Greetings, Trashmiis! We are already five shows in; can you believe it? Me either. This week Peyton endures a trial by fire with the girls while dressed as a unicorn, TRav complains about Ashley to Patricia, Craig sews and gets a life coach, Cam and her mom go baby clothes shopping, and Naomie continues her scorched earth tour. Let’s go!
We open with Chels yelling at traffic, KDenn building a chair, Thomas baying like a hound while changing Saint, and Craig in his ennui-filled house (Craig being filled with ennui and cheese was possibly my favorite comment of all comments). Craig seems to have a serious case of ADD and possibly depression. His house looks depressing from here. He calls to make an appointment with a life coach
“…. So then when my dog died, and we moved, I never had friends and.. hello?”
Poor guy- He always seems a little glum. And they play dire music as they focus in on his… CLUTTER… OH NO! Really? Shep’s house looked like a frat party aftermath, but everyone acts like Craig is some kind of disaster movie. Ok. Whatever.
Next, Cam is meeting her adorable mom Bonnie to shop for a “going home outfit”.
“I just click” (one of my all-time favorite quotes, ever)
Hijinks music ensues, as Bonnie “helps” Cam, including picking out a boy’s outfit.
All I could think was “Quacker Factory makes baby clothes?”
Cam cracks me up by saying that Bonnie makes her nervous, because Bonnie let her fall off the bed. They both laugh. We see Bonnie in her elegant “Gloria Vanderbilt” phase.
Estee Lauder sure was pretty back then
Bonnie reminds Cam that anything that has come up, Cam has been able to deal with it. What a great mom!!! Cam admits as much, that she will raise her daughter to be self-sufficient, and she hopes that Palmer looks at Cam the way Cam looks at her mom, because her mom “was THE best”
It’s dusty in here. I’m not crying, you’re crying!
That’s how MissKitty feels about MomKitty too!!
Next we go to a Beer Garden.
Or I don’t know. Maybe it’s German for “Mouth Breather”
Shocker- Austin and Shep are meeting for a little day drinking. Both half-heartedly lament being older and single. Austin and Shep can’t be more different, according to Austin. Austin gets way into someone quickly and spends months with the girl. Shep finds that “emasculating”. Um… Okay I seem to recall you Lloyd Dobler-ing up to New York to woo a girl on your dating show, there Shep, as well as whining when Austin “steals” the girls you like, so I’d can it on the emasculation talk there, needy-pants. Naomie comes in, and I swear Shep has a thing for her, because he has been flipping his shit every time he sees her.
“Garsh! You look so cool!”
Austin and Shep listen to her complain about Craig, and Austin says the only way to get over him is to “chop him out”. Naomie must be thinking about that six-months-no-sex-thing, because she was like “Oh I thought you were going to say I have to fuck him.”
“I’m fine with no sex. Heh heh. I don’t think of it all the time at ALL. Nope. No sex for me! I’m good. Are you going to finish that pickle?”
Chels comes, looking fierce as usual.
Eyebrows aside, you are gorgeous
Shep asks Austin about Peyton, and Austin admits he hasn’t seen her since their movie and dinner. Chels then spills the beans to Naomie that Craig admitted he had a little bit of a crush on her.
Either that, or he’s just arrived to Ellis Island and is opening a sundries store
Naomie takes this well. As in, not at all
She is taking deep cleansing breaths, and asks to see a picture of her. Shep has her posing prettily with one of her dogs, and it looks totally like a professional head shot. Naomie has the prototypical expression of jealous ex-girlfriends everywhere.
Sorry, but this made me LOL
Now- is this dog in the manger stuff? Yes. Sorry, girl. You discarded him. You don’t get to be territorial. Chels, like a good loyal girlfriend mentions her “really dark roots”. Hahahaha. It’s so wrong, but we’e all been there. The guys both laugh uncomfortably as Naomie complains that Craig says one thing and does another.
Craig is at a fabric store, as the sales clerk calls him “pillow man.” Hahahaha. Eh boy.
