mildly attractive and boring as Aubry (although I think Aubry might surprise me with another flash of devious brilliance) and Probst can only muster up a “Tell me about the bond between siblings”.
Care Bears and Butter Rum LifeSavers
Sierra’s Viking cowboy of a dad is there.
I see your mustache is as big as mine.
He seems like a really good dad. He tells Sierra to take his strength and that he hopes she can keep a thick skin throughout this game, a comment Probst tears into like a hymen.
Michaela’s mom, Candy, is here for her. I expected someone with a word-a-day calendar in one hand and Lucille in the other, not this sassy cheerleader of a woman who obviously really loves her daughter.
But not enough to wear a Dream Trips bracelet.
Troy’s brother, Todd, is here and he must be the best brother ever. Their reunion is like A River Runs Through It, minus the alcohol and death.
I’ve got nothing. They’re poster children for brotherly love.
Tai wants to see his man, and Mark is there. Tai asks him how the cats are doing. Of course he does.
Brad’s turn! Of course, it’s Monica and everything he says and does reminds us that she’s the boss and the brains of the operation.
I’m the brawn!
Yes, you are. Now pipe down. They’re talking to me.
Cirie’s youngest son, Jared, is there. She missed his high school graduation. He could star in the next Disney musical.
Or in the Chris Brown: Before The Fall VH1 movie.
The challenge is an obstacle course, complete with the “dig in the sand under a log enough to get your body under the log” (that one sucks for everyone!). They’re roped together in teams of three. Once the obstacles are complete, the teams have to unbraid three ropes to release a set of keys, which will unlock bags of sandbags they’ll need to knock down a pyramid of octagonal blocks.
They have to knock all the blocks completely off the table (just to give the slow teams a chance to catch up).
The teams are: Culpepper, Aubry and Andrea/Cirie, Troy and Sierra/Tai, Sarah and Michaela. I think we all know which team is going to win. Cirie gets dragged up the beach by her teammates while Jared cheers for her, blissfully unaware that Cirie is the opposite of a challenge beast.
You’re doing great, Mom! Keep breathing! Keep crawling!
Michaela doesn’t stop for slow-ass Tai, either, and soon enough, he looks like a beach churro.
Don’t kill my husband, you scary young lady!
They all get to their respective team logs and begin digging. I feel bad for them. I see Probst’s fancy Host-With-The-Most-Running-Commentary Walkway in this shot. That must’ve been a bitch to build.
Much to Mark Burnett’s chagrin, Probst does NOT walk on water.
Aubry, Andrea and Brad all get under and out from their log before any of the other teams get one person through. It’s a runaway. They win easily. Unsurprisingly, they get to bring another person/loved one combo to the reward BBQ. They choose Cirie. Then they get one more, and instead of choosing Tai or Michaela, they choose Sarah. Bad decision. Andrea interviews that they considered bringing Michaela, but Michaela is smart enough to realize this is a game and she’ll get over it in a day.
Overconfidence looks great on me!
At the BBQ, Cirie chats with her “city kid” Jared about the Survivor lifestyle. He takes it well.
We don’t have Wifi.
Brad and Monica volunteer to man the grill so they can talk strategy. Brad fills Monica in on what’s happened so far so she can tell him what to do.
Sigh … I coulda been the First Lady. Probably still can be …
Monica tells Brad Michaela was so pissed about not being picked that she’s ripe for the flipping. Brad interviews that he hopes Troy and Sierra are convincing Michaela to join their alliance back at camp or he’ll have to win individual immunity to avoid going home at the next vote.
That’s exactly what’s happening back at camp. First, Michaela and Tai talk and decide to ally and then Troy and Sierra join them to chat about getting Andrea out. With Brad, the four of them are unstoppable! Then Michaela interviews that she’s not sure if she’s going to vote for Brad or Andrea, but it’s nice to have options.
Day 32 Immunity Challenge. Simple one again! They all have to stand on a narrow beam and balance a very light ball with dimples in the sides between two sticks. If the ball falls or if a player falls off the narrow beam, he or she is out.
Ab Roller is totally going to sue them.
Aubrey, Sierra, Andrea, Sarah and Cirie and Troy are all out very shortly. Tai, Brad and Michaela are left. This picture is the answer to the question,
What is the last thing you’d want to be doing on a beach in Fiji?
