Last week, Ramona ran face first into 60. She embarrassed her date with the forgettable name while Sonja reprimanded Tinsley for not serving drinks per her court ordered community service.
This week, Tinsley continues to add her own signature stench to the Morgan Manor after feeding her dog grilled cheese and having to scoop up the aftermath. She tells him the house isn’t a wee wee pad but this is Lady Morgan’s house. The entire place is a wee wee pad – especially if you own a yacht. Carole and Adam are at home trying to figure out which cat is Baby and which one is Baby.
Bethenny and Sonja meet for lunch and I think Sonja says she’s late because she didn’t see Bethenny at the bar so she went for a pedicure instead. If I heard that correctly, she’s awesome. Sonja tells Bethenny that Ramona is incapable of having an emotionally mature conversation and still can’t understand why it’s wrong to bring children into porn-versations. Bethenny says that Ramona doesn’t care about her kid and that was an excuse to bring up the movie. Sonja will say anything not to get tossed into a corner like last season. Plus, she knows what it’s like to have an ex refuse to have his kid associated with their own mother. Bethenny mentions that the women need to stop going to the same places to pick up men because they’re always taking each other’s sloppy seconds. Sonja defends her self by explaining that Tom, the pirate and Harry were all hers first. I really wish the pirate had been named Dick for the sake of that sentence.
“I had bad taste in men first!”
Dorinda is commemorating the five year anniversary of Richard’s death with her family and Carole who barely has a voice because she’s spent the last week yelling at her TiVo election night replays. She’s also wearing white statement gloves. Hannah reads a tribute to Richard that says losing him broke her but he made her who she is.
“I am now the resident 1989-1991 Madonna impersonator at Beautique’s open mic night.”
Dorinda says that she’s a different person than she was five years ago and sometimes she’s still mad at him.
“You better back it up headstone. I’m the only one getting on top of Richard.”
Carole is glad that she went because they share a special death bond.
“Most people think I’m an expert in death because I’m related to the Kennedys. They’re right. “
Bethenny is at her house clearing out Brynn’s old toys. When I was six, my mother gave away a bunch of my old clothes and I had a fit when I saw my favorite outfit in the bag for my cousin. I got it back. I would be more worried about Brynn seeing this on TV than her seeing Bethenny’s Cinemax movie. Bethenny doesn’t even have the same boobs anymore; Shopkins are liquid gold.
Bethenny thinks she wants to move to a bigger place. She’s recently gotten the real estate itch now that she’s got the financial” means” to move because living off of $100 million was torture.
She calls her daughter a hoarder but I’m pretty sure Brynn hasn’t morphed into a middle aged woman with an odd attachment to rocks and dead cats. Anything she has was given to her by her dysfunctional parent. I’ll let you decide which one that is.
“Damn that judge! I just know this would fit me better than Brynn.”
After the cemetery, the family and Carole gather at the house to share Richard stories. It turns out that they really liked his money. He also had money. He also spent money on them. Hannah loved that he’d give her excessive amounts of money to go to the bodega.
“After a while, I just started burning the money for warmth.”
Dorinda laments that he’d give out too much money to homeless people and says that she had to put him on an allowance. This sheds some light on her reluctance for John to give money to that Black guy she assumed was a homeless drug addict. I love an origin story. On the plus side, Richard was so smart that if he ever went broke she always said she’d put him on Jeopardy. Geez, she probably buried him in off brand underwear and paper flip flops so the gravediggers didn’t make off with an Armani suit.
Sonja and Tinsley are home in the kitchen. Sonja blames Tinsley for the ugly flowers she has and Tinsley accepts it like everything else. Sonja doesn’t have interns anymore because the state finally shut down ITT. Tinsley makes screwdrivers and we get a front row seat to Sonja falling off the wagon. Sonja “forgot” that Tinsley put vodka in the orange juice like she forgot that she only banged Tom on leap years. Sonja immediately pours it out and goes upstairs to read a book. Lol, JK. She actually decides that she might as well finish it and the bottle of Tito’s. Also, her ice is brown. She blames Tinsley for that too and says it was yellow before her arrival. First, why was yellow okay with her? Second, why is this fool still drinking Hurricane Sandy ice? And third, does she market her tap water as vintage?
Luann’s family and Dorinda go to her dress fitting. Dorinda says in her confessional that whatever happens between 12 and 5 with other girls doesn’t matter because Luann’s getting married and it will just be swept away in the UES secrets.
“I’m going to surprise Tom and go full Linda Blair head at the wedding.”
“You’ll need it to see all the sex he’ll be having with other women behind your back! I’m so happy for you!”
You know, Sonja and Ramona get a lot of flack but Dorinda has been making some unnecessary ass remarks regarding this marriage. By the way, Luann’s sister is a big fan of lace. She’s got the lace sweats.
Anisha is Tinsley’s friend and she should have been cast on the show instead. Sorry Tins. She’s done with the UES and says it’s full of roaches because they’re close to the park. Central park is beyond gross at night. There were literally packs of rats the last time I walked through there at night. She says the UES is dead and Tinsley should stay with her downtown. This is all while they’re walking a dog in a remote control Mercedes Benz.
Anisha: The hero RHONY needs but also the one it deserves right now.