“Oh shit… I mean, Oh hi!”
Craig calls sewing his “excape” from his break up with Naomie. She shows him a new toy to do free quilting. Kathryn comes, looking about as excited as one could get over a sewing store.
“I agreed to film here?”
Kathryn interviews “fabric Craig. Gardening Craig, Kitty cat Craig” and then gurgles an affectionate, zany laugh.
Hahahaha KDenn is killing it this season
She says it should be just “fill in the blank Craig” hahaha. True. She asks whether he and Naomie still talk. He talks about getting the life coach to show Naomie he can “be like normal people”. It made me sad. Kathryn very wisely says he should focus on being himself. Agreed. Dude- trying to prove yourself to someone who isn’t that into you is an exhausting, miserable existence guaranteed to give you a life of misery. Kathryn says breaking out of her comfort zone and really breaking away from Thomas was very liberating. She very kindly interviews that Naomie is her friend, but she hates to see Craig try to get Naomie’s approval rather than his own. Craig compliments her on her therapy, and she jokes that it makes no sense that she’s counseling him.
Aw- don’t sell yourself short, girl. You’ve come a long way!
Austin next goes to Kiawah Island to see his parents and sister. I love his parents. They seem like such nice people. And his sister seems like a riot. MissKitty will focus on that, instead of…
“MissKitty. I missed my chance to scuttle up your pant leg and into your hair when you vacationed here. But I’ll be waiting for your return….”
Yes, one of MissKitty’s fondest memories of vacationing at Kiawah, besides meeting Jeff Corwin and him being kind of a dick, was the report that one of these spiders in her friend’s bedroom was “the biggest spider [she] had ever seen.” So convinced that MissKitty would start running like Forrest Gump home, MissKitty’s friend barricaded the door shut and ignored MissKitty’s repeated banging going “I want to seeeeeeee! How big is it? As big as your hand? I want to seeee!”
They sit down to eat, and it looks fucking delicious. Austin talks about his younger sister and how she was a light after his sister Kyle passed away.
Not going to lie- he was a cute-ass kid
I really do like his family. They laugh a lot and do seem like very nice people. They joke around, until they get down to brass-tacks, asking Austin about his future, aka what the hell do you do with yourself?
“We better get some sustenance; this grilling is going to be hard work”
They ask about Chelsea, and neither are particularly impressed with Austin dating her friend. As his mom shoves red meat into her mouth, she says that Chelsea is a good person, and they liked her.
“I have no problem eating this raw meat, so don’t give me any half-assed answers”
Aaaaand we find out that Austin’s dad was an ex-FBI agent. For all his joking around and kind of jolly dad-ness:
Gulp… “I did it!” Wait. What? Geez that guy is intimidating!!
Austin says he is thinking of brewing his own beer. As his sister smirks knowingly, his dad stares at him.
“Yes, I drank when I was underage, and I snuck out of the house once, and I also took some money lying on the dresser that wasn’t mine…. MissKitty tugs collar:: ::flop sweats::”
His dad asks all the pertinent questions. Does he have recipes? No. Does he have a brewer? No. His mom asks if he has it set up, does he have any meetings coming up? Not yet.
Did anyone else play the Law and Order kunk KUNK in their heads?
His mom is like “I don’t want to hear, (hand talking)”, as his Dad prepares an indictment and arrest.
Austin you better get your shit together
Craig is next, meeting with his Life Coach, Laura. He has deliberately left his house in disarray it seems, so she has a full measure of his personality.
“Hi Craig. Nice to meet you. Do you keep jars of your pee?”
They sit down, and her eyes widen when he says he’s not doing anything. Then, he apologizes and says if he’s talking too much to let him know. It’s actually sad. Laura catches it, and asks him about that. He says it’s because he can finish the sentence in his head. Laura says that he’s a “fast processor” and that’s a sign of how intelligence is measured. Craig, for the first time in a while, genuinely beams. She calls him winning, aka likable, and cute.
