Goiys. Goiys! Can you believe it? It’s already the last episode. Does time fly when nothing is going on, or what? MisRed hopes everyone has had a good week since we last trashed these a-holes?
Where did we leave off? Really. LOL. Who cares, at this point. All MisRed knows is, she just spilled hot coffee all over her couch and herself… and that’s the most exciting thing that has happened this season. Somebody better kill Dorit in this episode… if they know what’s good for them.
We start where we left off… with Dorit’s head being chopped off. You have no idea how badly MisRed wanted to write – “with Dorit’s head being, LITERALLY, chopped off. That’s what is missing from this season… a good guillotine, but MisRed digresses. Ok, so Dorit was a miserable smelly clam trap at the photoshoot for Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, so Mark, the pocket-gay editor, was like “Girl, Bye.”
I will have no negativity against the Lullaby League or the Lollipop Guild…
Andy says that at Dorit’s “fashion” show, LVP said that the decision to NOT use pickle-puss Dorit was only just made the previous day.
$11 never looked so classy
But Andy says that, on the show, we saw LVP and PGM (pocket-gay Mark) doing a supplemental shoot- they slapped some Fredrick’s of Hollywood Clearance Rack Emerald City Dominatrix Suit on an actual model- of the jewelry line about a month after Dorit ruined the original shoot. LVP says that, yes, they did a reshoot, but in the end they decided a headless Dorit was better than a chick in the green poly-blend lingerie, so they went with Dorit.
Headless Pleather Trumps Polyester
Dorit asks LVP if she cut off her head as punishment?
What does it matter? It was YOU that didn’t like the pictures…
Well, MisRed can say, it wasn’t punishment for us. LVP argues that Dorit didn’t like the pictures anyway.
This Canary sure would taste great with a pretzel
Rinna and Erika jump to Dorit’s defense?!?!?! Uh… why? Dorit is the worst. What does PK and Dorit have on them? Were they doing coke in the bathroom? Their argument is- Dorit was an asshole, so LVP thought- OH REALLY- watch this!! Nobody dares out-asshole me!!! They both thought it was mean.
Ugh. You know what MisRed thinks is mean? Dorit being a twat and nobody holding her accountable for her behavior. Dorit seems to get a pass in every instance and MisRed has had enough.
Andy says to Kyle- “You’ve been punished by Lisa in a fun way… how do you see this?” Kyle is like… Oh yeah, so fun. Kyle says that she thinks that Dorit was a pain in the neck, didn’t like the pics so LVP was like… Fine- off with her head.
LVP looks like a large-mouth bass.
Andy is like- well it wasn’t a mistake that you chopped off her head, meaning, it wasn’t a Photoshop accident or something. LVP says she doesn’t want to get into the dynamics of the magazine but she did not, personally, edit the photos.
But you loved Anne Boleyn-ing Dorit, though, right?
Dorit says she feels LVP could have “had a dialogue” with her. AND she doesn’t believe that the decision to chop off her head was only made the day before her “fashion” show, because “all evidence points to it.”
PKay has hired the finest detectives from Scotland Yard and we have reviewed all of the evidence, Lisa…
All evidence points to Dorit being delusional, lying, rude social climber, but yet we are told it’s not so.
Andy says that it SEEMED that LVP was making the decision on the spot at the “fashion” show. LVP denies it and says that she, simply, does not make those decisions- the fashion editor does. Dorit jumps in and says that as Editor in Chief, if she wanted the pics in the magazine, they would have gone in. LVP is like- yeah, well, at that point, I didn’t care. You didn’t like the photos, and I didn’t care. AND would Dorit have been happy if she had used the photos she didn’t like?
Yeah, even though LVP is being shady AF, and she is completely punishing Dorit and being PETTY, she can’t win in this situation.
She either used Dorit as is and then heard about how much Dorit hated the photos for- you know- YEARS- as Dorit doesn’t let anything go. Or she doesn’t use Dorit and then hears about THAT for years. She chose the lesser of the evils and got a little revenge in the process.
What she should have done was not even show Dorit’s face in the first place- as was the ORIGINAL plan.
