Happy… what day is it? Happy THURSDAY FRIDAY! Thanks for joining MisRed here in hell… otherwise known as BRAVO. She jokes, she kids. MisRed apologizes for the delay in the release of this very important recap, she had some “stuff” to take care of yesterday so it impacted my recappery. Or recrappery as the case may be.
MisRed thinks it’s important to review history, otherwise we are doomed to repeat it, so let’s review… Carole ran the Marathon and she and Adam aren’t “together” anymore. Basically, she just lets him bone her. Scott surprised Tinsley at her hotel and he’s currently recovering from emergency surgery, as he had to chew his own arm off to get away from Tinsley. Sonja has slipped even further into delusia and has, basically, ended her friendship with Ramona. Bethenny invited Dorinda to go to Puerto Rico with her to see and help with BStrong.
Subtitles on, as Dorinda will be speaking… and… GO!
It’s like a Club Med for Dust Mites
Oh good, we open at Sonja. She is fluffing pillows and 100 years of dust and residue of her Wednesday Night Gay parties are let loose into the air.
When was THAT used… or WASHED?
She is tucking a “baby blanket” behind a pillow, which seems really appropriate as her “baby” is about to go to college.
Tinsley calls her mother while she awaits Carole’s arrival at lunch. Tinsley calls her mother “Mommy” which I find a little weird- she’s 42. I think calling your mom “Mommy” is sweet, but it’s a little baby-ish. But MisRed forgot who she was dealing with. The baby doll dresses, the curls, the tights, the Eloise lifestyle, the squealing… Tinsley has arrested development, at age, like, 6.
Although MisRed’s niece, The Tiny Tyrant, is 6 and she refers to her mother as her “henchman.” Maybe MisRed’s view is skewed… what do you think?
Tinsley is telling Mommy that Scott and his family are all coming to Palm Beach for Christmas. Wait, Palm, or West Palm? We need to be clear…
Dorinda is packing for Puerto Rico and Facetiming with LuMan. She is a little nervous as she doesn’t know what to expect.
We gonna make it rain betches!!!
Over at her place, Bethenny is like Vinnie Boombotts, rubber banding big stacks of cash. What is Bethenny suddenly in “Waste Management?” Oh right, it’s for Puerto Rico. Bethenny brings cash, “in case something happens.” You know how, in times of crisis, society loses all sense of order? There are riots, people loot the Food King, etc? Imagine Bethenny having to negotiate and pay ransom to some Puerto Rican Hurricane Hillbilly Gang (with some very, Ricky Martin-esque suave accents) for the return of Dorinda, whom they kidnapped off the back of a moped?
Wait. Flip that. It would be the Gang who would be paying Bethenny to take Dorinda back. They would have had Dorinda in custody for 90 minutes and be like “Crap. She drank all of the vodka and is telling us to ‘CLIP!’ We don’t even know what that means. What have we done? We need to give her back!”
And Dorinda would be all indignant “I made it AGRADABLE!!” Clearly, MisRed has gone off on a tangent at the idea of Dorinda being kidnapped by Menudo.
Bethenny hopes that Dorinda will go to PR and, once seeing the people and the conditions, will tell people and other people will be moved to help.
As long as one of the Meats is Street, count Lu in.
Carole finally shows up to meet Tinsley. They are at a restaurant called Harold’s Meat +3. She must not have been that late, otherwise, we would have gotten some time stamps, ala Dorit / LuAnn.
I always wear a tacky gold belt to bed…
For f*cksake… Carole is wearing pajamas… as an outfit. MisRed is unclear when Carole became such a “fashion plate?” Wait, she’s too skinny to be a plate. She is a “fashion saucer” at best. But all of the dyes and hair bleach has gone to Carole’s head and she is NOT the “Carole” MisRed knows and loves. She’s venturing into, like Dorit-land, and trust me, you do not want to go there… not even to visit, Dorit and PK-stank sticks to you like B.O.
Ok, so now Carole is this extra, vapid, brainless wisp. Got it. Ugh. And Ew.
Carole is jet-lagged from a trip to California. The waitress asks if they need a “walk-thru” of the menu.
Well, how many half-baths does this menus have? Is there a laundry room? Finished basement?
Um, no. They have eyeballs and it’s f*cking BREAKFAST, not some cuisine unknown to modern New Yorkers. Carole orders “3 eggs any style.” The nurse who looks like somebody… THE NURSE? WTF?!! Maybe MisRed was doing coke in Dorit’s bathroom? THE WAITRESS- asks Carole, what style she would like her eggs?