“I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me”
His expression is actually sweet and cute. We see a montage of Naomie and his fights, and not going to lie, it’s not very nice. If the genders were reversed, MissKitty would have blown a gasket already. Naomie. Love you girl, but you need to take it down a notch or 120. It’s kind of abusive. As we can see, it gets worse. Oh… much worse, as much as MissKitty hates to see it. Laura gives Craig homework, to start assessing himself in a self-portrait.
Next we see TRav walking and oh no….
“French-speaking” stroke face is on deck
Yes. Thomas has a chance to butcher the French language at a French bistro, meeting Whitney and Patricia for dinner. The waiter mutters, “I didn’t know he was coming” and barely hides his cringing as Thomas wishes him
“BONE SWUAH!” (note the vein already popping out on his forehead from the effort)
He “converses” more with the waiter, as Patricia talks about Whitney living in Paris, and how Thomas speaks “Pepe LePew” French. Hahahahaha.
God they hate him. hahahahaha
Thomas cracks a joke at Patricia’s huge “promise ring” and how she’ll be getting an even bigger one from her fiance.
“I must close my eyes and concentrate, so I don’t think of Mother forsaking me for another man”
Patricia asks Thomas why men aren’t marrying anymore. Thomas charmingly says “Why buy the cow? You get the milk for free!”
Ahhhh… there’s the creepy misogynist we recognize. You almost fooled us with your urbane glasses
Patricia is not amused.
“You’re a bad influence on my little 50-year-old son”
She asks Thomas about Ashley. She admits that she likes her. Thomas says she lacks subtlety. We flash back to Ashley’s embarrassing blunders. Fine with someone less old-school, but not someone who still has his foot in 1963. Patricia brings up Ashley being a hospice nurse, which MissKitty will give props to Ashley for– that is some tough work, and you have to have a lot of compassion and patience. Kudos, Ashley. Patricia breaks down TRav in spectacular fashion, asking why he of all people should be looking for perfection?
W O R D, Patricia.
Thomas asks Patricia to take Ashley under her wing a little. Whitney sneers that Ashley isn’t Southern. I think you mean well-bred, because weren’t you born in Washington, DC, you little fop? Patricia offers to take her shopping. Thomas agrees to give her his credit card, Pat jokes in that case they’ll go to New York City.
Next, Chels and Austin meet at a golf course. Austin admits that when he’s going to hang out with Chelsea, he’s ecstatic.
All I can say is, Austin, you’re a DUMBASS for letting her get away
Austin tells her about the Halloween party he’s co-hosting with Peyton. Chelsea admits it pissed her off to see him with her best friend. Austin laments that he wants to live his dad’s “perfect” “retired life”, and Chels busts his balls that he already seems to be living that life now. Bahhahaha! Good one, Chels.
Cam and Naomie meet up to get a pedicure. Naomie asks how Cam is doing and if Jason is coddling her. Cam dourly says no, saying that as an OB/GYN, he’s kind of over the whole thing. She asks about Craig, and Naomie tells her about Peyton, saying there must be a drought in California, because Peyton seems very thirsty.
Rrroaw… hiss hiss
Cam assures her that none of the guys (especially Craig, who is not a ladies’ man) are going to be walking down the aisle with “Miss California”.
UH OH…. It’s the night of the Halloween party!! Peyton is dressed like a unicorn. Austin is dressed as a Chick Magnet.
Sure, Austin, uhhhhhh…. if you say so
Their alien balloon floats away as they decorate. We see the other party-goers getting ready. Craig is a pirate, Kathryn is…
Not sure, but she looks stunning
Naomie makes people guess her costume, and Kathryn hilariously guesses Kris Jenner. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Chels is some kind of hipster
Cam isn’t coming, and Naomie tells Chels and Kathryn more about Peyton.
Hahahahaha!!! Right or wrong, your girlfriends always have your back over “that other bitch”
People start arriving at the party. Thomas seems to be sans Ashley, and immediately wants to know who Peyton is, saying he thought “it may be Kathryn or somebody else [I’m obsessed with]” Good lord he’s so into her still. Austin sees Chels and busts into a huge grin.
