It’s the season premiere of Catfish and I am so excited! If I worked at MTV, I would order 100+ episodes of Catfish and start a TV channel dedicated solely to Internet relationships, scams and deception. The Internet is the best. This season’s promos include nude pics, a famous actress talking about a funeral and a whole town getting catfish’ed. Nev said this season is darker because the Catfish have gotten smarter. I bet I can still figure out who the Catfish is before the “Cod” and have a good laugh at everyone involved. So much lying and so many tears. I can’t wait!!!!!
Let’s get right into it. Max and Nev are sitting in a hotel room talking about hair product. Awww these two crazy kids. Good to have them back on my TV. They sit down and read an email from a guy named Craig who lives outside Pittsburgh. Craig has been talking to a girl named Zoe who lives in Florida. He “caught” feelings and she had stood him up FOUR TIMES in the past when he wanted to meet. Craig says that the love they shared “turned sour”. Craig seems like he already doubts this girl but Nev, forever the optimist, is too invested. All of the old Catfish tropes are back in full force. Nev asks, “You guys ever video chat?” Um obviously not! No one on this show ever video chats. But Craig and Zoe had a phone relationship so it probably is a girl, just not a girl that looks like Zoe. And Craig says asking for a picture was like him asking for a bag of gold. All classic Catfish red flags!
Meet Craig. Apparently he has never seen this show.
Nev and Max road trip montage! They head to Pittsburgh to meet up with their new BFF Craig. Craig lives in a place with NOTHING on the walls. He says he met Zoe online when he was visiting his sister Miriah in Florida. Miriah and Zoe were friends too. Craig’s dad died of AIDS when he was 8 (so many sad faces) and Zoe gave him the love he has always been looking for in his life. He calls his Dad a dog and says he didn’t know how to strap up. He recounts what a flake Zoe was whenever they tried to meet up. Then Zoe asked for his Facebook password. I totally thought he was going to say bank account information.
Craig starts to open up about what went wrong between these two. Apparently when Facebook released Photo Syncing all of Craig’s personal photos were uploaded from his phone to his Facebook account. Zoe found pictures Kayln, one of Craig’s sister’s friends, in lingerie. Zoe was PISSED. She posted the photos to Facebook and put Kayln on BLAST and called her a trashy hoe. Wow. Zoe’s hardcore and a cyberbully. Craig then changed his password but Zoe kept hacking into his account. Change your security questions you dummy!! Then Zoe’s photos were synced with the account and Craig saw a picture of a chubby gap toothed girl.
Ding ding ding ding!
That is definitely the Catfish. And I bet she was hoping that Craig would be all “Zoe, who was that super cute girl?” and then she could parlay this into a real relationship and kill Zoe and pretend like she never did anything bad. Catfishes are the dumbest.
Anyway, Craig says he STILL can’t shake this girl. She calls him crying whenever they try and break it off. He says he needs to know who he’s been talking to all this time. Max calls him out for not wanting to escape and Craig is sad to say that he loves her. Nev is all “forget Facebook, SHE HACKED INTO YOUR HEART!” Even though Zoe says she lives in North Carolina, all of her friends are in Jacksonville, Florida, where Craig’s sister lives. The whole group heads to Florida for more detective work.
Another travel montage!! Craig says it’s his first time on a plane and now we know why he wanted to come on this show. He’s reunited with his sister Miriah and they share a sweet hug. She’s got a large gun above her fireplace called Lori. I would not mess with her. Miriah says she knows Zoe and they’d talked a lot and got really close online. Creepy. When Zoe posted pictures of Kayln and put her on blast, it ruined the friendship between Miriah and Kayln. Zoe also called Miriah a bitch for some reason.
Max and Nev want to meet Miriah’s friends. They call Zoe a real life gossip girl and social media bully. Nev and Max sit down with Kayln and Kayla to relive the cyberbullying. Zoe messed with these girls good. They WERE (past tense) best friends.
Zoe first sent Kayln’s picture to her best friend Kayla and claimed that Craig sent them to her. Then she posted the photos AND Kayln’s contact information on Facebook. And pictures of other girls too. How many girls are sending Craig sexy pictures?? It’s their friend’s brother who lives in Pittsburgh. This is insane. Also, Miriah, Kayln and Kayla are dumb names spelled a stupid way. Craig has a little bit of a panic attack when he relives what a fucking insane psycho he’s been talking to all this time. He’s hurt. He’s sad. He’s crying. Max reassures him that he did what he’s supposed to do by following his heart!!
What happens when you follow your heart (online)
Craig realizes out loud that he fell in love with someone that’s evil. Aww it’s OK Craig, everyone should love someone evil at least once in their life. Plus you’re dumb and your dad died of AIDS so we still like you.
Max and Nev sit down alone to Google this bitch. Max is all pissed and says yesterday really got to him. He always gets super mad while Nev tries to hold out hope that this is going to end well. Max calls Zoe a Catfish Terrorist! They run the phone number for Zoe and it eventually leads back to the gap tooth chubby girl Cassandra. I knew it. She also appears to live in a really nice house so I guess that’s why she didn’t ask for Craig’s bank account information.
