Last week, Dorinda, in her Coca-Cola fueled rage against Sonja, managed to look crazier than Ramona. Luann showed off her downsized home in the Hamptons. Bethenny refused to play with others and Tinsley hurt Sonja’s feelings by giving her a candle for all the wrong reasons.
Apparently Carole drives. She’s in a Cookie Monster fur driving her mom to Pennsylvania to campaign for Hillary. Her mom had her at 18 so they’re more like bickering sisters than bickering mother and daughter. Carole says she hasn’t driven in a while and she’s yawning so naturally her mother assumes they’re going to die on this trip. It doesn’t help that Carole starts pontificating about how to survive a disaster in the tunnel that they’re driving through. Her mom isn’t happy about that thought. She didn’t live through disco, thirtysomething and “Who shot Mr. Burns?” to die in a sensible SUV.
Carole presses random buttons on the car and her mother but they manage to get to Pennsylvania safely. As Carole brags about her parallel parking skills, she nearly hits a woman who’s walking behind them. She says that there’s always a woman who doesn’t know where she’s going. First, she almost ran over one of her own campaign buddies. Second, that’s a little Trumpish of her and third, irony – thy name is Princess Carole. She and her mom continue to bicker about who’s more of a leader as they walk the streets of Pennsylvania. It’s a truly empowering moment in women’s history.
Ramona is going to get her face lasered. She normally wouldn’t do this but she trusts this doctor to not turn her face into an 8th grade, 1987 photo shoot. I wouldn’t trust these women to laser cut a key. There’s a creepy brunette that appears out of nowhere to monitor the ritual. They drug her up until Ramona says that sees a woman 15 years younger in the mirror. She’s being numbed up and it looks horrible. There’s needles everywhere and the lasering itself looks even worse. At the end, the doctor says she’s going to take off some of the char. That’s definitely not a word I want associated with my skin.
Who’s doing soft porn now?
Carole and her mom go to lunch after visiting 40 houses. Carole says people think she’s political because of her Kennedy marriage. We don’t think that. We think that she likes when we think she’s political because she mentions the Kennedys. She shares that her mom protested the protestors that didn’t want subsidized housing in their neighborhood years ago. This explains Carole setting up her own subsidized housing for Adam. Carole shares with her mom that she’s shacking up with Adam, who Helen’s never met, but it’s only temporary. She says that she likes him being there though because he’s such a good zookeeper. What happens when a vegan, man-like creature, has three babies named Baby? Someone call Tom Selleck. It’s the Three Men and a Baby spinoff that no one knew we needed.
Sonja and Rocco, of big napkin dinner fame, meet for dinner. She says he’s ‘been in her circle for a very long time’ but now she gets dinner first. She likes Frenchie, her Australian boyfriend, but Rocco wants to settle down. She’s not even having sex with him because he’s the marrying type. She’s not spreading until he’s wedding. He asks about her houseguest of the week and she says that Tinsley didn’t even give her a birthday card. He says it isn’t right and they both have big hearts. Sonja is hoping he literally has an enlarged heart, a fondness for drive thru chapels and functional sperm.
Luann and Dorinda meet for shopping. Luann’s purchased Tom a Rolex and wants to get a tie too cuz asphyxiation is all the rage. Dorinda discusses Ramona’s surprise party and congratulates herself for making a clever invitation that disguises the party as a meet and greet for a European friend. Those are the kind of invitations I never respond to; it sounds like the beginning of a timeshare seminar. Dorinda says that the ties Luann has picked out look familiar – she’s seen them in Tom’s bedroom closet. Insert Luann’s fake haughty laugh. I’m not sure Dorinda should even be invited to the wedding. It seems like she’s actually annoyed that Tom never sniffed her whiskey barrel.
Carole is at the election party awaiting her guests. She’s nervous but excited to see the first female president be elected. There’s tacos there because the NY housewives are seriously obsessed with Mexico this season. Carole is wearing gloves inside the party. She’s probably hiding her “Dump Trump” knuckle tattoos until the big win.
Meanwhile Bethenny is talking to her friends who are mostly pro-Hillary and will be going to the party. Bethenny’s not saying who she voted for because everyone from Yankee transgenders to Southern Baptist trophy wives drink Skinnygirl.
They’re watching the polls come in while I’m watching Adam wear a turtleneck. Are he and Carole sharing a wardrobe and dry shampoo now? Heather Thomson arrives and she’s supportive in her pantsuit. Carole’s gag reflex is less supportive and she feels like throwing up. Carole is stuttering that he’s not going to win. While she’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown, Bethenny is on her way and hears that Trump is winning. She’s shocked, her friends are shocked and my stomach hurts while reliving this over again.
Dorinda arrives and at this point everyone seems like they’re walking on eggshells. Dorinda knows Hillary and has even had her over to the house. It was mostly to use their laptops. A Trump supporter, and gay friend of Carole’s, shows up in a deplorable t-shirt. Carole is a better woman than me. Bethenny arrives and begins tormenting Carole.