I’d like them like my pajamas. Useless and not appropriate for the setting.
Carole: I’m unsure of the style. What are my options?
ANNOUNCEMENT: Carole just jumped the shark and MisRed is done with her.
Who does this waitress look like? It will kill her until she figures it out.
These lines are from people like Carole.
Waitress: Scrambled, sunny side-up, a la francaise...
MisRed recognizes that Carole doesn’t cook but surely she has left the house before?
Carole: What about hard-boiled?
Waitress: Hard-boiled, sure.
Is she a mash-up of Ally Hilfiger and Ally Zarin? Maybe.
no… that’s not it.
Ohh, MisRed forgot Ally has zee limes.
Carole: But 3 hard-boiled is a lot.
Waitress says: Yeah, absolutely. Waitress means: Really betch? You are going to order 3 hard boiled eggs OUT at a restaurant? Who does that?
Carole: That’s a lot. Two. 2 hard-boiled. I’m sorry, 1 hard-boiled, and then the other two in my order, can those be scrambled?
Waitress says: Of course. So two scrambled eggs, one hard-boiled egg. Waitress means: Yes, make sure you, at least, get some scrambled eggs, so the cook can hock a loogie into it, for the f*cking A**HOLE who orders 3 eggs any style in different styles. While you are at it, get 3 different styles? You want one of them poached? I’m already going to get yelled at for this f*cking order. And by the way, you are lucky this is NYC and this breakfast is $19 and I can at least, squeeze a decent tip out of a $19 breakfast. If this was the Waffle House, I would have used your scrambled eggs to clean the toilet before I served them to you.
Yes, M’am, writing down your order here… Eggs for the World’s Biggest Pain in the Ass I’ve ever met… anything else?
Carole: And can you mix the scramble part, don’t make it touch the hard-boiled egg part?
Carole, 100%, is showing off for Tinsley and *thinks* she is being cute and quirky.
Waitress says: Mmm-hmm. Waitress means: Sure. How about if I have them scramble the egg and then put it back in the shell, but have the in-residence egg-sculptor craft your eggs to look like a 1917 Russian Village, before the Cossacks trashed it. Then the in-house egg-repairman can glue it back together, decoupage it with amusing Little Orphan Annie Comics, Dip in in gold, reinsert it into the chicken and have the bird sh*t it out on the plate in front of you? Would that work for you, Princess? Literally, you are a GOD DAMN Princess and I’m slinging hash in this god-forsaken uppity betch restaurant that CLAIMS to be upscale “Southern Cuisine” with a goddamned FURROWED BROW because of customers like you who think they are being CUTE with this complex order. I moved to New York City to follow my dream of playing Elsa in FROZEN and NOW look at the state of me!!! You know what- tomorrow, do me a favor- go somewhere else.
Tinsley orders the $19 Avocado Toast.
Not for nothing, MisRed made this avocado toast for $.42
Waitress says: That comes with cheese.
I’m being nice to you because you aren’t an asshole.
Carole: NO CHEESE!!!
The waitress leaves.
Byeeeeee, hope you like snot rockets…
Betch, let Tinsley have cheese. She is dating the Coupon King, clearly, she’s already thrown in the towel- let her wallow and have some cheese.
MisRed figured it out. The waitress is Samantha DeBianchi from Million Dollar Listing Miami. Of course, this waitress is the ridden hard/hung-up wet version, but you would be too after dealing with people like Carole. Oh, and Samantha DeBianchi was a complete twatsicle on Below Deck Med last season, so MisRed wouldn’t mind having someone torture her with a ridiculous breakfast order.
Tinsley in another happy relationship
Carole wants to hear all about “fixing you and Scott.” You KNOW Carole is going to take credit for this. We review Tinsley acting like a stupid idiot when Scott surprised her. Carole pats herself on the back for being a GREAT wing woman. Tinsley agrees and says that she’s “totally on Team RadziWorthy.” Carole questions if Adam is RadziWorthy?
The answer is no. MisRed doesn’t even like Carole right now, but Adam is gross. He is one of those people whose hair is slightly too light for their face tone.
Plus, he has that, like, grown-out creepy-white-boy-fro that has cultivated itself into a low man-bun. A man-chignon, if you will. MisRed throws up a little in her mouth when she thinks about Adam. Adam looks like the love child of Peter from Vanderpump Rules, and Jonah Hill.
