My eyes have finally healed from seeing the “Twat on a Hot Tin Car” picture of Debbie that itchy posted in the comments last episode, so let’s get started.
After tribal, Sarah volunteers that she’s the one who flipped. Sierra meekly asks why they chose Debbie, and Zeke says that it’s because she was the one in charge.
We all know who’s The Head Bitch on the Beach … but only when she wants to be.
Cirie says no one can ever let his or her guard down, even immediately after tribal.
But feel free to let your alliance down.
Day 27 Reward Challenge. Sigh. Survivor challenges annoy me. It’s either everything and the kitchen sink, or one deceptively simple task. I prefer the simple ones. This is not one of those. It’s a schoolyard pick again, and with an even number of people, Michaela’s going to get a shot at reward this time. No coconut memes … yet.
One person from each team has to go through an obstacle course (natch), climb on a window washer’s bench/swing, and get hoisted in the air by the other four members to collect
10 bags of lettered tiles,
in numerical order, from three levels of a wooden frame. Then the next person goes through the obstacle course, gets on the bench swing and has to collect bags 11-20. When they get thirty bags, they get to solve this puzzle. Simple.
Even Vanna White is like, “This is unfair”.
The team that solves the word puzzle first wins a ride in a “chopper” (Probst, you dimpled demon, now I can’t get Arnie’s stupid movie line out of my head), which some people seem very excited about.
GET TO THE CHOPPER!
Did the producers warn them that rewards were going to be small this season or something? Then Probst tells them the real prize: they get to eat a feast and STAY OVERNIGHT IN REAL BEDS at a resort. That’s worth this reaction.
Shake it like a salt shaker, Zeke.
Blue is Andrea, Sarah, Zeke, and Aubry with Brad taking first shot at the obstacle course. Orange is Cirie, Sierra, Tai, Troy and Michaela, who’s up first for their team. The teams remain pretty even throughout the challenge, until the end of the bag collection, when Tai is gassed. He can’t pull the bench swing as hard as his other team members and gets yelled at by Michaela. Both teams end up taking the lettered tiles out of the bags onto the puzzle table at about the same time, though. It never mattered. The puzzle takes them so damn long to solve because there are no clues. They come up with words like “longevity” and “nutritional” because they know the first word is 11 letters. That really narrows it down. The puzzle solving portion eventually devolves into this:
Does “The producers were hoping the obstacle course would cause a season-ending injury” have 30 letters in it?
It takes the winning Blue team over fifty minutes to solve the puzzle! I never would have solved it. Andrea seems to pull “Reinventing” out of the air and Zeke comes up with the rest of the phrase. They’re thrilled. Cirie’s sad, of course.
She must be really well-hydrated to cry this much.
Brad’s excited about the reward, but even more excited about his fellow Blue team members because he’s with who needs to be with strategically to change the game. Huh. He could say that about any team of players, but let’s give him the benefit of the mental doubt.
Why not? Monica did.
Sarah’s super excited to fly in a helicopter for the first time evah.
Debbie’s not here to tell me all about helicopters!
And then we get the requisite shot of a servile native of the season, who’s grinning for all he’s worth.
I roofied these drinks. It’s going to be a wicked exciting sleepover!
Brad and Zeke start bonding over memories of SEC college championships (or something). Zeke claims he was there for the 2007 Miami-Oklahoma football game. Come on “dudes”, you’re not fooling anyone.
You’re wearing flowers in your hair and you’re eating brunch in Fiji. When is it time to discuss throw pillows?
Aubry Face isn’t buying that either one of them like each other … or football.
Who was the OK quarterback, Football Lovers? Huh? Good thing “Sam Bradford” wasn’t the eleven-letter word in the puzzle answer!
Brad keeps up the chat (I wonder if he offered Zeke an autographed football), while Andrea purses her lips in her best Wendy Williams Hunter impersonation.
BTW, watching them eat cheesecake is disgusting. It’s all lip smacking and fork biting and tongue cameos. Good thing Debbie’s gone or I might have urked watching her do it.