Brad wins! Perhaps the producers put magnets in his buoy and his sticks, but I don’t care. This makes tonight’s vote interesting. Back at camp, Andrea gives us her best Southwest Airlines flight attendant impersonation, sing-songing that Brad’s immunity only slightly affects her game.
I’m not scared! I have the Puka Shell of Power to protect me!
Andrea and Aubry chat with Tai and Michaela, telling them to vote Sierra. They play dumb and act like they’re not secretly considering voting for Andrea. The A’s buy it and walk away. Then Tai and Michaela lay in the shelter with Sierra, tell her the major alliance is going to vote her out, so they need to all vote Andrea. Sierra’s cautiously optimistic. Aubry asks Sarah if she’s good with voting out Sierra, and Sarah says she’s fine. She interviews that the upside is getting the legacy advantage from Sierra, but she has to make sure Sierra is drinking her Kool Aid if this is going to work. Hey young men (as if any young men are reading this recap), here’s a new line you can use in the club, courtesy of Officer Sarah:
Sierra tells Sarah that Tai and Michaela are voting Andrea, but Sarah really, really wants the legacy advantage — and she doesn’t get it if Sierra gets to stay. Sarah needs Michaela and Tai to vote for Sierra now. Sarah wisely tells Michaela that Sierra has the Legacy Idol … but not that Sierra gets to will it to someone else once she’s voted out. Michaela interviews that it’s still a hard decision between Sierra and Andrea.
It’s a burdensome quandary to manifest. Dream Trips!
Michaela adds, “If you don’t make the right decision, you’ll end up on the jury, looking stupid”. Next rubber bracelet motto?
Tribal. Zeke swaggers in after Debbie onto the jury bench, but he can’t steal Debbie’s shirt’s thunder. I think she bought it on sale at Justice.
Hakuna Matata, bitches.
Probst asks Andrea about choosing Cirie and Sarah over everyone else to go on the reward BBQ. Andrea giggles her way through possible consequences, not really believing there are any. Sierra chimes in that it was pretty dumb to leave the same four behind who didn’t get to go on the last reward, so they now had ample opportunity to talk about working together in future votes.
Aubrey tries to ameliorate the situation by claiming that every interaction matters rather than just who got to go to the reward. In other words, being an asshole all the time matters more than getting left behind for reward.
I beg to differ.
Probst asks Brad about winning individual immunity for the first time and Brad says he can’t revel in the win because he can’t help the rest of the bottom four. Ummmm … that’s exactly why you revel in the glory of getting the necklace.
Sierra tries to save herself by pointing to Andrea as a bigger threat, and Andrea deflects. She hurriedly says that if one of the bottom four make it to the end, that person will get the underdog vote. Not convincing, Blondie. Sarah tells Jeff she feels that they have a solid group and of course, he goes to Michaela, who tells him the “we” can very quickly turn into a “me”. Probst LOVES that shit, and even exclaims, “Wow!” He’s jealous he didn’t remember that an upside down W is an M. Michaela isn’t offended, but I would have been.
And there’s no “I” in TEAM, but there is one in SURVIVOR!
Sierra and Andrea laugh and laugh about how they talked to the same people earlier today, and they only know that those people were lying to one of them. I guess it is a little funny. They look like sitcom sisters.
They’re sisters, sweet sisters, so blonde, so toothy, so cuuuuute.
One of them is tall, one of them is short, and neither of them has a cluuuuuuuuuue.
Probst gets so excited to make the #3 with his fingers – I mean, a “W” – and turn it upside down into an “M” before sending them off to vote. Dirty Rich Host gangsta signs:
It’s Sierra! Brad, Troy and Sierra voted for Andrea, but the rest of them (Cirie, Sarah, Aubry, Andrea, Tai and Michaela) all voted Sierra out. Sarah looks at Sierra not-so-surreptitiously as she walks past with her torch toward Probst, hoping for a whispered word or the advantage scroll itself, but Sierra doesn’t give her anything. Did she change her mind about willing Sarah the legacy idol? Post-vote, Sierra does interview that she’s willing the advantage to Sarah and she hopes Sarah didn’t vote for her, and that Sarah gets to use it to make a big move. For some reason, Sarah and Andrea exchange looks and Aubry gives Sarah some serious side eye.
It’s not a Season 34 episode without Aubry Face!