Plus, what kind of gaping, narcissistic asswipe sits around and discusses whether a certain person is WORTHY of their company and vagina? It’s gross.
Carole tells Tinsley that Adam called her and told her that he went on a date with someone and he likes her. Tinsley’s face looks like it’s about to slide off.
How dare he try to be happy? When you love each other you make it work, despite your differences and binding restraining orders.
Carole explains that she and Adam had “kind of” slipped back into a relationship, with boundaries. Carole wasn’t looking to date anyone else and Adam said he wasn’t either. Carole calls this their “unspoken, spoken agreement.”
Wait, so was it an actual agreement? Or was it Carole’s assumption? Because Adam was getting that milk FO FREE. And a man can bone ANYBODY and not have the *slightest* feeling for them. They don’t even need to be ATTRACTED to the woman- as long as she’s down for the HBI (Hot Beef Injection), that is likely, enough incentive to whip up sufficient wood to seal the deal.
Women, on the other-hand, can ALSO bang anyone, and not have the “slightest” feeling for them. They don’t even need to be attracted to the man- as long as he has a nice FAT wallet, that is, likely, enough incentive to whip up sufficient lady boner to seal the deal. MisRed is perfectly able to have sex with The Elephant Man’s less-attractive brother if there is a guarantee’d 7 figure payday on the line. That’s why Jesus invented lube. Hell, MisRed would just close her eyes and picture Kyle Chandler. It’s not that hard.
Case in point:
Carole thinks that Adam was trying to be respectful, but Carole was like WTF??! She thinks that- in Adam’s mind- breaking up meant- still having Carole in his life, still seeing her every day, still poking her whenever he got the urge…
These young kids really need to get dictionaries, so they know the MEANING of some of these things. Because, that’s not like any break-up MisRed has heard about.
Carole thinks that Adam just considers her to be “Cool Carole,” but that she’s not really THAT cool. And this type of BS makes her want to completely cut Adam out of her life.
Do it. Like Dairy. Get rid of it.
Tinsley thinks it might be good for them to have a clean break. She says she is not on Team Adam anymore. Carole calls him Adam Unworthy. (Ok, his last name is Kemworthy, so that was kind of funny.)
But Carole- this is from who you are taking advice?
A regular Dr. Phil. You know, if Phil was an immature woman baby
Carole’s Breakfast arrives.
Bitch, I know. I only have two hands. Don’t get your pajamas in a twist.
But wouldn’t it be awesome if Adam was dating the waitress from Harold’s Meat +3? And then what is she and Adam froze some of her eggs together? And then she can ask Carole’s advice on what “style” they should be.
Over at Sonja’s… Kristi- a real estate broker comes over to take a look at Sonja’s pile of bricks. MisRed realizes “pile of bricks” is an expression, but in Sonja’s case… this is, literally, a pile of bricks- PRACTICALLY.
Sonja says that she is allowing Kristi to ASSIST her in renting the house. It will be difficult to turn over some control to Kristi, and she has some letting-go to do.
UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR
The agent- who is f*cking hysterical- says that the home IS beautiful, but that it, obviously, as Sonja’s tone and decoration – and “Not every tenant is going to want that.”
But the house really makes you say “Wow!”
As in “Wow… what a dump.”
“It’s a very qualified individual who is going to want this.” the realtor says.
Qualified? Qualified for what? The nut house?
Let’s think of a tenant that MIGHT want to live in this house as is.
This lady from Hoarders
This Legacy from Sesame Street
Kristi thinks that they should price it at $32,000 per month.
Excuse me, MisRed just hallucinated, did she say $32,000 per month?
$32k/month and there is no heat.
$32k/month and there is no hot water.
$32k/month for Black Mold.
Does Pickles come with the house?
What would the price be if the ice was clear?
Sonja says that she “had a professional help her do the calculation before, and $32k is exactly what he got too.” This person HELPED Sonja do that calculation? Seriously, betch is bankrupt- she obviously can’t figure out that what she spends is greater than what she has, so should we really be trusting Sonja with the math?
They review the amenities of the home. Kristi asks if the elevator is up to code?
What’s the police code for “Death Trap?” MisRed just looked up the Police Code- we are going to go with 127 for “Proceed with Caution” as there was no code for “Disaster” or “Hot f*cking Mess.”
Sonja claims to get the elevator inspected every year.
MisRed is going to need to see some proof. Sonja stole a scaffolding from the building renovation down the street to hold up her vagina, but she gets an elevator inspector every year??? Uh yeah, right.
