Hello there dear ones. MissKitty here to recap this week’s Southern Charm.
But first- some MAJOR housekeeping. One of my commenters, Yellowlabowner, unearthed the details of a sexual assault charge against Thomas, and the details are NOT pretty. In fact, I’m a little surprised based on the case, and the fact that he paid out a settlement that some kind of scramble hasn’t been made to do something. In a nutshell, TRav picked up a lady and took her back to his place. After oddly pointing out where he looked out a window and saw Kathryn kissing some other man (could he BE more obsessed?) he grabbed the lady, inserted his fingers into her, and then took out his dingaling and shoved it into her face. Naturally he was butt-fuck wasted, but when is he not? Anyway, he did drive her home and later paid out something to the tune of $200k. So… pretty gross. And in the #MeToo era, Bobblehead Cohen needs to maybe do some damage control. Release a statement. SOMETHING. I feel a little gross recapping him. Or… grossER I should say. But recappers must do the job at hand!
They STILL are using the lyrics to that dreadful song to overlay the “previously on” part of the show, and it’s just awful.
Speak of the gross assaulter- Thomas is in his robe getting the paper, pausing presumably to gaze at himself in a mirror, which he seems to do once a show.
Chels is cutting a rather inbred-looking guy’s hair, Shep is taking a shower (we almost see peen), and Cam calls her disinterested husband, Jason. Who seems like kind of a prig and a jerk, but maybe that’s the edit he’s getting this season. Cam starts to tell him about her OB/GYN appointment and about her “stubborn cervix” and he cuts her off mid-sentence to ask her what the plan is.
The plan is, you’re getting the dickface edit, grumpy
Cam asks him to not refer to “them” as being in labor, because she’ll be doing all the work, and he chirpily responds “we are!” Uh. NO, asshole, “WE” can’t even be bothered to attend her appointments with her (and a real doozy later), so take the “We” and stuff it in a sack.
Next we see Kathryn talking to Gwynn’s, some fancy store that sells matronly clothes. Kathryn is trying to procure a job interview.
“Erm… I want to Erm… Come… in… for… like… an interview…erm
Bless her heart. Kathryn developed her personal style at Gwynn’s (ummm ok) and knows the owner and his daughter. She is wondering if there is some way she could work in some capacity there, not having had a “real job” in years. The owner sounds surprised but agrees to meet with her. I looked at the store online, and it reminds me of fancy stores I used to visit with my grandmother when I was young that had remained unchanged since 1953 and always smelled like old lady powder and was as silent and oppressive as a crypt. I would be wanting the loud throbbing dance music and epilepsy lights at the mall, but I was needing “proper clothes for a young lady” aka “proper clothes for a young lady that would have worn a sanitary napkin with a belt and been gaga over John F. Kennedy.”
Next, Naomie is meeting with her French dad at his new restaurant he’s co-opening with his partner, Nico. Naomie leans in to kiss him and is suddenly shoved out of frame by a lady with blond curly hair and pink tortoiseshell glasses…
Bon Jour Nico… Le Purrr… Le Mew…
MissKitty loves it when Naomie speaks French and wishes she spoke French.
Naomi’s dad seems awesome!
Naomie goes over the menu. We find out her dad has opened a bunch of restaurants in France and now is opening Nico in Charleston. They are having a pre-opening tasting, and she’s inviting twelve guests.
In this show’s version of groundhog day, Austin is at a bar in the middle of the day, drinking beer and leaving his mouth open.
“I’ve never seen this scene!”
-No one ever
Craig meets Austen and endears me to him by ordering a Bud Light. MissKitty enjoys an IPA once in a while, but the over-abundance of Microbreweries and cutesy fucking names and the hipster douchebags who drink them dampens her enthusiasm.
“I’m going to order Chipmunk’s Razor Bonnet. It’s a Quinoa Stout with notes of Dandelion Leaves, blue chili flowers and Dragonfruit”
They rehash Naomie going apecrap on Peyton, and Austin is in awe of the possibility that it’s not all Craig’s fault.
Meanwhile at Nico, Naomie confesses to her dad that she was mean to Peyton.
When Naomie reveals her behavior, refreshingly, her dad doesn’t do the instant American thing by defending her behavior.
Wait. What? You’re schooling your offspring???
He firmly says that she was taught to be nice to everyone. Doesn’t mean you have to AGREE with them, or even like them, but you should strive to not be an asshole.