Early the next morning, Team Orange Loser is complaining about how hungry and tired they are. Troyzan and Tai commiserate about being the minority and Troy mentions the possibility of a hidden idol. Tai wisely keeps his mouth shut. His interview about the idols is nonsensical, but when he’s talking to other people, he’s smart enough to keep his two little friends to himself. Blue returns triumphantly from their resort stay and hydration has markedly improved Brad’s appearance.
Or was it the cheesecake?
Everyone comments on how different Brad looks after just one night and a few thousand calories away. Aubry, with her just-washed hair in perfect ringlets, interviews that the reward was fantastic, but she’s worried that best buds Brad and Zeke may start a secret alliance. Her M.C. Escher wrap skirt is everything.
Color coordinated and a necklace accessory? Did you stop by the Marshall’s Lounge on the way back to the beach?
Cirie and Andrea whisper in The Hammock of Power about blindsiding Zeke for this vote instead of just voting out Sierra. Cirie warns that Zeke’s the smartest person out there, and I chuckle.
Look at my smart person glasses!
Cirie tells Andrea she’ll discuss the touchy Zeke vote with “Officer Sarah” (Do we need that nickname, Cirie? It’s not like there’s another Sarah on the beach). The convo doesn’t go well. Sarah says she’s not worried about Zeke, and already has a plan to take out Zeke later “with backup”. Okay, okay, if she’s going to continually use police officer cliches, then maybe I’d snarkily refer to her as Officer Sarah myself. Sarah tells Cirie that the “backup” is her secret advantage – stealing a vote at tribal – and she plans to use that later on if she has to get Zeke out. She tells Cirie Zeke’s only going to make it to six. She interviews that, once again, she’s in the middle, and will decide which side to vote with at the last minute, and her vote will be whichever alliance gets her further in the game. Well, that …. makes sense.
Morning of Day 29. Zeke is excited to FINALLY start playing his game. It’s all about the running around and the scheming and the plotting and the voting people out. ‘Cause that worked so well with voting Andrea out.
At the well, Zeke and Sarah are talking about who’s next to go. Sarah says it should be Sierra, then Andrea, then Tai. Zeke agrees, because Officer Sarah is the boss. Zeke brings up his Final Five, which is him, Sarah, Brad, Troy and Michaela.
Sure, yeah, whatever.
Zeke and Sarah trust each other (sure). But Zeke interviews he doesn’t trust Andrea nor Aubry. And then we see this:
The Members Only jacket was Zeke’s all along? My opinion of Sarah is shifting upward!
It’s like some weird B roll from a Magnum P.I. episode. Zeke realizes, after bonding with Brad on the reward, that he needs to hook himself to Troy and Brad. So he meets with them on the beach and tells them he wants to ally with them. He can’t tell them who his alliance is voting for but he assures them it’s neither Brad nor Troy, and then perhaps at the following vote, Zeke says, the three men can do something “interesting”. I’m not holding my breath on the interesting part. Brad pats himself on the back in his interview about how’s he’s worked hard to move up from the bottom and that he’s here to win this game, even if that means voting out Sierra or Tai.
And Zeke’s not here to talk about being transgender, and Debbie can fly alien aircraft, and Sarah’s going to use the million to help people with expired vehicle registrations.
Immunity Challenge! Probst has to take the necklace back from Troy, who wants to make out this time, which Probst politely declines.
The challenge is relatively simple.
The castaways have to line up blocks like dominoes on a narrow beam attached to a touchy frame they have to high step through each time they place a block on the beam. If they accidentally trip through the frame, the blocks will fall and they’ll have to start over. The point is to set the blocks up and then knock them over in a line so the last one falls off and hits a tin plate.
Probst starts up his running commentary focusing on spacing between the blocks and the size of his manhood.
It’s yuuuuge, people.