Then Kristi is like- you are going to need to fix some of the issues here.
Just a few things to fix
MisRed has seen some of the comments online about the Monogram on Sonja’s towels- STAM. And MisRed must admit, when she first saw them, she was a little like- WTF? Who has a 4-letter Monogram? MisRed did some research. See the lengths MisRed goes to for you guys???
So 4 letter monograms are acceptable, however, they generally are used when you have a hyphenated last name. So Sonja’s towels are Sonja Tremont Adams Morgan. And “Adams Morgan” is not hyphenated. Net/Net Sonja COULD go with S T M, but you know she genuinely thinks that she is a member of American old school society- so having both Adams and Morgan is crucial.
The best part about this is- Sonja really considers herself to be a “legacy.” She was only married to Morgan for a few years- less than 10. And it’s not like she was his only wife. She’s like- at least the third one- and there’s at least one after her.
Sonja is like- there is so much work to be done before I can even show the place… more than I expected. She says that this process is NOT cathartic for her- not in the least. That’s a real shock. Sonja seems like one of those people who can really just let go and move on.
Bahahaha, MisRed can’t even get that out without laughing.
Sonja says she’s not even attached to the house, she just wants the money and to be out.
Uh, yeah. Right. Sonja is about as not-attached to the house as Tom D’ag is not attached to The Regency.
Bethenny and Dorinda are in Miami. Dorinda is super excited to go to Puerto Rico and she feels really good that Bethenny asked her to go, especially considering that she and Bethenny HAVE had a few incidents. Cut the flashback of Dorinda getting drunk, spewing crap at Bethenny and then apologizing the next day.
Ahhh yes, MissAndy’s favorite weapon: foreshadowing.
Bethenny tells Dorinda a little more about what she has accomplished in PR. MisRed will give you the Reader’s Digest version- Bethenny was the first person to go to PR to help, even before FEMA. She wants to make sure everyone is well aware of the fact that she was the very first one. Every donation she gets, she gives directly to the people who need it. All of the supplies/ planes, etc., Bethenny gets that stuff donated- that’s pretty impressive, even if Bethenny makes it for us to think of her as being self-less.
On this trip, Bethenny is giving out envelops of $300 each- she can only do $125k otherwise it gets Red Flagged. Again who is doing this “flagging?” We don’t know- unless it’s the lady from Brentano’s.
Back in NYC, Tins, Carole and Ramona are doing some relief work as well… they are getting manicures. Carole says that Tins and Ramones wouldn’t naturally be friends- but SHE is the glue that holds them together. Oh yeah, the woman that doesn’t answer her phone, return emails, or texts is really the great friend that holds all of the other friends together.
Tins tells Ramona what happened with Scott surprising her. Ramones tells them about the whole blow-out with Sonja at the Henri Bendel event. Ramona says she can’t even have a conversation with Sonja anymore, but Sonja is alienating herself.
Yeah, I always like to deliver the good news!!
Ramona tells Carole that Bethenny brought Dorinda to PR. Carole a) wasn’t aware and b) says she would have gone if asked.
Because she has been to places like that when she was working for ABC News.
Me too. But I didn’t work. I lived with Sonja.
Ramona is like “I know!” Ramona is totally stirring this pot. Good to see Ramona is coming down from the Xanax overdose. Carole says that she did give a BIG donation – but that people support in different ways. Ramona can feel the lack of camaraderie between Carole and Bethenny- Ramona couldn’t be happier- you know it.
Carole in her interview, says that it’s strange that Ramona didn’t ask Carole to go and she is really surprised, and she feels like something is up with Bethenny. Maybe Carole’s “glue” isn’t holding…
Bethenny and Dorinda meet Michael- Bethenny’s relief partner in Miami. They discuss how they have moved $10MM pounds of “stuff” to PR.
Is it just MisRed or would Dorinda and this guy, make, kind of, a cute couple? Let’s table that until after Dorinda gets wasted. But, hell, if he’s into working with natural disasters, dating Dorinda might be good for him. A little domestic relief work.
The relief team has a meeting and the British Dorinda is there. She is the character that Dorinda would play on a Soap Opera if Dorinda was playing herself and her Evil Twin. But Dorinda would probably be the Evil Twin in this scenario.
Lu meets up with her, in MisRed’s mind hygienically-challenged daughter, (V)ictoria. Ictoria keeps scratching herself and it’s completely distracting MisRed. Fleas? Meth?
Lu is wearing a coat she stole from one of the Peanuts gang.
