As Jim Morrison once sang, “This is the end. Beautiful friend.” We have come to the finale of Marriage Boot Camp, Season 2.
We open the concluding episode where we ended last week’s show- with a smashed piece of pottery and an angry Blanca, provoking Sunglasses to upend a perfectly lovely marble table. These people have no respect for furniture.
Blanca says, and I quote, “You didn’t do shit, you lying sack of shit.” What a charming lady of the manor. Bear in mind, she knows nothing about what transpired the entire evening, aside from what she has fabricated in that walnut sized brain of hers. Thank god this is the last episode.
Sunglasses acknowledges that he needs to calm down. Blanca says she sees lipstick on his shirt. He is angry but this isn’t Mad Men. Blanca is trying to go upstairs to start more drama and Shaun is trying to calm her down, as is most of the cast. Gloria has to butt in, of course, and screams at Shaun to sit his raggedy ass down. Apparently “raggedy” is a trigger word for Shaun and he gets that crazy look in his eye like the Hulk is about to come out.
Shaun jumps down the steps away from Gloria and proceeds to agressively hug Sophia. She starts squirming and telling the big oaf that he is hurting her. When she calls him an idiot, Shaun gets full of righteous indignation and says “How dare you?!” He is a drama queen.
Now they are arguing. Gloria says that Sophia is the problem. Now the producers are swarming around and Sophia wants to talk to Shaun. In a cutaway, Gloria says they have World War 3 on their hands, but gets confused when she thinks if there has or has not already been a WW3. And she has 6 kids ladies and gentlemen. A producer says, off camera that WW3 is coming.
Transition to WW3 in the house. It is a little confusing but Sophia says she wants to talk to lunkhead. Gloria is trying to prevent this from happening because gorgeous Sophia is also a determined idiot. Shaun swoops in and does that thing where he carries Sophia out of “harms way.” He puts his baggage down (see what I did there?) and she screams for him to protect her. FROM WHAT?
Off comes his shirt and he is storming towards Gloria. Shaun punches the wall, shoves a security guard who looks like he is made from granite, and is basically going berserk-o. He is storming down the hallway with Sunglasses and the security guard trying to hold him back. He gets to Sophia’s door where we see a brief shot of a producer begging her to relax. Shaun starts bashing his forehead against the door and it is actually pretty scary to watch.
The security guard is the one talking to Shaun now, telling him he does not need to get so angry. Gloria thinks they are in trouble and wonders if Sunglasses and Blanca will make it through in one piece. Sunglasses is telling his awful wife that there were a lot of bitches at the bar. Maybe these two are meant for one another.
Somehow Sunglasses calls Blanca his girlfriend and this sets her off. She calls him a stupid motherfucker and he asks her to punch him. Jesus. They storm off to different rooms.
We go to the kitchen where Sunglasses is surprisingly not making breakfast, and Shaun walks in from stage right carrying Sophia. It is strange. She is like a wounded puppy. Or a slightly inbred one that doesn’t have use of its legs. Sophia is concerned she broke her little toe. OY. Shaun is trying to explain that everyone drank that evening, which is a valid point. Gloria, AGAIN being a pain in the ass and inserting herself where she should not, calls them a waste of time and walks out of the kitchen. Oh you asshole- there was no heat until you dropped a bomb in the kitchen and got your ass out of it. HATE HATE HATE.
Shaun punches another wall and starts ranting and raving. Sophia is apoplectic. He charges Gloria, knocking over Sophia. Sunglasses gently puts down a cigarette before restraining Shaun, yet again. Funny.
Producers are running everywhere and it is a little madhouse. Shaun is on the floor being smothered by Sunglasses when Gloria grabs a butcher knife. Now she has gone from drama queen to dangerous.
Tomas swoops in and grabs the knife from Gloria. Gloria is screaming that she didn’t do anything. Yes, except instigate the argument and promulgate your dumb thoughts. Shaun starts bucking like he is in the World Wrestling Entertainment at Sunglasses who has him pinned. It is a pair of distressed jeans pumping at a big stomach.
Finally the craziness ends with Shaun, not incorrectly, deeming Gloria a dumb ass bitch. Sunglasses says everyone should just regroup in the morning. Yes, in padded cells.
Daybreak. The guys are sitting in their toilet papered room and Shaun says if they just went back to their room when they got home nothing would have happened. Yes, except Blanca still would have thrown pottery. Shaun says the details are coming back and he feels remorseful and upset while Sophia is only feeling pain in her foot. She leaves to go to the doctor and we leave the program to go to commercials.
When we return, the Directors are lamenting how much progress Shaun made and how quickly he threw that away. They also talk a bit about the other couples but since this is an almost two hour program I am glossing over this section. The girls are in the kitchen and Gloria is happy her toe might be broken. The guys are also together and Tomas thinks Shaun and Sophia are the most in trouble. Sunglasses thinks Mark and Gloria are doomed. Me too.
Who will leave the boot camp house remarried? We shall soon see.
Sophia has returned from the doctor in a half leg cast. She reveals that she broke the side of her foot. MORON. I am beginning to think I may have made a miscalculation when it comes to my eternal love. The boot campers are summoned but Sophia is nowhere to be found. Eventually she hobbles in on crutches. Shaun feels ashamed, and also like his balls are shriveling even more due to the roids. Sophia thinks she does not want to be anywhere near Shaun. Let’s see how long that lasts.
DC says it is the final day of the boot camp. DE says everyone still has work to do and some people brought chaos to the entire house. Sophia and Shaun are up first. Sophia does not remember anything…or so she says. DE says if they don’t address the cycle of fighting and booze they might as well get a divorce. Same shit she said the first episode.