Bethenny: Are you freaking out? Do you have diarrhea?
Bethenny; Are you serving Skinnygirl Watermelon Margaritas? Do you like my necklace?
Bethenny: I named it Run DMC. Do you thnk that’s clever that I’m naming everything after rappers this season?
Bethenny asks about the surprise party for Ramona. Dorinda says that their argument will pass but Ramona is turning 60 and she should be there. Bethenny says that Ramona didn’t even tell her happy birthday and hers was the day before the Brynn comments. Bethenny refuses to go. No word on whether Diane Sawyer has contacted Brynn regarding this latest development.
As the night goes on, the guests go home one by one. Carole is crying at home the next morning. She calls her mom and they’re devastated. Clinton lost PA which hits harder since they campaigned there. Carole wrote a speech for the victory which was obviously never read so she reads it to her mom instead. She talks about division, sexism, racism, liberty and what it means to be an American. True Americans believe in those ideals. We also believe in reupholstering couches Carole. Get with it.
Carole and Ramona meet for dress shopping.
“Don’t I look great? If only this bald woman would stop trying to steal my thunder.”
Carole at least acknowledges that it looks out of touch for two rich women to spend a disgusting amount of money on clothing the day after the election. Ramona won’t discuss politics anymore but she will talk about Bethenny. Ramona is irritated that Bethenny wouldn’t just answer her spiteful porn questions about her daughter and Carole denies disinviting Ramona from the party at Bethenny’s request. Ramona repulsed Carole all on her own. Ramona starts talking about her birthday party and Carole is relieved to know that they can discuss the surprise. Then she realizes that she just ruined the surprise. She and Ramona go back and forth with “who” and “what” and excessive blinking until Ramona just disregards everything Carole just said to talk about going to Vegas and other self-absorbed tales. Carole thinks she’s ruined the surprise but we’ll soon find out that Ramona’s self absorption is quicker picker upper level.
Tinsley and Sonja are in their townhouse playing dress up. I’m no fashionista and I’m sure Tinsley’s wardrobe is worth more than my car but I feel like she dresses like Paris Hilton circa 2003. Also, maybe Tinsley should have gone to jail so she could take reading classes. She had no clue that the dress code is “little black dress” although it’s on the invite. She messed up the dress code of Sonja’s party too. Ironically she’d said that she wore black that time because Florida dress code strictly forbade it. Now she’s in a panic to find a black dress? There’s something about this Tinsley. I can’t quite put my candle on it….but something’s not right.
Ramona is preparing for the party but is worried that she’ll be late for her date afterwards. Instead of waiting for Dorinda, who nearly blurted out Ramona’s address on camera, Ramona decides to make her way to the party on her own. Dorinda rushes there in time to yell “surprise!” with 249 other guests of dishonor. Ramona is surprised but manages to single-handedly pry the elevator door back open to revel in the attention.
Harry Dubin is there and Sonja is is annoyed that he brought a date with him. Geez, Sonja’s got that Avatar type of attachment to men. Then she gets mad at Tinsley because she didn’t bring her a drink. Sonja is annoyed and tells Carole to babysit her Baby Tins while she roofies Harry her damn self.
Ramona’s date calls and she invites him to the party. She’s forgotten his name which is kind of great for him if he’s a serial killer. When he arrives, he’s not bad looking but he kind of looks like Mario. Ramona greets him, gives him the cold shoulder and then eventually gives him the entire back of her straw covered head. He stands there awkwardly until he saunters away ready to give all of her businesses one star yelp reviews.
George: This is actually a much better view of you, Ramona.
Ramona shoves a shrimp the size of her right boob in her mouth while asking about Bethenny’s absence. Before anyone can really explain or respond, Ramona declares that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Dorinda thinks Bethenny should’ve at least done a drive by. As an aside, I could totally see Dorinda doing an actual drive by.
Ramona and Sonja step out onto the balcony where Ramona compliments herself on having so many friends. She likes that she, Tinsley, Dorinda and Sonja don’t hold grudges. But that damn brunette Bethenny is an asshole for not answering Ramona’s porn question. Ramona says that she was concerned for Brynn. Sonja explains that she’s only five so it doesn’t matter. Ramona spits back that she’s six!
“That year turns sweet little girls into bloodthirsty bitches!”
Sonja tries to explain that kids are off limits but Ramona isn’t hearing it. They both think that Bethenny should have been there because it’s a “momentous” occasion. However, Sonja realizes she may have used the wrong word and puts a reminder in her Palm Pilot to Google the right word tomorrow. They waffle between momentous, and monumental…
“Momentary…Memento…Myrtle Urkel…it’s on the tip of my tongue.”
“Just like Tom used to be.”
They guess until their propulsion of hot air blows them back into the party. Ramona blows out her candles after a lengthy wish. She opens her eyes but naked contractor Mario hasn’t suddenly appeared with a bottle of Pinot and wholesale defective merchandise. There’s always next year!
Next week, Dorinda visits Richard’s grave. Bethenny and Ramona hash it out while Luann tries on wedding gowns. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!
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