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah
Seriously, would it kill her to drag a comb through that hair? And you KNOW her fingernails are dirty under that manicure. And the bottoms of her feet are probably really dirty.
Lu interviews that she is so happy to be able to see her children again after her divorce. Being married to Tom didn’t allow her the time to see her kids. Boy, that Tom really is a CATCH.
Lu and Ictoria discuss the Tom D’ag sitch and Ictoria asks if Lu ever felt at home living at Tom’s place- and Lu says that she tried. Lu asks WHY did she have to get married?
Yeah, it’s a valid question, Lu!! Ictoria is like- well, at least it’s over, and you guys are friendly and nothing tragic happened.
Well, unless you count Lu’s French Braids. And her upcoming arrest. And her threatening to kill them all. And rehab.
Lu says that Tom already has a new girlfriend. TOM NEVER STOPPED DATING. Lu says that nothing in her marriage was working- there was “so much suffering.” Hahaha. Ictoria says that she talked to Tom about the fact that he wasn’t “warm” and that he is “very superficial.” She says she told Tom that it was hard to get to know him and that he didn’t know “how to hug.”
Listen, we don’t know what was going on with him- maybe Tom hadn’t been Frontline’d and couldn’t risk getting infested with fleas and ticks. Ictoria says that Lu needs to be hugged… Lu is like- yes, I do… and preferably naked while riding an 8-inch tube of street meat dressed up like Johnny Depp.
Bethenny and Dorinda, arrive to dinner. They meet Bobby, the operations director- to whom Dorinda gives a BIG HUG and announces, “We’ve been drinking without you.”
Oh dear. We meet Michael again- MisRed googled him- and on second thought… maybe not such a good match for Dorinda. And Eve and Omar.
Dorinda is ALREADY in slursville. MisRed is scared.
These people are Bethenny’s core partners and they mean a lot to Bethenny. They review the plan for the next day – it’s details. Dorinda keeps chiming in, but she is slurring so badly… it’s cringe worthy. Bethenny is like- yeah, we had a few glasses of wine in my room and then another one in the bar and Dorinda may have pre-gamed before that. One would think that with the frequency / amount Dorinda consumes, she would have a higher tolerance.
But lucky for us… she is a train wreck. Truly, the gift that keeps on giving. Like corn.
Dorinda is, like, taking stuff off the plate with her hands and shoving it into her mouth.
Then she gets chop sticks, which she is, surprising good with considering her state.
Everyone is talking about the different missions they’ve been on and Dorinda IS interested and IS asking a lot of questions… but they are all slurry and not coming out coherently.
Why is it weird?
She asks Michael about the situation in Haiti. What she is TRYING to ask is if he thinks that the work they are doing to help the people- if there is sufficient infrastructure to support the things that they are doing there? Like, are they doing all of this amazing humanitarian work and as soon as they leave it’s all going to fall to sh*t again? Michael tells her some of the things they have done there and how it’s impacted the people. And Dorinda is like “That’s not what I’m asking you…” she, desperately tries to get her point across until finally Bethenny jumps in to articulate.
Michael explains that they have put programs in place and are now sending kids to college. Dorindaslu“Thereain’tnokidsinhaitigoingtocollege.”
Michael is like- yes there are. We are putting them through school.
Bethenny says to Dorinda- Michael would know better than you, right?
Dorinda snaps “Don’t do that.” And Bethenny is like- No, YOU don’t do that. Dorinda says that Haiti is still in a really bad place, and Richard worked in Haiti for years and it’s still bad and “not very many people make it out.”
Bethenny is like- well maybe you shouldn’t come tomorrow if you feel so hopeless about it. Dorinda asks if Bethenny doesn’t want her to come and Bethenny says “At this moment, no, I do not.”
Dorinda has COMPLETELY embarrassed Bethenny in front of her colleagues and Dorinda has, probably unintentionally, made them feel their tireless work is for naught.
Dorinda slurs “Iwon’tcomeOkayI’mdoneIwon’tcome. Thank you so much. I was excited, I was happy to be here, and you did this. Youalwaysruineverything.”
Dorinda gets up, walks out “Sh*tshowwhatever.”
Michael says that he’s seen Bethenny’s work and how she puts her heart into this every day but “that person” (Dorinda) isn’t going to change because she doesn’t have a connection to it.
Well this trip is supposed to GIVE her the connection.
Bethenny interviews that Dorinda abuses alcohol- and acting like this at 7pm, around people who- have ONLY good intentions indicates that there is a problem.
