Hellooooo Trashmis. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to get to this riveting episode of Shep’s liver pulsating like a spider egg sac, TRav mumbling through a set up with Lahhahahahahahahahndon, Kathryn doing yoga, Jenn’s party, Cam foisting creepy dolls at lunch, Austen continuing to irritate America, and Craig and Naomie doing the slow-motion break up thing at parties. Onward!
Kathryn opens this week, throwing an entire loaf of bread to the ducks. Which, is actually the WORST thing you can give them.
“Here ducks. Die. Quack Quack”
Austen is cooking eggs in a disgusting pan, which is fitting. Landon is creating one of her “masterpieces” in the yard, Whitney is hurriedly walking poor fat Chauncy,
“Hurry up. I burn and disintegrate in daylight”
and Cam is waiting for Craig. As usual. Shep is doing laundry, waiting awkwardly for his latest one night stand to leave.
“Hi. I play skank #63 in the popular Bravo show, Southern Charm“
Shep explains how it’s much easier if the girl leaves, but that some of them want to hang out later! The horror!
“Don’t you know that I only used you as a slimier masturbating hand?”
While he continues to get his laundry done, he gets a call about his health.
Oopsie daisy. Not too great
So while Shep isn’t in liver failure, his liver is definitely inflamed. Um. One question…
How the FUCK is he still okay?
We check back, and Cam is STILLLL waiting. Note: I fucking HATE late people. HATE HATE HATE. Chronically late people are so annoying. MissKitty is always on time, unless there is a freak accident.
Back at Patricia’s Whitney is finished walking Chauncy, and Patricia sends for Michael to haul his fat ass away. “They don’t want you!” Michael coos sadly. I love Michael!!
Seriously- my favorite person on this shit show
Whitney tells his mom about the meeting with Thomas and how he feels he’s losing his mojo. Whitney says Thomas feels like his time is running out. Patricia hilariously asks him “Why don’t you feel that way?” while petting Monty on the chaise. I know I give Patricia a lot of shit lately, but she still cracks me up.
I can’t help it. You’re funny as fuck
Patricia decides to throw a dinner party to push Landon and Thomas together. Whitney starts dracula-ing out with his strange accent.
46 minutes later, Craig finally arrives. He is practically peeing down his leg at being late, and apologizing.
How about… instead of acting like a puppy who chewed Mommy’s glasses, you just FUCKING SHOW UP ON TIME
Cam is showing Craig around, and he instantly starts acting like he’s on fucking HGTV.
“Does it have granite countertops, a white kitchen, open concept, walk in closet, man cave, and a ten-minute commute?? I want all that plus Craftsman-style charm”
Craig complains about the house, and Cam is actually way more patient than I’d be, frankly. She interviews that he has caviar taste on a Vienna Sausage budget. That’s okay. He also has concrete goals on an ADD mental disorder. Cam starts asking Craig about Naomie’s thoughts on all the house hunting etc., and then she spills the beans that she and Naomie talked. Ooo bad move. That should stay in the vault. A, because maybe Naomie would want to have a chance to talk to him first, and B, because it makes Craig feel like crap. He interviews that the first thing he needs in a relationship is trust. Not going to argue there. Craig says that he can’t do stuff in his life to make her happy and comfortable, and Cam explains why MissKitty hasn’t wanted to be married, e.g., you start compromising what you want to make another person happy.
“You have to swallow your feelings!”
Kathryn is driving and calls Shep. Shep finds out she’s going to go to yoga and asks to join her.
Oh. It’s you.
He’s here to pick up Chelsea, who wastes no time in thirstily grooming his hair.
“We’re boyfriend/girlfriend. RIGHT??!!!!!!”
Gurl calm down. Austen takes her to a place that has 20 beers on tap and picks for her. It’s actually kind of cute the way he wants to impress her. I SAID KIND OF.
It’s still you, after all
Then they reminisce about Shep’s birthday party. Austen tells her that he and Shep worked out their issues with Austen dating her, and how it’s not breaking bro code. Of course Chelsea has to stomp all over the conversation by crowing that it’s nice having two men fight over her. Eh boy. Chelsea. Stop looking so needy.
“I thought I just said it was all good. Where’s the exit?”
Next, Cam is going to a restaurant with her creepy ass doll.
“Hello. My doll would like to invade your vents and kill people after hours, suddenly appearing when the person turns around.”
She’s meeting up with Shep, and his genuine baffled amusement is funny to me.