Rinna AGAIN dives in asking LVP why she gave Dorit so much power anyway? It’s typically the Editor’s call as to what goes in the magazine, so why does LVP even care, she should have printed the pictures as is. LVP says that Mark was absolutely adamant that there be no negativity surrounding the magazine. Rinna and Erika say that the “negativity induced” photos were STILL used, so LVP’s argument is thin.
LVP is like- how do I possibly win with this group? You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. This is true.
Everyone in the group agrees that there is no way to win with this group.
Andy asks LVP if Dorit’s time as LVP’s pet is up – due to Teddi coming on the scene? LVP claims that she has a very different relationship with Teddi than she does with Dorit and the rest of these old bags.
Hahahah I’m in and Dorit is out Hahahahaah
Yasssss !!! Let’s start with the fact that Teddi didn’t marry the human equivalent of a jellied ham.
Andy asks why she called Teddi, Teddi Bear? LVP says that Ken’s nickname is “Teddy,” because when they were poor and had no money, Ken used to use unstuffed Teddy Bear pelts as his toupee- before he could afford dog fur. AND Teddi is going to be the name of her first grandchild. Teddi says she likes the nickname and that LVP always was very welcoming to her.
Andy asks Dorit what she thinks of the nickname? Dorit is like- “Well, I’m not going to call her that!”
What I call her rhymes with “Pupid Hitch”
Dorit, come on, you are just pissed that you have a shitty name that can’t be turned into anything but DORITO, and they, like you, just leave a foul taste in one’s mouth.
Erika thinks that LVP likes to watch Dorit squirm. LVP goes on to say that she was “saddened by the demise of her friendship with Dorit…” then everyone argues about the use of the word DEMISE.
She basically called you an emotionally-stunted-unlovable orphan…what’s the big deal?
Rinna wants to understand WHY LVP was so mad at Dorit for saying that LVP was “needy, insecure, and that her Mom didn’t love her, like, not even one little bit?” Bahahahaha. Rinna doesn’t think it was that big of a deal. LVP says that it wasn’t a huge deal, but her feelings were hurt. Teddi had said that her feelings would have been hurt as well and LVP says that even Erika said that her feelings would have been hurt.
Erika says, “Very reticently, yes.” Good to see that “word a day” calendar is coming in handy, Erika.
Kyle says that because Dorit and LVP were newer friends, she had advised Dorit to fess up because if LVP found out that Dorit had said those things and Dorit had not been upfront about it- LVP would have been even MORE pissed.
LVP thinks the crux of the issue is, Dorit talks so much that the accuracy of her recollection isn’t there. Bahahaha. Let’s sugar-coat the fact that Dorit is a lying liar who lies to suit her own narrative. Rinna says that LVP was VERY hard on her when she failed to remember something accurately. Rinna thinks there are different standards for her vs Dorit.
Well yeah. LVP likes Dorit- for some unknown reason and she doesn’t like you, Rinna. It IS natural for one to give allowances to those they care for.
We review the Berlin trip…
When Dorit thought a “gin basil” was a “chin basil” and Lloyd Christmas- the Dumb and Dumber guy- had to correct her.
And then Erika served them Baby Panda Tartare.
Wait… I thought that was adult Panda…
They review Dorit’s tears about the Holocaust. Ok, MisRed isn’t going to be a d*ck, she will leave it alone. Andy asks Kyle about her experience as a Jewish woman, and what happened to Mauricio’s family during the Holocaust?
We review Rinna’s horse running off… and how scary it was for the horse- that he should be stuck in the middle of nowhere with Rinna. They fail to show the scene of LVP slipping the horse a few Euro to take Rinna out. Oh, and Kyle’s allergic reaction- who cares.
Then we get to Erika almost being hit by the bike. MisRed’s favorite Erika moment of the season. The ONLY thing that could have made that better is if Dorit got hit by the bike, dragged 300 feet and rolled into the Spree. Despite what showed on-screen, Erika was frightened by it.
Yes, Yes, Nanny K has barely been mentioned…
Up next, Nanny K-gate, and how Kyle didn’t remember Nanny K? Kyle argues that LVP doesn’t know the name of HER grandmother, and Kyle loved her just as much as LVP loved Nanny K.
LVP is like… yeah, well I know your other family: Big Kathy, Large Marge, Twitch, That f*cking dog who almost bit off your daughter’s hand, the guy from the Fat Burger Truck who you consider family, Sex-Tape Paris, the one who married a Rothschild who apparently doesn’t have the internet, the one who assaults airline crew and hurls racial and homophobic slurs at police, the one from who Mauricio stole his business…
What happened to LVP’s face?