Bethenny tells the group that Dorinda was married to a “slightly powerful man” who was connected in the government and she thinks Dorinda came into the group feeling that she had to say something profound or have some kind of debate… but she also likes to drink, and it sometimes gets the best of her. She also explains that Dorinda is probably – completely- beating herself up right now- much more than we (the people at the table) ever could. Bethenny explains that she has compassion for Dorinda and she TRULY is a very kind and amazing person and she really did come here to help. And Dorinda will 100% regret this tomorrow. She knows Dorinda will show up on time, ready to help.
She texts Dorinda and says, “It’s okay, you had a weird night.”
Where does MisRed even begin with this. Maybe she will just hit you with a list.
- Dorinda- you KNOW how you get. MisRed likes her glass or wine… or seven, but I also know that after 3 or 4 glasses that MisRed is not fit to be amongst the people. It’s akin to getting drunk at your Office Xmas Party. Dorinda KNEW this dinner was to meet the people with whom Bethenny has been working- dial it back for the evening. Maybe do a one on, one off type method- that serves MisRed well. Look into it.
- Bethenny- you KNOW how Dorinda gets. You know Dorinda likes to slosh back the booze. And after a few, she is not fit to be amongst the people. It’s akin to feeding your co-worker shots before the Office Xmas Party. Bethenny, you KNEW this dinner was important and serious- did you think, suddenly, Dorinda + Booze = Uneventful Dinner?
- Dorinda, get your shit together. This isn’t your first rodeo.
- Bethenny, you had NO INKLING that Dorinda was tanked like a mule BEFORE you walked into the restaurant.
- Dorinda, nice job with the chopsticks. Drunk, you are better than most people sober.
- Bethenny, how about asking Dorinda to accompany you to the rest room, speak to her privately about her behavior then call her an Uber and some Pizza Hut and send her back to the hotel.
Speaking of natural disasters and people in need of relief- let’s see how Sonja’s repair work is going? Oh wait, she’s not repairing, she’s “cleaning up” so a photographer can take photos. She interviews that she “doesn’t need a stranger coming in here and taking photographs. I mean, I need to hide all of my things. I have vitamins, I have prescriptions, I have vibrators.”
How does Sonja think they will market her house without photos? A sketch on a cocktail napkin?
He has no idea what he’s in for…
Kristi and Travis, the hipster photographer, arrive. Sonja explains that her housekeeper couldn’t come so “everything looks cluttered.”
Just a hunch, but it could be because everything IS cluttered. And not for nothing- this housekeeper is a regular, ordinary human. She doesn’t drive a bull-dozer or have, like, magical powers.
Sonja says “Ever since this real estate agent wanted to show the house, I can’t look at my home with the same eyes anymore. Everything I look at looks dirty or used or old.
Just a hunch, but it could be because everything is dirty, used and old.
That should be Sonja’s Tinder tagline: Dirty, Used and Old.
Wait, we forgot Broken
She says that it’s probably the way everybody else sees it.
Seriously? A new lampshade (without dust) is $12 at HomeGoods
She doesn’t want it to look “unappetizing.”
Sonja explains that every moment she spends in the house is adding to her anxiety… and then she rambles on… and the photographer says, “I think you look great.”
Smokey Eye, Gstaad, Up-do, Nigerian Football Team
Sonja, instantly, switches modes from panicked and shvitzing to sopping-wet-horny-aging-slut- “Thank you. You look cute, too, Travis.”
Travis!!! No! We talked about this! If you feed the stray cat, it will never leave!!!
Sonja interviews that she “could do a few things with that camera with Travis. Turn the lens around here… we don’t have to photograph the house.”
She says “Where’s your camera? Is it in your pocket or are you just excited to see me?
Really Sonja? It is not your sole responsibility to test-drive every penis in the Universe.
The realtor suggests they add some pillow to one of the benches. “I got those in Burgundy with Frenchie.” Sonja adds.
Frenchie really gets around…
Seemingly out of nowhere, and unrelated to anything being discussed Sonja says to Travis “My girlfriend said he’s an actor. I don’t know why they are so concerned with who I’m dating.” Poor Travis just, like, nods and smiles.
Then Sonja asks, “Who are you dating?”
Travis says, “I’m married.” Sonja is like- you ruined my whole Mojo.
Sonja says- to Travis “It’s probably better because, I don’t have time for men right now.”
