Hey Trashies! Here we are at the end of season 6, and what a season it’s been. Previously on VPR, Jax boinked Faith while trashing KFC in front of an old lady, Schwa blacked out and kissed randos, TomTom got off the ground sorta, Schænə and Stassi were fools for love, Lala unified the Vanderpussies, and Ariana had a fake vag crisis caused by her imaginary ex-boyfriend from Qatar. Either that, or it was that dumb cocktail book. One thing’s for sure, it couldn’t have been something else entirely, not to ‘toot’ our own ‘horn’ or anything.
Okay! Let’s get started, then…
As we open, Sandy shaves his forehead in preparation for the TomTom progress party, while Ariana nags him out of the bathroom, making a big show of being marginalized in the mirror-time department.
Sandy protects his lady from the hot flat iron, then goes down a list of items he has to grab for the party. Wesley and Adam plan to arrive early to help set up and bartend. He interviews that he’s been spending the last ten years creating drinks, and tonight, people are going to get a little taste of what’s to come.
Sandy says, “I’m stressed.” Ariana replies, “Dude, I would be stressed, too.” That is, if she actually were doing anything with her life other than waiting for Tom to help her with her dumb cocktail book.
Meanwhile, over at Katie and Schwa’s, Schwa brushes his teeth with activated charcoal (for no particular reason), then gets dressed with the help of Gordo and Butter, who rate his outfit choices from the bed.
Schwa says he’s ready to grow up now, after a series of flashbacks featuring Lisa calling him a big, bloody wussy pussy. He asks Katie if he looks like someone she would marry, and she says, “I would try to f*ck you, now go put some shoes on.”
“Woo, Bubbie!” grins Schwa.
Now we’re back to Sandy, who’s telling Ariana he and Schwa have decided to write Ken and Lisa another check, this time for $25K, because frankly, they don’t feel like sweating anymore.
Meanwhile, Jax is getting ready. He says he tried texting Brit-Brit a thousand times, and hasn’t heard back, the bitch.
KFC tells Stassi Jax has been texting her up the wazoo, but she plans to just ignore him, and be really hot and flirt with Adam. Stassi interviews, “It’s about f*cking time! Yeah, so happy that Brittany’s finally moving on!” KFC slathers her face with makeup.
Then she bitches that Jax plans to stay in the building. Stassi says she always dreamed of murdering Jax. Then she tells KFC she’s hot, hot, hot, and also, she looks so skinny, and is Stassi’s dream girl.
Over at Villa Rosa, Lisa’s applying her face when Ken enters, and plops back like bloody Cleopatra on her chaise with Giggy. Lisa asks isn’t he getting ready, and he says he’s getting Giggy ready first.
Lisa really hopes Jax doesn’t show up to this thing, adding, “And if he’s been fired from his relationship, maybe he should be fired from his job.” They discuss the relative merits of firing versus suspending Jax. Lisa says she hasn’t made her mind up yet, but Jax’s days at SUR may be over — at least for now. Also, this event is supposed to be young and exciting, not old and bald, so Ken is really pissing her off with this Giggy business.
On a lighter note, Ken wants help dressing Giggy, but Lisa’s not having it. “You’re supposed to be on my side,” she says. Ken says, “We’re both on your side,” then he and Giggy make out.
It’s time for the progress party!
The Toms arrive and set up the linens and the machine. Sandy waxes poetic about his mind’s-eye vision, and what he sees when he looks at this unfinished construction site, which is his fricking awesome future, involving his friends getting drunk and stuff.
Adam and Wesley arrive to help set up the bar. The guests file in and congratulate the Toms, as smoking drinks are handed around. Stassi can’t believe two of her best friends are opening up a bar. KFC flirts with Adam that she’s paying him a twenty, and he flirts back that she’ll be happy with what that buys her.
Katie interviews that this could be the first step towards having the Lisa Vanderpump life, with a moat and swans, and a black Bentley with KMS stitched into the seats. A small step, but if Schwa keeps his minty-fresh mouth off Lala’s friends, the sky’s the limit. Ariana says they need, like, lifeguard chair-sized thrones to sit in, because, you know, The Royals. She and Katie toast to the WAGs.
KFC is smack-talking Jax to Schænə and Kristen. Apparently, he told her he wants to move into another unit in her building. She thought he was going to Florida, and if he’s going to stay in the same building, she’s moving out. Just then, in walks Jax. Lala tells KFC she looks amazing, like she’s ready to run sh*t.