Kyle says her lack of recollection of Nanny K is no indication of her love for LVP or lack thereof. LVP says this “I want to be very clear with you. And this is not designed to hurt you AT ALL” (y’all know MisRed’s theory on “at all,” but let’s continue…) “most of our conversations, hand to God, 90% of them are about you. Because she has anxiety, you know, hypochondria, because of family dynamics…”
Rut Roh… LVP’s train is skidding…
Kyle says that she is a much more open person than LVP and shares more about her personal life than LVP does, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t listen to LVP when she talks.
This conversation is too stupid for MisRed to recap. Sorry, moving on.
CLEAR NANNY K.
Moving onto … ugh… American Woman. Kyle says, “American Woman” is a show inspired by her life, growing up with her Mom in the 70’s, that when she’s with her sisters, “American Woman” doesn’t usually come up.
Yeah, well, Judges in restraining order hearings don’t usually want to discuss TV shows on the Paramount Network.
Kyle goes on to say that her sisters don’t really understand what the project is about. Uh… “it’s a show inspired by Kyle’s life growing up with her Mom in the 70’s.” Have these Richards sisters had their IQs checked because it really doesn’t seem that complicated to MisRed.
BTW, if there was a tv show inspired by MisRed’s life growing up with her Mom in the 70’s it would be called “Trying to Avoid a Beating.” MisRed jokes. Thankfully, we could always outrun my mother.
Those dry tears really mess with your eyeliner.
We review Kyle “crying” over her family situation. How she isn’t invited for Christmas anymore- mainly because of Mauricio “breaking off on his own” from Kyle’s brother in law’s Real Estate company. Kyle says that her sisters initially thought that the show American Woman was based on their lives as opposed to INSPIRED by. Kyle’s sister Kathy and she are not speaking and haven’t been for approximately 6 months.
We aren’t so much as not talking as she won’t take my calls
Andy asks if Kyle thinks that will change when the show comes out, she says she hopes it will. Also, Andy surmises if Big Kathy were still alive, there wouldn’t be this division. Well, yeah. Kyle never would have stolen Kim’s house, you KNOW Big Kathy wouldn’t have let Kim see that gross guy, Ken. Kyle’s family jewelry and bags wouldn’t have been stolen because they still would have been in Big Kath’s vice-like-death-grip.
Ok, MisRed questions a few things here. A) How exactly did these Richards sisters grow up? What was happening in that house that would make Large Marge NOT speak to Kyle over a series inspired by their childhood. Look at the sh*t that goes down in Large Marge’s house… sex tapes, drug problems, bad hair extensions, arrests, but she’s worried about stories inspired by her childhood. B) Big Kath pimped out these kids from a VERY young age. It’s one thing when a child WANTS to be an actor. But Twitch started in the biz when she was 6 months old… I doubt she could articulate a desire to be an actor at that point. Hell, she can barely articulate wanting to buy a chicken these days. This makes me question Big Kath’s motives AND makes me even MORE suspicious about how these slags were raised. C) It drives MisRed BATSH*T crazy when families don’t speak. Life if full of regrets- things that happen beyond our control that create regret in life… don’t help it along by blocking out your family. Is family always perfect? No, certainly not, but when the chips are down, they may be the only ones by your side.
Kyle thanks everyone for being supportive. Even Dorit.
Andy says that Kyle has a new show called “Glass Houses” and Andy describes it as “a woman who launches her own company and challenges the dominance of the grande dame of the LA real estate world, her former employer and mother-in-law.
MisRed’s Translation: Lady Mauricio.
And Andy goes on to say the same thing, basically. Kyle says “Again, the fact that I’m creating has nothing to do with actual stories.” Bahahahahahahahaahahha. Oh Kyle.
Her next show is going to be about a woman who is being hunted by an older British Irish Lady Man because the woman doesn’t remember the Irish man’s grandmother: Nanny A. The one after that is about a group of poor people snorting Doritos dust in a closet. And this just in- a woman who married a Jewish man, has selective amnesia about the event of the Holocausts and how it impacted her family and their ability to invent the “white party concept,” Fat Burger and later steal real estate clients from “Milton and Myland.”