Bethenny visits Carole at her place. Her couch is on Hulk, busting at the seams. She thinks it’s a better look to flip the cushions over so they do and it’s just gross. At least they put a throw over it. Carole says that she and Adam have been getting on each other’s nerves and they need their own space. He’s found a place nearby that Carole probably got by selling the landlord autographed George magazines in exchange for a place for Adam to keep his turtlenecks and kale.
He talks about marriage but Carole isn’t interested. She asks if Bethenny is still getting nasty e-mails and texts from that guy who put scuffs on her walls. She gives a vague answer and goes into an RNC convention speech about pulling herself up by the boot straps.
Ramona is at home surrounded by what looks like the tattered remnants of her Rag Shop bankruptcy sale shopping spree. She talks to Dorinda who says that Bethenny is wrong for not going to Ramona’s party. Ramona seems like she wants to move past it but Dorinda keeps fanning the flames saying that she should’ve been there for the important event. She says that Bethenny didn’t even call her to say “Happy Birthday” and she has to think about what that means. I think it means that Bethenny didnt want to listen to Ramona talk about how much perkier her breasts are at 60 compared to Bethenny’s 90″s porn boobs.
All of the women are anticipating seeing each other at drinks that Dorinda has planned. Ramona plans to appproach Bethenny calmly while Bethenny is tired of Ramona’s free range apologies. It’s a rainy night but they all make their way to the bar. Carole is in a bra with an open jacket. Dorinda says she sees sex in her future. I see pneumonia.
Ramona says that she bought her ticket. I really thought she was saying she bought a ticket to Luann’s wedding like it’s a Pay-Per-View fight.
“Should I wear my goggles?”
Then she clarifies that she bought a plane ticket and wants to know if she’s getting an invitation to the wedding. I’m confused. She’s saying that she will be in France but she still wants an invite? She’s got a point though. When rich people send regrets, they usually send them with gifts.
“Do you want a crystal backgammon set or not?”
Luann says that a lot went on over the year and it’s a special night so she’s not invited. Luann’s explanation is peppered by Ramona twitching, blinking and denying any part in the drama. Ramona blames Tom, the other half of the very couple she wishes to celebrate with, for every problem that has ever happened. Interestingly enough, the editors start playing their version of a Junior M.A.F.I.A beat in the background. In some ways this is like the Biggie, Lil’ Kim, and Faith love triangle. I only wish he’d bedded Dorinda. This requires the street cred that only she can bring.
Bethenny says that Ramona is being manipulative by requesting an invite although she really doesn’t want to go. Then Ramona says that people are taking bets on whether or not Tom and Luann will actually get married. Bethenny pounces and says that she’s definitely not invited now as does Luann. Ramona then backs off and says she was joking.
“I’m super funny. Everyone calls me Ramona Kinison.”
Sonja and Tinsley arrive. Sonja makes her walk in first so she can trash talk her houseguest, literally, behind her back. She says she’s not with her, she’s stolen her friends blah blah blah. Sonja must have some serious PTSD from her last houseguest “stealing” her man.
Carole chats with Tinsley and offers her a lifeline. There are apartments in her building and she thinks Tinsley should check them out. I’m just gonna start filling out the police report request for the inevitable moment Sonja finds this out and makes Louis Vuitton ice cubes out of Tinsley’s luggage. Carole and Bethenny find out that Tinsley got married in high school. They got it annulled and then remarried at 26. They initially got married because Andrea did on 90210. Who has ever modeled their lives after Andrea? She was a 37 year old high school student. Carole is totally lost and Bethenny can barely remember which one Andrea was. The generational gap is as wide as the space between Ramona’s diagonal eyebrows. Luann and Ramona are mystified by Bethenny’s nice behavior so Ramona decides to derail it.
Ramona goes to Bethenny and talks to her all Summer’s Eve-y. She asks if Bethenny likes having friends that care about her and her sexual deviant past. Bethenny immediately says she doesn’t like the way the Cryptkeeper is talking to her. Ramona says she’s speaking very calmly but that only works when you’re actually calm. She is a ball of crazy being held back with dry rotted rubber bands.
Bethenny prepares to leave. Ramona says that Bethenny can dish it but she can’t take it. She was there for Bethenny every day when she was sick. Bethenny says she was there for Ramona during her divorce. Ramona denies this and Bethenny leaves after calling Ramona weird. I kinda loved it.
Bethenny: When you go low, I go home.
Ramona starts to talk about her. Carole doesn’t want to get in the middle but she’s literally sitting in the middle. Ramona compares Bethenny to a wild dog – with her mouth but even Tinsley jumps in to say that Ramona can be wild with her mouth too. I don’t know about that. The woman can’t get past a third date.
Ramona goes into self-compliment mode and talks about what a great friend she is and calls on Sonja to vouch for her. Carole leaves so she can get back to splitting the apartment in half with the last threads of her couch and duct tape. Dorinda and Luann exit too leaving Sonja, Tinsley and Sonja on the couch. I’m assuming Tinsley is drunk. Sonja is still annoyed with her and rolling her eyes at being called Tinsley’s friend while Ramona pretends to enjoy being there with the concubine and the convict.
Next week, Carole goes indoor rock climbing to get as far away from Adam as possible. Bethenny debuts Dennis and meets his evil twin Tom. Tinsley hooks up with a young guy and makes her housemother very mad. Dorinda switches friendship sides like she switches sides of the street when she sees a homeless person.
What’s you think? Love you for reading and commenting!
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