Most of the girls are in a tight lead (even Cirie!). Brad dumps his line of blocks first, when he’s about halfway through. It’s disappointing, especially for someone who used to high step through tires for a living. Michaela, Andrea and Sarah trade off the lead for awhile, but Andrea pulls ahead … until she runs out of blocks. I guess that spacing thing was pretty important since they had a finite number of blocks to use. Andrea has to reconfigure her blocks from the tin plate end and space them further apart before Sarah, Michaela and Sierra catch up. She does come up with the win; Andrea gets her second individual immunity. As they walk back to camp, Sierra interviews that she’s terrified.
Why? It’s not like Probst is sending Officer Tony in to spy from the bushes again.
Flush with victory, Andrea wants to vote off Zeke before he can vote her off. She lassoes in Cirie, who’s all for it. They’re talking at the well about getting Sarah on board. Sierra
gets sent there by the producers shows up all by her lonesome and they ask if she’s willing to side with them since they can’t count on Officer Sarah, who’s loyal to Zeke. Sierra just wants to save her own skin, so she’ll vote for anyone except herself. She even promises to draw a predetermined secret symbol on her vote paper so they know she voted with them when Probst counts the votes at Tribal. That’s interesting … I never thought of that. I wish we got to hear more about conversations and game nuances like that one without having to read fan forums and inside scoop publications.
I’ll write an “S”, an “I”, an “E”, two “R’s”, and an “A” under my vote if you just save my bacon.
Glad that she and Brad are so willing to knife each other in the back when the chips are down. Guess you really can’t count on tall white people. Then Sarah comes to the well after Sierra walks away making noises like – no shit – a police siren.
Did I mention I am an officer of the law?
Sarah gives Andrea a high-five and backhandedly compliments her on the win. Andrea’s a little nervous, but Cirie is worse.
The crazier the bitches are, the wider the smile.
Sarah says she’ll vote for Zeke but she interviews that she’s not sure if she really will. Andrea gets Michaela and Aubry on board. Michaela says she’ll vote for him, but interviews that she doesn’t want to get rid of Zeke. She feels some loyalty to him because they played together before. She points out that they’re voting out someone in their alliance of 6 vs. the bottom 4, and if they get rid of him, it’s so easy for one of the remaining 5 to flip and change the direction of the game once again. Michaela and Sarah chat about this problem but don’t come to a decision.
TRIBAL COUNCIL! Hali, Ozzy and Debbie come in to watch the fun. Debbie doesn’t look much better than she did pre-Ponderosa, but what did I expect? Sarah opens tribal by telling the jury that she’s the one who flipped and she told everyone back at camp that same night. Debbie’s still not happy with Sarah, but jury members can’t speak, so Debbie “flips” too …
I didn’t realize this was a rude hand gesture. I thought it was a nip slip. I was grateful for the blur.
Probst asks about the power shift. He wisely goes to Brad first, who decides to stay away from sports metaphors. Then Probst asks Tai about it, which is pointless. I think Tai speaks English better than he understands it. His words never make sense to me in context. Probst talks to Sierra, then Zeke and then realizes he’s losing us, so he goes to Andrea with the standard, “Isn’t this the best season of Survivor EVER because ____?” She happily takes the baton and runs with it. Michaela and Zeke imply that they’re going with the simple vote (Sierra). Then it starts to run off the rails again, so Probst again goes back to Andrea to ask her if keeping some trusted relationship CAN get you to the end. Again, Andrea runs with it. She’s the Erin Andrews of Survivor (minus the peephole peep show). Maybe she’ll get to be co-host for 35. Andrea deftly gets a dig in at Zeke, saying, “If you’re just going to treat people like human chess pieces, you’re not going to get to the end.” LET’S VOTE!
It’s Zeke! (Brad, Sierra and Troy voted for Tai, Tai and Zeke voted for Sierra, and Aubry, Cirie, Michaela, Sarah and Andrea voted for Zeke). And Michaela cried about it as Zeke left … WTF?
I thought she only cried when people ask if she has a degree in creative writing.
As the castaways leave Tribal, Hali turns to Debbie and whispers, “Game changers”. Debbie whispers back, “Idiots”. She should know.