For $32,000/month, it needs to come with petrified dog poop
“Oh that? That’s dog poop I put up on the stool for my housekeeper to pick up. I picked it up with my bare hands when I was doing to the moss.”
Sonja, really? You’ve resorted to “doing the moss?”
Wow. It actually looks like someone could live there and not get Hep C
Travis snaps some pics and they do look 176% better than the actual house. The realtor is like- we need to pare down this kitchen. Sonja hands a mug to Travis and says “You want this mug? It’s my girlfriend Ramona’s. Give it to your wife, she’ll love it. What does it say?”
Travis says “My wife? You mean my husband.” Bahahahaha
Sonja says that she feels MUCH better because “I thought, he’s – like not gonna be with me…because you were with a woman. But now that I know you are gay, we can party together,
Uhh, that won’t be necessary…
and I can even make out with your husband. I don’t want to make out with you because I’m attracted to you….
Oh my god, you’re gay???
You sure you’re not bisexual? If I buy you something, will you get sexual? My grandmother used to say that all the time.”
Things we have learned from this scene:
- Sonja picks up poop with her bare hands, only to put it on a stool (no pun intended) for someone ELSE to then move AGAIN, instead of just throwing it away.
- Sonja, truly, thinks that every man is interested in her and her dirty poop hands?
- For a “legacy” Sonja, certainly, has no manners.
- You KNOW if they swabbed this house, there would be fecal matter EVERYWHERE.
- This realtor and Travis lost some kind of bet and the consequence was working for Sonja Morgan.
- The realtor and Travis are likely on some nuclear-strength type of antibiotic to battle all of the germs crawling about Sonja’s house.
- Sonja comes from a long line of old, embarrassing, desperate whores.
Has MisRed missed anything?
On the steps of the hotel, Bethenny carries out the duffle back filled with $125,000 and yells to Omar. “This is what $125,000 feels like… in cash.”
Cash here… unarmed… rob me
Why doesn’t Bethenny hang a sign around her neck that says “ROB ME?”
Bethenny hasn’t really spoken to Dorinda yet. She saw her, and Dorinda smiled and didn’t really say anything so she imagines that Dorinda must know she f*cked up in some way. Or Dorinda might just assume it was a regular Tuesday night. Who knows???
Dorinda descends the steps of the hotel- dressed and ready to make it rain. She feels bad that she “didn’t have a good night last night,” but it was a long day, she was anxious about the trip, and feels she probably shouldn’t have gone to the dinner and shouldn’t have had drinks beforehand.
Amazing how hindsight is 20/20. Dorinda is ready to make it a new day.
Dorinda, Bethenny and Omar board the private jet. Once seated, Dorinda thanks Bethenny for bringing her on the trip. Bethenny begins to address the situation- saying she doesn’t want to get Dorinda’s “fur” up, because Bethenny is going to be super kind- Dorinda goes nuts. And sometimes Dorinda treats Bethenny worse than Ramona… in Bethenny’s opinion. And, Bethenny cuts Dorinda some slack because Dorinda is “a drunk.”
Dorinda disputes this, saying that she shouldn’t drink without eating, and she shouldn’t have gone out the night before. Bethenny says that Dorinda shouldn’t be going to bed at 7pm, that’s not normal. Dorinda argues that she shouldn’t have started drinking at 4.
Um, yeah, well, yeah.
Bethenny says that when Dorinda drinks, she gets mean. As opposed to Bethenny who is just mean all the time.
Dorinda says that she has a lot going on in her life – Bethenny is like- so does everybody. Dorinda agrees, but says that her frustrations come out very quickly and she has to work on that. Bethenny says that Dorinda lashes out to hurt people. Dorinda says that she has to apologize- and Bethenny says that she doesn’t- but she just needs to not do it anymore.
Dorinda says that she wants to develop a strong, healthy, relationship with Bethenny. Bethenny says that this is impossible because she is scared of Dorinda.
Dorinda, who looks destroyed, says “I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, but I think that I use alcohol to sometimes exhibit bad behavior.”
Bethenny says that Dorinda belittled Michael’s entire existence. Well she didn’t belittle his $800 a day drug habit- but maybe she didn’t google him like MisRed did. Dorinda says she will apologize.
Dorinda interviews that Bethenny likes to label people and it’s not fair and it’s not accurate. Bethenny has had her moments. One night does not define people.
All of this is true. But it’s not an isolated incident- not for either of them.