The original thought here is STAGGERING.
Andy asks if she’s tempting fate by potentially pissing of Large Marge with this second show? Uh, does the Pope wear a funny hat, Andy?
Kyle says she would never throw a single member of her family under the bus. It’s true. She isn’t doing it one at a time, she’s tossing them all under at once.
Dorit jumps in – you know, to bring the focus back to her, “Family means everything to Kyle. Me? I don’t even know my children’s names and when it is 10pm, I have no idea where they are. My friendship with you- it means so much to me. We have a few things to work on.” MisRed COULD be embellishing slightly.
Kyle says that she adores Dorit. WAIT, Is Kyle doing coke in Dorit’s bathroom?
Ok, moving on to Erika vs. Teddi. Let’s nutshell this:
- The editors made it seem like Erika was being an a-hole to Teddi over Teddi having a famous father and Erika not knowing her own father. Editing drama, moving on.
- Erika brings Teddi a box of something- it’s probably a severed head- and takes a downstairs room at The Beach House.
- Erika reenacts the prom scene from Carrie in her pants and flees to the Double Tree.
- Erika rebuffing Teddi’s hug.
- Teddi crying over Erika’s c*ntiness.
- Erika thinks it’s too much work to be friends with Teddi
- Teddi accuses Erika of having “Pretend Amnesia.”
- Erika is tired of being nice to Teddi.
- Erika isn’t apologizing and calls Teddi a crybaby.
- Erika apologizes.
- Erika is an asshole.
A viewer asks if Teddi was calling Erika a liar or if she just used the wrong words. Teddi says it was a flippant comment. Rinna wants to know where Teddi got the words “Pretend Amnesia.”
Webster’s pages 1,212 and 26.
Seriously, Teddi is like- I don’t know, it just came to me.
Erika wonders why Teddi would question Erika’s integrity when Dorit called Teddi a “psycho” and hammered her in interviews for 12 weeks.
I’m the victim. No, I’m the victim. No, I’m the victim.
Dorit disputes that she hammered Teddi for 12 weeks. Erika says- no, you let her have it. Dorit says “No, she let ME have it!!” The old I’m rubber, you’re glue defense- good one, Dorit. The difference is… Dorit is a dumb, self-entitled, yet completely non-self-aware bobble head who treats people like crap to make herself feel better.
Wait a minute… wait a minute… MisRed FINALLY figured out what Dorit’s dress would look good on… FIRE. It would look good on fire.
Back to Erika’s so-called integrity- Teddi was questioning Erika’s MEMORY, not her integrity- AND she is questioning it because Erika made a statement which she now denies.
It would be like if Kyle suddenly knew who Nanny K was…
But Erika is demanding to know why Teddi was questioning Erika’s integrity???
The most laughable part here is that any of these people think they have integrity. The very definition of which is honesty and having high moral character. With the exception of Teddi, none of these women are particularly “honest,” everything is seen from a skewed perspective, and they are on a reality TV show, so they definitely have some narcissistic tendencies. Erika “pats the puss” for a living- not exactly going to get her on the cover of “Integrity Monthly.”
Kyle says that in that moment, Teddi was looking for support from Erika. Erika says, “But you have to be willing to take responsibility for whatever you say.”
Yeah, hence the “pretend amnesia” comment.
Teddi is like- I DID take responsibility, I apologized on the spot. Erika says “Hey, you called me a liar, what did you think I was going to do, brush it off??”
Well, yeah, after the apologize, you either accept the apology like a regular human or you don’t like a jerk, or you SAY you accept it and then CONTINUE to rehash the topic for 20 episodes like a Housewife.
LVP says- but looking back now, don’t you think you were a bit aggressive? Erika says “No, that’s who I am.” Erika goes on to say that she was defending herself. Ok. She brought a shoulder mounted missile launcher to a water pistol fight but… carry on.
Teddi says that Erika always talks down to her- and Erika says “Well that’s how you see it. This is the problem. Your interpretation of what I say and how I say it strikes you in a very deep, personal way.” Teddi is like- nobody has even spoken to me the way you do. Erika continues “Well, that has a lot to do with you and not with me, because I feel like you harbor some like, huge resentment or something toward me, and it’s obvious, babe. You even say, I don’t know why I react to this woman this way.”