Nev and Max, I may start calling them Nax or Mev, I haven’t decided, search for Cassandra on YouTube and she has an account. They play a video of her ranting but I can’t make out what she’s saying but she seems like a bully. Max and Nev reunite with Craig to show him what they learned. They play the YouTube video where they talk and Craig confirms the voice is the same and it’s Zoe. It doesn’t seem like a voice that “Zoe Peterson” would ever have but Craig is stupid. Miriah is sick to her stomach. Everyone wants an apology from Cassandra. That is what people on this show always want when it’s obvious they have been talking to a crazy person. Probably because there is absolutely no reason for them to meet anymore.
Nev calls Cassandra and leaves a message, he doesn’t look thrilled that she didn’t pick up but he explains his spiel on the phone. Max says whatever let’s go, we know where she lives. And she’s obviously already agreed to be on Catfish so who cares if she answers the phone. They all fly out together the next day. Apparently there is an airport in Shelby, North Carolina. They are on their way with no word from Cassandra. The plan is to just show up at her house and knock on the door. When they get there it’s the biggest house on the block. They park outside the driveway and it’s a long walk to the door. Craig knocks. And rings the doorbell. No one answers but the garage door is open. Hmmmmm.
It’s OK, I’m an MTV docu-series Internet detective!
Max won’t give up. He thinks someone is there watching them. All of a sudden she pulls in and drives past the group. They approach the parked car and she makes a surprised face. Craig confronts her and she admits she’s Zoe. Craig introduces himself and his sister. HAHAHA Cassandra says she’s fully aware, no introduction necessary. What a bitch. She’s got no excuse, it was just a joke that got out of hand. It was just a game to mess with people. You think the Catfish would have some time to come up with a better story, seeing as this is SEASON 3 and Cassandra was all mic’d up ready to go. I would start listing off medical conditions and blaming other people immediately. Miriah is pissed and calls Cassandra out. Cassandra doesn’t seem too fazed by any of this. She smiles and laughs when Craig says he stood by her. She denies having any feelings for Craig and says it was kind of a game. Max, states the obvious which is Cassandra doesn’t get it.
Do these look like the pants of a confused crazy person?
Craig just wants Cassandra to take in what she has done. Max calls her a bomb and wants to dismantle the bomb. So like, solve this girl’s mental illness? I think that is pretty ambitious for the guy who carries a GoPro camera around for no reason. They want to meet up with Cassandra again and talk. They just text her to let her know they are on their way over. She actually invites them in and apologizes to Craig for lying to him. Craig calls her out for having issues and she’s immediately defensive. Catfish are always defensive. They lie about everything and then act like the lies are totally normal. He takes off and says he should have broken it to her hard. She’s clearly hurt by Craig leaving, she’s in tears and says she tries to act tough but admits that she used to get bullied a lot. As she starts to cry she attempts to cover have her face with some hair. It doesn’t work, she needs more hair.
Dr. Nev dives right into the bullying remark and asks her about hurting herself. Cassandra admits that she has thought about killing herself a few times. So now I feel bad for Craig for being so dumb and for Cassandra for being such a depressed asshole. Max tells her to let this change your life. Nev tries to give her some more hope and says he watched her let go of that other bad person when Craig walked out. Such Catfish Couch Psych 101. Max and Nev report back to Craig and the show ends. That’s all. Except it’s not!!! On MTV, they showed a full half hour after show discussed below. On iTunes (yes I watched this twice) they do the typical follow up. This was Cassandra a month after.
Now I know why she didn’t want to video chat with Craig. Woof.
During Catfish’s after live show, Chatfish (awesome) they reveal that #PoorCraig was trending on Twitter. Great, so now more girls will send him lingerie pictures that may lead to them being put on blast on Facebook someday. No more pictures girls. Just stop it. Since the show Craig has been working at Olive Garden and studying at barber school. He’s had no contact with Cassandra.Cassandra comes out. She’s really, really dumb and it’s hard for her to even form sentences. She stares up at the ceiling and says “I mean” a million times. She’s apologized to Miriah and says her and Craig shared personal business. Cassandra says she was also Catfishing someone else at the same time as Craig. Kayla and Kayln come out to confront Cassandra. One girl says it broke her heart. I don’t get why these girls were making girl friends with strangers online. They say they were friends for 5 years. OMG. They look very pretty and normal. Cassandra apologizes. But seriously girls, you are the winners and this fat depressed fuck is the loser in this situation. They try and ask Cassandra what’s next, but she’s too stupid to articulate an answer and keeps saying “finish graduations” and college. I think she’s in high school but she must be over 18. Cassandra claims she took down the fake profile but Craig claims otherwise. They end on a sour note. Woohoo!
That was an awesome first episode. What did you guys think? There was a short amount of time where I thought it would have been one of Miriah’s friends Catfishing Craig, but they were too good looking. I can’t wait to see the rest of the season!! Want more TrashTalk? Join us on Facebook, Twitter, and our YouTube page!