I KNEW there was a reason I like Naomie so much! She’s been raised by nice, smart people.
Austin foreshadows that it would “speak volumes” if she apologized to Peyton. Craig says that Naomie has a problem apologizing, and that he has open case files in his brain of times she didn’t apologize and should have.
Case #346 on the calendar in the matter of Craig v. Naomie
Right as Craig finishes his sentence, Naomie calls Austin. Both of them duck down guiltily, because Nico is right across the street. She invites Austin to come to the tasting. Craig asks if “ex-boyfriends can come” and we see her grimace but answer “of course”. Then Craig has to push it and jokingly asks if he can bring Peyton. It goes over pretty well.
Craig says he’s going to be out of town. Naomie asks for Peyton’s number to apologize to her and invite her. As Austin is texting it over, Craig asks him to “hook a brother up”.
Austin is delighted to share his Herpes Simplex 64
Austin next is shown calling his sister Katie on the phone on the way to the brewery.
“I’m going to call my beer Too-big steer-tongue“
So Austin is meeting up with a brewery and someone named Thomas, who has asked Austin to bring samples of beer he wants to “rip off” I mean, “emulate”. Austin has no recipe yet, but he “knows what he likes” so he’s going to sponge off of someone else’s hard work to create his own beer.
Thomas looks like he was just saying “Here comes another Hipster idiot who wants to try and make his own beer”
Or if he wasn’t, THIS guy DEFINITELY was
So for a few hundred dollars, you can bring a beer idea to a brewery that has all the equipment and rent the equipment and work with that brewery to create a formula of “something you like” and then pay to sell it places?? Sounds about as complicated and hard as Craig’s pillows he “creates” using the template that comes with the sewing machine (foreshadowing). Austin and Thomas sample his beers, and Austin says he’s looking to do a lower-alcohol beer that can go on the beach or on the boat with Passionfruit or Grapefruit. Thomas cautions against too much Passionfruit. Meanwhile, there are citrus IPAs all over the place, especially in Summer, but maybe down in South Carolina they haven’t quite caught up to the vast array of citrus IPA sellers all over the place yet.
“I want to create a beer with citrus in the Summer and maybe something with Pumpkin Spice for Fall… It’s a totally original concept”
Austin is excited to do a test batch of the formula that Thomas will develop and use his equipment to make ::crickets::
Cam is waiting for Shep to pick her up. She looks gorgeous as usual, and Shep asks how long she’ll be out of commission. She says it depends on if it “comes out the vag or the sunroof”, causing Shep to crack up.
Can you look bad in ANY scene? Any? No? Ok.
Cam wants Shep to drive her down “Labor Lane”, a cobblestone road that was used in the old days to induce labor. Shep isn’t sure he wants her to go into labor, asking aren’t they having lunch? And Cam says she “wants this thing out of me” Hahahaha yikes. Hope Palmer has a good sense of humor. Shep turns down the street and guns it, and Cam bounces around wailing and laughing, threatening to pee her pants. MissKitty is dying laughing!!! It’s super funny. For some reason when Cam and Shep get together it’s always a lot of fun. I love it then these two shoot together.
Not gonna lie- MissKitty was laughing pretty much this whole scene
Shep insists it’s only going to be one lap and checks the seat and Cam’s dress for a pee spot. Fortunately, we aren’t treated to a post-Andele Vicki pee-spot to marvel at.
Great moments in Bravo History, Volume IV
Shep asks if Jason is standing by ready, and Cam admits that no, and she may not even get a ride from him to the hospital.
Kind of my face too when I heard that
Shep volunteers, but admits he’s not very good “in a tragedy” but laughs and then quickly amends it to “an emergency”. Cam grills him about his goals. Shep still wants a family, but not with the wrong person. Cam admits that he may not be the marrying type. Shep posits that he will end up with either an Australian or an English girl.
Patricia is next, holding a set of Pomeranians… ?
She’s combing one as Craig is admitted by Michael, and they both seem to like him. Michael takes the dogs away so she can talk to Craig. Craig fills her in on his Life Coach, and she asks if he’s improving.
