Jezebel – More Reasons Why Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is Zaddy
Due to a work crisis on Friday, I had nary the time to deliver your Rill Itchy Memorial Courtney Stodden update, nor the news that pudgy oversized bulldog puppy DJ Khaled is actually a chauvinist piece of trash who doesn’t deserve to be married or honored any other sort of way with the attention of a woman. To briefly recap: an old video resurfaced on Twitter that showed Khaled telling The Breakfast Club radio crew that he expects oral sex but refuses to reciprocate, because “he’s the king,” and “there are different rules for men.” It’s written in the Constitution! Women earn 15% less on the blowjob! Anyway, in response, we got this little gem from Dwayne Johnson:
Ahem.. *clears throat*
as a man, I take great pride in mastering ALL performances. This is probably a little TMI.. I will now quietly excuse myself from this fun thread 👀
— Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) May 6, 2018
Don’t be embarrassed. We’re all thinking about it. Why don’t you head to the bathroom and give yourself a minute or four.
Vulture – You ARE Allowed to be Embarrassed About This:
Don’t worry, Willow. It happens to the best – and most impressionable – of us. And silver lining? At least you knew your parents loved each other. Or it was just a Wednesday. Let this serve as an invitation to share your embarrassing Mom-and-Dad-sex stories in the comments.
Page Six – Looks Like Johnny Depp is Doing Just Fine, As Usual
Cousin Spike cosplayer Johnny Depp is back at his craft, which is not dropping acid in the middle of a public library but is instead filming a movie. This next one’s called LAbyrinth (because god damn if Hollywood doesn’t just love producing cinematic love letters to the city of Los Angeles), and stars Depp as the detective who investigated Biggie Smalls’ murder.
When Depp was invited to direct his own scene, he cast his own friends as a homeless person and a cop and ignored the time limit the crew had on the closed-off street on which they were filming. Nudged by producers, a location agent gently asked Depp to wrap it up, and here’s how the seasoned, professional thespian responded:
… An irate Depp — who’d been “smoking and drinking all day on set” — got in the staffer’s face. “He was 6 inches away, yelling, ‘Who are you? You have no right!’ ” sources said. When the well-liked worker told Depp, “I’m just doing my job,” a source said Depp tried to punch him in the ribs. But the weak blow didn’t make an impact, and Depp yelled, “I’ll give you $100,000 to punch me right now!” The stunned staffer stood still, and Depp was finally pulled away.
This has been your semi-regular reminder that Johnny Depp Is Doing Just Fine, As Usual.
Just Jared – Look at this Stupid Punkass Turd God I Hate Him
Every now and then the radioactive Degrassi reject known as Justin Bieber does something redeemable by quietly going away for a while. And we all live in this Elysian sort of peace where we don’t open Safari and see some story about Justin drag racing in front of the White House or hosting an EDM party for giraffes in his mansion or picking fights with World War II veterans or whatever. And it’s great! But even though Justin is not making terrible Bone Thugs knock off music or wreaking havoc on the public at large, it doesn’t mean he’ll take a break from being an out-of-touch moron. Justin Bieber: Millennial Ass Clown is a 24/7/365 job, people:
I try my damnedest to stop the process of aging from taking relentless hold of my body and attitude, but this is one person who makes it impossible for me to start a sentence without the phrase “young man…”
People – Adele is Living My 11-Year-Old Dream Life and IT’S NOT FAIR
Adele: Grammy-winning songstress, voice of the angels, newly celebrated 30-year-old. She is also the Sliding Doors version of me who grew up and got everything she wanted in life, including this dope-ass Titanic-themed birthday party where she came dressed up as Rose and, awwwwww, not fair I wanna do thaaaaaattttt! 🙁
Also, it’s kind of… scary how uncanny she is to Kate Winslet’s version, no?
Anyway, the party was perfectly bizarre and on point, with guests dressed as fellow passengers and various ice zombies, and life jacket party favors. It was met with your typical INTERNET OUTRAGE™ in defense of the 1,500-odd people who died over a century ago and are clearly a disenfranchised voice in this day and age. How dare Adele? But also, keep it up Adele. We’ll never let go.
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