He’s so in love with her
Shep reveals that he’s doing yoga with Kathryn and cutting down on drinking. Cam says he drinks because he’s bored. Cam then says she was going to do a love spell on him. “Who do you think I should fall in love with?” he asks breathlessly.
“Please say you please say you are you getting divorced, please say you”
Cam has brought him his OWN creepy doll to put on the doorstep of the woman he loves, thus ensuring that he will never ever get a woman to fall in love with him.
Because, yes. Having a bald stuffed corpse that looks like Slender Man without his clothes is a real aphrodisiac.
To make matters even worse…
IT HAS A FUCKING DONG
Over at Patricia’s Michael is getting ready for her dinner party guests. Whitney sashays in, and Patricia loves his suit.
That is a nice suit. Preparing for you to ruin things in 3…2…1
Patricia brags about how she prepares for a dinner party, like it’s some insanely hard thing.
Oh no. Over at Craig and Naomie’s she comes in from a hard day to find the little woman sewing furiously and ignoring her. Instead of fixing her favorite drink, Craig is going to give the silent treatment.
“I’m going to let HER speak first. I’m busy!! And I also don’t HAVE to have dinner on the table! I’m a modern woman!”
Craig has programmed the sewing machine to do a cat on the pillow case. So it’s typical of Craig. Do something that actually isn’t any discernible talent. Just sit and let something else take over. Naomie says it “kind of looks like Gizmo”. And Craig’s face falls.
“I put so much effort into pressing that touch screen!”
Craig tells her about the house he’s very close to settling on, while petulantly re-threading the machine. Naomie bursts out laughing, saying she can’t take him seriously while he’s doing that. It’s playful, and on another day, perhaps Craig would not be such a wet fucking blanket and crack up too. I can’t STAND passive aggressive pouty bullshit. Have a laugh. Come ON. It IS funny.
I think it’s funny too, girl
Craig does not. Wah WAAAAHHH (Debbie Downer Trombone)
Craig says he feels unsupported right now and your partner is supposed to support you. Fair enough, but your partner is also supposed to be reliable and not full of pipe dreams too. Landon calls to see if they’re going to Jennifer’s “Sip and See” (ugh), which is a way of saying “have cocktails and see the baby”. Then she says that she’s going to Patricia’s with Cam and Thomas. Craig tells Naomie afterwards and when she asks him about it, he bitches about it and then says he doesn’t give a shit. mmkay.
I think I need some of this. Ah that’s better
We’re at Patricia’s dinner party, where Whitney spills the tea that it’s to set up Thomas and Landon. Cam is horrified. That makes 365 million of us, dear. Plus she points out that Kathryn hates Landon.
That makes 365 million of us again, dear
Landon arrives in a typically hideous outfit.
1975 called. It would like its fugly lounging pajamas back.
Seriously. Where the fuck does this imbecile get her clothes?
“Here, let’s put this Harvest Gold refrigerator over here”
Thomas, no dummy, sees that this is a set up, with the blessing of Patricia. Cam interviews that they’re both matchmakers. Cam starts grilling Thomas about his love life. Then Whitney starts grilling Landon, calling her boyfriend “dumb”. Patricia vaguely admonishes him. Whitney says it’s like dating a “mimbo” or maybe he said “bimbo”, I can never fucking tell when he’s talking. Landon agrees he isn’t necessarily going to be “the one”.
“You really should be dating a teenage reality TV star. It’s so much better.”
Next Whitney asks her about long-term relationships, like he has a fucking clue about them.
“I went out with my beard long distance for several years. But let me counsel you”
Thomas chimes in that Landon likes dating him, because she knows he’s “safe” in that she won’t have to make a real commitment.
“Lahk ah hev den my entire lahf”
Whitney asks hypothetically if they were to be married, would Thomas insist on a prenup. Thomas bays that he wouldn’t, and Landon can barely contain her annoying tittering. Patricia sends reality crashing down by saying that Thomas especially should get a prenup.
Hahaha. I still love this bitch. I can’t help it
We next go to Kathryn and Shep doing yoga. Kathryn says yoga has helped her be mindful and present. Um. Okay. She does admit that she has anxiety and that it gets in the way. Yep. I think that’s been her problem all along. Shep walks into class, grinning and introducing himself. And I would ask for my class fee waived if I had to take my class with this interrupting doofus.
Nomas.. that’s it. No mas.
Shep is naturally a disaster in yoga.