Hey, um… Austin? If you have this as your expression when you see a girl, MAYBE you should stop being a jackass and stay with her. Just sayin’
He tells her he’s into her wig and nose ring. Naomie and Kathryn eye roll about Peyton being a unicorn, and Naomie admits she stalked her page. She is so jealous and goes into a hilarious melt down again, growling in frustration and then mimicking shooting going Pew Pew Pew Pew.
I know it’s bad. But her raw honesty is cracking me up
Shep and Craig arrive, looking swashbuckling.
Craig looks adorbs
Craig goes over to hug Peyton and thank her for having them.
If eyes could shoot lasers….
Then JD further endears him to our Charleston girls as the producers hilariously play a few bars of Hail to the Chief.
Way to dispel any notions that you’re a gross womanizing conman, there, JD
Thomas and Kathryn say hi to each other, and he notices she’s cold. He offers her his jacket.
Yeah… he’s SO over her….. NOT
He says Ashley said they should invite Kathryn trick or treating. Kathryn says it’s “too soon”. MissKitty WANTS to believe that it was a nice impulse on Ashley’s part, but she can’t quite make the leap. JD comes over to yell about how great they’re getting along.
I can’t with that hair
Shep comes over to say hi to Peyton and compliments her outfit. He says he loves the candy and unicorns. Then Naomie comes over all sugary sweet to Craig, and they hug. Craig tells her she looks pretty.
Aww. He’s so nice. He really is a nice person
Craig is confused, and says “nice Naomie” is here. His roommate agrees that it was “super flirty” and Craig concludes that she’s nuts.
Naomie goes over to say hi to Austin next, and Austin introduces her to Peyton.
Naomie asks Peyton point-blank what she’s doing here. Austin wisely steps away. Peyton says she fell in love with Charleston and wanted to move back South. Naomie asks if it’s because Charleston is such a hub for dog boutiques. HAHAHAHAHA DAMN, GIRL! Noamie is on FIRE!
Peyton came unprepared for shit-storm Naomie
Noamie goes OFF saying Peyton tried for Shep, then Austin then Craig. Peyton is completely baffled and tells Naomie she doesn’t “know shit”
“I’VE NEVER BEEN WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS!” Oh, sorry. Wrong show.
I have to say, this isn’t as hilarious as watching Jenn with her beeple bopple headband or the OC ladies in 80s costumes screeching at each other at Bunco, but it’s close.
Peyton argues that she met Craig for 15 minutes and doesn’t even know him, correctly guessing that Naomie’s issue is about Craig. Naomie denies it, and then whips out that Peyton is a thirsty fucking bitch.
GODDAMN, GIRL! EASE UP ON THE SHADE! THE ECLIPSE WAS LAST YEAR. HOLY FUCK
She concludes that she’s better than Peyton as the rest of the cast watches and allegorically eats popcorn. Naomie tells her she’s thirsty again and walks off. Peyton, humiliated, walks out. Austin follows her out and Peyton is crying. It doesn’t smack me as completely genuine, like maybe this was scripted, but okay. She’s upset. Austin comforts her. He wonders if he had things backwards, and wonders if Naomie was the difficult one and Craig the saint for putting up with her. Austin comes over and gives Naomie the business.
Maybe you went a bit too far, girl…
Craig interviews that this a rare glimpse of “mean Naomie in the wild” which made me LOL. Craig thinks he is somewhat vindicated. Can’t say I disagree. He hilariously goes on to say that she usually stays behind closed doors where she “feeds on Craig’s soul”
“Let us pray….”
Craig argues with her that he saw Peyton as “a possible one night stand” (Daaaag poor Peyton is really getting shafted this episode hahaha…)
“Welcome to Southern Charm, bitch”
Wow. Wow. So, what did you all think? Did Naomie go off the rails, or is she rightly calling out Peyton? Is Craig justified in feeling a little smug? What will happen next? Leave me your comments!
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