Lisa and Ken arrive, and Tom shows off his new machine, the only one of its kind in the US.
Sandy discovered this machine at the Bar Nightclub Convention in Vegas. It freezes shots — eight, to be precise — and is sure to draw throngs of revelers to the establishment with its unique one-of-a-kind-ness. Lisa tries one, and complains it’s too strong, but once the alcohol hits her bloodstream, she calls it pure genius. Also, it’s quite a good-looking machine, now that she gives it a good once-over.
At this point, Tom introduces the new TomTom uniforms, modeled by Wesley and Adam (and two other very handsome fellows behind them), featuring lightweight, short-sleeved shirts that don’t need ironing, with tie and vest, and a TT pin, instead of a silkscreen-print logo. Lisa loves them, too!
Jax approaches a startled Lisa. “You look startled,” he says. Lisa replies, “Well, I’m surprised you’re here.” Jax says cheekily, “I can leave, if you want.”
Lisa replies, “Did I say that? But I will be talking to you later,” Jax asks if they can go outside, and Lisa says no, but she’ll talk to him later. He messes with her some more, until she’s quite had enough.
Now Schænə finds a pink hardhat, and tells Rob she’s only going to wear that tonight. Rob completely ignores her, so she repeats herself, forcing Rob to stare intently at his drink and ask Sandy what’s in it.
Rob doesn’t seem to want to even look at Scehana by now, so she walks off to take selfies and get compliments from the girls. Now James comes up to give Jax his condolences, and shares the delectable tidbit that he heard from Lala, that KFC picked up some guy at the In-N-Out Burger. He interviews, “You know what, mate, serves you f*cking right. Maybe find a chick your own age and, like, move away.”
Jax tells Rob Schænə puts him on a pedestal, which is just what she did to Shay. Rob says yes, Schænə’s definitely more expressive about him than vice versa, and he has to be man enough to say he’s not comfortable with that, and maybe pump the brakes a little bit. How about being man enough to end the relationship and stop talking sh*t behind Scheeaænnnannnaaaaaaæ’s back? Just a thought.
Lisa praises Lala for her performance. She’s glad she helped Lala be brave and not run away like a scared little mouse. “I’ve created a monster!” she cries. Lalz replies, “You created a badass,” to which Lisa says, “You were always a badass.” Lalz says now that Lisa f*cking Vanderpump has told her she’s talented, she can die a happy bitch.
The Toms write Lisa a check for another $25K, and they’re in! Until the next time they write a check! Now Ariana presents Tom with a chilled bottle of Dom Perignon and a saber. Tom slices the bottle open, which James finds sexy AF, then Lisa makes a toast. She says that so many of them she’s watched grow up, and some of them not at all. And she’s happy and proud to call the Toms her junior partners. They’re moving forward, and she salutes that.
“Let’s go to Pump!” shouts someone who needs to pee, and off they go.
Over at Pump, Katie and Stassi talk about how TomTom is going to be their new go-to hangout, like the Peach Pit from 90210, only instead of a bunch of people in their twenties playing high school students, it’ll be a bunch of people in their thirties throwing drinks.
Patrick has arrived. Stassi’s just glad he’s here, because now she can prove he’s actually a real person, not just a figment of her imagination. Jax tells Sandy he’s never seen Patrick in real life before.
Meanwhile, KFC is saying she’s never texted a guy and have them be as respectful as ol’ ‘Honorable Adam’. This scene features some funky editing where Adam is smiling when we don’t see the ladies talking, but totally zoned out and bored when we can actually see them speak. “I have a million douchebag friends, if you just wanna get laid,” slurs Schænə, while Adam sits there looking bored. Seconds later, he’s grinning and laughing, then they pan out, and all of a sudden he’s bored again.
Meanwhile, James approaches Lisa for a chat. Ken hands him an envelope full of cash for See You Next Tuesday, and — no way — Lisa gives him his job back at SUR! James thanks them, grabs a bottle of rosé and runs off to brag to his mates, “That’s James Kennedy one, Jax Taylor zero.”