Hahahaha! I’m actually enjoying the shit out of this
Confession: MissKitty used to do CorePower Yoga, and she lost her balance on one foot and hopped around on her mat like she was in a sack race. It wasn’t exactly zen. After, he and Kathryn talk, as she discusses her sobriety. When he admits that he hasn’t drank anything for the past few days, Kathryn is shocked. We see Shep taking vitamins and juicing
(the Nutribullet would be better. Just saying. Also throwing some Tito’s in there. Ooops. Sorry)
Shep and Kathryn bemoan the fact that downtown Charleston is a nightmare if you’re trying to stay sober. Shep says he’s proud of Kathryn and that she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders. Seems to.
Next- aw it’s Austen’s two dads meeting up for dinner! This looks like it’s the continuation of the scene where we first met them, but okay.
Hi Austen’s two dads!
All kidding aside, they actually seem like relatively normal people. His mom wears the pants in the family according to Austen. Must. Remain. Mature. MissKitty. Must. Not. Be. Mean. Anyway, they ask about his love life. He tells them about Chelsea. His dad sweetly says that they don’t want to meet any of his girlfriends, because they end up liking them all. Aw. Then they turn the conversation over to Austen’s job. His parents want him to have a real career to support himself. He says he is, and his dad breaks it down- Not hand to mouth.
Laying down the LAW
“Shape the fuck up”
They point out that he needs to have a business plan or some kind of goals for his future.
Next it’s Jennifer’s slip and slide or sip and see whatever the fuck. Cam comes in and instantly throws her whole storyline last season into question as she hounds Jenn to get her hands on that little baby. Grandpa Thomas walks up with Kensie.
“You hole grenpaw’s han on the steers, naow”
Landon must have hired a stylist, because she’s actually wearing a nice dress for once.
Wait. There’s no horrible embroidery or weird hemlines or puffy voluminous smocking.
Cam and Eliza (who is clearly angling for a cast slot) are both entranced.
“Can I be on the show yet? How about now?”
Naomie arrives, Craig-less, and over a “bloody”, she confides to Cam that he wasn’t ready, so she just left him.
“Hi, we’re breaking up soon. Want to watch?”
Craig finally arrives, and Cam tells him the house he likes has an offer. Jenn asks if it’s for a rental property or to get away from Naomie, and just dies laughing.
Jenn. See that face? Naomie is NOT amused, shit stirrer
JD and Elizabeth arrive and Pat and Whitney. Whitney proclaims the baby beautiful and then when asked to hold him, declines.
“I’d rather perform a gyno exam or be successful at something!”
Shep is holding Kensie and Cam coos about how cute he is. Naomie is still mad at Craig and unloads about him. Uh oh. Naomie is worried about Craig (and her) being shunted aside, probably with filming. Cam explains that it was a matchmaking dinner. Thomas and Landon meet, and it’s there that I realize her dress is actually a two piece outfit and not the classic wrap dress I thought originally.
I knew the fug was in there somewhere
Jenn, securing her position back as the troublemaking busybody, asks Craig why Naomie is gossiping about him.
She looks very happy about it too
Craig is not thrilled. Cam shouts down that Craig’s counteroffer was accepted. Craig is excited about his house. Jenn and Thomas sit down together. Thomas says he admires her. Jenn tells him about his meeting with Kathryn and the handkerchief incident. Thomas is scornful of it and says that’s why he ended the relationship. He says he pities her. Ouch. He says he hopes she’ll resume mother duties soon.
Craig comes up and Jenn compliments him. Craig mutters that he’s freezing and goes in to talk to Naomie, who is standing with Jenn’s mom.
Yay- get ready for awkwardness!
Craig and Naomie start doing the incredibly squirm-inducing thing where they “casually” start sniping at each other with an audience. Craig complains that Naomie left him, and it’s on.
“My love for you is draining out of me. On national TV”
“I’m going to drag you deeper into our argument. Aren’t you having fun??”
Jenn’s mom hightails it out of there at the first pause. It’s SO uncomfortable. HATE when couples do that shit.
Craig and Naomie tensely stand around each other and then Craig says “go ahead child, you can speak”
OH NO HE DID NOT!
Do NOT be mean to Naomie!!! It’s not her fault!!
Naomie seems actually pretty upset. So does Craig, but he’s so irrational, it’s hard to be on his side. We end with Craig fuming and Naomie leaving the party.
So what did you all think? Do you think Craig is right, or is Naomie right? Are they both wrong? Is Jenn a troublemaker? Do we forgive Kathryn yet? Let me know!