Bethenny says that they always say how Sonja “misses the life,” but she thinks that Dorinda has a little bit of that, missing the life with Richard. Dorinda says she will always miss that. Bethenny has noticed that Dorinda has been talking about Richard more and more. Dorinda thinks that, possibly, Dennis triggered it because he reminds her of Richard.
Ok, this is where this gets really sad and MisRed can’t be her usual a$$hole self.
Dorinda says that Dennis is very like Richard. And it reminded her that what they had was real and she thought it was forever. She has a life not that is not the life she expected. And when Sonja was treating her divorce with the same level of hurt and anguish as a death, it triggered something in Dorinda. She says that with a divorce, there is still the option or the possibility of the person walking through the door…
Bethenny says “You have more of a chance of your husband walking through the door than Sonja’s, oddly.” LOL Good one, Bethenny. “She lost that and she knows that she was the one that f*cked it up.” In Bethenny’s talking head, she says that she thinks that Dorinda has chosen a man- John- that she can be with part-time, not someone that she can or would really be with full-time. So, she’s left thinking about her old life.
Dorinda thinks she has done really well for the past 5 years, but she has regressed and she can’t get her head around why she is, now, feeling this way. All of the “jobs” that Dorinda had in her life- the ones she enjoyed and appreciated are gone- being a wife and mother. Bethenny says that Dorinda says that she doesn’t want to be a wife again, but maybe she really does. Maybe Dorinda is just saying this to protect herself.
Bethenny asks her what John would say or do if Dorinda said she wanted to see other people and explore other relationships? Dorinda doesn’t know that she would even to that. She says she is ok living on her own, but sometimes she wonders- is this it? For example- if she died in her apartment- would anyone find me?
Dorinda’s interview- almost killed MisRed because, it is something MisRed can relate to- almost word for word- Life is hard and you are always trying to keep it all together and have faith and be strong, but it is hard sometimes. She misses her old life when she would come home at night and know that somebody has her back.
Aw f*ck. MisRed has something in her eye. Hang on.
**And MisRed can add (this was a spoken unspoken agreement between myself and Dorinda): When you are viewed as strong, most people don’t notice when you begin to crumble. Even the strongest trees can snap if the conditions are right. We are all just broken beings trying to get along in this world- and, you know, hope that you don’t die alone and get eaten by your support staff.
She tells Bethenny- that as bad as it was to lose Richard, she really grew so much from the loss. She says that she is no longer the person that stood by his coffin. And she never would have become who she is today if Richard had lived. She isn’t saying it’s a GREAT thing. And maybe the person she was when she met John isn’t who she is today- and maybe the person she has become needs a different type of partner. Bethenny says that this is something she needs to figure out for herself- but from where Bethenny is sitting, she doesn’t think Dorinda is very fulfilled in her relationship with John.
Uh, DO NOT underestimate the power of a discount on dry cleaning.
Dorinda isn’t sure why she doesn’t commit to John- part of her misses having her life joined with another person and something about that thought scares her. She thinks maybe she needs to go to therapy. Bethenny is like- good idea.
And Bethenny gives Dorinda a big hug.
Sweet Jesus that was draining… MisRed always jokes about Dorinda being a national treasure and MisRed loves her slurring proclamations – but Dorinda has really shared herself in a way that no other Housewife has. This last scene was Dorinda stripped bare- confronting things about herself that she hasn’t wanted to say aloud or to even face. She recognizes her flaws and MisRed hopes to God she doesn’t fix ALL of them, it’s a courageous thing to do. Being self-aware is not for the faint of heart, MisRed knows. Some people will think that Bethenny was trying to publicly embarrass Dorinda, but MisRed doesn’t agree. Yes, Bethenny could have handled the restaurant scene differently. And yes, maybe this confrontation didn’t need to be filmed. But MisRed defies you to show me another scene that was so honest and raw on a Housewives show. Bethenny gave Dorinda exactly what she needed on that airplane- a loving kick in the ass. And showed her that it’s not only Richard that has her back. THAT’S RIGHT DORINDA!!! MISRED HAS YOUR BACK TOO!!! Let’s see where this goes…
Next week, we learn that Bethenny asked Adam to be involved with Puerto Rico – as a photographer. (Trust, nobody wants his vegan food in Puerto Rico…they have suffered enough) But Adam wanted to know how much he would be paid and when Bethenny said he would NOT be paid, he declined.
LuMan makes another appearance. Apparently, Sonja has taken Ramona back. Carole tells Bethenny to get off her jock…
MisRed, as always would like to hear your thoughts and comments! Xoxoxo