“I’m contractually obligated to film with you, but you make me uncomfortable”
Patricia’s “high-end” company which puts cats and dogs on things is wanting to work with Craig to make a special dog/cat pillow. Craig is overjoyed. And then he proceeds to talk endlessly about it in such a toadying, awkward way, you want Michael to come in and hit him with a brick to make him stop talking
Shhhh… stop talking now
Patricia interviews that Craig can be a knucklehead, but he’s an endearing one. She says he’s sweet, and she wants to help him. It’s actually nice of her to try to encourage him with his pillow interest. Her eyes soon glaze over as he indecisively blabs about the theme and trips all over his words. MissKitty has to fast-forward. How the FUCK did Naomie last 3 years? I like Craig too, but his long-winded monologues make me want to stick dynamite into my ears and light them.
Coincidentally, MissKitty’s exact expression
Next, Oh no. The awkward isn’t abating, because we next go to Kathryn getting ready for her interview. She admits that she doesn’t have a lot of skills, but she has faith in her creative… whatever. She meets with the owner’s daughter Madison, and Madison coos, “Head to toe Gwynn’s!”
She greets Marshall, the owner.
“Hello; you’re NOT hired!”
Marshall asks her how she sees herself fitting into the culture of customer service, and Kathryn erms and “you know’s” and “well’s” and stammers. It’s excruciating. Kathryn has to take a moment to go outside the room to catch her breath. Oh dear.
Coincidentally, MissKitty’s exact expression
He asks how she handles stress. She doesn’t know how to describe it. She hasn’t learned that you bullshit your way into jobs. The boss only wants to know you can do the shit and aren’t a master criminal and you won’t be a drama queen who NEEDS TO LEAVE THE ROOM during the interview.
Marshall says that they ask “sometimes difficult questions” with an expression that says
“Jesus F Christ, I was lobbing softballs to this girl”
Kathryn formulates ONE good cogent idea, which she’d like to spread the word about the shopping experience away from King Street to a younger clientele. They like that answer at least. Poor Kathryn. I think she just has crippling shyness. Maybe she and Craig need to have dual Life Coach sessions…
Next, Shep goes to see Chels and get a haircut. She teases him that his hair is a lot thicker in back than up top.
Oh no! Guys freak out about that
Shep is having surgery. Chels teases him about getting older. Shep brings up Naomie inviting Peyton. Chelsea asks why he didn’t pick Peyton and she asks if Craig or Austin would be better for her. He says Craig, because Austin is too big a womanizer these days. The idea of Peyton and Craig is hilarious. She’d eviscerate him in about 3 seconds. Shep says Austin reminds him of himself two years ago, and with a straight face says Austin is with a lot of girls and that Shep “doesn’t get any pleasure from that”
“I don’t like to drink or meet girls. Not me. Gross.”
Coincidentally, MissKitty’s exact expression
It’s time for the Nico soft opening! Naomie drives up in her golf cart, and girlfriend looks BANGING
That. Outfit. Is. The. SHIT!
Naomie’s chic as hell mom is there. Yay! Love that lady.
The fashionplate doesn’t fall far from the table
Thomas and Ashley are getting ready, and Ashley sits up on the vanity to do her makeup.
Is this a thing? MissKitty never wears makeup, so…
Ashley looks a little beat up and sad to me. Being around that raging asshole seems to do that. She mentions that since the lunch between her and Kathryn, she hasn’t heard from Kathryn. She wonders if she should extend the invitation again to go trick or treating. Um… take a hint, hairstyle… what mom who has lost custody wants to see her kids traipsing along with the woman who gets to see them all the fucking time? Thomas tells her to leave well enough alone and drop it. He makes a joke that she’s only trying to take him and Kathryn’s kids away… why would she have a problem? Ashley’s face looks smug and momentarily triumphant. Eh boy.
People start arriving at Nico. Cam waddles, looking like she’s about to give birth during the first course. Thomas and Ashley are next, and when Thomas approaches Naomie and her parents with his stroke-face French, Naomie and her dad both burst out laughing.
It’s like Naomie warned her dad that Thomas would come in trying to speak the language
Shep arrives, telling Naomie she looks ravishing. Kathryn arrives. Leather leggings seem to be the Nico theme this evening.
Kathryn’s turtleneck and hair remind me of a classic 1960s Ann Margaret or Emma Peele from the Avengers (Google it youngsters- Emma Peele was the BEST). It also explains Thomas skulking around like a randy old hound, since they probably dressed like that in Charleston well into his prime.
Ashley immediately comes over. Kathryn politely hugs her, while Danni sips her drink with a shady look, like a good friend should hahaha.
