Hi Trashcrabs. I’m writing to you from the bottom of a bottle of Dimetapp. Because unfortunately I need to call in a sick day. I got back from Vegas this morning and fortunately while I didn’t come home with a hangover, I did bring with me a serious case of tuberculosis or whatever it is that the festering general population who fly public carries. Ugh, POOR PEOPLE PATHOGENS.
So unfortunately I’ll need to spend tonight sleeping this off so my boss doesn’t think I’m lying about, ya know, actually being hungover from a bachelorette. Which I’m not. I promise! In the meantime, let’s briefly talk about what happened on last night’s Real Meddlers of Montgomery County so we can get the discussion going. 🙂
We opened on the sUuUuPeR tense cliffhanger the previous episode left at, with Gizelle prepared to leave from Monique’s driveway, Ashley rushing in to tell Robyn that Juan is Tindering at the table, and Charrisse arriving just in time to sob and frown about how awful everything in the world is. Motor mouth Monique soon realizes she’s missing out on this action, so she storms out from her patio to demand what is going on. The scene ends predictably and anticlimactically, with Gizelle getting back in her car with Kal to go get some KFC.
Later, Ashley spends the evening publicly judging everyone’s marriage and acts like a terrible shit.
Revisiting the exciting world of real estate, this episode finally saw Monique and Chris settle on their new $4.75 million mansion as Karen learned glumly that she’d have to start listing her shitty pile of sticks for less money. And host an open house. And put a tacky sign on the lawn that says it’s for sale. Mortification, thy name is an MLS. Since Monique’s pastor’s wife is also their agent (since Real Housewives refuse to know more than 17 people at a time or hire a complete stranger), Monique was treated to some tough love and advised to apologize to Gizelle. Monique cried because she is a spoiled, grown-up brat.
Charrisse was forced to go gown shopping with Ashley – a date she set up before Monique’s barbecue that she has to follow through on because of her filming contract (and also it’s “charity season,” which Charrisse is fooling herself into thinking she’s a huge important part of). After she chews Ashley out for being a nosy idiot (which Ashley is), the two of them scream at each other in the store and say the word “semen” and “pull out” audibly enough to horrify the sales clerk. The sales clerk then looks at them and says, uh, hey prostitutes, I don’t think any of this shit will fit. You better go back to the Regent Beverly Wilshire and watch old reruns of I Love Lucy until Richard Gere forks over enough cash for a personal shopper. BAI!
Gizelle met Kal for lunch so she could rub makeup on his face and talk about what a strong independent career woman she is. Shrug. Next.
Juan put down his burner phone long enough to accompany his not wife Robyn to a radio station, where they promoted a basketball camp they’ve been hosting for the past 14 years. Educated guess: the basketball camp is located in their garage and involves a Paypal account that definitely funds more equipment for the kids and definitely not Juan and Robyn’s credit card bills.
Charrisse and Gizelle visit for a nice little ya-ya sisterhood talk about divorce before the episode’s final showdown: a friend-tervention directed at Robyn and her terrible, self-destructive relationship with Juan. Robyn sits through this altercation like stone, insisting that she doesn’t need therapy but admitting that she can’t just move away from Juan because the two of them can’t afford to live separately.
Two grown ass adults with small children cannot afford to live as single people with rental agreements. No, no. Two separate addresses is far too great a fiscal burden for these ostensibly functional parents. What the actual fuck.
Guys, Robyn Dixon is officially the most tragic Housewife I’ve ever seen. And I’ve rewatched the entire chronicles of this woman five times over:
Anyway, that’s it for now. I’m going to go jump in a pool full of Gatorade so I can be back at work tomorrow and not look like I spent all weekend doing coke. I’m a square who’s in no way cool enough to have been offered some anyway. I’ll see you in a few days when I have the full recap, but until then, sound off on these heifers below!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!