Adam very naturally explains to Zack that he doesn’t have to explain himself regarding KFC. She’s beautiful, as he told her, and just, um, a good person. Jax tells Schænə he sees what she’s doing, trying to set up Adam with Brit. Schænə says it’s on Brit-Brit whom she wants to text or DM between In-N-Out burgers.
Now Stassi wants to introduce Patrick to Lisa. Patrick just sits there in his baggy mini-trench coat that hides his physique, saying (and I quote), “I can’t wait to meet her, sophistication.” Carter reassures him that Lisa is really sweet. Mercifully, Stassi refrains from asking Patrick to define ‘sophistication’, but interviews that Lisa’s a tough-ass motherf*cker, and her stomach is churning, because Lisa’s really hard on all their significant others.
Stassi goes up and introduces them. Lisa says they met before at Sirius XM, four years prior. She explains that she was in New York doing some radio shows, and someone told her one of the radio hosts was dating Stassi, so she just went politely by and waved through the window. Lisa says, “I wanted to see if he was worth it.”
“Well, I liked watching you walk away, to be honest,” says Patrick.
“Alrighty, okay, well thank you for your few awfully kind words,” says Lisa. “So you’re here.” Stassi says four years later, and Lisa responds, “Yeah, we’ve been waiting an awfully long time. Why tonight?”
“Why not?” asks Patrick.
Lisa says that’s what she’s been saying for a long time, then asks if they’re good. Patrick says they’re perfect, and, “Aren’t all couples? Aren’t you, with your husband? Aren’t you? Everybody’s perfect.” Lisa interviews that she’s not so impressed, then Stassi jumps in and says, “I’m just going to explain Patrick right now, as he speaks. This is why I’m so in love with him, it’s because we are both so incredibly dry and sarcastic.”
Lisa stares at Stassi and asks, “Are you sober?” Patrick says, “That’s kinda condescending.” Stassi stammers, “Sober, wht do you me… wht…”
“You’re not yourself right now,” says Lisa.
“I’ve never seen you at a loss for words,” says Lisa. Patrick says, “Alright, I think we’ve exhausted this,” and walks off. Stassi stammers that she’s going to go protect her poor widdle boyfriend now.
Meanwhile, Jax is telling James that if you love somebody, you set them free, because he’s Sting all of a sudden now.
Across the room, Tom and Ariana sit down for a little makeout sesh, with Schwartz and Lisa watching from the bar. “They’re overcompensating,” says Schwa. Lisa observes, “There’s a lot of excessive PDA, here.” Tom says, “We’re in the corner, we’re in the corner.” Ariana says, “We’re not on the clock, it’s okay.” Then she starts licking his tongue, like they’re dogs or something.
Ariana interviews that she and Tom have been through a lot this summer, and she just loves that they came through it on the other side, and now their future’s looking very bright. At least she thinks it’s their future, it could just be the sun blasting through the blinds when Tom finally stumbles home.
KFC sits down to talk to Jax. She says, “You’ve just put me through hell, and for me to move on, I don’t need to see you.” Jax says, “You’re right, I’m wrong, I’m wrong,” while grimacing comically.
KFC says, “You are,” and starts listing all the ways that he was wrong. Jax keeps repeating, “You’re right, you’re right, you’re right.” Then she says he’s so self-focused, after everything she’s done for him. Jax repeats, “I haven’t done anything for you? I haven’t done anything for you?” over and over. KFC says, “Stop acting like you’re taking care of me, you’re not.” Jax says, “Okay, okay, okay.”
KFC interviews, “He’s a liar, he’s a cheater, and he’s not going to manipulate me anymore. I pay half the rent, and half the bills, and I mean, I have put up with so much shit.” She says she deserves so much better. Jax says he knows, and he’s been telling everybody that, over and over.
Then she says she bets he’s so happy to be the dumper, and he interviews he didn’t do it to get the jump on her, he did it because he wasn’t happy, and he was trying to do the right thing. As he gets up to leave, she says, “You’re not moving down the hall. Jax says, “Yes I am, you’re not going to make me. Jesus Christ Himself couldn’t make me.”
“What kind of delusional person does that to somebody?” asks Brit. Jax says he’s had enough, and takes off.
Katie asks Lisa if she just met Patrick. Lisa says, “Yes briefly, and it was kind of awkward, really. Stassi seemed quite not on her game, you know what I mean?” Lisa interviews that Stassi is a very bright individual, but it seems that all the men she dates put her down. And she doesn’t want that for any woman, not even Stassi. Katie thinks Stassi’s in a protective mode. Lisa says she has no interest in making Patrick uncomfortable, but it was strange and awkward.