Blanca and Sunglasses are up next. DE says that Blanca was a selfish see you next tuesday during the lie detector test. If they cannot learn to manage their triggers, they will never make it. The only trigger that needs to be managed is that of an M16 as Sunglasses empties a full clip in Blanca’s direction. Jeff and Tasha are given praise- and Jeff is told his progress has been phenomenal.
Gloria and Mark are told that Gloria’s walls are still up. They are growing individually but not as a couple. Mai Lee and Tomas are told that they came in with a lot of issues. And since Mai Lee is still around, the issues are large and irritating. DC says they conquered their insecurities…OH PLEASE.
They are told that they will get their ring boxes back, along with divorce papers. It is up to them to choose. Some boot campers will also get private counseling with the Directors. The couples are segregated by gender until the ring ceremony that evening. Jeff says that it has been a good two weeks…WAIT, this entire season happened over just two weeks?? Interesting!
Sophia is really worried. DE says that if there is an addiction problem, that hurdle needs to be taken care of first before any other change can happen. DE says that Sophia deserves better and that she should not put up with it. Back in the girls room, they can hear the boys laughing in the other room. So the girls start laughing like maniacs to make the boys jealous. Sunglasses says it sounds like they are having a good ass time, however the real truth is what looks to be a scary, creepy coven of witches laughing like harpies.
Sunglasses does not fully trust Blanca and Blanca is confident that she has never done anything to make him doubt her. Except the whole possible cheating thing. It is like the last two weeks never took place- she is still a total loser unworthy of anything good in life. Sunglasses is still a moron. Blanca knows Sunglasses is not over it and is worried for tonight. Tomas asks if Sunglasses is doing OK, and out of all of the couples in the boot camp house, I think their relationship is the most genuine. Sad. Sunglasses reveals that he called off the wedding to Blanca once before. DUDE! That should have been a pretty clear sign that she is not marriage material. Then again, he is not the brightest.
Mark is up next but he is confident he can make the marriage work. You may be able to, but Gloria may be a wrench in those plans. OK, we finally move on to the ceremony!
Blanca and Sunglasses are up first. Blanca says they came in with a lot of issues, and she thought they had a strong marriage but the other day proved her wrong. Wait a fucking minute, she was the one who threw dishware at him for no reason and she was the one who was dishonest in TWO of the exercises when it came to her fidelity. So what in god’s name is she blathering on about? Just shove her in the pool and move on with your life man!
Sunglasses looks over it. But he says that he has learned how to be more responsible for his actions and that he thanks her for forgiving the old Julian. BUT BUT, he then says that the lie detector showed a lot of inconsistency. We go to commercials.
When we get back, Sunglasses is folding like the cheap suit he is wearing. He says he won’t give up on his marriage and that the past is in the past. He says that she is his best friend. Nooooooooooooooooooooo! They step off the alter hand in hand.
Mark is ready to get his wife and his life back. Gloria walks out without a butcher knife, so that is a good sign I guess. Mark wants to continue on in the marriage. Gloria says that when they arrived, she did not consider that SHE was an issue in the relationship. She then says that they are growing individually but not together and while she loves him, she says that she needs some time for herself so NO RING for Mark. He looks at her like she has three heads, all of them nagging.
Gloria goes upstairs where she finds Mark in the infamous closet, packing his stuff. She asks if he has anything to say and he doesn’t so Gloria walks out and interviews to the camera that he needs to learn to have a conversation. UNREAL- leave him alone to process his emotions. They pack their bags and silently walk out of the boot camp house into a waiting van. That is a confusing edit but whatever.
Tomas and Mai Lee are up next. Tomas acknowledges that their marriage was on the rocks. He thinks they have grown and he tells her how much he loves her. Mai Lee says that she loves him, but that he has a gypsy soul and that he could leave at any point. What they fuck are you talking about? A gypsy soul? Who are you Van Morrison?
Needless to say, she gives him back the ring and makes the speech all about her. They kiss and walk off together. Mai Lee is ready for their first argument.
LaTashijuana and Jeff are up next. Tasha reminisces about their affectionate relationship. She is worried that their relationship is beyond repair and if they can grow as a couple. Jeff says that before they came to boot camp they did not communicate. They learned so much together. He could not ask for a better wife or mother. They each open their boxes and…the rings are there. Oh, these two crazy kids. Good for them. I definitely gave Tasha my fair share of snark but she came through at the end, as did Jeff. They exchange “I love yous” and some sloppy kisses. DC tells them to get a room. Ha.
And now for the explosive pair of numb nuts, Sophia and Shaun. He tells her he is sorry and that he wants to start a family with her. She says she cannot do this anymore. His box contains a ring. Her box contains…DIVORCE PAPERS (actually it looks like some spare loose leaf paper but whatever). Wait, I am right because it is actually a letter. The letter says blah blah you choose alcohol over me blah blah you need to get help blah blah. DC asks Shaun to take a knee and share what is in his heart. He gets down and tells her that he hates himself and that he is so so sorry. He says he will do whatever it takes. She gives him the ring, as most of us suspected. He promises to give her what she needs. He carries her off the alter back into the mansion to the cheers of the other couples- minus Gloria and Mark.
The couples make their way outside where DE is freezing cold and DC invites all of them “except Shaun” to enjoy some champagne. The couples and the Directors toast with the proclamation that they are boot camp survivors and the real work starts now.
And with that, we conclude season 2. I don’t know about you but I mostly enjoyed the season. Most importantly, it is nice to read the feedback in comments and hope you will join me for Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars, which premieres on May 30th! Happy watching everyone!