“I don’t trust this bitch”
Thomas proceeds to bore Kathryn with a long story about his French pocket square, babbling like a senile great uncle about the bigger the square, the more of a casanova the guy is, taking lovers not his wife etc etc.
On the plus side, we all now know what alcohol-induced dementia will look like on you.
Kathryn astutely points out that Thomas is flirting with her (of course), but he’s doing it without thinking, right in front of Ashley, not to piss her off, but he’s not even aware she’s there. He starts saying “I love you” in French. To Kathryn. Kathryn interviews that she feels sorry for Ashley. I don’t- at this point, you know what you’re getting. And at 30 years old, Ashley should know better.
Chels arrives, and Cam marvels over her body, yelling at Shep and Austin that they’re fools.
No argument here, Cam!
Chelsea picks Austin to flirt with, and Shep stands by resentfully. Cam thinks she and Austin are going to rekindle tonight, and Shep says that when Chelsea cut his hair he thought they had a nice time. Cam scoffs.
Chelsea tells Austin about Shep saying that Austin is him two years ago. It goes over well.
Or it seems not to have, but it’s his default mouth, so maybe he’s fine?
Austin says it’s bullshit, and Chels tries to find out if he’s going to say something to Shep. She finds his lack of backbone emasculating. I’m not sure really what he’s supposed to do- challenge Shep to a duel?
Peyton arrives, and Shep and Austin drool. Peyton is like “meh”. I actually kind of dig this chick. She’s a snarky sarcastic ballbreaker who doesn’t seem to take herself super seriously.
You MAY be thirsty, but you seem cool
Peyton says she has never been spoken to that way, and she lived in LA for five years. Naomie is with Kathryn, and she girds her loins to go say hello. Kathryn encourages her. Naomie greets Peyton, and then takes her (after it seems getting a text that the cameras are ready hahaha) to another room to apologize.
Good move, Naomie!!
Naomie is very sweet and honest about where her anger came from, and Peyton is very mature and nice back and forgives her. They hug after.
The Beverly Hills Betches need to see how an apology works
Everyone sits down. Whitney joins the party. The food looks good.
One of each, please
Shep notices that Austin is sitting between his two “paramours” (MissKitty is just happy that a Reality TV star used the word “paramours”). He says Chels is hot, and Whitney nods. Then Chels has to kind of ruin the moment when she asks Austin loudly if she has anything stuck in her teeth. She then brays that Austin has something in his teeth and then they examine it. That spattering noise is MissKitty barfing up her spinach and potato dish.
Good Christ in a Bathtub, not at the fucking table
Thomas of course comments on the oysters being an aphrodisiac, and Ashley of course purrs they don’t need more of that and they practically make out.
Good Christ in a Bathtub, not at the fucking table
while Kathryn looks on with a combination of disgust, pity and morbid fascination.
KDenn is totally my spirit lioness in this scene
She interviews that she gives zero fucks, and she gets up and walks away. I think it twists Thomas’s aged ballsack into a knot that every childish way he tries to get under her skin she rebuffs. It’s epic, and wonderful, and long overdue. Kathryn goes to visit Shep, siting alone at the bar. Shep reminisces about how they all met each other. We flash back to Kathryn when she was a red-headed cipher. Note- I think she’s much prettier now.
Austin is at the table blabbing about what Shep said about him, asking Whitney. WHEN will any of these people get that Whitney doesn’t give a fuck about anyone’s feelings?
“Normal emotions are like vaginas over 30; they serve me no purpose”
Thomas and Ashley go to tattle to Shep that Austin is talking about him. Whitney does the same thing, while Austin begs him not to. Shep comes back into the dining room.
“What I meant to say was that I think… I think things werekindofmaybealittleblown… never mind…”
Austin folds like a cheap card table and backtracks. Shep apologizes and shakes his hand in a totally condescending way. Oooof. Chelsea is disgusted.
Austin, you’re done
Austin tries to trail his flop sweat over to Chelsea, who turns him down. Yikes. Austin is a tool, but I felt slightly bad for him. Well, that passed.
So what did you guys think this week? Are you as grossed out by TRav as I am, knowing about his assault pay out? Next week, it looks like things heat up with Austin and Victoria (Chelsea’s friend). That should go over well. We also see Austin kiss, and it’s as disgusting as I thought it would be. Ashley meets with Patricia, and Thomas meets with Kathryn, talking about getting back together for the 8,450th time. Until then, take care!
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