One sec. a) Way for Erika to completely DISCOUNT Teddi’s feelings. B) Way for Erika to be COMPLETELY out of touch with herself and the way she acts. C) Way for Erika to dismiss her aggressive, completely over the top, behavior and blame the “victim.”
Teddi says that people- in her world- don’t talk like that to her. Erika is like- you are a very sophisticated, well-traveled woman, and you were raised in an up-scale environment. Teddi is like- do you think sophisticated people scream and snap at people?
Erika says “I have not screamed at you. I haven’t raised my voice.”
Well, no… sometimes you can do more damage with a whisper than a scream. When MisRed and her sister would act up as kids- in public- my mother would, very quietly, come over, step on one of our feet and whisper – through gritted teeth- “If you don’t stop this right now, I will kill you in your sleep, and nobody will ever find your body.” Quiet, but effective.
Erika says that she thinks Teddi is a lot more calculating than she lets on and that she isn’t some fawn amongst sharks, although that’s how Teddi sees herself in this group. Well, MisRed should hope not- fawns don’t swim very well. Do sharks even like venison? Teddi claps back saying she is trying to get her point across- but Erika keeps talking over her- finally Erika says, “Well raise up or get the f*ck out, come one, girl.”
If ever there was a time for Teddi to have a Ninja throwing star…
Teddi says that she is TRYING to defend herself. Erika says she isn’t – that it’s Erika who is trying to defend HERSELF.
It’s 9:20 am. Is it too early for a shot of Jägermeister? Asking for a friend.
LVP jumps in and asks, why should Teddi have to rise up to Erika, who is just being aggressive toward her? AND that Erika needs to LISTEN- if someone had spoken to her (LVP) like that, she (LVP) would have been really upset too.
Erika is like “Why? She belongs here.” What the actual f*ck does that mean?
LVP and Teddi argue that Erika is being TOO aggressive. Erika says it isn’t aggressive.
Rinna jumps in and says that the previous year, she had said something that she did not remember saying—to refresh your memory, it was that Kim was not sober and was “close to death.”- and that Kyle called her out in front of a group of people and it was traumatic.
Ok, sure, being called out for gossiping or stretching the truth or outright lying- is traumatic, yes. However, you are on a reality show and you are paid for drama. Do you think for one hot second Miss Andy would have allowed Kyle to address what Rinna said IN PRIVATE?
Who in their right mind would question Twtich’s sobriety?
AND they really are not comparable situations. Rinna was spreading sh*t about Kim’s sobriety and health and Teddi was calling Erika out for her failure to recall a comment that while would have lent support to Teddi, was pretty insignificant.
Andy – trying to corral the cattle back into the pen says … Do you think Teddi was being sensitive or was Erika being aggressive? Kyle says she can see where Teddi’s feelings would be hurt.
A viewer calls Erika a diva and then asks if the real reason Erika didn’t want to stay at Teddi’s beach house was because she didn’t have her glam squad with her? She says that she didn’t have her glam squad and they weren’t at the hotel. Teddi says that her assistant was at the hotel and Erika says “That’s my assistant. That’s not my glam squad.” And Erika needs an assistant for an overnight girls’ trip why?
Teddi makes the point that yes, some people knew that Erika wasn’t feeling well, but she and Kyle didn’t. But we just saw a clip of Erika saying, in front of Kyle, that she was having a terrible period. Teddi is like- if you were embarrassed about having your period (Erika is 126 years old… and she’s still embarrassed about having her period?), then why did you talk to them (LVP and Dorit) and not to us.
Rinna is like – Who gives a sh*t that Erika left? Teddi says that it wasn’t a last-minute decision- her assistant was already at the hotel. Erika disputes it.
Ugh. This conversation.
Erika says that it’s embarrassing to talk about feminine issues on television.
My Period Makes Me SO Athletic!!!
Well f*ck just slap on some white jeans and go ride a horse just like they do in the Tampax commercials. Teddi is like- well, you told other people, but you didn’t tell me.
Then Erika accused Teddi of bullying her.
LVP jumps in and says that she really thinks there is more to it than that-she feels that because Erika as feeling vulnerable and that’s why she refused Teddi’s hug.