“Can we just leave?” asks Patrick. Stassi says, “Um. I mean… I don’t want to leave sad, but…” Just then, Lisa jumps out of the shadows. “Okay, you guys, I think we got off to the wrong start,” she says, explaining that she was playing with Patrick because of how he opened the conversation, and that she’s fine with Patrick admiring her backside, or saying he wanted her to leave, or whatever he meant.
“Oh no, I was definitely saying your ass,” says Patrick.
Lisa turns to Stassi and says, “All I want for you is for you to find someone that loves you and treats you right. And you know that.” Patrick says, “Why would you talk to her that way when I’m sitting right here?” Wait, didn’t he just admire Lisa’s ass right in front of Stassi? Not sophistication. Lisa explains that Stassi just has a dismal history of relationships with men, and if they love each other, that’s good enough for her.
“Yeah, I think we’re all good, then,” says Patrick, and adds, “I still think you have a good ass.”
“Well, it’s dropping, but thank you,” jokes Lisa.
“Girl, when I saw it, it was up,” says Patrick. Lisa interviews, “What is your problem? I’m old enough to be his mother, and it’s in front of his girlfriend that also used to work for me. The only ass that we’re talking about right now is the one that’s sitting right in front of me.”
“I still like to see you leave, girl,” Patrick says. Lisa cracks that he’s going to be disappointed, then gets up and leaves. Patrick makes a big show of checking out her ass right in front of Stassi. Stassi says, “I am so sorry,” which Patrick thinks is the funniest thing. Then she pleads with him not to break up with her tonight. She interviews that Patrick blocks her on his phone and on all social media, and she loves him so much that losing him would be like losing one of her own limbs. She thinks it says something about how she’s wired, and maybe she’s just cray.
Wow, this is even more pathetic than Schænə and Rob.
Stassi says she’s so sorry she brought poor Patrick into this hostile environment, where Lisa forced him to sexually harass her. Kristen hugs Patrick and says, “But he came for you, and that makes me so happy. and so grateful,” which Patrick also finds super funny, although he’s still too bashful to remove the mini-trench and show off those taut, bulging pecs.
Patrick has gotten in so many awesome sexist jollies tonight, he figures he’ll wait a couple weeks and break up with Stassi on their four-year anniversary.
Lisa, Ken and the Toms share a toast, then Schwa interviews that his balls are dropping now, and you’ll be happy to know they’re plump and full of testosterone. James asks KFC if she’s okay, then says, “You look like a boss-ass bitch,” in his hilarious American accent, and complements her expressive eyebrows, which really let Jax have it.
At this point, Lisa approaches Jax for that talk. Jax says he knows he’s ruined everybody’s life, and starts crying. Lisa starts crying, too, then interviews that he’s a player, and she has to be careful, because he might be playing her. She dabs her freaking eyeballs with a napkin, and composes herself.
Once she’s done blotting her corneas, Lisa says she’s not going to fire him, because she’s not going to give him the satisfaction of going around playing the victim. She asks, “Why don’t you just do the decent thing, instead?
“Tell me what it is, please, somebody tell me what it is.” moans Jax.
Lisa snaps, “Why don’t you hand me your fucking resignation, do what you should have done a long time ago.” Taken aback, Jax wipes his tears, and says, “Okay, I’ll stop working for you.” Lisa sighs, “There’s nothing more to be said.”
She interviews that she looks at all of them, and most of them are growing up, at least in her imagination, but Jax is making the same mistakes he was making 6 years ago. “For God’s sake, if you’re not going to grow up,” she says, “then I’ll do it for you.”
It’s time to wrap this baby up. Jax tells the Toms he’s taking off, he just doesn’t think it’s right for him to stay. Raquel is so proud of James! He tells her she’s got one more year of school, then he wants to be with her forever. Lala toasts Brit-Brit, “Here’s to chicks knowing what the f*ck they want.” Brit shouts, “Yes!”
“We might be looking for a new bartender for SUR,” says Lisa to James, and we cut to Adam.
Meanwhile, Jax fires up his Tinder and hits the road.
Thanks for ‘hanging out’ with me this season, y’all, it’s been a blast. <3
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