Victoria, a viewer, has a psychological diagnosis – PTSD. From what?
Even I’m not that out of touch with myself…
Patting Twat&Snatch Disease? See what MisRed did there??? Rinna is like- at least you didn’t get called a Schizophrenic. LVP asks Rinna for some pills.
Pass some to MisRed while you are at it.
Teddi says her point is that Erika knows exactly what she’s doing and how she treats Teddi is intentional. Erika, taking a page from Dorit’s book, “I think what you do is intentional.” Andy brings up that Teddi wrote a blog and Erika retweeted it, referring to it as “Pure Comedy.” The blog said that Erika isn’t truthful with herself. Erika says that Teddi’s blogs got progressively more attacking.
Teddi is like- ok, but when you tweet, retweet, stuff that say “Fire Teddi” yet sit here and say that I “belong” in this group…it sounds phony to Teddi.
LISA TRAMP-O-LINA . bahahahah
Oh no. Erika then INTERPRETS this to being called a liar.
Teddi says that Kyle and LVP have been doing “this” for a very long time and neither of them treated her the way that Erika and Dorit have treated her. Again, Erika just puts it back on Teddi. Then Erika says she’s rude to everybody.
It’s OBNOXIOU$$$$ to be MEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAYYYY!
Great way to go through life.
Andy asks if what Dorit said in Berlin was true- that Erika scares the sh*t out of her. Teddi says that It’s not so much being scared, but that it’s an uncertainty. She never knows what she’s going to get with Erika.
Dorit was so busy rolling her eyes at Teddi, how did she hear anything?
Dorit maintains that Teddi told Dorit those exact words, which Teddi doesn’t recall, which makes MisRed think it’s just Dorit being delusional as usual. LVP says that Erika, in that latex, scares the sh*t out of her.
Andy is like “I can’t really tell if you are taking any ownership over your behavior.” Erika says that OF COURSE she is. Andy says, “but you are saying it’s HER problem.”
We now need instant replay for the rehash of the instant replays
Erika disagrees that this is what she said.
Andy asks where Teddi goes from there? Teddi says that if she and Erika can have normal conversation then she will go off of whatever Erika gives her. Andy asks If it was as bad as Teddi expected? She says she had no expectations and that she is certainly more educated than she was before she did the show.
Yes, Teddi now has an Associate’s Degree in Deflection and Delusion.
Show me the money and I’ll show you the crazy!
Andy asks Rinna if the Old Rinna will rise from the ashes or if Yoda is here to stay. The old Rinna better come back if she wants to stay on the show- just sayin’. She took the year off trying to get a bigger payday and WE are the ones who paid with this BORING season!!
Andy says that Dorit had QUITE A SEASON. He asks her if she has any regrets. She says she does. She regrets not being even later for Teddi. She regrets no smashing that champagne glass in Teddi’s face. She regrets not calling LVP largemouth bass-faced as well as insecure. She regrets getting Erika silk panties when CLEARLY, she’s more of a polyester girl. She regrets not making some apologies and not accepting some apologies.
Andy asks LVP how she thinks she’s grown this past year? She thinks Kyle has taught her to be more open and less British.
She loves Teddi and she feels that Dorit has been LARGELY misunderstood and that the audience should give Dorit another chance.
Sprechen sie Betchy?
Andy serves champagne in beer steins but gives Dorit the choice of a champagne glass, which she accepts, of course.
Oh Andy, massive faux pas on your part. I’m the only one following proper ettiquette.
And… it’s over.
Cheers to not seeing you for another 6 months!!
Phew! That was a close one. Thank you guys for hanging in with MisRed. We’ve been white-knuckling it for weeks. Thank you for all of your awesome comments/ observations, etc.
Frankly, this is the only “Kyle” MisRed has ANY interest in looking at for the foreseeable future:
He can accuse me of pretend amnesia any time he wants…
Also a a golf clap for MisRed’s support staff: Javvy and Elvis.
Granted, they slept through every episode…
And to Sunshine who joined the staff meeting this morning for the LAST EPISODE and then PRETENDED she was all into it. We are onto her. She’s a regular Dorit, this one.
What? I’ve been here, holding up your wires the whole time…
You know where to find MisRed- over on RHONY with that crazy sh*t show!! MisRed out!
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